Sarcastic Clapping

{September 22, 2009}   Therapy…I need therapy…

High on the list of things that I never EVER wanted to have happen to me…two things top my list.

1- Agreeing with Jason in any way shape or form.

2- Liking and actually finding Ethan to make sense.

In the past three weeks..I have done both with increasingly regularity.

I…don’t……to process…..brain…shutting down….

To be fair I didn’t completely agree with Jason’s assessment of the Niz debacle.  The idea that Lucky, who didn’t walk away from Cam or Jake when the whole “Hey remember when I told you you were Jake’s father? Yeah taht was a big crock of crap and he’s Jason’s son.  Ps…I was also emotionally cheating on you with Jason the entire length of our marriage but god you are evil for getting over it” thing blew would walk away from the boys over that thing I am refusing to remember right now is entirely laughable.  Maybe it’s just me but I see that as a bigger reason to walk than anything don’t you?  But the look of complete WTF on Jason’s face has mirrored my own for weeks on end.

And then Ethan started being snarky to Nik. Dang it…why must he be snarky to the character on the show that is dead to me?  I don’t want to like Ethan! And then he started makign sense….and telling Nik where to get off.  And pointing out the obvious that Nik is beyond the bend and needs help before he hurts someone! And I found myself hoping that Ehtan would punch Nik out of that “fierce” family loyalty Nik was so errounously prattling about.  (Just me who’s eyes rolled so far back in their head they got stuck and simulataneously vomited when Nik was going on about how he and Lucky shared that trait with Laura? OMG YOU HYPOCRITICAL HEAD UP YOUR ASS MORON! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!)  Then  I realized that Ethan was actually more loyal to Lucky than Nik.  Yes he’s loyal to the awful notion that Lucky is a traitor to mankind by being a cop but at least he’s upfront and consistent about it. It’s nice to count on something!

Was the entire point of the Nik/Liz nastiness just to get me to ease up on the Ethan/Jason hatred? Clearly its also to make Rebecca look good. (yeah Guza..what a shock I figured that one out!) But is this part of it too?  If so…well played GH…well played.

{September 21, 2009}   The one in which I shock you!

Hold the phone…I have late breaking shocking news to tell you all.

The writing staff at General Hospital does indeed include WOMEN! I know…I didn’t beleive it at first but its true.    Appraently my long held belief that the names of Elizabeth Korte, Michelle Val Jean, Karen Harris, Mary Sue Price and Meg Bennett were just psuedomns to allow Bob Guza to write more often was incorrect!  Apparenlty there are women who take part in the direction of a show that is aimed at women.

Which begs the question….do these women hate themselves?  Or is what they are writing radically altered once it leaves their hands and makes it way to the actors?  Because I am at a loss.

Let’s take one particular story example here…

Elizabeth has become so overnight enamored of Nikolas that she is jealous of the fact he is having a seemingly intimate moment with Rebecca, who she knows he is only dating as part of his bizarro revenge-by-dumping scheme. 

What woman….would be jealous…of a relationship that she knows is a sham on the part of one of the people?  A sham that she has stated she doesn’t like and will end up hurting a long time friend in the end?   A woman who even though she doesn’t like Rebecca and hasn’t been shy about that, has still urged Nik to not use her because it will be bad for Nik? 

Who the hell is jealous of this?  Maybe I’m not wired correctly as a female but if I was stupid enough to get myself into such a clustersuck of a situation, my first reaction is to run the hell away, check into a mental institution and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Barring that, I would also stay far far away from the jackoff who is actively and unrepentately running a scam on a person because she failed to con money out of him.   That’s right folks…Rebecca’s entire plan failed.  Nik’s reason for revenge is what again exactly?

A man writing this I get.  I mean see any male penned movie that involves a sleepover to see proof of some male members complete lack of understanding on how the female mind actually works.   But there are women on this staff.  Did not one of them go “Yo, Bob…hold up here.  I’m not understanding this at all.”

You know Greg Vaughan is rapidly proving to be the master of Twitter.  Starting off with a bang by describing getting sick and falling in the shower (admit it…it took you a little bit of time to realize exactly what he was talking about after that image popped in your mind), then kicking butt and killing all rumors about his character being sent to recurring/him being fired by responding directly to the rumors…and now awesomely timing his return to Twitter after some pretty ASSISH spoilers/actions that has most ALL fans begging for him to be allowed to have a real reaction…with the following message…

It’s been a great day!! Closing down for the night. Good night! Luckys time will come in due time!!KARMA’S a bitch! That’s the way of life!

Dear Greg…I love you and never EVER stop tweeting. EVER.  Don’t listen to the haters. Keep on keeping on!

This totally means Lucky is getting more than the 30 seconds the show gave him before shoving him offscreen for weeks on end after he found out about Jake right?  It also means Lucky is going after his disloyal ass of a brother doesn’t it?

As you know I have had a suspicion that part of this storyline is to allow Lucky to really get to react to this type of betrayal that he wasnt’ allowed to before.  And also it is a way, granted stupid, character destroying and completely short-sighted, to get Lucky and Elizabeth to really deal with thier issues.  (Although why this instead of I don’t know couples therapy that Lucky is clearly willing to do is beyond me. )  I never said it was a good plan or the primary plan…but it does seem to be plan B. Plan my friend Talena said is clearly “Nik: Look at me I’m Dark and Evil!” 

So here how I would like it to go….which means I completely and totaly admit that this is the last way it will ever go because Guza lives to torment me and if I say I like it….well its a guarnatee it won’t happen.

but here is what will be way better than what we’ll get.

After Lucky finds out, he cuts Liz and Nik completely out of his life.  He screams at them both, throws a more than a few punches at Nik and tells them they desereve each other.  He storms off home, and refuses to talk to anyone. not Lulu who comes to plead Nik’s case (you know she will).  Not Luke. Not Ethan. Not Rebecca who is out looking to get revenge of her own.  (She can sleep with Sonny for all I care.)  Liz and Nik agree to give him some time to cool off and they’ll approach him later. He’s Lucky. He’ll understand. He’ll come around.  After all he’s not going to abandon the boys. THey’ll catch him the next time he comes to see the boys.

The day comes…a knock at Liz’s door…and surprise surprise….Lucky has sent Ethan over to get the boys.  Ethan has a message.  Lucky will not abandon his sons but he will not deal with Elizabeth or Nik.  If there is any decisions to make about the boys, Elizabeth is to contact Ethan, Ethan will contact Lucky.  Both are stunned.  Lucky’s never done this before. And he’s talking to Ethan? Trusting Ethan with his boys?  There’s no reason not to trust Ethan with the boys…Elizabeth can’t exactly argue this in front of the boys…she lets them go with Ethan.

When Lucky does surface around town, he awesomely ignores them both. Total cold shoulder.  When Elizabeth is around, he makes sure to flirt with females near him, especialy if Rebecca is nearby.  Elizabeth gets increasingly upset and jealous lemon face. Lucky has never been this cold to her, never gone this long without talking to her.  She tries to force a converstaion and he keeps it very short, reverting to calling her “Lizzie” like he used to when she annoyed him as a teenager.  Nik continues to go all allegedly dark…becoming more and more withdrawn as he realizes Elizabeth is more concerned about getting Lucky to at least talk to her for the boys sake if nothing else than giving him attention and his ohhhh so dark plan against Rebecca failed…….to the shock of no one.

The inevitable pregnancy happens.  Elizabeth is not going to tell Nik. He’s withdrawn, unreachable, he’s dark and she’s doing what she always does when a guy goes dark…running in the opposite direction. There is no way she’s going to be able to convince Lucky to take a paternity test. She’s stuck.  She confides in Robin who suggests they compare Jake’s DNA to the baby’s.  They would be able to tell if Jake and the baby have the same father.  Elizabeth doesn’t think it will work but can’t come up with a good idea on how to explain why this idea is full of holes, so she agrees to it, wondering how she’ll figure this one out when it shows the baby and Jake doesnt’ have the same father. 

The test comes back and Robin announces that the baby and Jake clearly have the same father. Lucky is the father.  Elizabeth reads the test in shock.  That would mean….Jake’s paternity test was wrong.  How is she going to tell Lucky? There is no way he’s going to beleive her about any of this. There’s no way she can ask Robin to tell him without explaining the entire debacle the last time this happened.  Elizabeth tries to tell Lucky the truth but he doesn’t beleive it….reminds her about the last time she told him she was pregnant and how that didn’t work out so well for him. 

because he’s now dark and evil….Nik joins forces with Helena and agrees to a plan to destory the Spencers.  Deciding to raise some ghosts…they decide to burn down Lucky’s house..reminding everyone of the bike fire from long ago.  Unknown to them, the night they set out to do their plan,  Lucky is off on a stakeout and Elizabeth is at the house with Cam and Jake…determined to make Lucky listen to her and for them to fight this out for once and for all.  When the fire starts, Elizabeth is knocked unconscious by a falling celing beam.  Ethan and Luke (cause Guza wouldn’t be able to resist) see the house burnign and race in.  They save Elizabeth and the boys. Mac contacts Lucky on stakeout to let him know what is going on.

At the hospital, Lucky races to check on the boys.  Making sure they are ok, Robin asks him to come out into the hallway where she fills him on Elizabeth’s condition and the condition of the baby. Lucky protests he doesn’t want to know, it’s not his problem. Robin says she doesn’t know the entire story, but she does know that Elizabeth and his baby are fighting for their lives.  She ran the test herself.  Lucky points out he never gave any DNA for a paternity test. Robin says true…but she compared it to Jake’s…Jake and the baby share the same father. 

Discovering that his plan put Elizabeth and the boys in harm’s way, Nik is horrified. What would Emily think?  He swears off ties with Helena and leaves town.

come on…it’s way better than what we are probably getting….

So here’s the thing.  I have a long well documented history of delusional optmistic wanking thought when it comes to my shows and couples.  I have this bizarre and slightly concerning ability to take any horrific spoiler, rage about it for a few hours (or days depending), then swallow the bitter pills down and come up with some way that it can all work out to some sort of thing that would be ok.

And even though I am very often wrong and horrifically and spectaularlly so at times, I still do it.  People in the past have asked me to give “pep talks”. Yes I know its a little demented but at times so is watching this show.  You have to do what you have to do to survive it.  Sometimes its drinking, sometimes its drugs, sometimes its delusionally optmistic pep talks on a message board. 

So the fact that I thought this theory up doesn’t suprise me at all. 

So here we go….the hot topic of the moment….Nik and Liz having sex on Monday.  In what looks like judging from the promo to be  a typical Nik red light porno production. 


Oh you thought I was going to put up that beast of a promo? HA! Delusional as I may be I’m not completely cracked. Yet.

Let me get this out of the way, it’s vile. It’s nasty. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting and Nikolas Cassadine is DEAD to me for all time.  Liz too for now but she grovels enough at Lucky and I know me…I’m easy I’ll want my pretty LL2 back.   However…..

Here’s the thing.  See back when Jake was kidnapped for the second time there was a feeling that I and other viewers commented on. It felt like the writers were trying to make up for the way they tried to portray Lucky acting like a cop as being akin to being the unfeeling devil incarnate while Jake was kidnapped.  Lucky and Liz leaned on each other.  They supported each other. They banded together.  It was clear the show was trying to correct Sam’s actions from the first kipnapping but it also seemed like it was trying to make it up to Lucky.  So that got me thinking.

At the height of Jason/Liz insanity, when they were emotionally cheating all over town and Lucky’s every blessed breath was written as him being jealous, evil and stupid, the fans were begging for Lucky to have a real reaction when he found out everything. The man had been lied to for ove  a year. He had been betrayed in a horrific way and he was played for  a fool.  We begged for it. Fans went to PAs and come up with ways to tell the writers that the fans wanted to see was Lucky beat the tar out of Jason.  Greg even laughed and said “No one hits Jason.” 

And when all was revealed to Lucky, what reaction did he get? Number one – the scenes everyone had been waiting for were burried and not spoiled until about two days before they aired.  Number two – Lucky got one awesome punch, one awesomely pissed off statement to Elizabeth, stalked off and promptly disappeared for the rest of the Black/White Ball. No one even bothered to go looking for him when his oldest friend was murdered.  Number three – when he did surface he had been “around”.  Number four – he was distant from Liz while they helped Nik for “Emily’s sake” but by the end of the month, he was talking to her again and offering to continue to protect Jake and be Jake’s father. 

His reaction lasted all of thirty seconds.

So which brings me to Niz.  Now I know trusting rumors is about as reliable as trusting anything that comes out Bob Guza’s mouth, but the thing is….no one seems to think that Nik/Liz are going to be this big romantic couple.  Not even people who claim to like them.  As I have ranted about previously, they aren’t really writing this with any kind of sense, what with Nik’s constant talking of Emily/Rebecca before deciding he wants to make out with Liz and no explanation from Liz why she wants this.  The show has made no attempt (as they do with all other pairs engaged in nasty cheating) as writing the cheaters as right and justified.   The whole trust of the story is it’s wrong. It’s dirty. It’s evil.  Jason doesnt’ like it people.  When Jason has concerns, you are doomed to fail.   And all indications are that Lucky is going to blast them for this when he finds out.  He’s been picking up on things being hinkey between them. There’s no indication he’s going to be lied to for forever and a day.  Admittedly most of this is Guza’s talk of a Spencers vs Cassadine story involving the youner Spencers, which Lucky wouldn’t particiapte in unless he knew becuase as we all remember Nik and Lucky made an agreement that the feud was their father’s war.  So this time it sounds like Lucky is going to have the reaction the fans wanted him to have back then.

So maybe…just maybe…the nastiness that will have me boycotting all things ABC on Monday…is a way to allow Lucky to have that reaction.  To allow Lucky and Elizabeth to really get into this topic that they haven’t yet.  Back when all the 2009 previews were made, both Becky and Greg said in separate fan events that reuniting them was fine, but don’t just put them together to tear them apart the next time Jason was single.  Let them really work on their issues.  Which surprise surprise they haven’t.  Shocker I know!    But see in order to let them do that, you know what Guza would have to write?  That Jiz was wrong. That it was vile.  That it shouldn’t have happened. That it was a mistake.  And as we all know, nothing involving Jason is ever ever a mistake.  EVER.  Even when he’s wrong, he’s not  He is our Savior and that’s that.

But we can say that about Nik.   He’s a pet yes, but not nearly as pettish as Jason.  Nik’s storyline has been permanently in crap town since he poached Courtney from Jax.  Tumor-ghost sex people. TUMOR-GHOST SEX.   Plow patents.  PLOW PATENTS.  Not exactly storylines to write home about.  EVER. 

Now granted this does involve beleive ABC/GH has a higher opinion of Greg Vaughan and the character of Lucky Spencer than they normally do.  (usually he ranks just above gum on the bottom of their shoes.) However randomly, the only thing that eclipsed Steve Burton Contract Watch 2009 was Greg Vaughan Contract Watch 2009.  Partially because of his refutting the rumors on Twitter, but the magazines would not let it go. They followed up on it at least twice.  And that rumor pops up roughly every six weeks.  Most Greg fans don’t even pay attention to it any more.  All the stories about the hatred of the Ethan story mentioned the horrific writing/treatment of Lucky in it.  Including SID, which lets face it, is basically written by Guza and Fron’s assistants/wives. 

Look it helps me sleep at night so there’s that.  BUT its entirely possible that while I will HATE this completely the ending might not be as horrific as the two years of Jiz. Which is always a good thing.

{September 9, 2009}   I’m normal!!!

Apparently there is a NAME for what I have!

See I was getting worried that I can feel my stomach clench up and knot up and I get rage-related headaches when I see spoilers related to GH go up. I see certain actors yammering (one rhymes with Gony Feary) and even though I know…I know for CERTAIN I am going to hate hate hate what I read…..I do it anyway.  Sure there are rare times its worth it (like the SOD article that finally announced Jiz’s breakup…that one was glorious) but those are rare times indeed. 

it’s like i need to be mad and upset. I mean sure it makes for easier blogging and i’m 99% sure that hating something is a prerequisite for blogging when its about a soap and all but still I was worring about my mental health there.  Like I know I’m not going to like what Tony or Tyler or Bob or Brian or Jill is going to say. I know I will roll my eyes and complain to my way too considerate friends who at this point have to think “Get a life sweets!”

Then I got my monthly Glamour and I found out there is a name for this.  So apparently I am normal!  I mean if Glamour says so…it must be ok……

Apparently what I have is a hate crush….it is defined as such when you obsess about someone you loathe.  And that’s it! That is so it!  I have hate crushes!!!!!

I feel better now….ok so Glamour has it as a Don’t but that can change…and change quickly.  i’ll make it change.

Oh for the love of Pete!

Can GH just pick ONE crappy storyline and stick with it?

First we have to contend with the STILL unexplained ickiness of Liz/Nik macking on each other whenever they come within five feet of each other.  On top of Nik’s STILL unexplained plan to destroy Rebecca by what…dating her?  I know most of his ex girlfriends do end up dead so maybe that is the only plan he can think of but really….THIS is Nik going “Cassadine”? THIS is what Tyler and Bob Guza are trumpeting CONSTANTLY about what a fabulous storyline this is?  I have seen better explained and plotted storylines on a very special episode of Saved By the Bell

But now….now because Jason sees Lucky acting like a father to Jake in public (GASP!) because apparenlty Lucky and Sonny actually think it’s perfectly normal to bring children to a carnival.  (Just me laughing at Nik’s reaction of horror at the thought of bringing Spencer to the carnival? It was like Liz asked him to dress Spencer like a normal five year old.)  So we get the patenented eye-rolling Jiz stop and stare routine.  Gosh with such subtile displays of secrecy it’s a wonder why half the town knows this “secret” of Jake’s paternity.  How the Russians and Anthony Zaccarah figured out enough to threaten Jake and Elizabeth constantly is just beyond me.  Totally is.  Way to keep things on the downlow there guys!

But because of said stop and stare routine…Jake runs off….as a two year old at a carnival is prone to do. Really folks its why some person invented child leashes.  Now let me remind you all that Jake has been kidnapped twice. Both times when Liz was distracted.  And both times eveyrone in town all but gave up the child for dead. (although the second time did give us the insanely amusing scenes of Jason blowing up a roadhouse THEN realizing Jake was in there, screaming for an 18 month old to crawl through fire to come to him…a total stranger.  I know Jason is the Savior of Us All but really you need to be at least three to realize something so heady)  The second kidnapping was sooo traumatic…so a reminder of the DANGER that Jason lives with every day it brough the joyous day when the lightbulb finally went off in Liz’s head that hey…this might not be the best environment to raise children in (oh I’m sorry …i’m supposed to find that tragic right? Must have skipped that dose of kool aid) .

And yet in order for us to have ALL the children (except Cam and Spencer who are apparently old enough to ride all the rides by themselves.  Apparenlty Spencer kept a dose of “Magic Teenager Syrup” in his pockets)  be in danger…cause god forbid Guza write something where he doesn’t try to kill a child just cause……NO ONE FREAKING NOTICES JAKE RUNNING OFF ????

I mean yes on the plus side this is yet another thing, like global warming, my ulcer, the entire existance of the Quad from Hell and the show from 2006-2008 that I can lay in full blame on the feet of Jason…but still……

Can Guza just pick ONE crappy insulting to Lucky at all times storyline and be done with it?

{September 2, 2009}   Now THIS should have been shown!

A brief detour from my usual GH screeching….

One of the biggest tragedies of the Emmys, besides the obvious of GH’s gimmicking their way to another undeserved Emmy, was that because the production team couldn’t time their way out of a paper bag….the planned tribute to Guiding Light…the longest freaking running show in the history of television PERIOD..going off the air after 72 flipping years had to be cut down but woo boy lets watch three minutes of an effing tribute to “fashion”. 

But thanks to the wonderful brilliant and fabulous Michael Fairman….this injustice has been rectified.

This is what we should have seen.

et cetera