Sarcastic Clapping

{December 28, 2009}   The worst of the worst…

On a board I post on frequently…the yearly thread of Your Top 10 and Bottom 10 stories has started.  And while compiling my list, I realized I would have to include my nighttime soaps (Glee counts right? Sure it does.) or else I would have no Top 10 to speak of when it came to General Hospital.  As it is I think GH appeared exactly three times. 

But I’m sure to no one’s surprise….I very quickly was able to come up with my Bottom10. Which I know proudly present to you as a belated Christmas gift from me! =)

Bottom Ten
10. Robin’s PPD being morphed into Patrick’s PPD.

Ahhh the start of 2009.  And trust me…if some things hadn’t happened in the last half of the year all of January would have been all over this list.  But really and truly the entire mis-handling of Robin’s PPD has to rank up there as one of the worst excuses of a social issue storyline ever perpetrated on daytime television.  It started out well and I could buy into Robin suffering from PPD.  And honestly, Kimberly McCullough sold her early scenes of Robin not being able to touch Emma with total talent that made you realize why she is a two time Emmy winner.  Then Robin put Emma in a tree.  And no one thought that was insane behavior.  Followed by Patrick telling anyone with a pulse who would stop still long enough to listen all about how Robin just wasn’t dealing with this and how much he had suffered and tried to be helpful….when all he had done was whine about having to act like a father, complain about Robin wanting to work and holding up Elizabeth as a perfect parent not only to Liz but in front of Robin as well. 

When the only bright spot about this storyline was the long departed Hottie Brad the Carpenter…well not much good can be said when that’s the only part I liked.

When this storyline finally ended about four months after it should have I might have done a little dance of joy.
9. Franco’s crush on Jason.

Purely becaues I dont’ think I’m supposed to find it funny.
8. The recent Lucky/Luke stuff….

Yes I saw this coming about two seconds after the Jonathan Jackson/Greg Vaughan switch announcement was made. But it doesn’t mean I like it anymore now than I did when it first occured to me.  Luke has been nothing but a deadbeat, a louse and generally horrific father to Lucky for the past decade.  He’s openly laughed at Lucky’s kidnapping and brainwashing by Helena as a “creative prank”.  He’s treated Lulu and Ethan as better than Lucky. He’s derided Lucky’s career choice and called Lucky’s selfless decision to raise Cam and Jake a “dead end life raising other people’s children.”  And a lot of this happened between February and May.  We also saw Lucky swear off his father and be quite clear he wasn’t so concerned about Luke’s asshatness for his own sake but he wasn’t about to let his mother be disrespected in this manner. 

And of course I swooned. You so didn’ t have to ask that.

Yet these days….I think I am supposed to beleive that two conversations with Lucky where Lucky told Luke off for the millionth time…that NOW Luke is concerned about Lucky. That he’s worried about breaking Lucky’s heart and that’s why he’s inexplicably keeping quiet about Nik/Liz.  All of this without one admittance from Luke that he’s been an unrepentant ass to his son and Lucky has been right about Luke being a worthless deadbeat for years. 

Not buying. At all.  However I do realize the odds of anyone else agreeing with me on this is restricted to Greg Vaughan fans.  So call me bitter. I won’t deny it. But I still say shenanigins to this whole mess.

7. Nik/Liz hook up for no reason.

I know…I thought this was going to be number one to.  No one is surprised more than me by it appearing pretty low on this list.  I have spilled much virtual ink about this abomination on our screens.  But let me try to explain why I so hate this storyline.  First it’s the disguising out and out skeeviness as a “classic soap story”.  It’s the complete lack of thought or actual story plan. Nik’s in love with Rebecca….no he’s not….he wants Liz…there’s a void between LL2…oh no there’s not….Nik loves Elizabeth…Elizabeth doesn’t love Lucky…yes she does…..could they actually write a story instead of just throwing darts at the wall?  There is the absolute lack of chemistry between Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Herbst.  There is the fact Elizabeth looks like she’s trying not to do a Linda Blair impersonation in their scenes and I dont’ think Nikolas has made a facial expression in about three years.  And let us not forget the insanity that is trying to pass as whitewashing and sympathy pleas for two characters that are looking unredeemable with every passing day.  Did you ever think you would live to see the day when this show would pull out Liz’s rape at 15 as a blatant emotional manipulation to try to get the audience to ease up on the hate?

I wept that day….and died a little inside.
6. Claudia’s murder by Michael and the subsequent stupid cover-up and assurance that Michael “did good”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not shocked by Michael killing someone. I was one of the many who called Michael “MyKill” for years all over the internet.  I just still am confused as to why this murder had to be covered up in the first place.  While I don’t beleive it was self-defense as GH believed it was, there were mitigating circumstances all over the place.  The odds of him actually doing hard time for this crime, considering how well connected his father is, was about as great as the chance of Bob Guza actually writing a decent soap opera not centered around the mob.    Does this show honestly believe no one but Jason can use the defense of self-defense or “the other guy had it coming”? 

And Michael “did good” per Sonny?  Vomit.  Vomit. Vomit.
5. The utter confusion and concern by Micheal’s family over why he’s not showing any ill effects of killing a person and why he’s so gun-ho about joining the family business.

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again…maybe if the little psycho had ever faced a consquence in his entire fecking life, he wouldn’t think being a crime lord is the pinnacle of success.  Really? They are shocked by this turn of events?  Didn’t the entire free world see this coming when Carly and Jason decided AJ raising Michael would be just the worst thing in the world?

4. Keifer/Kristina

The most mysogenstic soap on air is lecturing against teen dating violence? Michael says “Axe please!”  Until someone (besides me and Mala) points out this is just Sonny’s behaviors being done by a kid….I’m on team UGH for this one.
3. Rebecca/Nikola’s stupid revenge plan.

Let’s overlook the fact that Guza so misread the room about the anger over killing off Emily Quartermaine in an unnecessarily brutal fashion as grief over the departure o Natalia Livingston, a classic love her or hate her actress.    I won’t even get into the ridiculous history rewrite that Paige Bowen really had twins and sold one on the black market.  I will say that once again a storyline was clearly derailed by Guza’s inability to plan an actual storyline without getting distracted by shiny objects.  And for all the talk about how discovering Rebecca’s “deception” (that she failed at mind you…she didn’t actually get any money from him) would turn Nik into a dark Cassadine….well I am still waiting for him to turn Cassadine.  Helena, Stavros and Stefan probably laughed themselves sick over the idea of dating a woman and then dumping her being considered a plan worthy of a Cassadine. 

2. Lulu’s out of nowhere concern for how Dante taking down Sonny will destroy Sonny…..and her insistence on calling him officer in that full voice snark of hers while they are in public.

Man I was liking Lulu/Dante there for awhile….and then they had to go and have Lulu discover Dante’s secret of being an undercover cop. Now she’s all concerned that Dante’s misison to bring down Sonny will bring trouble. Not for Dante for crossing a mobster (they generally don’t like that) but because it would cause trouble for Sonny. Because Sonny is an “old family friend” (who hasnt’ actually had anything to do with her family since about 2005) and he like gives money to charities. 

Not to mention the ridiculous notiont that Jax calling Dante, who’s cover story is the mob lackey working as a bodyguard for Jax’s step children, is going to blwo the entire operation and not Lulu walking around town calling Dante “officer” at the top of her voice whenever she can.
1. Ethan Lovett is Luke’s son with Holly…..from around the time Laura was pregnant with Lulu and ON SCREEN all the time.

Now this is related to number 8 totally. But Ethan Lovett’s entire creation is the single worst abuse of history I have ever seen a show do.  It spit on Luke and Laura’s history, Robert and Holly’s history and the entire vieweing audience in one fell swoop.  The show acted like we should be swooning over this just because Luke was.  (The less said about Tony Geary’s obvious crush on Nathan Parsons the better for all of humanity.)  Lucky’s completely normal reaction to this was written off as jealousy over how he wasnt’ as awesome as Ethan and he just needed to get over himself.   Not to mention with all the mumbling Ethan does…it would have been completely more feasable to  make him Sonny’s child rather than Luke’s.  I though I had seen Bob Guza hold the audience of this show in contempt before…and then this happened.

So that’s it…the bottom ten for  me. What’s yours?

You would think after yesterday’s episode,  I would be on cloud nine.  I mean after all  I had this….

I swear that child is the reason why God invented biological clocks.

And then later on I had this…..

At the risk of sounding all fangirl on you…SQUEEEEEE!!!!!

But instead I spent a large portion of today groaning and covering my eyes.  All because of him

Yes it was that time again….our yearly visit with Luke the Grinch.  And the yearly visit of the currenlty favored relative who’s heartfelt entreaty convinces Luke each time that family and friends are important and that Christmas is worth celebrating.  And since of course now Lucky is played by St. Jonathan Jackson the Show Savior, were we really all that surprised Lucky got the nod this year?

Yeah I didn’ t think so.

Just like every time Sonny and Jason get into a fight, we get a mob war, every Christmas we get Luke the Grinch and the annual concern that he’ll skip the Spencer holiday gathering and ruin Christmas for everyone.  Why the hell has exactly none of them realized that Luke hates this holiday and really the dragging his butt to the table is more pain than it is fun?  Why do we have to suffer through speeches and scenes fretting about if Luke will show and how if he would just grace his family with his fecking pressence then a Christmas miracle would happen. 

A freaking Christmas miracle would be someone on this show calling Luke out for being the most unrepentant asshat currenlty on the show. (And with Nik’s pressence you all know that says a lot!)  Oh wait that was Lucky’s job until they decided to morph the unholy Niz hosebeast of a story into a “gosh…will Lucky and Luke ever be close again?”  Answer to that question for the record is I don’t give  a flying fig.  I gave up caring about that ohhh roughly a decade ago.  Now I have to sit there and try not to roll my eyes as I have to sit through beyond repeated scenes rehashing stuff that quite frankly we all saw Lucky write off in May when Ethan showed up.     I get it. Luke doesn’t like Christmas. It reminds him of Laura or how trapped he felt in her house or something.  Blah blah blah.  It’s the same old tired song and dance every . single. bleeding. year.    And every year everyone acts as if Luke’s abstaining from celebrating  is a new occurance. 

Instead of something they usually have to beg him for.

I know soaps have their holiday traiditons and trust me I’m glad we aren’t using the death theme that Guza usually does….but for the love of god the entire Spencer family is totally smarter than this.  If the show insists on reminding us every Christmas that Luke Spencer is the center of the universe can they at least make if fun for us?  Instead of the yearly “oh my god, Luke will ruin Christmas” can’t the Spencer kids do something like hold a card tournament and the loser has to go try to drag Dad from his drunken stupor in the bar and join in normal family activities? A dart tournament?  Normally I’d say a drinking contest but I don’t want to give Guza any ideas about destroying Lucky’s sobriety.  At least allow them to acknowledge that Luke’s adversion to the holiday is absolutely nothing new.

But since this is the Christmas season and all…lets try to end on a positive note for the season shall we?

There…that’s better. 

Happy Holidays to one and all!

photos thanks to LisaW’s Soap Heaven.  Bizarre photo shrinkage is my issue and mine alone.

{December 16, 2009}   A moment of awesomeness

Today something happened on GH that made me smile. 

I know.  The confusion is totally understandable.

There are about two characters on this show right now that I will unabashedly proclaim awesome without the use of qualifications or air quotes.  Said characters are Mac Scorpio and Molly Lansing.  And as befits the truly awesome on this show, they are only trotted out to tease us with glimpses of how good we could have it.  And I have made no seceret of my love of the potential for Mac and Alexis as a couple, even though I fully admit Bob Guza will never in three million years do that pairing the justice and time it deserves for the simple reason that he sucks monkey socks.

Hey you have two pretty petty client after hours calls and see how elequent you are ok? 

So imagine my glee when this happened.

Awesomeness squared!

Plus Steven Lars putting St. Patrick of the Holy Hands in his place?  And playing darts?  And making probably the fugliest leather jacket this side of Lucky’s wretched bomber hoodie work? Ok maybe that’s crossing the line to fan girl crazy.

Sometimes all you can do is..well let Kurt show us.

Unabashed delight and giggles!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven  except for dancing Kurt…he’s MINE!  Thanks to Leigh.

Oh holy hell….

There was a time when the sight of Jason, Sonny and Carly lecturing Michael about how using violence to solve problems wasn’t the answer made my head whip around so quick I had whiplash for a month at the sheer hypocirsy of the entire thing. 

Then today happened.  And I think you all know what I am referring to….

Now first off while I agree that Luke lecturing anyone on fidelity while Mumbles Mate Spencer is still on my screen is ludicrious.  But Nik has GOT to stop throwing stones from his glass house in HeadUpHisAssistand, Diklyvania.    This is his third relationship with a woman that was otherwise involved when he decided he had to be with her forever.   He’s giving the EXACT same speeches and justifications that he gave when anyone (generally Lucky) dared to question him about pursuing married Emily or maried Courtney.   He’s even blaming Lucky in the exact same manner as when he used to blame Zander and Jax for why he just HAD to be with the women they loved.  One time in this situation I might be a little forgiving…but three times? Dude you have a poaching habit and need to find a cure.

And then…then when Lucky breaks up the fight and rightly wonders why two allegedly grown men are acting worse than his six year old and two year old (And I think Jake and Cameron totally would rocked that tag team bout)  Nikolas let loose the little gem that Lucky needs to remember that he is Lucky’s brother and he loves him.

I don’t say this lightly but you are right Jason. This does call for the pounding of the head. 

Nik loves Lucky? Wasnt’ he just trying to figure out a way to get Lucky to fall for Rebecca, dump Elizabeth to be with Rebecca all so Nik could be with Elizabeth?  And who was so beaten up about his betrayal of his brother that he loves that he uttered the words “but just because he loves you doesn’t mean I don’t get to too!”  Um actually Prince Humperdick…THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS! 

Maybe I’m being too hard on Nik. He certainly beat a hasty retreat out of the Haunted Star after that. Although I suspect that is more to do with what I suspect is his master plan to have anyone else on the canvas tell Lucky the truth except him.  Nik certainly seems convinced that if someone else tells Lucky…Lucky will be just gosh golly gee willikers willing to let Nik have at it with Elizabeth.   I thought…ok…that’s it…the clear WTF moment of the day. 

And then Luke….wondered when exactly he became the last person Lucky trusted and the first one he doubted.

I know adorablely expressive Steven without your too cute glasses!  How can he not know????? It’s not like he wasn’t there the exact second it happened.  It’s not like he didn’t have a major part in that…what with confessing to raping his mother and all.  And it’s not like for the past decade we haven’t seen Luke do things like dump the raising of Lulu into Lucky’s lap and then screeches at him when the somewhat adult Lulu makes a decision Luke doesnt’ agree with .  (Remember the fun of Lulu dating a Baldwin was totally Lucky and Nik’s fault?)  It’s not like he’s done nothing but treat him like poo on his shoe ever since Lucky joined the police force…except for the times when it could get Luke or Lulu out of trouble…then Luke is all for it. It’s not like he openly treats Ethan better than him. It’s not like he effing laughed off Lucky’s kidnapping by Helena as a “creative prank”.  And really? He thinks that Lucky’s decsion to live his life on his own terms is an act of rebellion?  Luke…that was Lucky workign for Helena for all of a week.  Not this.  Get over yourself and give that high horse you are on an apple.  He needs the nourishment from hauling your overinflated ass around. 

Not that I’ve ever liked these two characters in years……or ever in Nik’s case…..but really are they trying to outdo Sonny and Jason in the most vile character department? Was the entire point of this storyline to make me stop hating on Jason and Sonny?  In that case well played GH….well played.

But if it’s not…well Luke and Nikolas…Satan called…you two are the new Princes of Soullessness.

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{December 10, 2009}   oh La’moure

Aww the sweet strands of young love….

The preperation for the date….

Lighting the candles to set the mood…..

Making sure the bedroom is neat and orderly …just in case

All of course for that special someone…..the one that makes your heart do flip flops and want to do things like shoot your phone….

Leave it to GH to give us the set up for a romantic evening….between a hitman and his obsessed murdering stalker.

Pictures thanks to LisaW’s Soap Heaven

{December 9, 2009}   Meet my new hero!

I have to admit I was completely hesitant about Scott Reeves being cast as Dr. Steven Lars Webber. First there was the whole he was goign to be cheif of staff when Monica was already that thing.  I had visions of dead Qs and accusations of incompetence dancing in my head.  And then came the news that STeven Lars….was going to be known as Steve.    I admit it….my brain went to the scary place that Guza would one day invent a female character that reminds him of himself for the sole purpose of writing the lines “I love you Steve.”

And the fact Scott is so close to Steve Burton didn’t help matters.  It just didn’t.  I admit my prejudices.

But then he showed up….and Steven (nope…I will never EVER call him Steve….hell to the no) was AWESOME.

First…he’s adorably easy to fit in your pocket!

He’s so wee! 

Then he awesomely backed Robin over Patrick…and while I do like Patrick…it is always fun to see him not treated as St. Patrick of the Holy Hands who is always right and can save everyone. Such writing, as we know, is reserved for Jason and Jason alone.  Plus…turns out Robin was right and Patrick ended up backing his wife.  A woman who’s name is not Carly or Lulu was proven right on THIS SHOW!  Who the hell thought it was possible??????  Not me!

And plus when was the last time we all saw Liz this happy?

And about someone in her family!  Need I remind you that includes Sarah “the anti-chemistry vaccum” Webber?  Do you all know how insanely frightened I was about hearing sometime in the next two weeks that Nik had “re-awakened” her smile and happiness that had been under lock and key since the rape?  It kept me up at night.

Plus…Steven did not seem that he will be all that  impressed with Nikolas.  Which well made of win in my book.  Anyone who can look at Nikolas and automatically can tell….hideous hosebeast…..FABULOUS.  May he pass those smarts on the to the rest of the town and most importantly HIS SISTER. 

I know he’s recurring….but seriously….Give him the contract Natalia just vacated!

photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap World

{December 7, 2009}   oh there you two go again!

Oh Brian Frons and Bob Guza…

You two are almost adorable in your belief that soap fans are just stupid enough to beleive your crap.  I find the fact you are apparenlty unaware that things like You Tube and fan edits exist so we can easily do things like re-watch scenes and realize that hearing Liz spew nonesense about not initating and liking sex is complete and utter crap of the highest order and dissmissive of ALL of her fandoms this close to be hillarious.  It’s almost funny the way you think we would forget we spent two years watching Liz beg to be nothing more than Jason’s booty call.  Or the fact that often times Liz is the initator with Lucky simply because of the fact he was there after the rape and his own fears of being exactly like Luke.  Or Naked Wednesday with Ric. Or the fact you do not have sex in the rooms above Jake’s if you in anyway dislike sex or do not take iniative. 

And the fact you think anyone on this planet who has watched soaps for longer than three minutes doesn’t fully realize that A – the only reason Rebecca illogically found out about Niz is because Natalia Livingston is on her way out the door or B- Lucky is so not going to find out a minute before its time to start February sweeps and even then…only after Lulu, Tracy, Maxie, Cruz, Harper, new Detective Williams, Max, Milo, Sonny and Olivia all find out. 

Want to really shock me? How about not treating me like an idiot?  I know James Franco thinks I am all wigged out about his being on my T V screen…but really I totally get the fact this is a show….and you all have sweeps.  And you try for your ratings during sweeps.  I know the people in the box are not real.  And since I’ve watched this show for a while now…I also am aware of exactly how you write.  And when you reveal things.  And the odds of you revealing something in a non-sweeps month.  This is the show that bragged that writing a soap opera like a soap opera (ie “each day builds on the next!”  “You don’t want to miss a moment!”) was something new and revelutionary.    As I said then…duh!

{December 2, 2009}   Ewwww…with a side of ewwww

Normally I have a live and let live mentality when it comes to fandoms.  You like the idea of Mac/Diane? Hey go for it.  Be my guest! But every now and again some buzz starts around two charactes and I have to shake my head and just go “Seriously????”

Right now I’m want someone to explain the whole facination with Ethan/Kristina.  And I want it  explained RIGHT NOW. 

I know she grew up litterally over night and one of her first “teenage” acts was to strip to her underware in front of Jason to distract him from looking for Michael…and weren’t we all just chuckling and applauding her creativity there?  But seriously…she is still under the age of 18.  And Ethan as the show has taken ridiculous pains to point out is the same age as Lulu….so early 20s I’m thinking if I was to pay attention to him. 

That’s called illegal. 

Kristina certainly has horrid taste in men.  She’s dating Keifer.  Her best friend is Michael.  So  I can see her having a crush on Ethan.  But to have Ethan basically flirting with her?  Come on. Eww.  I didn’t smile and laugh when he flirted with his alleged sister…why am I going to find it cute when he does it with a minor?????

et cetera