Sarcastic Clapping

{July 28, 2009}   Highway Danger….

Over at the fabulous Deep Soap, Sara Bibel has a theory that GH has finally run out of mobster movies to rip off and has moved on to driver’s ed films.  After two entire shows devoted to nothing but did Michael or Kristina hit Claudia….I am forced to admit that she is right.  GH has found the most disturbing hybrid of a mobster/driver’s ed scare film to show us.

Let me start off by saying the less said about those “special” effects the better.  I saw better at the end of The Ugly Truth…and those special effects were the funniest thing in that movie.  (Besides guessing if Gerard Butler’s accent was going to make a surprise cameo appearance before the credits rolled.)  Memo to GH…you had better special effects in the 7os when you were about to be cancelled.  It’s a little thing called good writing.  We’ll forgive a lot of cheese if the writing is good.  See just about every cult sci-fi show prior to the X-Files become the 90s phenomena it was. (Coming soon….Beth discusses why Soap fans should take notes from sci fi fans to actually get good stuff.)

Why are the PCPD more involved in this case than who killed the mayor’s mistress?  Logically thinking, and I know Guza-land is the place where logic goes to die, they should be investigating both.  But apparenlty they were preparing to devote all their resources to proving who was behind a hit and run that may or may not happen.  So thank goodness they have the newly appointed medical examiners Robin and Patrick to work on that one.  Thank Gloria Monty we have such competent trained investigative professionals at the helm to watch over that one.   We sure bit the bullet there.

Now how to say this delicately…my main issue with the whole thing is Michael.  I don’t see why everyone is so hell bent to protect this little monster and why the idea of plopping that child down on Kevin Collins’s couch is such a horrific idea.  THE KID NEEDS THERAPY!  Some major behavior-management.  I work with high risk, traumatized children for a living and I do not hesitiate to say I would drop kick this little fartnose into a residential treatment facilitylike yesterday.   I just don’t buy that anyone would be so concerned about keeping this kid out of jail when he clearly needs to be locked up for his own safety.    

Now I like to fault Michael for many many things…starting with his birth marking the begining of the long slow slide into the ridiculous hell we are cursed with right now. But really..could some of the adults actually blame themselves?  Carly and Jax for getting a kid with impulse control issues and brain damage a TEMPORARY DRIVER’S LICENSE?  Sonny for buying a kid with no driving experience and brain damage a freaking sports car?  Why has it occured to none of them this is a bad idea? Clearly when they cue up to the obvious fact that Krisitna is maybe also involved they will all blame Alexis for breathing or not letting Sonny near Kristina or something.

Related…really? Robin comes down and swears that Michael won’t skip bail and it’s allowed?  First off, I’ve watched Law & Order long enough to know how the bail system works.  lets see… kid + shady parents who insist he didn’t do anything + family with its own private freaking island and business contacts in other countries + lawyers out the wazoo = NO WAY IN HELL THAT KID IS GETTING BAIL.  Not to mention….now call me crazy…but wasn’t there this crazy storyline where Jason was in jail for a murder he committed and somehow got bail and then he broke it, allegedly to do something “heroic” and was arrested for it like two seconds later?  I know at the time we were supposed to think it was all just about some supposed jealousy…and we aren’t supposed to remember that time now. (hush….the whole nightmare never happened) BUT OH MY GOD JASON BROKE FREAKING BAIL WHY WOULD HIM GAURANTEEING ANYTHING ABOUT MICHAEL NOT DOING THE SAME DARN THING MEAN ANYTHING MORE THAN A GOOD LAUGH?

It also doesnt’ help anything that no one in this convuluted storyline is remotely rootable.  Michael’s a holy terror. Kristina is a brat.  Carly operates on Carly logic which means makes no sense and inverts all known laws of logic and sense.  Claudia has changed characterizations so often I’m suspecting Sarah Joy Brown needs cue cards just to keep up with her changing character motivations.  Jason and Sam being all concerny mc concern about Kristina and Michael not doing good and giving lectures that basically amount to “do what I say, not as I do” and being completely baffled as to why this sage advice isn’t being followed is stupidity to the extreme.   And Sonny….well whenever he enters a chapel to “pray” I both look for lightening to strike and really wish GH would quit defaming my religion by having Sonny described as a devout Catholic. Really we have enough issues of our own without Sonny’s slippery morality to add in there. I imagine real Bensonhurst residents feel the same thing. 

Seriously who is concerned about any of these people?  Was anyone really wanting that baby to survive?  Didn’t we all secretly wish that Claudia would die too?  Don’t we all know in the end it will be Double Dead Diego and not anyone we currently see on our screen for every segment in the show?

Does no one involved in this show understand the concept of balance?  Yes this is a soap opera and we need umbrella storylines that feature angst.  Got it.  and when well done and featuring the full cast i don’t care to see one storyline the entire show. But this one is so full of holes….so illogical… mind-numbingly stupid….so focused on how will Jason and Sam save everyone………SO FECKING TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!

The entire show was devoted to the mob.  And I don’t mean in the figurative sense we all complain about.  It was all we were shown today.  That was it.  I was craving a sighting of Lulu Spencer. Lulu. I’ve hated her for two years.  When I’m craving a Lulu “I’ll fork my brother over for Jason Morgan repeatedly for no good reason” Spencer sighting  THINGS ARE VERY WRONG.

I know better than to expect something like logic or well thought out planning when it comes to a GH story.  Or promo.  Clearly such things are not what the audience wants.  Clearly the ratings are going through the roof  because we just love nonsensical storytelling…


But really this whole “Who hit Claudia” storyline?  OMG!  It makes toxic balls look well planned and logical!

First off it’s reminding me of Who Hit Sam last February.  And really who gave a crap about that? Sam survived and wasn’t even that hurt but for a solid two months all we heard was who hit Sam and how awful it was that either Elizabeth, Monica, Nik or Carly hit Sam. How hard this would be on Jason. Blah blah blah.   And in the end? What the heck did it change but allow Guza yet another chance to defame the Quatermaines?  Woo.

So the first glaring problem with the storyline is this…..Who the hell thinks hitting Claudia with a car was a bad idea?  Who is all worried that she won’t survive?  Aren’t we all more upset that she did survive?  If Claudia left today would anyone really give a crap? 

Now lets move on to Carly’s involvement.  Ummm isn’t she supposed to be on bedrest? I know what Carly wants Carly gets and if she wants to have this baby then by God she will because Carly can control the universe like that, but really? She A – was aware Morgan effing exists and B- she HAD to go look by the side of the road (when Morgan said “in the woods”.  Apparently Carly can also manipulate time and space!) for that freaking medal at night?  All so she can save Claudia, the woman who shot her son?  ohh GH writers PLEASE stop trying to use ironry correctly. Much like Alanis, it’s not your strong suit.

Michael…well if you didn’t know something was going to happen with Michael and the car after the umpteen million referrences to the accident that happened to Jason with AJ…well then Hi….let me welcome you to GH. You clearly haven’t been watching long. I suppose Michael’s bad driving will be blamed on AJ and not the fact he shouldn’t freaking have a driver’s licence much less a “temporary” one.  Anything so Sonny and Jason won’t take the blame dont’ you know.  (which has always confused me because AJ and Jason were brothers. So techincally some of Michael’s traits did come from Jason… it CAN BE JASON’S FAULT!  Woo hoo!) 

And of course Jason is going to make all evidence of Michael being there disappear.  Way to show Michael crime doesn’t pay there Morality Morgan! Way to preach it! Don’t know why that kid doesn’t get the fact that the mafia is not a great life, what with all the hard time and consequences you both have to face.  It’s like when Sam lectures Krisitna on not acting out of conrol and following the rules.   No clue why those lessons fell on deaf ears.   Nope. None at all. 

Kristina…oh Kristina.  I can’t actually hate too much on her being on the road like that except to say I have no illusions that while Kristina will be in speical issues storyline hell with domestic violence there will be absolutely no mention or realization that her father is the biggest domestic abuser in daytime. I am so looking forward to the show where we see Kiefer hitting Kristina is wrong…but between Sonny and Claudia its just foreplay!  That will be fun won’t it?  It will just be like the week they had Michael and Kate tell us violence was never the answer for kids, while showing Sonny and Jason threatening everyone within a five mile radius.   However I will say that good lord what genes are responsible for her inability to keep guilt off her face?  Cause seriously I think Martians could see it.  Did she take notes from Jason about how to keep your feelings “secret”? Cause you know he was so awesome at it. 

Not to mention, where the hell is her bodyguard? you know the ones we heard Sonny had on her due to the DANGER?  Wouldn’t said bodyguards already have killed punk boyfriend?  Or is that further proof of the complete ineptitude of Sonny’s security force?  I know….it’s the latter. 

Alexis was just there so Sonny and Carly can blame her and make her look stupid right? 

And you know what really stinks?  We will be subjected to countless hours and hours of this horse hockey pucks.  It will be the over-arching story of all August and into November sweeps (cause Guza does nothing without thinking about sweeps).  And just who will be responsible?

Some no account dayplayer.  Some random person who happened to be out the same night that we never saw.  IT WILL BE DEAD DIEGO!  Sorry to spoil it for you.

Don’t you just love it when you know in advance that the entire storyline will be bs and a waste of time?

{July 20, 2009}   Wake me when it’s over.

There are a few things in life that annoy me more than GH’s FCW.

I know it makes no sense.  Against my better judgment I do love the show.  Which means my current feelings are like a disappointed parent?  I adore MOST of the actors.  (I’m sure you can guess the ones I don’t….or if you don’t already know you’ll know soon)  But this weekend drives me nuts.

And its mainly online fandoms fault.

Look I’m a shipper I get it. I do.  You don’t randomly name yourself the Cheif Battle Planner of LL2 by not being fannish.  You don’t have a sworn enemy fandom if you aren’t fannish.  You don’t pray for death during certain scenes if you aren’t fannish.  And I am as fannish as the next person. And as someone who did drive her butt all the way down to Forida to attend SSW to see exact 4 people…2 of whom weren’t even doing autograph sessions…as someone who has sent in the 20 bucks to an actor’s fanclub…I totally appreciate the desire to see the pretty up close and personal and get say a hug.  And I know that the GH FCW is traditionally a LOT more fan specific than other FC luncheons and such.  So I do like that part. 

And i admit I always find the FCW Awards funny.  I am the first one to admit to dancing around my office when I found out that Sonny and Jason were completely and totally blanked out in all the awards last year. The first time I ever remember it happening.

However it’s the aftermath……that drives me nuts.

Let me take you all back to FCW 2006, a time not so affectionately known online as Summer of Sleaze.  Rumors had been flying about the most random of random sexual hook ups.  Rick Hearst and Kelly Monaco confirmed a rumored Sam/Ric hookup and Steve Burton and Becky Herbst admitted to a Jason/Liz ONS. 

And then it started…..don’t pretend you don’t know about the great fan board wars of 2006.  If you hate GH right now…you can completely and totally blame it on those right there.  The Quad from Hell that ate GH?  The result of FCW reactions.  Becky a year later admitted the first plan was for Jake to be Lucky’s…..the resulting crappy storyline that tanked Elizabeth Webber with a majority of the fans for the first time in her decade stay in Port Charles…which ended up being nothing more than a plot point and a piss poor explanation of how Jaysus Morgan is in secret pain and we all should feel sorry for him for not being able to give up a life he clearly loved?  Blame the FCW board wars.

Since that happened, spoilers leaking out of these things have been harder to come by.  We get vague things…or scenes that when they air you end up laughing that they were even called scenes to begin with.  But you know what’s going to happen right?  Every little slip is right we speak being anaylized to DEATH.  SoapDish is coming up with rumors, which of course completely contradict the rumors they have been spinning for weeks match these.  When soemone comes up wiht a doozy of rumor that starts taking over the internet (generally surrounding a fan favorite getting shit-canned) fake recaps show up. 

And this year it will be worse since the show is dark the upcoming two weeks for HD camera matience. 

All this is a rather long winded way of saying…I stayed off the internet this weekend in part for my mental health and in part because of working two jobs.   How am I doing?

Just wake me when a new rumor start up.  I’ll even take the old standby of Greg Vaughan is about to be fired or sent to recurring…..even though I’m sure that won’t show up for awhile since he smacked down the last batch on Twitter.    But at least that one is easy to dismiss and will eventually go away.

Is there a good way to blog vomit?  I mean the physical reminents of it?  Can anyone shed light on this?

Becasue vomit is precisely my reaction to Spinelli’s proposal to Maxie today….and the “wacky fun” of them annoying Jason with their sex-scpades. 

I know I am signing one of my interenet/blogging death warrents here but so be it.  (I’m sure my long standing hatred of Liason will be the other thing that will sign my death warrent. But that one is more fun!)  I FREAKING HATE SPIXIE!

I mean I would rather stab my eyes out with rusty sporks than watch a single scene of them.  When they talk, I feel the need to stick fingers in my ears and scream “LALALALALALA can’t hear you!” like my four year old second cousin does when he doesn’t want to go to bed.  THEY. ANNOY. ME.

First off I don’t buy Spinelli as a real live boy instead of a walking talking poorly written cartoon designed to give the finger to any passingly intelligent, internet savy fan of the show.  His introduction to the show served no purpose since Jason already HAD a computer expert on his payroll. Remember the poor departed hot Stan?  Yeah did the same job as Spinelli.  If the show wanted to do a “computer geek off”….ummm there is another character already on the canvas…who works for the side of GOOD which would have accomplished this.  Lucky Spencer.  And given that during the time Guza seemed to loooooove to put Jason and Lucky is some sort of competition (with Jason apparenlty winning by the most bizarre measures known to man.  He has no emotions about an infant being kidnapped! Clearly Jason is more awesome!)  The way he talks? UGH!  It was funny at first but enough is effing enough. He was in the freaking hospital as it was burning to the ground and he still had to use the nicknames?  Everyone else in town can say “Oh please save me Jason!”  Why can’t he?   

Plus the unending worship of Jason. The insanity that was him suggesting that if Jason told Lucky he was Jake’s father…why then Lucky would be overcome with sympathy for Jason and let him out of jail, ignoring the murder charges for a crime Jason did commit.   The crediting Jason with everything.  look I know he’s the font for Bob Guza’s unending and disturbing love of Jason Morgan, but we already have a whole show devoted to that.  That’s not enough for you? Ok lets talk about how the show tried to sell Spinelli, the computer hacker, as an INNOCENT VICTIM.  I am supposed to believe this computer genius (Who only ever hits the F7 key.  Yeah I noticed that GH) had no effing clue that what he was doing was illegal?  That it was aiding and abetting illegal operations?  Am I supposed to beleive that he thinks Jason really does live in a video game?????  And don’t get me started on the fact shortly before this we had to hear the umpteenth discussion about how Jason and Liz had to stay away from each other because of the DANGER.  Spinelli has a freaking arrow pointing at his head saying “DANGER FIND ME” and Jason never pushed him away.  (Ok maybe that’s more point and laugh at Jason but still it was one of the most HUH moments of those two years)

Not to mention the creation of Spinelli is directly responsible for the creation of Winnifred…and that is a crime against humanity that can not be allowed to stand! 

At best…when well written and not on screen 52 minutes a day…Spinelli is a comic relief character.  Good in short doses and for specific purposes.  Kinda like Coleman and Epiphany.  And they want me to see him as a romantic leading man?

Hells to the no.

I liked the idea of Georgie/Spinelli.  It made sense. Georgie was the smart good girl.  Spinelli the geek who was not intimidated by her intelligence and most likely wouldn’t crush her like Dillon did.  Got it. On board. Bring it on.  But Maxie?  Alright them becoming friends in the aftermath of Georgie’s senseless (and woo boy was it senseless) murder?  Alright I can see it. Spinelli developing a crush on Maxie? Ok I’ll buy it. But Maxie returning the feelings?  Not.  Sorry. Don’t see it.

I used to hate Maxie. During her pushing drugs on Lucky days I called her *Spits* exclusively.  But the further away from Lucky she got…the more I liked her.  She developed into her own bitchy misguided bad girl self.  And her hatred of Lulu mirrored my own.  But around Spinelli? Her voice goes up about thirty octives.  She praises him for the most inane things like using the word “Stupendous”.  She becomes clingy and dependent totally on him.  She adopts his completely illogical way of thinking.  Really if they prove Kate is behind the sabatogue of their own magazine, the new editors will keep her and Lulu on?  ON WHAT PLANET????  Not to mention her near constant praise of skills in the bedroom is just well GROSS.  I’m not saying geeks can’t be good in bed. I did watch Friends and that is how Ross got all the girls don’t we know.  But I don’t need to hear about all the flipping time.  And if I hear her say the freaking words “essential person” one more time…I am not going to be held responsible for what I do!

And now he wants to propose marriage?  OH MY GOD!  They haven’t even dated yet!  My couple Lucky/Liz gets the “moves way too fast” card slammed at them constantly and even they would sit back, to quote Joey Lawrence, and go “Whoa!”   He works two jobs and for reasons I’m not clear on he can’t seem to move out of Jason’s penthouse nor does he seem to want to.  What he and Maxie, the police commissioner’s DAUGHTER, are just going to move in to the home of the Holy Town Hit Man?  oh yeah….that’s a plan! 

Of course the good part of this insane speed up to over-exposed, overly-hyped summer couple of the moment…is that their inevitable destruction can’t be far behind……so that’s good. 

But oh the pain till it happens!

I am as hypocritcal as the next blogger..and i’ll admit it totally.

When I first heard about kareoke night, I rolled my eyes and groaned.  Then I heard Max and Diane were involved and I started in on ranting about how I didn’t give a crap about two recurring characters and the whole idea about recurring is they do not have continuing storylines and love lives…and if they DID have these things we didn’t see them at the expense of contract characters….and I just generally do not give a crap about anyone in Sonny’s never ending parade of ineffectual bodyguards (seriously..who HASN’T gotten past any of them? His guards are way worse than the way Guza writes the PCPD!)  And then I found out that it was supposed to be soo good for Spixie and move them into couple territory and end the courly love or whatever.  And I HATE Spinelli and Spixie individually with the fire  of  like a ZILLION suns…

So to say that I was NOT looking forward to this AT ALL is one of the top ten understatements of my life. I raged about this to anyone who would listen to me.

I am here to now wear my premature haters badge.  Oh dont’ get me wrong…I hate the parts I expected to hate.  (Seriously…since when are Maxie, Lulu and Rebecca are all bffs?  And really The Pussycat Dolls?  Woo way to show where you stand on positive images of women there GH!)  And the less said about the adventures of Spinelli and the magic microphone the better. 

However I will watch every single second of it….becuase I got my Lucky/Liz being all happy…cuddle bunny…squishable…and talking away in the background. Plus their discussing of that stupid Nik/Liz kiss confirms my theory about a Soapnet spoiler for the month…and it makes me smile. 

Hypocrite? Yup. Premature hating? You betcha.  But wallowing in my LL2 prettiness?  HELLS YES!

I have two sisters.  And I admit that we don’t talk all the time due to living in three different states.  But I do know the highlights.  If they’re dating someone…if they are moving….if they have taken up a new hobby….if they are going on a short trip. I basically know what is going on both their lives.

Now how is it possible that I can do that….and Lucky Spencer has two siblings (I still refuse to accept Ethan. DNA test results by text message my ass!)  who live in the same town as him, who see him somewhat frequently..and they know nothing about him.

Lulu asked her brother (off screen of course because apparently actually SEEING Lucky Spencer is just wrong.  Why it might send the message people A- know who he is, B- like him and C-he’s an important legacy character or something.  Lets not make it seem like the audience wants something other than the Trials of Michael.  God forbid I know!  ) to meet her at Jake’s for kareoke.  Now normally on the surface this does not seem like a bad idea. In fact it would seem like a fun family outing.  But let us take a closer look at the facts shall we? 

Fact one- Lucky is a recovering drug addict who as part of his recovery stopped drinking alcohol.  Which everyone knows because he told them.  And Lulu was one of the few people who visited him more than once to almost tell about Jason and Liz’s one night stand from hell…so it’s not like she’s unaware of what happened there.  Fact two – Jake’s is a bar.  Where they serve alcohol.  Again well known fact.  Who does this? 

Now maybe they have had a conversation where Lucky has said that it doesn’t bother him if people drink around him. Entirely possible.  Although how could I know this since the show doesn’t dare show us something related to LUCKY SPENCER.  Why that’s just crazy talk!

Also today Nik asked Elizabeth what was going on between her and his brother. Again on the surface a normal conversation.  However it came up in the context of discussing a most awkward kiss almost two months ago….and in a manner that seemed to indicate Nik didn’t have a clue.  When he’s seen BOTH of them multiple times since then…and in fact as mainly only seen his brother with Liz nearby. Now they maybe the world’s most amiable divorced couple….but seriously?  He would thought they would get back together during the hospital crisis can’t figure this one out?

Today just reinforced for me that really Lucky Spencer has the worst siblings in daytime.  Lulu has been inexplicably begging him to make nice with their so-called new brother because SHE likes the mumbler.  That their father wanted her to flirt with and the mumbler went along with this plan.  really?  Really?  That was forgivable behavior in this chick’s book?  She’s screeched at him she would forget him before she forgot Johnny Zaccarra…before breaking up with him months later.  And lets not forget her lying ot him for months about the Jason thing.  Nikolas barely registers Lucky exists on most days…even less if he stands a chance to get laid.  He randomly lectured Lucky on how Lucky liking Rebecca for Rebecca and not for being Emily’s clone was creepy.  This of course was while HE was stalkign her because she looked like Emily.  He knew for sure the longest that Lucky was on drugs and had access to a gun but did jack shit about it for months. And when it finally bordered on inconvient for him that Lucky was on drugs…he did two half-hearted interventions.  Sure he might have paid for Lucky’s rehab stay…but I could almost feel the eye roll on that one.  You could, and trust me I have, make the argument that Nik was a leading contributor TO his drug addiction…since the ridiculous Lucky cant’ earn any money storyline that led to him becoming obessed with being a hero and productive STARTED because Lucky took a bullet for NIK’S fiance. 

I can also tell you how both of Lucky’s addictions are Emily’s fault as well..but that’s another post.

If maybe I saw Lucky being a dick to his brother and sister, I could understand it.  But he isn’t.  He defends his sister when she does not deserve it at all.  He spent most of his time with Rebecca telling her that Nikolas wasn’t a creepy stalker.  He took responsiblity for Lulu getting pregnant and forgave her for her henious betrayal in backing Jason over him.  He’s risked his job more times to help Nik out than anyone.  And now the show feels the need to throw Ethan in the mix to rag on him for…well I’m not sure why exactly but I’m sure the show thinks theres a good reason.

Is it too late to reveal Lucky is Laura’s son with Scotty?  PLEASE??????

Inevitably when I watch GH, I am reminded of The Princess Bride and the great always quotable Inigo Montoya. 

“I do not think that word means what you think it means.” 

This is not a new feeling per say.  I felt many many times when three-fourths of the canvas would show up to praise Jason inanely about alleged sacrifices he made for Jake during the unending time of Jason’s secret pain. I would grab my trusty, not so rusty copy of Websters’ and try to figure out how a word that means “the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim” was being applied to a person who was giving up nothing in exchange to continue on in the exact same manner he was living before the child showed up.   I would sit there with the confused puppy look on my face, almost yelling at the TV “But he hasn’t even bought a diaper!  He’s not offered anything!  He was offered a chance to be a deadbeat dad and he took it!  He doesn’t even seem interested in that kid. PLEASE SOMEONE SHOW ME THE SACRIFICE.”

Believe me…my neighbors are soo much happier with me now that story has finally been concluded. 

This strange dictionary of Guza’s causes me confusion. And as someone who actually watched during Toxic Testicles, Monkey Virus, Re-peat Ball,  Amelia and the really odd plot to make Sam famous in order to get revenge on her and Jason the Noblest Snitch Ever to Snitch to Save the World’s Only Innocent Mob-Employed Computer Hacker, it embarrasses me that this show confuses me.  Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance confused me.  The never ending popularity of Paris Hilton confuses me.  General Hospital should not confuse me over something as simple as word usage. 

Watching Kristina and Michael throwing around judgment on Alexis is infuriating on many levels.  While the actors are good and some of the reactions are totally on target.  The self-centeredness, the emphasis on how this is going to affect them.  Total teenager.  But them calling her a slut?  Kristina complaining that Alexis is the most embarrassing parent on Earth?  I know these two just became teenagers yesterday….but are they forgetting the fact that I can almost not recall the last relationship Sonny had that did not involve cheating.  Oh wait, yes I can.  A little horrific thing known the Internet over as Soliey.

Sonny Corrinthos sleeping with a woman that is A – one of those kid’s AUNT/godmother, B- is closer to their own age than anyone else Sonny has ever dated, C- he once gave the safe sex talk to and D- he got busted with in a hotel room amid gunfire and someone trying to kill him is more embarrassing than anything Alexis could dream of doing.  Now this might be because I can remember the night of One Night Stands from Hell and know that Alexis was in the hospital almost dying from a breathing attack brought on by her lung cancer so therefore sex was not on her mind at all and therefore the said one night stand with the Mayor just couldn’t have happened.   (I get a little testy about ret-conned history when it just happened three years ago.) And it could be because I consider Soliey one of the worst couples ever dreamed up. 

Or it could be because I’m completely right. 

Here…I’ll tap into my teenage outrage scale.  And since I work with highly emotional teenagers this wont’ be that hard.  Mom gets outed as having a one night stand by a man who is accused of murder and is obviously trying to save his own neck.  Upsetting.  Dad gets busted in a hotel room by my hit man uncle as he races to save Dad’s life once again and finds my aunt in lingerie.  Hit man uncle’s gunshots have caused other guests to call the police and a crowd, including reporters get pictures of my dad outside a hotel room with my aunt (who is pretty darn close to my age), clearly standing in her underwear and Dad’s coat.  They then continue a very public affair despite everyone being skeeved out about it beyond belief in the pages of the papers and throughout the town’s gossip chain.  They also took time to explain to me that they were dating so it’s not like I am clueless about this relationship or in Kristina’s case, my mother knew about it and disapproved as much as everyone. 

Yeah still not seeing the moral high ground these two are giving to Sonny. 

I am well aware of the GH code which states Sonny and Jason are greater than all people at all times no matter what. I probably will write pages over time about the characters this show destroys to keep these two nitwits front, center and as alleged heroes.  I can ignore all that and just lump it like I do with other shows where the leads annoyed me but I adored the supporting characters. (Roswell Dreamer fans I’m looking right at you) All I ask is that it makes sense.  And that my ability to remember things longer than a commercial break be respected.    Or failing all that…they at least consult a dictionary and use the right freaking word!

{July 7, 2009}   Tomorrow Still Comes….

“We have to watch All My Children today. Crazy Janet has Natalie in the well and I have to see if Trevor gets her out.”

With a statement like that is it any wonder I had to watch?  I was all of 12 years old, spending the day with my friend Christy, waiting for my mom to pick me up after work. We had been up half the night before celebrating her 12th birthday with the sleepover to end all sleepovers and we had probably only been up for no more than two hours.  I had barely watched any daytime before that day.  Even though my mom had been a stay-at-home mom until the year before I didn’t remember her watching TV at all in the afternoon. 

But Christy’s mom loved All My Children.  Had watched it for years.  And this past year, Christy had gotten hooked for her own reasons. So that afternoon, sitting in the loft area of their home, while her mom watched downstairs, Christy and I watched.  She explained to me who everyone was and when she got stuck, she’d yell down a question to her mom.  She’d answer and we’d move on with the storyline.  It took one episode and I was hooked. 

So I guess it’s Christy and her mom’s fault I can’t kick this addiction.

Oh I no longer watch All My Children anymore.  That got easier after Sarah Michelle Gellar left to slay the undead.  (insert your own joke about Jason Morgan and Dead Diego here.)  No the addiction I can’t shake is soaps.  No matter how hard I try. No matter how much less rage inducing my life would become if I would just unplug and stop watching, stop reading and leave the world of daytime behind.

I think about it when I sit there, slack-jawed at the stupidity and lack of logic.  A day where I don’t wonder how is I can remember a show’s history while a writing team with access to the show bible can’t be bothered to check on it.  A day where I don’t want to see the writers’ copy of the dictonary because their idea of “romantic” and “exciting” is clearly different than mine. A day without tumor-related visions being sold as the “most romantic story ever told in daytime”.  A day without praying for permanent unemployment for people I hopefully will never meet.

And I say hopefully because I seriously doubt I would be able to refrain from bodily harm if I ever do meet one Bob Guza, Jill Farren Phelps or Brian Frons. God forbid I see all three of them. 

I don’t know why I can’t kick General Hospital. Lingering affection for the level of greatness the show gained in the late 90s?  Perhaps. My unwavering devotion and weakness for the pairing of Lucky and Elizabeth, my first absolutely no hold bar full out shippage?  Doesn’t help matter for sure.   The occassional episodes that are mob free and therefore enjoyable? 

It’s not like I haven’t tried.  But much like the mob movies the show loves to rip off tell us, once I think I’m out, they pull me back in.  They tease my favorite pairing. They do a full scale old time full cast event.  They bring back Genie Freaking Francis.  They allow Greg Vaughan to be shirtless. 

But i will not deny that like many a GH fan… the show sometimes causes me to stroke out in rage.  And fold over in hysterical laughter at stupidity.  Roll my eyes at the complete lapse of logic. 

And that’s just from reading the spoilers/rumors.  Actually watching the show occassionally makes it worse. 

So in an effort to maintain my sanity…and to not overly annoy my friends who allow me to go on and on about this…I’ve come here.  Hopefully to make new friends…share new thoughts…expand my friend base….and a slight desire to get my opinion out there among a seeming sea of Jason Morgan is the Greatest squealers.

et cetera