Sarcastic Clapping

{January 4, 2010}   Into the crystal ball I peer….

As a new year offically dawns in soaps I’m going to take a gander into my trusty rusty crystal ball and make some predictions for 2010. Some based on spoiler/rumors….some based on nothing more than “hey Guza is still writing this!”

1.  Franco will make a “dramatic” exit causing Jason to dither around about his “chosen” profession until a new threat rears up and Jason/Sonny must unite to save us all. 

This prediction is probably pretty solid as well it’s a self-admitted Guza penned storyline that features Jason.  Quick name the last crisis that didn’t result in Jason dithering around moaning and groaning about what he has done with his life, is it right and should he leave the business forever?  The Port Charles Hotel fire maybe?  Jason has been in this dither mode since approximately 2005 when he had the brain clusters.   And then the next sweeps stunt/ super evil villian arrives and we start the whole process over again.   He’s still not out of the business and my money is on he won’t ever leave…until Steve Burton leaves the show for good.  Which brings us to number 2 on the list……

2.  SID will fall all over themselves with Steve Burton Contract Watch 2010.

You thought he was on every cover in 2009? Oh you poor naive soul.  That will be nothing compared to this year.  Beer strength us now.

3.  By the end of the year, Lucky, Liz and Nik will all be ok with each other again.

One of the many, many, many, many reasons I can not sign off on the Unholy Triangle of Hell is the fact that ultimately I have no confidence this will change anything at all.  Nada. Zip. Zilch. Sure Lucky will be mad….sure he’s swear them out of his life…..he’ll most likely have a relapse that we’ll witness Luke pay attention to this time and deem Lucky important enough to help (oops there’s another prediction)… but in the end?  Do I really think that Lucky will never have anything to do with Nik or Liz again?  Ha!  Do I not realize that Guza’s discussion of Laura returning would be done in a sweeps period specifically just to reunite her boys and nothing more?  Totally do.  Do I see Lucky/Liz never ever being together again?  Dudes I knew during the Jiz/Lusam mess that there would be an eventual partner switch.  Please.  I do know Guza shorthand.  The couples that he features on NYE do tend to be the ones that he focuses on in the next year.  These actions SHOULD change anything. As it is, I am beginnign to think it was written as nothing more for a gateway to prediction number 4.

4.  Ten years of issues and deadbeat actions on the half of Luke will be shorthanded away as part of the aftermath of Lucky’s discovery of Niz. 

It’s already started so this is probably pretty safe.   It appears that everything the fans used to argue back to the show and Tony Geary during the Ethan introduction storyline is being used now in the guise of the Niz storyline to shut us the hell up.  We said Luke was nowhere around and showed no concern about Lucky’s marriage falling apart?  Well he’s around now…although not saying anything at all to him but still I think we are supposd to find him concerned.  He did nothing when Lucky was on drugs or helped with his recovery? Wanna bet me that if/when Lucky has a relapse it will be Luke who rushes in to help his Cowboy get through this and kick the habit?  We howled about Luke belittling Lucky’s profession every chance he had?  Well two conversations with the now sage-like Lucky and he’s not said boo about it in a month.  A new record!  We complained about Luke putting Lulu and Ethan before Lucky all the time? Well I bet he ignores them now.  And I will also bet there will be not one conversation or realization from Luke about how the reason why he missed out on so much of his son’s life….is his own damn fault.  Nope.  Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

5.  We’ll see very little of Mac/Alexis.

Their potential awesomeness is clearly too  much for this show to handle.  As much hope and love as I have for them….Bob Guza allow the PCPD commissioner and the former DA be together, fighting crime, dealing with children awesomely and being a happy sexual couple over the age of 40?  I may be delusionally optmistic but I am not stupid by any means.

6.  Scrubs/Lisa will be as interesting as watching paint dry.

I’m not hating on Scrubs, who I actually like. So dont’ go sicing the fanbase on me.  However we’ve seen this storyline….a zillion and seven times.  And so far Lisa is not that interesting of a character to be a hell on wheels bitch the audience loves to hate like Helena, Faith or Y&R’s Shelia or OLTL’s Dorian.  She’s just kind of there and so far nothing Guza has told us would justify why the clearly obvious “ex-girlfriend who can’t let go of happily married former flame” storyline to happen.   There doesn’t seem to be an unknown love child waiting in the wings.  So that’s out.  As far as we know he’s not given her some STD she can’t cure.  She seems to have done well for herself career wise.  And while trusting Guza’s word is always a recipe for disaster (Remember when he told us all that Jasam/LL2 were the root for couples in the Quad from Hell? What a laugh that was!) as of this writing he’s admitted he has no plans to break up Scrubs.  So why exactly are we doing this?

7.  Lulu/Dante will immediately begin to suck once the whole paternity secret happens.

One of the greatest things about the Lulu/Dante hook up was the whole fact that he was a cop and she and Luke would have to eat their “cops are scum” attitude.  But once Sonny and Luke get all involved in this….well ham city is all I’m saying. Overacting ham city.  Hide your barware!

8.  Dante will not take down Sonny and will destroy his career to protect his newfound family.

Again…unless I hear that Maurice Bernard is leaving the show this year…Sonny aint’ leaving the mob.  Therefore Dante will not take down Sonny.  In fact I bet since Guza has now made Ronnie a dirty cop….evil Ronnie only came up with this plan to get the evil dangerous Franco close to pure hearted Jason and Sonny. Ronnie is the wrong! Dante can’t support such a wrong headed operation.  It will be Hannah and Reese all over again..minus the sleeping with Sonny part.

Leigh says:

You know, yesterday I read what I thought was the most Captain Obvious prediction for 2010, and that was that Tiger Woods would get a divorce. Your predictions make that look like a lightning strike as far as odds go. Congrats. You know Guza too well. And so do I. And that’s why we’re miserable. Maybe we should get each other lobotomies for our birthdays, and then this will all seem like a wonderful surprise, and not just the inevitable suck that we now know it as.

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