Sarcastic Clapping

{January 27, 2010}   Beauty and the Beast

I was going to comment today about Carly’s observation about how she doesn’t have any female friends and how that might be related to her feeling the need to be a hypocrtical skank who thinks she can decide who gets custody and forgets her own history at the same time.  I was going to comment about how freaking ridiculous it is that it’s only dawning on the Mob Crew to fully vet Dominic when he’s been working closely with them for months.  Didn’t he blackmail his way into this?  Do Sonny and Jason do background checks with the same firms that check out all these people on reality tv?  Or the fact that apparenlty Dante is some sort of bizarre FBI/NYPD hybrid cop that I don’t get at all.  There was also the insanity of Sam the undercover PI…A- not understanding what undercover means  (does she use her name when she’s going on her own undercover assignments?) and B – telling Kristina that dressing to please a man was just so silly and beneath her.   I don’t call her the Underware PI for nothing folks.

And then…somethign truly terrifying appeared on my screen. Something more cringe inducing than Niz.  YES IT IS THAT HORRIFIC!

What is that??????  I’m supposed to take Spinelli seriously as A – a real person, B – an adult capable of carring on a mature relationship with Maxie and C – a top of the line computer hacker who has supreme mastery of search engines…..and they dress him like he’s a mentally challenged three year old?  They want me to beleive the non-husband or whatever he is to a fashionista like Maxie is allowed to have something that hideous in his closet?

I just ….i can’t….I need something awesome to take my mind off the trauma.

There! That’s better! 

And while I do like Scrubs, I’m telling you all….if they broke up in an organic non-Guza fashion (so yeah that won’t happen) and it wasn’t sleazy like Niz….man oh man would I love me some Steven/Robin.  I know people like Stebin…but I am more partial to Roven myself.  They are adorable.  Pocket-sized.  Doctors.  Legacy characters.  What’s not to love?

Screencaps courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

{January 26, 2010}   The cheese stands alone

Let me be clear. In no way am I defending the grossness of Niz. You all know me better than that.  I am not going to try to defend Elizabeth’s actions.  There is no defense for this.    And yes I have been waiting for Lucky to call Liz and Nik out with the rest of you.  And since the days of the Jason mess I have been wanting someone to scream at Liz.

But the “It’s All Liz’s Fault and She’s the Only One to Blame”  hit parade is ridiculous.  Completely and totally.

First we have Lucky channelling Sonny and calling her every name in the book. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Tramp.  Now yes he has a right to be angry and lash out.  But when the same character called her a “lying whore” after the Jake reveal the entire internet slammed him as not being the real Lucky.    And allegedly he was showing remourse later when he was with Luke but I didn’t see it.  Classic Lucky  Spencer guilt and remourse is him about drowning in self hate.  Not alcohol.  Now let us compare with what he yelled at Nikolas…the equally guilty party.

“Cassadine through and through.”

Now I know for a Spencer this is the height of insult.  But really? That was it?  If Liz got all that and Nikolas didn’t deserve at least a “bastard my mother was right to abandon”?  Lucky was lookign to destroy them and he knows their buttons. Liz’s is the boys.  Nik’s is his insecurity where Laura is concerned.  He went there with Liz. Why the hell not with Nik? 

And lets examine the fallout that’s been Emmy baiting out there.  We have Carly declaring that Liz is now an unfit mother and Jason…..the never changing murderer for hire mind you…..should sweep in and claim Jake…taking that child away from teh only parents he’s ever known and his brother.  Cause that’s so smart.  And Carly…going on about how Liz is a nympho who’s priorities are in her pants…which make her an unfit mother. Carly.  Sitting in judgement of sleeping with two brothers. Has she forgotten why everyone fell for her Michael is Jason’s son lie so easily? SHE SLEPT WITH BROTHERS!  Half of her issues with Jax are due to her cheating on him with Sonny.  And while no she didn’t say anythign to Liz..come on. It’s Carly. She’s going to.  We all know that. 

And Lulu.

Ok so I get that as Nik’s sister she would be inclined to want to protect her brother and I appreciate the fact that she is stuck in the middle here. I do. But holy hell.  She knew about Nik’s feelings for Liz. She blamed Liz completely for them.  She made the comment that at least they weren’t sleeping together, which Nik did not correct and yet she is still furious with Liz more than Nik.  Nik repeatedly owned up to his own fault.  Lulu’s response was basically “yeah yeah….we all know Liz is a slut”.    She even was all angry about the Jason involvement….when hello she basically hand waved that away and told both Liz AND Jason that she totally understood why the Eternal One Night Stand from Hell happened.  She was one of the biggest proppers of Jiz should be together and happy.  She went off on her brother for not forgiving Liz in like five seconds after he found out about the ONS.  People who spent the majority of two years propping a couple do not get to turn around act offended by it.

Now lets move on to her confrontation with Liz…which while she confronted Nik in private….Liz she went after in front of her friends and work colleges.

Where the entire town…for no reason…just stood there and watched.  Robin..who knew about this…did nothing but looked shocked. (Why? She knew what was going on between Liz and Nik. She’s known the longest of anyone) Patrick, who’s been a good friend to Liz…did nothing. Epiphany who doesnt’ hesitiate to tell anyone else to shut up and quit disrupting her hospital just stood there.  Sonny was there because all stories must involve Sonny.  Lisa was there…well I can’t figure out why Lisa is in Port Charles in the first place so confusion over her is nothing new.    Lulu just kept going…again I don’t necessarily disagree that the stuff needed to be said and I recognize a tear a character down to build her back up storyline when I see one.  But really…I’m supposed to buy all these people..most of whom like and respect Liz even when they don’t agree with her choices just stood there? That Ethan of all people had enough sense to get Lulu out of a hospital where there are sick people and her shrieking might do damage to their recovery?    I was feeling gratitude for Ethan? I don’t want to feel anythign for Ethan other than disgust and annoyance at his mere pressence!   

And furthermore…why the feck was Ethan the only one to check on Liz?  Why not Robin who knew this was going on? Why not Patrick who’s always been a good ear to Liz? Why did no one call her brother the Chief of Staff of the hospital and tell him what went down?  No. This random still unwashed grifter was the only one to check on her?  I call shenanigns!

In one episode this show had me agreeing with Nikolas (it is his fault too and he was the instigator), Jason (Carly’s logic was so seriously flawed it’s a wonder she’s able to walk upright) and feeling gratitude for Ethan (for getting Lulu out of there and making sure Liz was ok afterwards.)   I hate all three of them and never EVER want to feel anything other than disgust and boredom from them.  Are my paranoid thoughts right and Guza does know who I am and he’s purposely trying to drive me to a mental institution?  In that case…you win Guza. I check in tomorrow.

I knew from the beginning that GH would never shove Nik under the bus. They trotted out that “going dark because of Rebecca” excuse so often it became a great drinking game!  And lets be honest…the second Jon signed the new contract we all knew Lucky wasn’t going to be shoved under there.  Come on.  We all know if Greg was still there we’d have heard about Maxie, the drugs, Sam and Sarah. We all know it.  Instead all we have heard is Liz and Jason and the Jake lie.  I knew pretty much from minute one that Liz was always going to be the one who shouldered all the blame for this. After all that’s what they did with the implosion of Jason/Liz.  She couldn’t handle the danger was the reason, not Jason’s complete lack of interest in changing anything about himself.  And I have seen a lot, and I do mean a lot of characters shoved under the bus on this show.   So all this does not surprise me.

What does astound me is the praise and cheering on of this behavoir I’m seeing. Yes Liz acted reprehensively. Yes Nik andLiz deserve to get lambasted. But that’s the point. Both of them do. Not just Liz.   Where’s the violent cursing out of Nik? Where’s the accusations that Nik is a damn poacher who’s done this twice before?  That Nik should have learned his lesson after Emily and Courtney?  That if Nik was so damn concerned about his brother, he wouldn’t have been instigating anything with the love of his brother’s life?  Why has no one brought this up!  It’s completely relevant!  Yes these words are about three years too late when it comes to Liz…as they should have come after the Jason incident.  But come on people!  They are two people who screwed up here (pun intended) and only one…the female….is getting the heat.  That’s it.  Nik is getting off LIGHT. 

So let me just say…when this type of behavior befalls your favorite character (and Liz isnt’ mine.  So dont’ go there) and you are crying out about Guza’s hatred of women…I want everyone to remember this exact week…and how loudly you cheered for it. Because it’s reactions like this…that allow Guza to get away with what he does.

{January 20, 2010}   Bash me in the head with a bat.

You know I think I should just change this blog’s name to “Things about the way GH writes the character of Lucky Spencer that pisses me off” cause lets face it…99% of my virtual ink is related to this topic.  Mainly cause the writers are so determined to be dumbasses about it.

First let me say I know Jonathan Jackson is a great actor. He’s won a lot of Emmys. He’s super talented. At one time I was High Queen Scary fan girl counting down the days till he turned 18 and it was no longer illegal for me to like him.  (And I wasn’t the only one. Hello my former JJ-aholics who were damn proud of it. I remember who you are.)  So before you sit there and lob the “You’re just a bitter Greg Vaughan fan” at me…yes I do love Greg but that doens’t mean I don’t enjoy Jon as well.  I am mature like that. Mostly.  We’ll just forget about my Guza/Phelps/Frons vodoo doll collection in my closet. 

But come on.  This isn’t Lucky Spencer that he is playing.  This is some bizzaro land Lucky. 

Let’s start with his reaction to Niz and his decision not to confront them right then and there.  I get devistation.  I get anger. I get the want for revenge and the need to screw with their heads.   However I am a mean spirited and petty person.  I nurse grudges and I hate long and hard.  I am told this is not healthy and well my relationship track record would bare this out.   If the situation had been reveresed I could see Nik waiting to confront. I could see Elizabeth waiting to confront.  Why? Cause I’ve seen them do that.  What i have seen Lucky do in the many years he has been blindsided by information he does not want….is confront it directly.

Nik announces he’s his brother….Lucky confronts him and Laura.  Lucky finds enough information to convince himself that Luke did in fact rape Laura…he went home, packed a bag and confronted Luke.  Laura shows up in town and Lucky realizes Luke hasn’t told her anything about him leaving home….he admittedly acted like an ass to her but he confronts her about how he doesn’t understand her choice.  He finds out Maxie faked her pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage….he confronted her. He found out about Elizabeth and Jason’s one night stand from hell….he called Jason garbage, went home and confronted Elizabeth.  He finally found out about Jake…he punched Jason and confronted Elizabeth about lying to him.  He found out about Sam watching Jake being kidnapped and hiring goons to pull guns on Cameron…he confronted her.  He knew Elizabeth was holding back on information from him regarding that…he confronted her.  He suspected Jason knew more about Sam’s hit and run than Jason was telling…he confronted Jason.  He suspects Michael knows more about Claudia’s murder than he’s telling…he confronted Michael, Carly, Jason and Sonny. 

Are you seeing the same pattern I am?  Lucky gets shocked…he gets confirmation…he confronts and blasts them. 

Lucky does not play mind games.  Lucky does not go to town and act like Mark McGwyer and Barry Bonds after a bender. (Although that was flipping hysterical)  He does not start yelling at an immaginary Luke making wonder if he’s already off the wagon. (more on that later I’m sure) Lucky Spencer confronts the second he gets confirmation.  It has remained one of the few defining characteristics of this character no matter who’s playing him.

Yeah I know we are knee deep in JONATHAN JACKSON THE GREAT EMMY BAITING OF 2010. And I’m fully aware that just about every last critic is sitting there wetting themselves to praise it and act like this is some great return of Lucky Spencer or that only Jonathan could have delivered this when the truth is only Jonathan was going to be written this type of stuff.  And I’m fully aware that apparently the writing staff just got informed they had a trianlge they needed to blow for February sweeps.

But why couldn’t he blast them right then and there….then go home….have his bat attack….if they want him to play mind games…..he then goes back and acts like he’s ok…it was a shock but he’ll be alright…he’s happy for them…….you know like the way he reacted the other times he got blindsided like this and got 30 seconds to react……Nik is dumb enough to fall for this. Elizabeth’s really off the map of sanity actions on Monday seems to indicate she’d be dumb enough to fall for this.  Lucky can then extract revenge in any number of Luke-ish schemes (which the show is aiming to make us think he’s now like)  and he can still fall off the wagon.  All Emmy baiting can still happen….the critics can still give themselves orgasims….and it would still be soapy…without dragging this out for a single solitary second longer than necessary. 

And lets not even start on the, shall we say way too obvious, assencion of Lucky to the all-knowing, most popular guy save Jason in the town.  When Jasper Jax proposing to name Lucky Josslyn’s godfather is not the part of the show that throws me the most, it’s Carly’s protest that they barely know Lucky things are not well. Factually speaking Carly is correct. They do barely know Lucky. Except she’s listened to his concerns regarding Michael’s behaviors, she thought someone had invited Lucky to Michael’s birthday party, she suggested allowing Michael to confess to Lucky…..all things I’ve seen her do in the last month…..then the a new viewer would think that yes…Carly and Jax DO know Lucky very well.  At least well enough to consider his thoughts on parenting Michael.  I work with foster parents and natural parents for my job. I work with them closely for months and in some cases years….and I still can’t get people to consider my ideas on things I have studied and proven worked.  And I damn good at my job.   Apparently I just have to walk around town with the name Lucky Spencer and it will work!

This is not Lucky Specner “getting back to who he should have always been”.  Bullshit on that.  Even back when Jonathan Jackson first played the role…Lucky was referred to as “Laura’s son”….by Luke and others.  He has had his Luke moments….which generally led to him getting in his most trouble.  His poker addiction was from thinking like Luke.  His getting shot as a child was from thinking like Luke.  Throwing Nikolas down the stairs…thinking like Luke.  His drug addiction because he wouldn’t talk about his issues and he had this mythical idea of what he was supposed to be and felt like a failure at it so he drowned his failure in chemicals….well if that’s not Luke drinking for an entire decade I don’t know what is.  This is Bob Guza trying to A – playcate angry fans who about rioted in the street when the entire town lined up to lecture Lucky on why Ethan was so great, B- trying to rehab Luke’s  (and Tony Geary’s) image without actually having to go back and say that making Ethan a Spencer and the entire way they wrote that storyline(and the way they have written Luke in regards to his eldest child) was a big fat fattie mistake and C – trying to act like they didn’t just lay a ginormous goose egg by laying all their sweeps eggs in the Franco basket.

Oh trust me..I have in no way gone blind, deaf and dumb during REVEAL week…..(Coming soon…the fun of arguing with people who completely ignore your points!)

But I am only human…seeing something this freaking adorable..well it’s just against the universal law to be all ranty when something this so freaking adorable happens.  Especially on GH.  You just thank your lucky stars and hold on tight.  The bitching comes later. Much much much later.

Uncle Steven! Cameron! Jake! Cameron helping Jake get undressed like the awesome big brother he is!  Love! All sorts of love!

We’ll ignore the character formerly known as Elizabeth Webber in the picture. Just keep looking at the awesome.

Photo courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

How the hell have these two dumbasses kept this scecret for so long?

I mean seriously…first Nik’s instance on stalking and his thought process that apparently if he proclaims his love long enough…Liz will choose him and everything will just be grand and beautiful.  Lets ask Steven what he thinks about that.

Yeah I’m not having it either.

Then these two in front of Elizabeth’s co-workes…and with the subtle of a Gene Simmons sales pitch go off into a closet….which quite frankly they never EVER need to go in again. 

It’s no use Steven….Earth logic is far too advance for these simpletons.

Look i know its a soap and sometimes stupid things have to happen for an eavesdropped reveal….but really?  If you go into a closet to discuss how your affair is so freaking forbidden and to try to talk someone into the beleif they love you……MAKE SURE THE DAMN DOOR IS SHUT!

Seriously! I know Nik can’t see past his own nose but how the hell does Elizabeth who is the QUEEN of  “this must never ever be spoken of or discussed or discovered becuase it will destroy everything” miss that?  HOW? She is looking right at it!

Good Lord Nik’s not exactly been quiet about his feelings… it’s not like Lucky would miss Nik’s screaming.  And huge puffy body stomping out.  Or better yet since Lucky is now so perfect and awesome and all things right and wonderful…I’m sure he now has super sonic hearing and can hear conversations through closed doors.

DUMBASSES!  Holy hell they suck at the secret thing!

Pictures thanks to Lisa W’sS Soap Heaven

{January 4, 2010}   Into the crystal ball I peer….

As a new year offically dawns in soaps I’m going to take a gander into my trusty rusty crystal ball and make some predictions for 2010. Some based on spoiler/rumors….some based on nothing more than “hey Guza is still writing this!”

1.  Franco will make a “dramatic” exit causing Jason to dither around about his “chosen” profession until a new threat rears up and Jason/Sonny must unite to save us all. 

This prediction is probably pretty solid as well it’s a self-admitted Guza penned storyline that features Jason.  Quick name the last crisis that didn’t result in Jason dithering around moaning and groaning about what he has done with his life, is it right and should he leave the business forever?  The Port Charles Hotel fire maybe?  Jason has been in this dither mode since approximately 2005 when he had the brain clusters.   And then the next sweeps stunt/ super evil villian arrives and we start the whole process over again.   He’s still not out of the business and my money is on he won’t ever leave…until Steve Burton leaves the show for good.  Which brings us to number 2 on the list……

2.  SID will fall all over themselves with Steve Burton Contract Watch 2010.

You thought he was on every cover in 2009? Oh you poor naive soul.  That will be nothing compared to this year.  Beer strength us now.

3.  By the end of the year, Lucky, Liz and Nik will all be ok with each other again.

One of the many, many, many, many reasons I can not sign off on the Unholy Triangle of Hell is the fact that ultimately I have no confidence this will change anything at all.  Nada. Zip. Zilch. Sure Lucky will be mad….sure he’s swear them out of his life…..he’ll most likely have a relapse that we’ll witness Luke pay attention to this time and deem Lucky important enough to help (oops there’s another prediction)… but in the end?  Do I really think that Lucky will never have anything to do with Nik or Liz again?  Ha!  Do I not realize that Guza’s discussion of Laura returning would be done in a sweeps period specifically just to reunite her boys and nothing more?  Totally do.  Do I see Lucky/Liz never ever being together again?  Dudes I knew during the Jiz/Lusam mess that there would be an eventual partner switch.  Please.  I do know Guza shorthand.  The couples that he features on NYE do tend to be the ones that he focuses on in the next year.  These actions SHOULD change anything. As it is, I am beginnign to think it was written as nothing more for a gateway to prediction number 4.

4.  Ten years of issues and deadbeat actions on the half of Luke will be shorthanded away as part of the aftermath of Lucky’s discovery of Niz. 

It’s already started so this is probably pretty safe.   It appears that everything the fans used to argue back to the show and Tony Geary during the Ethan introduction storyline is being used now in the guise of the Niz storyline to shut us the hell up.  We said Luke was nowhere around and showed no concern about Lucky’s marriage falling apart?  Well he’s around now…although not saying anything at all to him but still I think we are supposd to find him concerned.  He did nothing when Lucky was on drugs or helped with his recovery? Wanna bet me that if/when Lucky has a relapse it will be Luke who rushes in to help his Cowboy get through this and kick the habit?  We howled about Luke belittling Lucky’s profession every chance he had?  Well two conversations with the now sage-like Lucky and he’s not said boo about it in a month.  A new record!  We complained about Luke putting Lulu and Ethan before Lucky all the time? Well I bet he ignores them now.  And I will also bet there will be not one conversation or realization from Luke about how the reason why he missed out on so much of his son’s life….is his own damn fault.  Nope.  Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

5.  We’ll see very little of Mac/Alexis.

Their potential awesomeness is clearly too  much for this show to handle.  As much hope and love as I have for them….Bob Guza allow the PCPD commissioner and the former DA be together, fighting crime, dealing with children awesomely and being a happy sexual couple over the age of 40?  I may be delusionally optmistic but I am not stupid by any means.

6.  Scrubs/Lisa will be as interesting as watching paint dry.

I’m not hating on Scrubs, who I actually like. So dont’ go sicing the fanbase on me.  However we’ve seen this storyline….a zillion and seven times.  And so far Lisa is not that interesting of a character to be a hell on wheels bitch the audience loves to hate like Helena, Faith or Y&R’s Shelia or OLTL’s Dorian.  She’s just kind of there and so far nothing Guza has told us would justify why the clearly obvious “ex-girlfriend who can’t let go of happily married former flame” storyline to happen.   There doesn’t seem to be an unknown love child waiting in the wings.  So that’s out.  As far as we know he’s not given her some STD she can’t cure.  She seems to have done well for herself career wise.  And while trusting Guza’s word is always a recipe for disaster (Remember when he told us all that Jasam/LL2 were the root for couples in the Quad from Hell? What a laugh that was!) as of this writing he’s admitted he has no plans to break up Scrubs.  So why exactly are we doing this?

7.  Lulu/Dante will immediately begin to suck once the whole paternity secret happens.

One of the greatest things about the Lulu/Dante hook up was the whole fact that he was a cop and she and Luke would have to eat their “cops are scum” attitude.  But once Sonny and Luke get all involved in this….well ham city is all I’m saying. Overacting ham city.  Hide your barware!

8.  Dante will not take down Sonny and will destroy his career to protect his newfound family.

Again…unless I hear that Maurice Bernard is leaving the show this year…Sonny aint’ leaving the mob.  Therefore Dante will not take down Sonny.  In fact I bet since Guza has now made Ronnie a dirty cop….evil Ronnie only came up with this plan to get the evil dangerous Franco close to pure hearted Jason and Sonny. Ronnie is the wrong! Dante can’t support such a wrong headed operation.  It will be Hannah and Reese all over again..minus the sleeping with Sonny part.

et cetera