Crystal blue confusion….

I admit that I am a blonde who’s hair has gone darker as I have gotten older.  So I am no stranger to sterotypical stupid moments where I forget something basic or say something horrifically dumb. Add into this mix the fact I am basically shy and highly prone to embarrassment and you’ll understand why I have taken to the internet to express myself.  (It admittedly doesn’t explain why I have always worked retail jobs that kinda depend on being outgoing and friendly but that’s why there’s therapy people!)  The point of my sharing is to admit that I have come to expect a fair bit of confusion to occur in my daily life and Lord knows since I watch GH, my soap as well.   And usually, there’s one..just one storyline where while it might make me want to spit nails in hatred, at least it makes sense. 

And then there are weeks like the past few on GH.  Where nothing makes sense!

Lets start with the big kettle of fish…The Terribly True Adventures of Guilty but Should Get a Free Pass Michael in Pentonville.  You all did you know prison was a bad place???  It’s completely new to me!  Why people who go there are bad…and like committed crimes….well not like Michael heroically commiting crimes but like the crimes that the enemies of Sonny always commit to take down Sonny.  Thank you Bob Guza for committing such a valuable public service to tell us that prisons are filled with criminals, corrupt guards and rapists.  Cause I’d never know.

And speaking of rapist…..Michael was raped show. We get it.  We the audience figured it out.  We’ve seen a soap before so we know that scrambling away from someone when they touch you is the sign of rape, much like fainting always only means pregnancy.  And I will admit that a well written, thoughtful portrayal of a man struggling with a sexually based attack, trying to come to terms with what not only his victimization but what it says about his sexuality would be groundbreaking.  However considering when Jax was chained spread eagle to a bed while he was kidnapped and forced to sleep with Irina because she threatened to kill Carly, I’m throughly confused as to why we are going down this well with Jason clearly going to end up being Michael’s trusted confidant (because again I have watched this show before) when the same situation happened to Jax….Jason laughed at it.   Giggled the entire time at the very idea that. So when he inevitably becomes sad panda over what has befallen Michael….I’m going to spend roughly 99% of the time wondering if he’s going to go to Jax and apologize for being such a dickwad.  And I know that’s not going to happen so that makes me  more confused as to why I’m supposed to find this dunderhead a hero in the first place!

Plus if the intent of the show is merely to inspire blog posts and internet discussions about whether or not GH would go that route and this is all an elaborate “gotcha” well I have to give an F on it.   It sends a dangerous message much like their notion that abuse is only physical.  This does happen in our society and I think it could be a potentially fantastic storyline to explore.  But to use it as a titliating buzz piece is just wrong.  Go there or don’t but don’t use it as a tease. 

Also speaking of Michael, if someone can explain to me why if Sonny goes to jail, everyone thinks Michael will go free I would be excellent.   I understand the concept of no politician wanting to help the son of a known gangster get out of trouble lest they seem soft on crime.  That makes total sense.  And I have no issues with people wanting to put Sonny in jail. Gold star for admittedly futile efforts there.  But why would Sonny going to jail clear the way for Michael to get out?  I mean know he’s going to get out but what politician would work overtime to free an 18 year old who admitted in open court that he killed a woman, participated in a cover up, fled the country to avoid prosecution and knew all of it was wrong?  Politicians won’t get involved in cases of women serving insane prison terms because their boyfriends made them unwilling drug mules but because Michael, who admitted to killing  a woman and was given the minimum sentence as a freaking gift since everything that backed up his claim of “self defense” (which is still a crock of crap.  Justifiable homicide sure but it wasn’t self defense)  was destroyed they will?  I can live in the Never Never Land they do cause clearly it’s some kind of wonderland.

Now between Claire’s self admitted baby rabies and Sonny’s status as Sperminator of Port Charles, I am deeply terrified that we are well on our way to the arrival of Sonny’s ninth child.    So in theory I have no issue with Lucky giving Claire the rundown on all the brunettes who have failed to take down Sonny but ended up in his bed.  And while I recognize a “wink wink nudge nudge” metajoke when I see one but when Lucky name dropped Hannah only one thought ran through my mind.  “Yeah I know she’s on the list and all but holy hell Detective weren’t you presumed dead, kidnapped and brainwashed through most of her time in Port Charles?  What you weren’t allowed to remember your family at all but worrying about Sonny’s love life was A-Ok as far as Helena was concerned? What the hell type of evil plot is that?” (Also pointing out the repeated nature of these storylines does not mean I’m not going to totally make fun of it if/when this storyline kicks in there show.  Nice try!) 

But then again….when you consider the “brillance” of Helena’s latest plot is it any wonder one of her most famous capers now doesnt’ seem to make much sense in light of that rundown?  For as many times as the show has promised us Helena will reveal her evil plan…I’m still waiting.  Also..Helena disappeares and it never occurs to Nik to check Greece?  Much like Luke’s dreaded Dr. Von Skimmerman “disguise”….Greece has only been her immediate choice of hiding place since well FOREVER.  And how did Luke know A – Helena wasn’t in town and B – was in Greece?  He didn’t check Wyndemere? Pay Nik a visit? Attempt to bribe Alfred? (You know Alfred is totally on Helena’s payroll.  You just know.)  Also still wondering why Nik is being so threatened by information he’s known since roughly 1998 and manipulation he’s seen no evidence of at all.  It would make way more sense if he was being bitchy to Lucky if I don’t know he overheard Lucky and Liz having a mature, supportive discussion or seen Liz asking Lucky to help her with Helena but he hasn’t.   And while I know Helena’s entire plan hinges on all three of them being at odds so she can work….I’m still stuck on what exactly her plan will accomplish and then we’ve entered the vicious cycle of hell and I want to get off this sick cycle carosel!

Alas it’s not just Luke and Lucky stuck in crazy cakes land. Now while Lulu is admittedly a moron of the highest order for trusting Carly one wit after Carly basically blamed her for global warming and all but well she is Lulu.  And it’s not even her I’m all that confused by. No it’s Brooklynn.  I don’t want to hate a Q but I fear I will with this.  She’s in credit trouble and yet I’m supposed to believe neither Ned or Lois is aware of this? HA!  Or that Edward doesnt’ pay like double that amount to keep himself in jaunty hats? Or that the Qs wouldnt’ rally to help her and bring her back under their roof to save her if they got any whiff of issues with Brooklyn? Or that Brooklyn could be in town for like two weeks and the Qs would not have descended on her and Edward force her to move back in as his great-granddaughter?  But all that’s kid’s play compared to the real confusion.

What in the name of Greg Vaughan did she do to her face?  It’s non-moving. It’s scary. It’s distracting.

And Patrick..oh Patrick…when did you regress to your daughter’s age?  What the hell was that today?  He’s the only one who can do any surgery?  I’m not complaining about the subsequent Robin defending Steven as awesome…but my god he was a whiney cry baby today over nothing.  And I’m sorry to the many Scrubs fans out of there…I am still not seeing how this is the start of Lisa being Fatal Attraction.   This is Patrick being a whiney bitch.

Normally I would write off this confusion as the results of a week that was too much work and not enough sleep but I really don’t think it is!

File under “Seems like a good idea at the time”

I have many many thoughts reagarding the recent events in Port Charles.  And I will weigh in on them when I have more of a time to give them the time and attention they deserve. (i.e., longer than the five seconds Guza and company took in planning them.  They deserve at least six seconds at least!)

But before going back to work tonight (yeah social work!  Never a regular schedule)….I had to comment on this one….I’ll go with interesting…online development.

Brian Frons apparently has joined Twitter.

Now I have no idea if this is a verified account or not.  However given the sheer amount of cluelessness Brian Frons has demonstrated in the past (i.e. Calling actresses on his show “fat and not attractive”, having to be explained the entire concept of rape did indeed include the idea of having sex while one of the parties was drugged or otherwise incapacitated, greenlighting the repeated showing of Luis Alcazar’s body being thrown from the top of a building just months after 9/11) I am willing to suspend disbeilef and go with the idea Public Online Enemy Number One decided to join Twitter and make himself available to fans.  Or you know how he sees them “those unfortunate souls who resist my training techinques”.

If this account ends up being verified, it has all the earmarks of a deliciously soapy car crash.  And if it’s a brilliant pissed off soap fan?  Well before it’s found out…you and I both know every single frustrated pissed off soap fan will take this opportunity to pop off at “Brian Frons” at 140 characters a shot.  And lets not kid ourselves…..the soap community will be watching it.  And if it’s not Brian? Well he’s about to get an education about how people really feel about him isn’t he?

A shining bright spot of joy

In a sea of insanity….where a father who signed away his legal rights to his son two years ago is acting like he can stop an adoption (Newsflash Sonny…when you sign a termination of parental rights….it’s generally pretty final.  So shut it Weeble.).  Where a comptent (ok semi-comptent) single female lawyer overnight comes down with the biggest case of baby rabies this side of Robin Scorpio in the first season of Night Shift.   Where a hitman going to jail is considered a sacrifice…a sacrifice for his nephew while the very idea of changing anything so he could be in his own son’s life was just a completely foreign concept.  Where the response to the FOURTH request to remove your crazy-ass grandmother from your house and your life is treated as if it’s A- the first time it’s been said and B – just a fluffed up concern that’s really over nothing even though the last time you told the world you had Helena Mother Effing Cassadine under control, you ended up in jail framed for her faked murder.  And where I just watched two cops who have sworn to uphold the law debate bribing a judge because HE SENTENCED A LEGAL ADULT WHO ADMITTED TO KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN OPEN COURT TO FIVE FREAKING YEARS IN JAIL.   In this sea of insanity that is the typical daily GH grind and on a day when ABC proudly announces that James Franco is returning….and all I can see is more pretentious interviews, more backhanded insults to soap fans and the return of Franco’s obsessive love of Jason…so that just causes my head to hurt.  In all this…we need a happy place. 

And today…this show actually gave us one!

Thank you for being a friend Scott Reeves! 

Photo coursey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

Too darn lazy to deserve a somewhat clever title

Why is it the simplist ideas are often the hardest for people to grasp? And while I certainly am a big fan of lazy ways when it comes to things like getting exercise into my daily routine (hey parking the car at the far end of the block is exercise dang it!) and eating healthy (individual peach pie is good for a fruit serving right?)  when it comes to my soaps I want something more than the laziest possible scenario. 

As par for the course…lazy writing has been in abundance on GH these past few days. Well lazier than usual that is.

First there is the High King of the Lazy Plot….Jason’s “noble”  plan to go to jail on nothing charges to protect Michael.  First off lets start with the fact that this whole thing could have been handled by having Jason testify at Sonny’s trial (Since you know everyone testified that he and Sam were in the cabin anyways), perjury himself like Carly did twice and then take a deal to serve time for perjury in a deal he makes that sends him to prison to protect Micahel and Carly.  It would be therefore in character, plausible (well as plausible as anything is that every enemy of Sonny’s is in Pentonville but not one of the flunkies who’s taken the fall for these lunkheads wouldn’t be) and he would still be in jail for like the five days this will last. 

Plus it would also explain why the very real concept of a “prison transfer” has not been brought up by anyone!  Or the fact given the circumstances, Michael would likely get one pretty easily.  Andn it would also stop the ridiculous notion that since My Baby Daddy Judge Carroll dared to sentence Michael for a crime he did commit (and admitted to…in open court under oath) that was a pretty freaking big gift since you know all the evidence that backed up Michael’s story was destroyed by the Trio of Terror, then the only logical course of action is to blackmail him into letting Michael go.

I hadnt’ gone deaf from running pokers in my ears during Jason and Lucky’s “goodbye” scene to miss that Lucky was cheerfully advocating blackmailing a judge to Dante.  You all if that is Lucky’s alleged “Spencer edge”? Then it can go away.  If Lucky and Dante are sooo disillusioned with the way the court handled Michael’s case (And really Lucky’s lived in this town for how long and he thought it was going to go that way?  MORON!) then here’s the simple solution. They quit the force and start a  PI firm.  Wow! What an out there concept! But no…now we have to deal with two upstanding cops who were militantly anti-mob becoming dirty to protect a child of the mob who would and has spit on them more than once just because they are cops!

But that isn’t nearly as stupid as the tidal wave of idiotacy that is coming from Wyndemere these days.  Can someone please explain to me why Nik would allow Helena to move in, have access to the child she kidnapped before and within fifty feet of the child he beleives is his and use small words so I can understand it.  And while you are at it…if you can figure out why Helena is being able to manipulate himwith information he’s known since approximately 1998 that would be great as well.  He keeps going around town telling everyone he’s got an eye on Helena and he’s handling her.  Yeah tell that to the dead lab tech.  And Tracy.  But because the entire plot of Helena switching the paternity test requires her to stay in town and talk loudly about how she’s going to use this baby to destory the Spencers, then she must illogically stay at Wyndemere and not…say her own freaking suite with Thor at the MetroCourt.

And the nominees are….

There are days when it feels the soap gods conspire against me.   Days when popular actors get fired for no good reason other than a publicity stunt.  Days when a major defining storyline of this show gets retconned because apparently the casting department doesn’t think it’s possible for an actor to drop an accent for a role. (Ed Westwick and Hugh Laurie have been completely facinated by this concept)  Days when all I hear is effusive over-praise for a scene specifically designed to trick the critics into thinking a show had turned a corner instead of just shoving out steaming piles of the same old crap. 

And then there are days like today.  When the soap gods smile down on me and say “That will do pig. That will do.”

I know what you are thinking…it’s Emmy nomination day.  I know she has HUGE issues with at least two of these nominees.  Has she completely flipped her lid?  And I am here to tell you that no…no I have not. My admittedly limited grasp on sanity is still in tact.  We shall take these in by category.

Best Show: General Hospital

I really do hate it when the word “best” is redefined and no one has told me.  It’s annoying.  The idea this putrid show is the best at anything other than raising my blood pressure is ridiculous.  However this show submitted the CarnEvil.  You know the big stunt they shot in their parking lot and proceded to act like it was a blooming new concept…this each day building on each other thing?  And if there is one thing we all know the Emmy voters love…it’s a big stunt show.  So figuring that…I’ll go with they did the Monday after Edward plowed the car into the carnival…becuase they had a montage…and action…and of course Jason’s Walk of Pain. 

If there is one thing this show can do it’s gimmick’s way into this category and win.  (cough*PC Hotel Fire*cough)  So while it causes a massive eye roll..I am honestly not shocked by this one.

Lead Actress – Sarah Joy Brown as Claudia Zaccarah

I have a love-hate relationship with Sarah Joy Brown. I always hate….haaaaaaatttteeeee…..any character she plays.  However I do recognize she is a phenomenally talented actress.  So I am thrilled that she was recognized for trying to make a poorly written, not at all planned, stunt casting ratings bid role in any way workable.  Bonus points are awarded because Bob Guza can no longer try to blame Sarah for the role’s absolute failure.  Not to say I love Claudia or I want that train wreck of a character honored in any way. I don’t and I am 1000% Team Crystal in this category because for serious have you seen Otalia?  (Also Crystal Chappell is magical and pissing her off might make the soap gods angry.  We don’t want them angry) 

Supporting Actress – Carolyn Hennesy as Diane Miller

You know I realize the category says supporting actress…I didnt’ realize it meant RECURRING CHARACTER?  What was her reel?  Five episodes spliced together?  I think Carolyn Hennesy is great and all ( even if I’m likely completely screwing the spelling of her last name.) it’s just…what the hell did she do last year?  The moving story of Max’s issues feeling like he was her sex toy?  <barf>  Telling Sonny to do something while he duh faces and ignores her?  WHAT? I ask of you WHAT?

Supporting Actor – Bradford Anderson as Damien Spinelli

Supporting Actor- Jonathan Jackson as Lucky Spencer

Starting with Spinelli since well it’s the less ragey of the two. I know who would have thunk it?  Bradford Anderson when tones down the annoying aspects of Spinelli is talented and he had relatively good stuff during the Spixie non-wedding.  Based on previous reels, he tends to pick comedy when he should pick drama and that’s killed him in the past.  This year I can actually rationalize this one, which is more than I can say the first time he was nomminated and all I could come up with was “some good scenes on Night Shift“.

And now for Jonathan Jackson.  I knew this nod was coming the second I heard the casting bomb drop.  I’ll even let it fly I firmly believe his name is on that trophy as we speak and the other nominees could just send in reels with their pictures on it for the cameramen to find them for all the “competition” this category actually is.  Jonathan is a great actor and often desreves the praise he gets. Except all he did in 2009 was show up.  That’s it.  Other than that?  Nada.  He played Lucky as clueless.  He played Lucky as annoyed with Luke.  He played Lucky as in love with Liz and stupidly trusting the wrong person.  Yeah been there. Done that. Seen it in 2007 with another actor.  Oh he’ll win…and he’ll win next year (and that one will be “deserved” or whatever) but let’s not kid ourselves. This is a “welcome back” Emmy. This is why back in the day…his name was always thrown out there as a reason why the Emmy system needed to change since the nominating commitee would give him the nod even when he didn’t do anything.  That’s right people…outside of the awards he won (which were deserved) his constant nominee status was actually a source of eye rolls in the 90s.  Hillariously I remember the complaints by respected soap experts about Tyler Christopher would always be overlooked so long as Jon was around since Jon was the name.   That’s right folks…he was often cited as a reason why we needed a pre-nom process.  Don’t you just love the irony? I do!

Younger Actress – Julie Marie Berman as Lulu Spencer

Julie is a great actress and she finally is in a pairing that doesn’t bomb within seconds!  So yeah for that! And Lulu is actually speaking sense and sometimes remembering she’s a member of the Spencer family and not Carly’s mob family. So I may at some point stop hating the character on sight.  However…I’m a little at a loss as to what she did that was sooo spectactular.  There was the break-up with Johnny….and that’ s it really. 

Younger Actor – Drew Garret as Michael Corrinthos III

The greatest part about this is if Drew wins AS HE SHOULD SOAP GODS….then we will get the fantastically confused and uncomfortable faces of TIIC.  All I ask CBS…is one camera shot of Brian Frons’s face when this happens.  Just one.  All I ask. 

I know what you are thinking….that’s a lot of complaining she just did. What’s up with this soap gods are happy nonsense?  But did you notice what categories GH got blanked in?  Best Writing and Lead Actor.

Let’s say it again because it is so glorious….Best Writing and Lead Actor…GH is shut out.

That’s right folks…no admittedly hillairiously awkward speeches where the writers have to defend things like shooting 12 year olds in the head as an appropriate punishment.  No one praising the genius in all the wrong ways dialogue delivered by Franco.  One category where we will not hear anything about the “genius vision” of Bob Guza.

And no lead actors.  The long year of Emmy baiting for Maurice Bernard,  Steve Burton and Tony Geary has FAILED.  Ok so Steve Burton wasn’t on the pre-nom list.  But just about everything last year was designed to give another statue for the king of the duh face, one Maurice Bernard.  Michael’s waking up….Claudia’s miscarriage….Sonny setting Claudia up to be murdered…..Sonny participating in the dumbest cover up ever to be dumb!  And I will no longer have the recurrent nightmare of Tony Geary walking up to win for his reel on the Ethan storyline (cause we all know it was that right?) to tell us all how right he was about us being “challenged” and how the ridiculous history spitting ret-con of Ethan being a Spencer was , as he told us, the greatest storyline ever and how Nathan Parsons is the greatest actor ever and how Wendy Riche’s years were so over-rated and horrifiic.  I’d like to think of this as the karmic gods swinging that bomerang around to smack him for all those bitchy interviews he gave where he couldn’t wait to tell us all to quit with our cannon-loving whinning and accept it because he loved it so.   Karma is a bitch and I love it so!

So what say you? 

The truth..on General Hosptial? Inconcievable!

This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!

I apologize to everyone in the gym with me today.

I think I  need to sue my gym.  See when I joined, they had all the TVs tuned to either ESPN or CBS. Which means I had one place where I could guarantee I would not be assulted with the rage I normally feel when I watch GH.  Having these rage attacks in the safety and privacy of my own home is one thing, but the general public tends to look at you funny when you start spouting obsentities at fictional characters and throwing things at the screen in anger.    Suggestions about checking yourself into a mental hospital (with a legitimate reason even!!!) tend to follow.

So imagine the torture my poor fellow gym members went through when I had the misfortune of catching today’s GH live.  LIVE!!! I didn’t even have the luxury of the fast forward button!  Or the mute!  I was trapped! Trapped!  And today of all days……

First there was the uncomfortable part where I had to explain to everyone near me that the reason everyone’s neck vein was about to explode was because a cop just reported a confession of murder.  And how even though the self-confessed justified killer, who was totally going to turn himself in to save his mobster father’s murdering ass….that was the wrong thing!  That the right thing is for everyone in town to bend over backwards to keep a kid who is already being crushed with guilt stay quiet and under that crushing load so he can “lead a normal life.”  One that apparenlty didn’t involve becoming involved in the mob even though that’s the only career option they’ve ever presented the child with.

Trust me….the looks people gave Elizabeth when she had her public “breakdowns”?  Nothing compared to the looks you get when you try to explain this out loud in English.

It was impossible to explain why I doubled over with laughter when Carly…Carly of all people….started lecturing that Lulu should have “protected” Michael by keeping up the insane cover up that makes no frigging sense on the basis of “family loyalty”.  Carly…who never ever uses the name Spencer.  Who at one point decided she could drum LUCKY FREAKING SPENCER out of the family because he dared to arrest Jason for breaking the law.  Who I think we can all agree would have run to Jason and Sonny before Lulu finished the words “Dante is an undercover cop” had Lulu told her that.  Carly who has been one of the head cheerleaders of “family is who you choose not who you are related to by DNA” for the past decade.  She’s lecturing about family loyalty.  The ironry/rage was so great I almost didn’t feel the barbell as it fell on my foot.  They wanted that reaction from me right? 

And I can’t even touch on how loud I screamed WTF when Carly called Lulu a “selfish bitch”.  You know children really say it best.  Takes one to know one.

Sonny is generally our all around champ when it comes to being a douche, but I must admit I scoffed when he stared in today on how awful it was that Lulu didn’t turn out exactly the way Luke would want and may, may have asked “What? Did he find out Nikolas was about to take his crown as high king douche?”   Look I think we all know Luke isn’t going to be thrilled by this but who the hell cares if Luke isn’t going to be thrilled with her?  Luke’s level of involvement with children not named Ethan these days is….nil.  Wooo her dad who Lulu thinks abandoned her will be disappointed in her.  Big fat whoop.

And then it came…….oh I had high high hopes after Friday that the bane of my existance….the storyline you all know I think was written just to spite me….Jason/Lucky’s ridiciulous and completely out of character BFF-ship was thisclose to being over.  When Lucky pulled the gun on Jason I was 99.99% positive it was finally done becuase as we all know….while Jason can threaten you with death on multiple occassions you can’t step to him or tell him he’s full of shit.  You don’t mess with St. Jaysus like that.  But then…Jason spoke…in the police station….that if it had been any other cop that Michael had confessed to and pulled a gun on him, Jason would have shot said cop but because it was Lucky and Jason doesn’t want to hurt Lucky, well I think the dogs in the pet store next door understood me more clearly than the poor fool on the elliptical machine next to me. 

What the hell was that today?  Am I supposed to be on Carly’s side when she had the exact same revelation that she did in April 2008 that she was the reason Michael is screwed from the get go?  Am I supposed to think Sonny’s isn’t a huge douche?  I know Dante/Lulu have the us vs the world thing going on right now but the show does not have to be so literal in this.   I get Carly feeling betrayed but on what planet is Carly loyal to any family than the one she chose wiht Jason and Sonny? 

And lastly….does Bob Guza really have it out for me and is he determined to make me a friendless loser just for thinking Jason, Sonny and Carly sucks?

It’s the last one. You so don’t have to tell me that.