Sarcastic Clapping

{April 30, 2010}   Clueless conscienceless morons!

Tell me I was dreaming. Tell me I did not just witness a nationally televised show air an hour that included the lesson that cops are trained to lie, and therefore are devil betrayers that must be killed.

Unfortunately I watch GH so instead of dreaming I was actually living a nightmare.

What in the holy hell did I just watch?

Jason told Kristina and Molly that cops were trained to lie and they bought that crap? They immediately decided that Dante was evil and out to hurt poor innocent Michael?  Carly….Carly of all people screamed at Lulu about betraying her family for a guy she likes?  Sonny, Jason and Carly’s immediate decision upon hearing Dante’s truthful testimony is A – Michael must get out of the country and B – let’s put Carly back on the stand to commit more perjury because she’s so freaking awesome at it?  Lucky actually had to explain to Micahel this whole hiding out thing works better if you stay inside, especially when you are a giant?  (Ok that part was funny but still!) 

And Jason, Sonny and Carly are the heroes of this show? 

God they sunk my battleship!

I have been trying to work out for the past week how Dante telling the truth is on the same level as Jerry Jax/Mr. Craig.  Or why anyone would think that continuing to lie about Michael’s involvement constituted protecting him.  Did they not realize they rattled off about four different defense strategies that would have worked in the five minutes they spent babbling at the judge after Dante spoke?

Michael is a troubled young man.

Michael was in a coma caused by Claudia for a year and has documented brain damage regarding impulse control.

Michael walked in and saw what he thought was his mother and sister being attacked.

For all the talk this show does about Diane being a brilliant legal mind….she couldn’t have argued any one of these instead of risking de-barment for knowningly putting Carly on the stand to lie?  She couldn’t have been successful in getting Michael tried in juvenile court and getting off with therapy and a suspended sentence until he turned 18? 

These dumbasses cause this mess by covering up mitigating circumstances in the first place and then hiding Michael on the freaking island and they think it’s Dante’s fault that Michael might face charges?  Michael being out of the country would have rendered Dante’s testimony null and void?  (Ok it’s the GH legal system. That probably would have happened.) 

Carly….Carly who has never ever used the Spencer name, is about as loyal to Lulu as Noah “Puck” Puckerman is to any girl who won’t give it up, who has put Sonny and Jason before her mother, her current husband and her children’s well being is pissed off that Lulu stuck by her boyfriend?  Carly freaking stuck by Sonny when he shot Lulu’s boyfriend in the chest.  Dante and Lulu are responsible for ruining Michael’s life and not the idiots who put him in this exact situation in the first place? 

And we’re supposed to continue to cheer for these idiots? These are our heroes?   It’s the blind leading the moronic to preach to the idiotic! 

Let me just set these dumbasses straight.  The reason Michael’s life is ruined is because Carly and Jason decided years ago that raising that baby in the mob was a better option than having him raised by the Quatermaines.  A further reason is Sonny had AJ hung on a meathook because AJ was an alcoholic and that brain trust decided that was worse than being raised by a mob boss.  All the times Michael screwed up from the time he was a terrifying mini-Chucky doll till he swung an axe, these numbnuts covered it up, excused it and brushed it off as nothing.  He shot Kate in the chest and they wrote it off as boys will be boys.  The idea of him getting therapy, admitting what he did in court or even apologizing to Kate was seen as a punishment worse than death.  They worried and fretted about Michael wanting to join the family business but used that same business to bribe him into staying with them after he awoke from his coma, used it to get him out of trouble through intimidation and used it to bend the law and get him a temporary driver’s liscene. 

You know…all these things these feckers figured out when he axed Claudia in the first place! 

And now we are so going to sit through months where they whine and moan and try to blame Dante and Lulu and probably Claire for the predicament Michael is in. They will cry and moan about where did they go wrong as parents.  And you know what will happen?  People will line up to tell them they did everything right. They couldn’t have predicted the evilness of Dante.  Everything they did was to protect Michael and mold him into the greatest young man to ever exist.  Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?  Sorry!  But you know it’s true. 

Clueless morons!

{April 28, 2010}   So worth the wait!

Finally someone said it! Finally someone in this town has called Carly Corrinthos out on her parenting skills!  After years of seeing person after person in this town tell Carly that she is the best mother ever and how awesome she is as a mother someone finally spoke the plain truth.  She so totally sucks at this job. Yes I think she loves Michael and Morgan….but lets face it. Both those kids are screwed because of her. 

And our unlikely hero? Claire of all people. Yes Claire of the bizarre diction.  Claire who’s going to loose the case because Diane’s legal argument of “Claudia was a big meanie” is working!  Claire who spent half the trial trying to prove who shot Dante, not who whacked Claudia. That Claire was a-maz-ing today.

Claire: What I’ve done? What about what you’ve done?  Do you ever look in the mirror?  What kind of loving mother supports the bastard who got her son shot in the head?

The exact damn thing I’ve been wondering for months! And she didnt’ stop there.  Oh no, our fearless Claire was just getting started. 

Carly: You don’t know anythign about me or my kids (Ed- the hell she doesn’t. I think she has you pegged woman) You’re a self-serving bitch trying to use my kids to advance your career. That makes you pathetic Claire. Not to mention heartless.  (ED- Takes one to know one there)

Claire:  That’s just rich. Married to a mobster and you stay with him even though you know you are putting your kids in the middle of all this violence?  Sonny is a criminal and your kids are safer witout him around.  You should be thanking me.

Carly: When hell freezes over.

Claire:  You claim to be this protective and loving mother?  Well you put Sonny’s welfare above your kids any chance you get.  So what is it? What?  You got so lost and caught up in being his savior that you didn’t bother to consider the danger he poses to your kids?

Day-um. I am not used to that level of truthiness being leveled at one time.  Especially not by another woman and even more especially not to Carly.  It was electifying.  It was magnificent and she still wasnt’ done.  Clearly Carly didn’t have any frame of referrence for such a brilliant attack so she was left with this comeback after noticing the picture of a baby Claire had on her computer.  She said Claire didn’t have what it took to be a mother with a look on her face that I can only describe as “Smuggy Mc Smuggerson.”

But our girl Claire…she was not swayed by such a lowball obvious tactic.  She hit right back.

Claire:  If you we’re protecting you’re kids, you’d help me convict Sonny. I’ve done more to protect your kids than you ever have


Sometimes words…truly aren’t necessary.


{April 23, 2010}   And back to reality

Well that was short lived. Even by GH standards. 

I had one near historic day of finding three positive things that I could not bitch about in one episode, something that hasn’t happened since a certain fairytail wedding in 2005 mnd you. (Although I’m sure GH thinks we are all now convinced we hallucinated that) And then today happened.  It’s like the GH gods knew I might turn the corner to like some things and went oh no you don’t.  Because today’s show made me beleive Guza is out to kill me via rage-induced airway constriction.  Or he really wants me to have upgrade my TV and is therefore committed to causing me to break mine via thrown chair.  It’s one or other.

You know I understand…well not really but I try to sometimes follow the Bob logic…that Jason, even though he is an unrepentant hitman who makes his living killing people and placing everything and everyone he allegedly loves, is the hero of the show.  And therefore his actions are generally justifiable and well since this is Guza, completely right and moral.   St. Jaysus of the Holy Silencer is never wrong.  Except……..

Today while he broke into Dante’s apartment (Dante’s a cop by the way) to look for Michael (cause Dante follows the Sonny moron code of hiding someone in the most obvious place in the world?) he heard a noise and drew his gun.  Now assuming he thought it was Dante coming home….he was drawing his gun on a cop.  As it was, he drew his gun on a…wait for it cause it is so genius….FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.  Yes Claire is clearly going to lose this case beacuse of course no one wins against Diane’s brilliant legal reasoning of “the prosecutor is a meanie and the victim was an even bigger meanie and they are all jealous of how awesome my client is”  but still she is still a sworn upholder of the law.  And she did nothing to Jason.  Claire even figured out Jason was probably going to kill Dante, granted not hard since that is like 95% of Jason’s dialogue these days but she did nothing. Didn’t even threaten him with arrest.  You know I can suspend disbelief with the best of them…but it’s hard as hell to think Claire is going to put Sonny in jail when she can’t even take a golden opportunity to arrest and prosecute Jason on attempted murder!  (Hell if the standard defense strategy is to say all charges are trumped up on this show….lets really make it happen!)

If only that was the only thing that made me scream.  Oh if only. 

I have made no secret of the fact I can not stand Spinelli. He’s annoying.  His speaking habits are no longer funny and are seriously cause for a riot. Spixie is one of the single most irritating couples ever foisted on the viewing masses.  And yet I do realize I’m supposed to root for and sympathize with Spinelli. Find him funny.  Find his friendship with/slavish affection for Jason adorable and not completely disturbing.  So why, dear readers, why the hell if they want me to like this character so badly, do they do things like have him pontificate that even though he knew by giving Sonny/Jason information about Dante was setting up a murder and even though he knew Lulu cared for Dante and was worried….that he had no regrets about passing on the information.  That’s right folks….today GH preached that setting up a murder attempt was no big, even if a good friend of yours is going to be crushed.  Ladies and gentlemen…..your up and coming hero! 

If only this facial expression meant Maxie realized she had made a horrible choice in befriending these goobers and she needed to run to Mac and beg his forgiveness for his righteous Spinelli hate.  But I know….I know…I am not that lucky at all.

Look everyone…it’s Luke starting to figure out the world’s most obvious paternity switch!

Look…three seconds later Luke is completely distracted and will forget about this until, well at least May sweeps starts.

Although…hey Skye! How you doin?  Now can you explain where in the hell your daughter is please????????

I’m not even going to bother talking about Carly and Jax’s umpteenth fight about how everything bad in Sonny’ s life is Jax’s fault or Olivia and Carly’s snipefest at each other today. Mainly cause Carly and Jax will have the exact same argument next week. (Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?) and quite frankly my ears are still bleeding from all the screeching.   I am also not going to bother discussing the jury deliberations becuase jury deliberations are boring as hell and I still can’t understand why these writers think “comedic” and “nail-biting suspense”  are the same thing.  Or why they continue to think I’ll ever be worried about Sonny or Jason actually being convicted of crimes. As if! 

Dear Lulu,

Iif you could find time in your busy schedule of hating Sonny and being cute with Dante to actually remember the fact you are in fact a Spencer, it would be great. You see a Spencer wouldn’t have trusted Michael, Carly’s son mind you, to stay put at all.  A Spencer would have also realized Maxie has one of the worst track records in the world when it comes to keeping quiet with things that affect Jason and Spinelli.  (Well at least in regards to not telling them. Now you were perfectly right to be confident she wouldnt’ call Mac)  Did you perhaps take the same idiot pills Helena slipped the rest of your family to  make her latest “plan” work?  Just wondering.



Now it’s been a week and I feel I must weight in on the hot topic of the moment. NuMichael.  Yes the timing of the recast was jarring and I too had to remind myself that it actually was Michael confessing to Dante and not Spinelli’s here-to-unknown brother.  (Oh like you didn’t notice the resemblance!)  And I still don’t understand why they fired Drew Garret so rapidly.  But Chad Duell has won me over. And for one simple fact.

He’s a freaking giant!  He has to be pushing six feet right?  I recognized the shoulder-haunch-to-hide-the-fact-I’m-taller-than-everyone pose from Jason Thompson’s scenes with Scott Reeves! 

He’s so much taller than Dante you can tell it when they are sitting!  I am actually salivating in glee for Sonny/Michael scenes.  Because they will be hysterical for the either A – the way obvious height difference or B- the way obvious ways this inept show will try to hide it.  It’s going to be epic and give us all hours of fun and hillarious screencaps to treasure forever!  So for that admittedly shallow, Sonny-hating reason….I’m digging this recast!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

First off I must apologize for neglecting you all this week shamelessly.  I had an unexpected tragedy in my family that required me to go back home to deal but I am back and ready to start dealing with the daily nightmare that is GH.

I must say though that I did have a few small moments of glee today.  And surprisingly it did not involve watching “The Power of Madonna” for the 90th time today.    Plus…in a completely shocking turn of events….neither of these events involved Steven Webber!  I know! I didn’t think it was possible either.

Let us start with the most obvious and clearly most deserving of thanks…..we have not been cursed with Jucky in almost two weeks. Oh sure I know that I still have tomorrow and clearly who else will Lucky confide his concerns about Elizabeth and her growing closeness with MCP to?  But with Michael missing the fact that Jason has not called Lucky 24-7 to get him to find Michael makes me smile hugely. 

And in a move I’ve only been asking for since….well she appeared lets be honest….finally someone realized that Helena’s interest in keeping Elizabeth and Lucky apart (so she can raise the newest Cassadine) is more than a little off.  Even more shocking for me…the fact the person was Luke made me grin.  LUKE MADE ME GRIN!  Seriously I did not think it was possible.

So the closing arguments were beyond stupid and Diane’s basically amounted to “Claire is a mean mean person and Claudia is a meaner person who deserved it”.    And yes I will pray for death because seriously they are insisting on showing jury deliberations….but still I did do a dance of joy over the closing arguments which means we are thismuch closer to ending this entire farce of a trial for good!  Who doesn’t get a small flutter of happiness over that? 

So three things….three things that made me happy that involved GH….and I thought those days were over!

I have enough issues going on in my life right now that I don’t need to watch GH with the following expression on my face for the entire hour.

For the one thing it causes frown lines.  For another it’s not very attractive if not even Steven Lars Webber can pull it off!  And for a final point, one of the hallmarks of daytime is you can figure out what is going on.  And I don’t mean in the repetivie, only morons could miss the point way…I mean in the “Hey I forgot to tape yesterday but the show is still governed by the rules of logic and reason” sort of way.

Because today’s episode?  I think Lost is less confusing!

Ok now first off yes I was eye rolling of the notion that Lucky Spencer, father of TWO children got a one bedroom apartment and put a giant pool table in it just like the one Jason has.  Sure GH….I so beleive that.  But someone please tell me the point of that entirely stupid scene?  Nik couldn’t ask… a lawyer? Alexis?  Anyone else this?  I give Lucky credit for not slugging his assuming ass but really they haven’t spoken and Nik thinks this is the appropraite way to start talking?  Trying to get information he could have gotten from just about anyone else in town?  I just….what the hell was the point? 

Ok now generally I feel the less said about Jason’s “brilliant” and “noble” sacrifice the better. It’s so unbelivable stupid and insane it doesn’t deserve attention.  Because as if, in respect to the idea that if the freaking federal government of the United States of America would go “oh wait…you’ll volunteer to go to jail for a mobster we have evidence to put away?  And while your in jail said mobster will be free to continue to run his criminal empire? Why win win for us all!”  And the idea that I should find this a deep and loving and unselfish sacrifice of Jason, a person who has killed on Sonny’s behalf for years and who helps run this criminal empire, is insulting and makes me want to vomit.   But then Sam started in….and her argument that Jason shouldn’t go to jail because Jake needed him to raise him since Elizabeth is unstable……and I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle her.  Memo to GH…the time to make Jason/Jake happened sailed like three years ago.  As Jason rightly observed yesterday Jake doesn’t have a clue who he is.  And every ounce of social worker in me screams at the notion that tearing a three year away from the only family he’s ever known just because Jason is allegedly his biological father and that should trump all. 

I do admit I laughed at Jason’s expression when Sam brough Jake up.

I think that was supposed to be regret but all I saw was trying to remember who this Jake person was.

Hey look everyone!  It’s a Magical Cancer Patient! Sent to make us all appreciate our lives and improve them in every single way!

Why I bet she has a love of life and stories that will relate in meanigful ways to several characters and give them a new lease on life and love!  Look at the pure goodness and wisdom radiating from her skin!  Why I bet she can even help cure a still un-named mental disorder!

I really want to like this story I do…..but I just have this feeling…..she’s going to be way too Pollyanna for me. Although I do give GH props for being honest in how Magical Cancer Patient will leave us.

Can’t say they aren’t letting us know up front can we?

I have gone on record that I hate how stupid this paternity switch storyline is making everyone…everyone including Helena. But you know what I hate more?  When it forces great talents like Jane Elliot and Constance Towers to play material that is so beneth them.

First off you actually thought Tracy overheard what Helena was talking about I do feel compelled to ask….have you seen a soap opera before? The only way to overhear something is through a door in clear view of everyone who somehow cant’ see you!  Now Tracy and Helena sparring ranks up there with Helena and Alexis sparring truly (and we got both in one episode!) but still playing this ridiculously stupid storyline is beneth all of them.

You know I get that Alexis has had one hell of an early Spring. I do. And I can understand her wanting to see her daughter happy for just a fraction of a second after all that Kristina has been through. I even understand Kristina not wanting to be in the hospital and being ashamed of herself. Totally get all of that. But for reals when did Alexis have a brain transplant?  She credited Nikolas with being good with kids for Kristina smiling?????  Nikolas?  And not say Spencer and his sweater vest?

His fobbing his parenting duties off on Kristina today instead of Alfred is supposed to make me swoon?  Oh what the feck ever GH.  He did nothing.  And while I recognize your way obvious attempts to whitewash the fact Nik is a complete and total tool come on. You spent roughly the last six months having random characters walk around and take pot shots about his parenting skills. Helena even pointed out to Alexis today that he sucks.  And I was supposed to give him credit?  Any credit for Kristina smiling goes to Spencer and his always present sweater vest.  (Also…toatlly impressed both Kristina and Spencer acted like they knew who the other one was! That must be that Cassadine breeding we keep hearing about.)

Oh and when Alexis pointed out to Nik that Helena was clearly up to something and Nik declared he had it under control?  Was I supposed to be impressed?

The man couldn’t tell he was being scammed by Rebecca despite being told point blank by at least three different people that was what she was doing until Lucky let him know Ethan copped to it.  Helena was able to fake her death!  He thinks every day is opposite day! He totally thought that once Lucky had a minute to think about it, he would jump for joy at the prospect of Nik and Liz hooking up.  He thought Liz staying in a hospital that Helena controls (which he knows about) and taking a paterntiy test in a hospital under her real name  with Helena in town was all a good idea AND apparenlty couldnt’ figure out a way to hide a second paternity test from Helena!   I don’t have confidence he could find his way out of Wyndemere if he didn’t have Alfred to tell him where to go! 

This is the person who has Helena under control?

You know on second thought…maybe Alexis didn’t have brain damage after all. Maybe just questionable taste?

Photos by Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!


Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

Sometimes all I come away with when it comes to this show is more questions than I have answers.  I’ve often said this but I’ll repeat myself. Shows that one time had a character named Casey the Alien do not get to confuse me.  They just don’t.  But this week….

1.  Why do these writers think they can treat a development like Lucky moving out of his childhood home as something that happens off screen?  First off I thought that type of crap wasn’t supposed to happen now that Jonathan Jackson was back in the role.    That kind of stuff would happen to Greg’s Lucky regularly, but the Sainted Show Savior’s Lucky?  It wasn’t supposed to happen anymore!  Also are they aware that instead of paying attention to their way obvious chemistry test between Maya and Lucky, the entire audience was spendign more time going “If he doesn’t live there, where does he live? How long has he not lived there?  Do other people know he moved?”  I totally understand the reasons Lucky articulated, I do. But wouldn’t it have been more soapy and more inline with this show’s new mantra of show everything related to Lucky Spencer if the show had actually shown us Lucky moving out?

2.  Do these writers think there is only one form of abuse?  Seriously they are getting majorly Clintonian on this abuse issue.  No Sonny has not hit a woman…yet. He’s shook them, shot them, emotionally manipulated them, screamed at them..basically been Keifer to them.  All this talk of Sonny not being abusive because he’s not hit a woman when he’s been threatening and screaming the entire time he’s been on the show is maddening.  Also this confusing message that abuse is is only abuse if you are hit is brought to you at the start of National Child Abuse Prevention Month. ABC…Always Being Classy! 

3.  If “conventional wisdom” is to first suspect the boyfriend…why the hell has no one followed conventional wisdom before this exact second?  Look I know Kristina named Ethan repeatedly. I know that.  But it’s been hinted that Mac didn’t fully buy her story based on the fact Ethan brought her into the hospital.  Jason didn’t buy her story and alerted the cops that they should either.  More than just Carly and Michael have seen Keifer be a dick to Kristina.  Why am I asking what is clearly a plot point in Guza’s further plot to make Sonny look like a good father but come on! 

4.  Does no one on this show understand the concept of conflict of interest?  So everyone is saying let Lucky investigate Kristina’s attack. Let Lucky get to the truth of the matter.  Jason and Luke are all about Dante helping Lucky.  The brother of the accussed and the brother of the victim investigating the criminal case.  Ummmm I’m not a lawyer or a cop but even I can see two glaring reasons why this case wouldn’t see the light of day in court (which I know it’s not going to anyway cause I have seen this show before clearly). The show goes out of its way to make Keifer’s parents lawyers and they go and do something that a high school student could point out as wrong!  Unless Port Charles is suddenly Mayberry with a mob element and they only have two cops….Dante and Lucky should be so far away from the official investigation it isn’t funny. I would have no problem with either one of them investigating this on their own…but as the official investigators? Give me a fucking break.

4.  When did Robin Scorpio Drake loose her damn mind?  You all….I get Robin having a soft spot for Sonny but I feel I must point out to the writers there is a difference between a soft spot and a blind spot the size of a Mac truck.  It’s like Robin completely forgot that Sonny helped run her out of the freaking country for seven years!  At one point she’s admitted she knows, knows mind you, that Jason and Sonny are guilty of the crimes they are accused of.  She was at that freaking birthday party of doom and witnessed what Sonny did and said.  And yet everytime she shows up these days it’s to tell us that the evil media is trying to sway the jurors and that everyone needs to know Sonny is a good man.  Robin I love you but SHUT UP.  I get it. He was nice to you and Stone over a decade ago.  You also witnessed him ordering a woman’s muder and you know how he treated Brenda and how that destroyed her.  SONNY IS NOT A GOOD MAN ROBIN!

5.  Is the same person in charge of researching the legal system in charge of researching mental health care systems?   Take a deep breath here people and hear me out.  I agree Elizabeth was a little nutty and I am a big fan of the only way you’ll sleep with Nik is if you are mentally ill theory!  I am.  But here’s the thing…I work with the mental health system for a living.  And while I know holding a TV show to exacting standards of perfect realism is insane. I really do. Could they bother to get even the little things right? For example…neither Nikolas nor my beloved Steven have a psychiatry degree.  So therefore their opinion that Elizabeth isn’t ready means a hill of beans.  Also as she is not suicidal, not expressing homicidal thoughts and since this show never bothered to give us a diagnosis, presumably Elizabeth’s condition  can be treated on an outpatient basis then there is no reason and no hospital in the world that would keep her past seven days…not to mention the past month she’s been there.  There is no reason to keep her in a mental institution.  And that’s not even touching the whole point that Helena has admitted to running that hospital which leads me to my next question…

6. Why is everyone involved in this paternity switching storyline so uncharacteristically stupid?   I think we can all agree that the first rule when dealing with Helena is don’t tell Helena what you are up to!  And if you suspect she might have switched a paterntiy test you for sure don’t tell her a second test was ordered before you freaking look at the test results!  And I thought the stupidity had reached an apex when they were scheduling  a paternity test with Helena in town under their real names in a hospital she has run scams in before!!  And Nik had Helena move in to Wyndemere to keep an eye on her? Like the eye he keeps on Spencer?  At this point I am fully convinced that Helena could walk around town with a manservant handing out flyers saying “I SWITCHED THE PATERNITY RESULTS. LUCKY IS THE FATHER AND MY PLAN MAKES NO SENSE BUT JUST GO WITH IT FOLKS FOR I AM HELENA” and still no one would catch on.  At one point today I was praying she would start jumping up and down yelling “APRIL FOOLS APRIL FOOLS!”  It would have at least been entertaining!!!

7.  Why can’t I stop watching this show?  If you can answer this let me know please!

et cetera