Sarcastic Clapping

I suspect this will be a short list.

1- Mac/Alexis…and the possibilty that they will quite teasing me with their potential awesomeness and let them BE AWESOME

2- No Niz this week.  Oh thank you Jesus…you heard my prayers!

3- The inital mainstream reaction to James Franco is sureal disbelief regarding the show on a whole.  Every time a blogger asks “So where’s the actual hospital in this show?” an angel gets her wings.

4- I have successfully avoided being assaulted by obnoxious promos from hell ALL MONTH! Hooray!

Wow..four…that’s more than I thought.

This entire reaction may just be due to PMS. So take it with a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough, a handful of Midol and a nice big margarita by yourside.

I am so freaking sick and tired of hearing about how much more wonderful Lucky Spencer is since the end of October…and seeing THIS verision of Lucky get credit for things other Luckys (and fans who accepted another actor in the role years ago) did!

Lucky is now getting all this praise for being a smart, edgy detective…ok I just hallucinated the parts of the show where Lucky solved several cases….figured out what was going on….and risked his career to save his family.  You know like when he arrested Diego as the campus stalker.  Or Jason for being Alcazar’s murderer.  Like when he figured out something was fishy with the story Jason gave him regarding Sam’s hit and run.  Or he was suspended to save Nikolas from being framed for Helena’s murder. 

Yet apparenlty because Jonathan Jackson wasn’t playing Lucky…that stuff didn’t count.

The only difference is now the show is more willing to allow Lucky to appear to be those things.  You know why Lucky was denied respect for those arrests and actions? Because at the time…it was all written to show that the PCPD were incompetent morons who only did things to show their complete jealousy over not being cool like the mob.  They were berrated for making arrests for crimes we saw them do!  And things like arresting a career criminal for breaking bail was written as not the reaction of a cop…but the jealous reaction of a husband who had no clue there was anything to be jealous about.

And now it’s cool for Lucky to be a cop with some fans beacuse of the explanation Lucky gave Sonny of all people? First off…I and many other Lucky fans figured out why Lucky was a cop years ago.  Years.  And to my shock…I found that the reasons I came up with were exactly the freaking same as the ones Lucky rattled off.  And I figured all this out by….knowing Lucky’s history.  Yeah I admit using Summer as the springboard into beign a cop was lame….no argument there.  But really…Lucky was raised to be a protector and he was always a boy scout.  ALWAYS.  How many computer hackers you know hack into the school records to find out background information about a teacher and don’t change grades or schedules?  Remember how when he ran away and was living on Liz’s floor, the PCPD would groan about how the had no legal room to make Lucky go home or force Luke to actually be a father because Lucky was still going to school.  He ran away and still went to school.  Even I, at the height of my LL2/Lucky fan mania rolled my eyes at that one.  Protector, boy scout, swore off the life his father had planned for him the second he found out about Laura’s rape…..gosh it’s not that big of a leap that a natrual born protector would become a cop.  Hells bells I say this as a career option 12 years ago…with Jonathan playing the part. 

For all the talk about Lucky finally realizing something is up with Liz…ummm remember the proposal? As badly timed as it was…he gave her like 90 outs during it to turn him down with a  no harm, no foul attitude.  (I am fully amused to see Lucky’s bad proposalitis is still going strong!) 

Do I recognize the unholy Niz storyline has morphed from “poor will he climb out of this destructive stretch” to “Poor Lucky…how will everyone get back in his good graces”? YEs.  Do I recognize that the show has given lucky more airtime and is more willing to give him a POV now? Yes.

But all it does for me is confirm that GH has blatant favorites among the cast and will only write for those actors and no one else.  For me it is not so much a credit to the actor…as a credit to the assholish, unprofessional way the showrunners choose to run their show as an old boys club rather than a true ensemble drama.

{November 19, 2009}   Was that it?

No seriously? That was it?

Nikolas’s dark dark twist Cassadine plan for Rebecca….for failing to con him mind you…..was…..

To date and dump her?

I know I’m not smart like Nik is and can enlighten the entire world on the true state of Luke and Scotty’s relationshp and all….but really? Isn’t that called dating someone? Seeing if you like them?

Does he get all his “dark twist ideas” from very special episodes of Saved by the Bell….or repeated viewings of “She’s All That”?

I know he is the lamest and least of the Cassadines…..Spencer clearly showed some smarts and is now clearly living on his own in well furnished apartment with his own staff of 12…….but am I missing something? Like what’s so darn dark and twisted about this?

Which all his cackling and crowing about how he was going to destroy her…I was expecting something…I don’t know…actually scary.

As I have said before…this show should not confuse me as much as it does.  When GH does confuse me I feel like I am loosing a game of Tic Tac Toe to the showrunner from Alf who thought the puppet was real. 

Yet it seems that is GH’s aim these days…to make me feel about as bright as a two dollar coin. 

First Nikolas claimed that Luke had betrayed his own best friend Scotty by raping Laura.  I think  a large chunk of my brain fell off and died right then.  I thought Big Bird was real and my mom didn’t watch GH at that time and even I am clear on the fact Luke and Scotty could in no way shape or form be considered friends. Not even in the ever so crafty Guza-approved dictonary.  Furthermore really Nikolas? You get called on your serial wife poaching ways and THAT is the argument you want to go with?  Shut up, die and prepare for your role as Jon Gosslin in the inevitable made for TV movie…



I’m just saying…

And now Jason quits the mob…out of concern for what his example has set for Michael.  MICHAEL.  Not the son we saw him mope and whine and be in secret pain about for roughly two freaking years on this show….the son who he’s seemingly has completely forgotten since the Russians kidnapping.    Now that’s confusing enough…but not as much as how clearly the show wants us to see this as a noble and heroic choice.

Noble and heroic….stopping mass murder for profit.

On what planet? Besides Planet Guza that is?

Just…just…ok like I even more a moment remotely suspect Jason will actually stop being a hitman.  I mean clearly, according to the massive hyping ABC is doing about James Franco’s run, Jason’s going to be the only one to save the world from the evil and manaical hitman who isn’t Jason…..and he’ll probably have to KILL him before the whole storyline is over.    Didn’t Sonny just try this….and didn’t he spend more time telling Jason how to run the mob than being out of it?  February is totally going to be all about how Jason HAS to come back to save the world right?

Also…really? It’s easier to leave the MOB than it is to quit a job at McDonald’s?  This idea didn’t occur to Jason during say…the interminable discussions of how he couldn’t be with Liz and Jake because of the DANGER?  Or during the Jason’s choice of being an FBI informant? 

God this show is so broken.

{November 10, 2009}   Have I just become a cynical hater?

For the past week or so I have been confused and sitting staring at my computer screen in a daze.  And surprisingly it was not because of really stupid spoilers or rumors or reading a live thread about what was happening on GH while I was at work.  No my confusion my friends is a source much closer to home for me. 

With a disturbing regularity, bloggers and columnists who’s opinion I admire and respect, people who as a rule tend to not play the ass kissing game so many other soap journalists play all the time, people who are not afraid to say GH sucks, is broken and needs fixing, are saying that the episodes leading up to Claudia’s disturbing murder were good and even one called it Emmy worthy. Oh Nelson Branco, why have you foresaken me???  And Sarah Bibel of Deep Soap?  What the hell? Did you get paid off?

Now to be fair not all my favorites have abandoned me. Mala Bhattajharee (try spell checking that name!) from SOW has been regularly shuddering on her own blog, Twitter account and the SOW online newsletter. And Marlena Delacrouix has seen nothing but “sweeps ala Guza a gogo”.  And my girls at Serial Drama are with me.  But the number of people who found redemable and admirable things in epsiodes where a man carefully and methodically set up a mentally ill woman to pay for an accident that was the result of Sonny’s usual half-cocked no thought required revenge scheme, with liberal use of the words “whore”, “bitch” and “slut” culminating in a teenager killing his stepmother with a mother effing axe instead of reacting with horror and vitriolic anger at the same old same old has me wondering….

Have I turned into the hater that TIIC think all internet viewers are?  Am I now offically impossible to please? 

Let’s examine the evidence:

Sonny finally gets confirmation that Claudia is indeed behind the hit that resulted in Michael being shot in the head.  Sonny has been suspecting this for some time.  He is also aware of Claudia’s background as a daughter of the mob and her ease and comfort with guns, given she just threatened some random rival mob goons while on “the island’. (Oh Puerto Rico, how I never ever want to visit you now!) Now I will give the show credit that Sonny did not immediately react with a barware throwing tempertantrum.  That was unexepected.

But what does he do? He plans a birthday party, inviting the most random collection of guests to a mob party ever, including the mayor, the former DA, his children,  a former business partner he held personally responsible for the last kidnapping and near death experience Michael went through and two doctors who he only occassionally interacts with while we are supposed to feel sorry for him.   He of course has invited his ever trusty hitman St. Jason of the Holy Silencer.  And because no party is complete without the threat of karaoke now….Spinelli and Maxie.  In the middle of this party for his wife, he begins a bizare monologue all about himself and his relationships, including talking about relationships this show has not taken care to show in about five years.  He then pubically outs Claudia as the person who ordered the hit that caused Michael to end up in a coma and calmly orders his guards to take her away….while not exactly ordering a hit in front of witnesses, it’s pretty damn close.   Also the use of “bitch”, “whore” and “slut” reach heights you didn’t know GH could climb.

To the shock of only the deaf, blind and stupid, Claudia figures out this would be a bad idea.  No one ever said “slut” and “bitch” meant stupid.  And she takes a hostage.  Pregnant Carly because when all else fails, always take the high risk pregnant “center” of the show because we won’t give a shit otherwise.  Sonny does not call the police, nor does anyone else it seems at the party.  All eyes fall to Jason to save poor poor Carly.  Jax and Sonny get into the middle of the most ridiculous pissing match of all time over who should watch the boys, while neither look  for high risk pregnant Carly. Jason almost shoots a mother and her children based on a mis-identified car which caused his 9 billionth crisis of confidence since about ohh the brain clusters of 2005.  Michael cause he is brave and true and strong and so like Sonny and Jason, magically finds Carly when no one else can and takes Claudia out with a mother effing axe.

Have I missed the part that is good?  Cause I can not see what the hell is different about this sweeps start than any other one GH has ever done.  Oh sure the sainted three right now are so concerned about what will happen to Michael…..and are absolutely dumbfounded that he’s not phased by this or worried about anything.  Don’t know why since you know he’s not ever faced a consequence in his life. And yes Jason is having the realization that he helped screw Michael up epically, which would be good if A – his revelations weren’t told to Sam who’s replaced Liz in the role of cheerleader to say the most demented things ever to make sure we know Jason is different. He has a good heart GH? Really? or B – he hasn’t had this exact revalation about a billion and one times during the never-ending saga of Secret Pain over Jake.  Seriously, weren’t roughly half of Jiz’s exhaustive repeated conversations about exactly that?  And didn’t all of them have the exact same revelations when Faith kidnapped Michael, Morgan and Molly? 

It’s the flipping same old same old.  It’s sweeps, which seems to escape the notice of these people who praise the latest twists on GH.  Guza always submitts sweeps episodes for Emmys.  Of course he’s going to wake up and write for this sweeps. What is he going to submit if he doesn’t? Toxic Balls that causes universal laughter?  The Carn-evil complete with Jason’s Walk of Pain and Heartbreak?  Yeah those will work.  Not to mention both of those stunts feature Greg Vaughan’s Lucky and I’m pretty sure GH doesn’t want to bring up that can of worms when trying to gimmick an Emmy. 

But there is always the chance that I have become the whiney never satisfied Internet hater the show always complains about.  I mean I am no fan of the mob storylines and don’t hestitate to say so, and admit I want to spend most of my time fast forwarding them all together. I aslo admit so far the highlight of sweeps for me was the absolute ridiculousness of Liz’s dream of Lucky shooting Nikolas. 

But I just don’t think I have. 

Have I?

{November 4, 2009}   Can’t they watch Law & Order?

What the hell?

I just….don’t….what?

Ok so when Jason kills and Sonny orders a killing, its in “self-defense” and it’s to “protect the family”.

Yet when Michael…kills Claudia, who kidnapped his mother in front of half the town, who was just outed as the person responsible for his getting shot in the head, who he just walked on trying to kidnap his baby sister….which to  my mind is mitigating circumstances and pretty much gaurantee Michael would get off basically scott free in a jury trial…we have to cover it up….

I mean heaven forbid Michael actually has to face his consequence…I know the horror there! 

This is the same show that had Logan murdered in a fashion that was so blatantly self-defense that it was practically written in magic marker on the back of the set.  Yet whenever anyone else who isn’t Jason commits a justified homicide….we have to cover it up.  Elizabeth’s shooting of the RUSSIAN is the exception rather than the rule and I’m not convinced that wasn’t allowed because it was to protect Jason’s son.  (Upcoming poll…how long till Guza reverses that?  I say…February tops) 

Does this show realize self defense is allowed to be used by people other than Jason and Sonny?

{November 3, 2009}   Stop..just stop!

Dear Fanfiction Author-

I know there is a lot of show out there to screech and blog about.  I could and have fill a book with screeds on how this show isn’t ACTUALLY getting better…it’s just Guza sweeps writing….and I will…but I have to say this to you…you my fellow fanfiction writer…


Just stop it. Stop it now.  The world does not need another one of these stories.  Ok?  I get that it’s easy. I get that it’s fun.  It’s also the most cliched over done fanfiction storyline there is. And nine times out of ten IT SUCKS. 

If the muse sparks an idea of placing your favorite characters all in the same high school class…..back away from the computer and shut it down.

et cetera