Sarcastic Clapping

{February 26, 2010}   It’s that time again….

It’s here!  The time we all wait with baited breath for.  Our Annual Bitchery of the Year contest!

Otherwise known as the Daytime Emmys.

Yes the awards will most likely be aired on local PBS stations during December…..but lets focus folks. The pre-noms came out today.  And wow….look at GH spread the wealth among ALL the storylines and actors of the cast.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

SARAH BROWN, as Claudia Zacchara Corinthos
LAURA WRIGHT, as Carly Jacks

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
MAURICE BENARD, as Sonny Corinthos
ANTHONY GEARY, as Luke Spencer

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
CAROLYN HENNESY, as Diane Miller
REBECCA HERBST, as Elizabeth Webber

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

BRADFORD ANDERSON, as Damien Spinelli
JONATHAN JACKSON, as Lucky Spencer

Outstanding Younger Actress In A Drama Series

JULIE BERMAN, as Lulu Spencer
KIRSTEN STORMS, as Maxie Jones

Outstanding Younger Actor In A Drama Series
DREW GARRETT, as Michael Corinthos, Jr.
NATHAN PARSONS, as Ethan Lovett

I swear I called this exact prenom list about four months ago. 

Lets break it down by category shall we?  One of the big problems with this process is that the award is given to one episode.  Pick a good episode….and you’re golden.  So even though Maurice Bernard drives me insane 99.999999% of the time with his mumbling and duh facing…..we all know if he submits the episode surrounding Michael waking up he’ll end up on the nominee list.  Now Tony Geary….how to put this.  His main story this year…was the universally hated ret-con that introduced Ethan.  And while I find Tony to be a fine actor is quieter moments……he chewed so much scenery in that storyline he left spit on the camera lens.  Not’s that it’s stopped him before…..and not that we don’t all know that sometime names get you a nod that you otherwise wouldnt’ get (more on that later)…..oh dear God I do not want to hear him ramble about how right he was about this storyline being awesome and how wrong we all were for hating it.  (what? like you didn’t have the same thought?)

Lead actress I have no issues with at all.  I hate Carly but Laura Wright killed it during the early part of Michael’s waking up.  And while no one but no one could have made Claudia work (since you know the writers couldnt’ decide one second to the next who she was) Sarah Brown fully committed to it. 

Supporting actress…..really I think Kimberly McCullough deserves it more.  Nothing against Becky or Carolyn.  Both are fine actresses. But really?  Can you name a standout scene for Becky from 2009?  Her character was completely decimated for no reason other than Guza thought it would be fun.  Becky fought the good fight but how on Earth can you make Liz’s insane declaration about Nik awakening her sexually work? On any level?  And Carolyn…lets just say it. She’s playing a recurring character.  Recurring.    What show continually tries to nominate a recurring character?  

Supporting actor…..oh where to start.  Alright the lesser of the two evils.  Bradford.  He’s a talented comedic actor.  And the Spixie non-wedding was a heck of a lot of fun. But Spinelli in large doses is almost the most annoying pressence on television.   The twitches. The nicknames.  The horrific fashion choices.  The never ending discussion of “essential person.”  As for Jonathan Jackson….while this blog well demonstrates I beleive he is a talented actor…..come on this is straight up political choice.  This is a “thank you for returning” nod.  What did he do between October and New Years Eve taht was soooo extraordinary?  Show up?  Breathe?  Made Tony Geary wake up and realize he had to act?  (Ok that is a superhuman act I admit).  But his “storyline” didn’t start until 2010.  Lets be real.  Oh I know he’ll be on the final nomination ballot.  Lets not kid ourselves about that at all.  But lets not act like he came back and reinvented the wheel here.  Starting the disturbing BFF-ship with Jason does not deserve recognition. 

Younger actress…..Kristen and Julie will be nominated until they can be nominated in the supporting category.  Lexi Ainsworth had a strong start but I feel they are going to wait till the end of this abuse storyline before pre-nomming her. 

Younger actor…Drew Garret is no surprise and probably is the front runner.  Great great actor.  Nathan Parsons?  Are we sure the category wasn’t “Oustanding Mumbler”?  I can see why they would be confused with Mo being nominated and all.  Seriously….GH…you want people to remember and honor that horrific crap fest of a story?  When all he would show is “smug” and “smuggier”? 

Ahhhh….now to wait for April…so we can bitch and moan about the actual nomminees! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

No this is not a rant about the inexplicable BFF-ship of Lucky and Jason. Although that will be coming. 

As you probably now saw….hell froze over and GH finally changed it’s opening credits.   Yes the daily reminder of characters and actors cruelly cast aside through the writers’ bloodlust is no more.  As is the way awesome drinking game of “Drink everytime you spot a dead/departed character/actor!”  Cause for real, sometimes being drunk before the first commerical break on a Mob Monday is the only way to go.

First I’d like to congratulate ABC on releasing these on You Tube a day early so all us bloggers/board posters can Zappruder these 60 seconds as if our lives depended on it.  Thanks for understanding our priorities! 

Now to grade this sucker!

I’ve been long asking for GH to hire some of it’s 14 year old fanart making fans to do their photoshop for them.  I see they took this advice to mean hire 14 year old You Tube video makers to create its credits.  I think I saw some of those effects advertised in Sony Vega! 

For a show that is so damn determined to be most depressing, blood-filled soap on the air….didn’t the cast pictures seem a little…sunny?  Well that and Sonny.  But really who didn’t figure he’d be first?  I mean Jason almost cracked a smile! SAINTED HITMEN DON’T SMILE!!!!!  They shoot you if you even tell them to say cheese while taking their pictures!! 

I did like the use of the actors actual names….however I still argue that if GH used it’s cast better we wouldn’t have to be reminded who half of these people are all the time.  Who else went “Matt?  Matt? OH! Matt! He’s still on this show?” when Jason Cook showed up?  (Seriously what the hell did he or Greg Vaughan ever do to these show runners that deem they never get/got used?  Kill their dogs?  Eat their children?  Be just too pretty and awesome to be real? I want to know!)

Allegedly the redone credits were so it would be easier to add in/delete cast members.  So we should in theory have no more situations where they fire one actor and leave him in the opening credits the day that his much over-hyped replacement starts airing. (Yup…still bitter!) However these credits have been finished since October per the actors.  Three cast members have been added since then.  Did you see Kiefer, Lisa or Steven Lars?  Ok the first two we could do without but the awesomeness of Steven Lars?  That is like a day without sunshine mister! It’s the end of February…these credits have been finished a little over three months and they haven’t been able to add in THREE cast members. This….could be a sad sad scary omen of things to come. 

The placement of the characters didn’t suprise me.  I figured La Familia Corrinthos would be right up front.  I knew Tony Geary would be smirking at me at the end…probably just to spite me!  It was actually pretty close to placement of the old opening really. 

But the background images.  Lets just be honest. 99% of that was background footage from the first horrific season of Night Shift.  I recognized the Sason sex SUV from the first episode.  CGI Wyndemere is quite frankly the funniest thing to ever be shown on this show outside of the Mile High Bridge of Terror and Jason and the boat.  I coudn’t even really tell you what the order of the cast was at that point because I was way too busy calling on the power of Greyskull. 

And as many have said….Faces of the Heart is the way better theme song. Period. No discussion necessary!

So attempt….B+    Execution?  D-.

I want to give credit where credit is due…and when such an unexpectedly awesome, hillarious, snarky and truthful line occurs I think it must be recognized.

So amid the madness of the insanity of “Jason would have attempted to kill Dante in a way more honorable manner” and the absurdity of “Jason lecturing Dante on showing your biological relatives respect”….the line of the day must go to Elizabeth Imogene Webber.

Yes that Elizabeth.

Yes I find the breakdown storyline horrifically underwritten and more than a little insulting.  But if it lead to a moment like this…well I’ll give her a slight break

Liz: So you think staking a claim to this baby is kind of like staking a claim to me?
Nikolas: No, no of course not.
Liz: Are you sure? Because you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?

All that was missing from that was a loud “YA BURNT!” from a random orderly walking around Shadybrooke!

Well played Elizabeth! Well played!

{February 16, 2010}   Three years too late….

Seriously…it’s the continuation of your Valentine’s episode and what do you include?

The start of the world’s most obvious Who’s The Daddy storyline ever?  and what’s with this we can’t test till May crap.  It was ten weeks when it concerned Jason.  Elizabeth is past ten weeks now if you are claiming she’s three months along solely to make it a WTD.  We do pay attention to these things Guza!

And if…..IF…the show hadn’t had been such a complete bastard to Greg…then maybe I would have become my total and complete fangirl squeeing self today…..and if the storyline was SO stuck on complete stupid…..then maybe….just maybe my heart would have done something than my twinge.  But I will not forget so easily!  I do hold a grudge….granted make this baby a Spencer and the gruge will ease…but still it’s there.

And ok…Steven clearly recognizing Nik’s utter uselessness and keeping him back was made of win

And way to look concern there Nik.  I so beleive in your “undying love and affection” and such. Or is that indigestion?  Hard to distinguish those two you know…

But lets be real….the best part of today’s episode for me?

Mac/Alexis making out!

Ok yes they need to be seen more and we need to actually see them date….but hey I do enjoy the fact even SAM recognizes that Mac is a good guy who will treat Alexis right…..and lets face it…name the last time two over 40 good people got involved on this show period?  I know I’m drawing a blank.  And believe me if I had a cap of the make out it would be up here…but alas…all I found was the reveal.  So sad.

This slightly made up for having to celebrate yet another National Singles Awareness Day.  Just slightly.

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

You know I actually do like the Cassadines.  Loved Stefan.  I worship Helena as the goddess she is and I love how she won’t hesitate to cut a bitch.  A good Helena put down is worth it’s weight in gold. Remember when she told Courtney she wouldn’t trust her with the care and feeding of a hamster much less the Cassadine hier? Good times.  Alexis is all things awesome and fabulous.  Mikkos tried to freeze the entire freaking world which is pretty much the definition of bad ass in my book.  And Spencer Cassadine is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one can. 

And then there is Nikolas.  The sanctimonous pissy whiney baby of the bunch.

Oh. My. Freaking. God. You all was he seriously being all whiney about people judging him for his nasty disgusting crime against nature with Elizabeth?  Hello! People who don’t want to be judged maybe should’t exclusively chase engaged/married women!  Call us crazy but people tend to judge a man-whore like that!  And not to mention but who the hell is judging him?  Lucky yelled at him, which he deserved.  Lulu mildly chided him and blamed it all on Liz. Luke never really liked him in the first place and neither did Ethan.  That’s it.  People have not been staring at him at GH.  People have not been debating if he’s  a good father and should Lucky make a move to get custody of Spencer. (Answer…yes. yes he should. then the child would be seen!)  WHO IS JUDGING HIM?????  I’ve seen harsher judgments during the audition rounds on American Idol!

And if apparently there are just random bands of townsfolks just hopping the launch out to Wyndemere to yell the equivilant of slut at him….Number one where do I sign up to join and number two WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T WE SEEN SUCH GLORIOUSNESS?  I think we would all love to see that right?

And for all the talk today and for the past six months about how Cassadine he’s being, I’m sorry. I register an objection for the real Cassadines.  Nik is acting like a Cassdine. Ok Mikkos apparenlty couldnt’ keep it in his pants either but come on!  He’s mooning over Elizabeth (who hates him) and does….nothing?  Stefan made plans and constatnly tried to one up Luke.  Nik is….just waiting for Lucky to stop being mad?  Waiting for Liz to go on vacation? I don’t get it.  In order to get back at Luke for killing her husband and to get the Ice Princess, Helena faked Lucky’s death and brainwashed him to kill Luke.  Nik finds out about a con Rebecca failed to do…failed…and his grand revenge scheme is date her and then dump her.  That was it!  His grandfather tries to freeze the world. His grandmother kidnapped not only his brother but his mother too.  His uncle managed to hide the fact Leslie was alive for years just too keep Laura near him and all this punk ass can come up with is date and dump her?  And everyone thinks he’s going Cassadine?    Stavros is going to become an unfrozen again just to kick his ass for such lameness.

Plus there is the fact he always looks bored.  Pop quiz…the following expression…..

is appropriate to wear when…..

A- deciding what to eat for lunch

B – choosing what clothes to wear

C- picking out which servant gets to raise Spencer this week or

D- telling one of the people who hate you the most about the current love of your month’s traumatic rape at 15 to explain why she hates Valentine’s Day while she is not there and hasn’t given you one lick of permsission to do it.

Clearly the answer is D. I mean…its soooo obvious!

What in the name of all that is holy and pure was that?  Was I supposed to be impressed that he explained Elizabeth’s bizarre breakdown to Ethan? Thankful he took time out of his busy day of doing nothing to explain it?  Did I miss the episode where Elizabeth told Nik it was completely fine with her for him to tell whoever the hell he wanted about her traumatic experience?  You know the one that she went through?  And took her forever to talk about with anyone that wasn’t Lucky?  That one?  Is this what happens when you free some sexually? You get a free pass to just blab your alleged loved one’s private life all over town?  If Elizabeth had wanted Ethan to know that…she would have told him when she was with him. 

And if you are going to do something so completely over the line…could you at least have the decency look, oh I don’t know…..torn, upset…anything about it?  Any emotion. Just pick one.

How did a character that has the awesome backstory of the Cassadines…Laura freakign Spencer’s son…..turn out to be such a lame, whiney douchebag crybaby with a serious boundary issue?

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{February 9, 2010}   This again?

Dear Tony Geary

Yes I know. I’m shocked I’m talking to you too!  After reading your interviews where you cheered the complete destruction of Luke and Laura’s history just so you can work with an actor that mumbles all the time (what?  Working with Maurice Bernard wasnt’ enough for you?) and how the fans who were howling in protest were just pigeon-holing you…the greatest actor to ever act…in a time that you found hell on Earth…I thought I would never want to have anything to do with you again.  And then when you spent about 99% of your time during Lucky-gate working in back-handed slams to Greg Vaughan I knew I would never like you again. (I hold grudges. Sue me) 

But brother we have GOT to talk. 

See apparently the show wants us to all beleive the last ten years never happened to Lucky. Well except for that pesky Jiz stuff apparently that is ok for us to remember.  And it’s annoying. ESPECIALLY since this show seems to want us to beleive the only issue that is between Luke and Lucky is still the freaking rape of Laura. 

Look I completely acknowledge this was a major major turning point in Luke and Lucky’s relationship. A game changer as it were.  And it deserved every bit of attention it got. Ten years ago.

Did you catch that? It happened ten years ago.  And by the time Jonathan Jackson left the last time…not only had this subject been worn to the ground but it had been somewhat resolved.  Lucky didn’t hero-worship Luke any more true but they had reached an understanding.  While the rape would always be there it was no longer the main issue between them.   There was this little scene that happened on one of Jonathan’s last days called the “you’re still my hero” scene in Kelly’s. You might want to look that up.

In the time between then and now….many many things happened between Luke and Lucky to cause estrangement. There was Luke’s abandoning his children when Laura became ill. There was shoving the raising of Lulu off on Lucky. There’s the outright contempt he showed Lucky when Lucky did what he felt was right and became a cop.  Let us not forget the ignoring of Lucky’s drug problem and his marriage imploding. Or the parading around town of Ethan as the greatest thing as sliced bread.  All of this is great fodder for Luke and Lucky to play with and wrestle with if this show really wants to rebuild the Lucky/Luke relationship. 

But all you seem to harp on is things that happened over a decade ago and were well covered by that point.  And even more maddening you refuse to acknowledge that is exactly what the two of you are talking about!

I get it. I understand you are tired of playing the rape card. Tired of going to that same well every time. I can respect that. Honest!  But you and GH can not have it both ways. You can’t sit there and act like this is the major issue between them and then not name what it is you are obliquely referring to!  If you want to pretend this is the only major reason Lucky has to distrust his father….and clearly you all do…then you have to name it.  Seriously!

There is tons of fodder for Lucky and Luke to get through. Tons of meaty storylines to play. Watching Luke pour drinks while he listens to Lucky declare that Luke was always right is not a good story. It’s boring. It’s lazy. And it’s completely insulting to those of us who watched Luke act like if Lucky was on fire he wouldn’t spit on him.  (Although clearly that was you deciding you were too good to be bothered with actors you considered beneath you) 

You all want to rebuild Luke and lucky’s relationship? Go for it. Be my guest. But pick a less familar path.  And why not have Luke realize that he was 1000% wrong about Lucky.  And Luke was the asshole…not Lucky.  Might do a world of good for you.

You know at one time….there was a phrase that if I never ever head it uttered on GH I would be incerdibly happy.  And not because I don’t understand and beleive whole-heartedly in the concept of it.  But because of the way it was preverted to justify Michael being stolen from AJ and the Qs and the idea that raising a child in the mob was totes better than raising them in a dysfunction yet hysterical wealthy family.  I think you know the one I am referring to. Sonny, Jason and Carly used to stop the show almost daily to impart this knowledge on us whenever someone might accidentally wonder if the Qs might want to see Michael or had a right to talk to Jason.

“Family is who you choose, not who you are bound to by DNA”

It was almost a daily frigging mantra for these three.  It got to the point that the most laughable part of the Carly/Lulu bond was the very idea that Carly would even be loosely considered a Spencer since she never ever claimed them or used the name. 

And then Jake happened.  And suddenly Jason’s biological tie to the child became the be all end all consideration to the entire town who knew the secret.  So everyone but Edward, Monica, Tracey and Alexis.  Now I know the argument is that Jason just now understood the importance of biological ties when he missed his own father dying to avenge Sonny against Jerry Jax/ Mr. Craig.  And he was all aghast that Elizabeth asked him to step away from the baby when he struggled so hard with seperating from Michael when he gave him up after kidnapping him.

Right Mac?  Arguging that when he kidnapped a child was just insane.  But then everyone else started weighing in on how Jason would never be happy with giving up Jake….that Jake would never be happy without knowing Jason’s maginificance….dayplayers stopped in the street to talk about how since children didn’t run screamign from him at sight that meant clearly he was the most wonderful father on Earth.  All because he donated sperm.  And didn’t change his life for said child or ever offer to. 

But then that insanity kind of died when Jiz broke up and Jason moved back to Sam and seemed to completely forget Jake existed.  And we all breathed a heavy sigh of relief.   

Too soon.  I spoke way too soon.

First we had the contract dictated insert Jason into this storyline he really doesn’t need to be in scenes where because Elizabeth showed extreme bad judgement and a possible undiagnosised mental illness by sleeping with Nik (hmmmm finding Nik attractive is only possible if you are mentally ill.  I’m down with it!) meant that it was the perfect time for Jason to come running in, grabbing a toddler who has no fecking clue who he is, separating said toddler from not only his mother, the only father he’s ever known, his brother, his great grandmother and his uncle, and this was all considered something to be considered! 

Sometimes the Duh Face is the only answer.

And now we have come to the over-arching action of the last three days on this show. The “penultimate” , “cosmic guffaw” of a reveal that Dante is not only an undercover cop but also Sonny’s son.  (Just me who thinks Guza just opened up a dictonary to random pages, didn’t bother to actually read the definitions and just thinks these words go together?)  First Sonny was flabbergasted that Olivia would keep something like his son from him!  What had he ever done to deserve that he wondered. You know besides being an unrepentant thug who wanted to be a criminal and who was dating her cousin?  Details I know.  Then Sonny oh so helpfully pointed out that if he had known Dante was his son, he woudln’t have shot him.  But the fact that he was an undercover cop was still apparenlty a good reason.  He insisted on telling the EMTs, the staff at General Hosptial, God who I would think has better things to do than listen to a “devotedly Catholic” except for that whole murder thing person like Sonny, basically anyone who would listen that Dante was his son and by god he was going to make sure his son was going to make it through surgery.  To ensure this he called in his own surgical on-call team of Robin and Patrick (sersiouly Patrick. I liked you so much better when you hated Sonny and wanted nothing to do with him!  I want that Patrick back!) and then threatening the most awesome of awesome….Dr. Steven Lars Webber!!!! 

You don’t step to Steven! 

And then came the most……I don’t think increidble is quite the word I’m looking for so I’ll settle for “cosmic guffaw”  moment, that while he was being arrested, in front of MyKill and St. Jaysus, both of whom have caused Sonny to pontificate ad nauseum about how family is who you choose……Sonny busts out that he will not leave the hospital to be arrested…and when the PCPD dares to continue…hillariously yells out that someone tell his son that he loves him. 

He loves his son…that he just shot…because he was an undercover cop.  My heart grows.

You know lets ask Steven what he thinks of all this.

Word Steven! Word!

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

et cetera