Sarcastic Clapping

Why is it the simplist ideas are often the hardest for people to grasp? And while I certainly am a big fan of lazy ways when it comes to things like getting exercise into my daily routine (hey parking the car at the far end of the block is exercise dang it!) and eating healthy (individual peach pie is good for a fruit serving right?)  when it comes to my soaps I want something more than the laziest possible scenario. 

As par for the course…lazy writing has been in abundance on GH these past few days. Well lazier than usual that is.

First there is the High King of the Lazy Plot….Jason’s “noble”  plan to go to jail on nothing charges to protect Michael.  First off lets start with the fact that this whole thing could have been handled by having Jason testify at Sonny’s trial (Since you know everyone testified that he and Sam were in the cabin anyways), perjury himself like Carly did twice and then take a deal to serve time for perjury in a deal he makes that sends him to prison to protect Micahel and Carly.  It would be therefore in character, plausible (well as plausible as anything is that every enemy of Sonny’s is in Pentonville but not one of the flunkies who’s taken the fall for these lunkheads wouldn’t be) and he would still be in jail for like the five days this will last. 

Plus it would also explain why the very real concept of a “prison transfer” has not been brought up by anyone!  Or the fact given the circumstances, Michael would likely get one pretty easily.  Andn it would also stop the ridiculous notion that since My Baby Daddy Judge Carroll dared to sentence Michael for a crime he did commit (and admitted to…in open court under oath) that was a pretty freaking big gift since you know all the evidence that backed up Michael’s story was destroyed by the Trio of Terror, then the only logical course of action is to blackmail him into letting Michael go.

I hadnt’ gone deaf from running pokers in my ears during Jason and Lucky’s “goodbye” scene to miss that Lucky was cheerfully advocating blackmailing a judge to Dante.  You all if that is Lucky’s alleged “Spencer edge”? Then it can go away.  If Lucky and Dante are sooo disillusioned with the way the court handled Michael’s case (And really Lucky’s lived in this town for how long and he thought it was going to go that way?  MORON!) then here’s the simple solution. They quit the force and start a  PI firm.  Wow! What an out there concept! But no…now we have to deal with two upstanding cops who were militantly anti-mob becoming dirty to protect a child of the mob who would and has spit on them more than once just because they are cops!

But that isn’t nearly as stupid as the tidal wave of idiotacy that is coming from Wyndemere these days.  Can someone please explain to me why Nik would allow Helena to move in, have access to the child she kidnapped before and within fifty feet of the child he beleives is his and use small words so I can understand it.  And while you are at it…if you can figure out why Helena is being able to manipulate himwith information he’s known since approximately 1998 that would be great as well.  He keeps going around town telling everyone he’s got an eye on Helena and he’s handling her.  Yeah tell that to the dead lab tech.  And Tracy.  But because the entire plot of Helena switching the paternity test requires her to stay in town and talk loudly about how she’s going to use this baby to destory the Spencers, then she must illogically stay at Wyndemere and not…say her own freaking suite with Thor at the MetroCourt.


{May 12, 2010}   And the nominees are….

There are days when it feels the soap gods conspire against me.   Days when popular actors get fired for no good reason other than a publicity stunt.  Days when a major defining storyline of this show gets retconned because apparently the casting department doesn’t think it’s possible for an actor to drop an accent for a role. (Ed Westwick and Hugh Laurie have been completely facinated by this concept)  Days when all I hear is effusive over-praise for a scene specifically designed to trick the critics into thinking a show had turned a corner instead of just shoving out steaming piles of the same old crap. 

And then there are days like today.  When the soap gods smile down on me and say “That will do pig. That will do.”

I know what you are thinking…it’s Emmy nomination day.  I know she has HUGE issues with at least two of these nominees.  Has she completely flipped her lid?  And I am here to tell you that no…no I have not. My admittedly limited grasp on sanity is still in tact.  We shall take these in by category.

Best Show: General Hospital

I really do hate it when the word “best” is redefined and no one has told me.  It’s annoying.  The idea this putrid show is the best at anything other than raising my blood pressure is ridiculous.  However this show submitted the CarnEvil.  You know the big stunt they shot in their parking lot and proceded to act like it was a blooming new concept…this each day building on each other thing?  And if there is one thing we all know the Emmy voters love…it’s a big stunt show.  So figuring that…I’ll go with they did the Monday after Edward plowed the car into the carnival…becuase they had a montage…and action…and of course Jason’s Walk of Pain. 

If there is one thing this show can do it’s gimmick’s way into this category and win.  (cough*PC Hotel Fire*cough)  So while it causes a massive eye roll..I am honestly not shocked by this one.

Lead Actress – Sarah Joy Brown as Claudia Zaccarah

I have a love-hate relationship with Sarah Joy Brown. I always hate….haaaaaaatttteeeee…..any character she plays.  However I do recognize she is a phenomenally talented actress.  So I am thrilled that she was recognized for trying to make a poorly written, not at all planned, stunt casting ratings bid role in any way workable.  Bonus points are awarded because Bob Guza can no longer try to blame Sarah for the role’s absolute failure.  Not to say I love Claudia or I want that train wreck of a character honored in any way. I don’t and I am 1000% Team Crystal in this category because for serious have you seen Otalia?  (Also Crystal Chappell is magical and pissing her off might make the soap gods angry.  We don’t want them angry) 

Supporting Actress – Carolyn Hennesy as Diane Miller

You know I realize the category says supporting actress…I didnt’ realize it meant RECURRING CHARACTER?  What was her reel?  Five episodes spliced together?  I think Carolyn Hennesy is great and all ( even if I’m likely completely screwing the spelling of her last name.) it’s just…what the hell did she do last year?  The moving story of Max’s issues feeling like he was her sex toy?  <barf>  Telling Sonny to do something while he duh faces and ignores her?  WHAT? I ask of you WHAT?

Supporting Actor – Bradford Anderson as Damien Spinelli

Supporting Actor- Jonathan Jackson as Lucky Spencer

Starting with Spinelli since well it’s the less ragey of the two. I know who would have thunk it?  Bradford Anderson when tones down the annoying aspects of Spinelli is talented and he had relatively good stuff during the Spixie non-wedding.  Based on previous reels, he tends to pick comedy when he should pick drama and that’s killed him in the past.  This year I can actually rationalize this one, which is more than I can say the first time he was nomminated and all I could come up with was “some good scenes on Night Shift“.

And now for Jonathan Jackson.  I knew this nod was coming the second I heard the casting bomb drop.  I’ll even let it fly I firmly believe his name is on that trophy as we speak and the other nominees could just send in reels with their pictures on it for the cameramen to find them for all the “competition” this category actually is.  Jonathan is a great actor and often desreves the praise he gets. Except all he did in 2009 was show up.  That’s it.  Other than that?  Nada.  He played Lucky as clueless.  He played Lucky as annoyed with Luke.  He played Lucky as in love with Liz and stupidly trusting the wrong person.  Yeah been there. Done that. Seen it in 2007 with another actor.  Oh he’ll win…and he’ll win next year (and that one will be “deserved” or whatever) but let’s not kid ourselves. This is a “welcome back” Emmy. This is why back in the day…his name was always thrown out there as a reason why the Emmy system needed to change since the nominating commitee would give him the nod even when he didn’t do anything.  That’s right people…outside of the awards he won (which were deserved) his constant nominee status was actually a source of eye rolls in the 90s.  Hillariously I remember the complaints by respected soap experts about Tyler Christopher would always be overlooked so long as Jon was around since Jon was the name.   That’s right folks…he was often cited as a reason why we needed a pre-nom process.  Don’t you just love the irony? I do!

Younger Actress – Julie Marie Berman as Lulu Spencer

Julie is a great actress and she finally is in a pairing that doesn’t bomb within seconds!  So yeah for that! And Lulu is actually speaking sense and sometimes remembering she’s a member of the Spencer family and not Carly’s mob family. So I may at some point stop hating the character on sight.  However…I’m a little at a loss as to what she did that was sooo spectactular.  There was the break-up with Johnny….and that’ s it really. 

Younger Actor – Drew Garret as Michael Corrinthos III

The greatest part about this is if Drew wins AS HE SHOULD SOAP GODS….then we will get the fantastically confused and uncomfortable faces of TIIC.  All I ask CBS…is one camera shot of Brian Frons’s face when this happens.  Just one.  All I ask. 

I know what you are thinking….that’s a lot of complaining she just did. What’s up with this soap gods are happy nonsense?  But did you notice what categories GH got blanked in?  Best Writing and Lead Actor.

Let’s say it again because it is so glorious….Best Writing and Lead Actor…GH is shut out.

That’s right folks…no admittedly hillairiously awkward speeches where the writers have to defend things like shooting 12 year olds in the head as an appropriate punishment.  No one praising the genius in all the wrong ways dialogue delivered by Franco.  One category where we will not hear anything about the “genius vision” of Bob Guza.

And no lead actors.  The long year of Emmy baiting for Maurice Bernard,  Steve Burton and Tony Geary has FAILED.  Ok so Steve Burton wasn’t on the pre-nom list.  But just about everything last year was designed to give another statue for the king of the duh face, one Maurice Bernard.  Michael’s waking up….Claudia’s miscarriage….Sonny setting Claudia up to be murdered…..Sonny participating in the dumbest cover up ever to be dumb!  And I will no longer have the recurrent nightmare of Tony Geary walking up to win for his reel on the Ethan storyline (cause we all know it was that right?) to tell us all how right he was about us being “challenged” and how the ridiculous history spitting ret-con of Ethan being a Spencer was , as he told us, the greatest storyline ever and how Nathan Parsons is the greatest actor ever and how Wendy Riche’s years were so over-rated and horrifiic.  I’d like to think of this as the karmic gods swinging that bomerang around to smack him for all those bitchy interviews he gave where he couldn’t wait to tell us all to quit with our cannon-loving whinning and accept it because he loved it so.   Karma is a bitch and I love it so!

So what say you? 

This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!

I think I  need to sue my gym.  See when I joined, they had all the TVs tuned to either ESPN or CBS. Which means I had one place where I could guarantee I would not be assulted with the rage I normally feel when I watch GH.  Having these rage attacks in the safety and privacy of my own home is one thing, but the general public tends to look at you funny when you start spouting obsentities at fictional characters and throwing things at the screen in anger.    Suggestions about checking yourself into a mental hospital (with a legitimate reason even!!!) tend to follow.

So imagine the torture my poor fellow gym members went through when I had the misfortune of catching today’s GH live.  LIVE!!! I didn’t even have the luxury of the fast forward button!  Or the mute!  I was trapped! Trapped!  And today of all days……

First there was the uncomfortable part where I had to explain to everyone near me that the reason everyone’s neck vein was about to explode was because a cop just reported a confession of murder.  And how even though the self-confessed justified killer, who was totally going to turn himself in to save his mobster father’s murdering ass….that was the wrong thing!  That the right thing is for everyone in town to bend over backwards to keep a kid who is already being crushed with guilt stay quiet and under that crushing load so he can “lead a normal life.”  One that apparenlty didn’t involve becoming involved in the mob even though that’s the only career option they’ve ever presented the child with.

Trust me….the looks people gave Elizabeth when she had her public “breakdowns”?  Nothing compared to the looks you get when you try to explain this out loud in English.

It was impossible to explain why I doubled over with laughter when Carly…Carly of all people….started lecturing that Lulu should have “protected” Michael by keeping up the insane cover up that makes no frigging sense on the basis of “family loyalty”.  Carly…who never ever uses the name Spencer.  Who at one point decided she could drum LUCKY FREAKING SPENCER out of the family because he dared to arrest Jason for breaking the law.  Who I think we can all agree would have run to Jason and Sonny before Lulu finished the words “Dante is an undercover cop” had Lulu told her that.  Carly who has been one of the head cheerleaders of “family is who you choose not who you are related to by DNA” for the past decade.  She’s lecturing about family loyalty.  The ironry/rage was so great I almost didn’t feel the barbell as it fell on my foot.  They wanted that reaction from me right? 

And I can’t even touch on how loud I screamed WTF when Carly called Lulu a “selfish bitch”.  You know children really say it best.  Takes one to know one.

Sonny is generally our all around champ when it comes to being a douche, but I must admit I scoffed when he stared in today on how awful it was that Lulu didn’t turn out exactly the way Luke would want and may, may have asked “What? Did he find out Nikolas was about to take his crown as high king douche?”   Look I think we all know Luke isn’t going to be thrilled by this but who the hell cares if Luke isn’t going to be thrilled with her?  Luke’s level of involvement with children not named Ethan these days is….nil.  Wooo her dad who Lulu thinks abandoned her will be disappointed in her.  Big fat whoop.

And then it came…….oh I had high high hopes after Friday that the bane of my existance….the storyline you all know I think was written just to spite me….Jason/Lucky’s ridiciulous and completely out of character BFF-ship was thisclose to being over.  When Lucky pulled the gun on Jason I was 99.99% positive it was finally done becuase as we all know….while Jason can threaten you with death on multiple occassions you can’t step to him or tell him he’s full of shit.  You don’t mess with St. Jaysus like that.  But then…Jason spoke…in the police station….that if it had been any other cop that Michael had confessed to and pulled a gun on him, Jason would have shot said cop but because it was Lucky and Jason doesn’t want to hurt Lucky, well I think the dogs in the pet store next door understood me more clearly than the poor fool on the elliptical machine next to me. 

What the hell was that today?  Am I supposed to be on Carly’s side when she had the exact same revelation that she did in April 2008 that she was the reason Michael is screwed from the get go?  Am I supposed to think Sonny’s isn’t a huge douche?  I know Dante/Lulu have the us vs the world thing going on right now but the show does not have to be so literal in this.   I get Carly feeling betrayed but on what planet is Carly loyal to any family than the one she chose wiht Jason and Sonny? 

And lastly….does Bob Guza really have it out for me and is he determined to make me a friendless loser just for thinking Jason, Sonny and Carly sucks?

It’s the last one. You so don’t have to tell me that.

{April 30, 2010}   Clueless conscienceless morons!

Tell me I was dreaming. Tell me I did not just witness a nationally televised show air an hour that included the lesson that cops are trained to lie, and therefore are devil betrayers that must be killed.

Unfortunately I watch GH so instead of dreaming I was actually living a nightmare.

What in the holy hell did I just watch?

Jason told Kristina and Molly that cops were trained to lie and they bought that crap? They immediately decided that Dante was evil and out to hurt poor innocent Michael?  Carly….Carly of all people screamed at Lulu about betraying her family for a guy she likes?  Sonny, Jason and Carly’s immediate decision upon hearing Dante’s truthful testimony is A – Michael must get out of the country and B – let’s put Carly back on the stand to commit more perjury because she’s so freaking awesome at it?  Lucky actually had to explain to Micahel this whole hiding out thing works better if you stay inside, especially when you are a giant?  (Ok that part was funny but still!) 

And Jason, Sonny and Carly are the heroes of this show? 

God they sunk my battleship!

I have been trying to work out for the past week how Dante telling the truth is on the same level as Jerry Jax/Mr. Craig.  Or why anyone would think that continuing to lie about Michael’s involvement constituted protecting him.  Did they not realize they rattled off about four different defense strategies that would have worked in the five minutes they spent babbling at the judge after Dante spoke?

Michael is a troubled young man.

Michael was in a coma caused by Claudia for a year and has documented brain damage regarding impulse control.

Michael walked in and saw what he thought was his mother and sister being attacked.

For all the talk this show does about Diane being a brilliant legal mind….she couldn’t have argued any one of these instead of risking de-barment for knowningly putting Carly on the stand to lie?  She couldn’t have been successful in getting Michael tried in juvenile court and getting off with therapy and a suspended sentence until he turned 18? 

These dumbasses cause this mess by covering up mitigating circumstances in the first place and then hiding Michael on the freaking island and they think it’s Dante’s fault that Michael might face charges?  Michael being out of the country would have rendered Dante’s testimony null and void?  (Ok it’s the GH legal system. That probably would have happened.) 

Carly….Carly who has never ever used the Spencer name, is about as loyal to Lulu as Noah “Puck” Puckerman is to any girl who won’t give it up, who has put Sonny and Jason before her mother, her current husband and her children’s well being is pissed off that Lulu stuck by her boyfriend?  Carly freaking stuck by Sonny when he shot Lulu’s boyfriend in the chest.  Dante and Lulu are responsible for ruining Michael’s life and not the idiots who put him in this exact situation in the first place? 

And we’re supposed to continue to cheer for these idiots? These are our heroes?   It’s the blind leading the moronic to preach to the idiotic! 

Let me just set these dumbasses straight.  The reason Michael’s life is ruined is because Carly and Jason decided years ago that raising that baby in the mob was a better option than having him raised by the Quatermaines.  A further reason is Sonny had AJ hung on a meathook because AJ was an alcoholic and that brain trust decided that was worse than being raised by a mob boss.  All the times Michael screwed up from the time he was a terrifying mini-Chucky doll till he swung an axe, these numbnuts covered it up, excused it and brushed it off as nothing.  He shot Kate in the chest and they wrote it off as boys will be boys.  The idea of him getting therapy, admitting what he did in court or even apologizing to Kate was seen as a punishment worse than death.  They worried and fretted about Michael wanting to join the family business but used that same business to bribe him into staying with them after he awoke from his coma, used it to get him out of trouble through intimidation and used it to bend the law and get him a temporary driver’s liscene. 

You know…all these things these feckers figured out when he axed Claudia in the first place! 

And now we are so going to sit through months where they whine and moan and try to blame Dante and Lulu and probably Claire for the predicament Michael is in. They will cry and moan about where did they go wrong as parents.  And you know what will happen?  People will line up to tell them they did everything right. They couldn’t have predicted the evilness of Dante.  Everything they did was to protect Michael and mold him into the greatest young man to ever exist.  Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?  Sorry!  But you know it’s true. 

Clueless morons!

{April 28, 2010}   So worth the wait!

Finally someone said it! Finally someone in this town has called Carly Corrinthos out on her parenting skills!  After years of seeing person after person in this town tell Carly that she is the best mother ever and how awesome she is as a mother someone finally spoke the plain truth.  She so totally sucks at this job. Yes I think she loves Michael and Morgan….but lets face it. Both those kids are screwed because of her. 

And our unlikely hero? Claire of all people. Yes Claire of the bizarre diction.  Claire who’s going to loose the case because Diane’s legal argument of “Claudia was a big meanie” is working!  Claire who spent half the trial trying to prove who shot Dante, not who whacked Claudia. That Claire was a-maz-ing today.

Claire: What I’ve done? What about what you’ve done?  Do you ever look in the mirror?  What kind of loving mother supports the bastard who got her son shot in the head?

The exact damn thing I’ve been wondering for months! And she didnt’ stop there.  Oh no, our fearless Claire was just getting started. 

Carly: You don’t know anythign about me or my kids (Ed- the hell she doesn’t. I think she has you pegged woman) You’re a self-serving bitch trying to use my kids to advance your career. That makes you pathetic Claire. Not to mention heartless.  (ED- Takes one to know one there)

Claire:  That’s just rich. Married to a mobster and you stay with him even though you know you are putting your kids in the middle of all this violence?  Sonny is a criminal and your kids are safer witout him around.  You should be thanking me.

Carly: When hell freezes over.

Claire:  You claim to be this protective and loving mother?  Well you put Sonny’s welfare above your kids any chance you get.  So what is it? What?  You got so lost and caught up in being his savior that you didn’t bother to consider the danger he poses to your kids?

Day-um. I am not used to that level of truthiness being leveled at one time.  Especially not by another woman and even more especially not to Carly.  It was electifying.  It was magnificent and she still wasnt’ done.  Clearly Carly didn’t have any frame of referrence for such a brilliant attack so she was left with this comeback after noticing the picture of a baby Claire had on her computer.  She said Claire didn’t have what it took to be a mother with a look on her face that I can only describe as “Smuggy Mc Smuggerson.”

But our girl Claire…she was not swayed by such a lowball obvious tactic.  She hit right back.

Claire:  If you we’re protecting you’re kids, you’d help me convict Sonny. I’ve done more to protect your kids than you ever have


Sometimes words…truly aren’t necessary.


{April 23, 2010}   And back to reality

Well that was short lived. Even by GH standards. 

I had one near historic day of finding three positive things that I could not bitch about in one episode, something that hasn’t happened since a certain fairytail wedding in 2005 mnd you. (Although I’m sure GH thinks we are all now convinced we hallucinated that) And then today happened.  It’s like the GH gods knew I might turn the corner to like some things and went oh no you don’t.  Because today’s show made me beleive Guza is out to kill me via rage-induced airway constriction.  Or he really wants me to have upgrade my TV and is therefore committed to causing me to break mine via thrown chair.  It’s one or other.

You know I understand…well not really but I try to sometimes follow the Bob logic…that Jason, even though he is an unrepentant hitman who makes his living killing people and placing everything and everyone he allegedly loves, is the hero of the show.  And therefore his actions are generally justifiable and well since this is Guza, completely right and moral.   St. Jaysus of the Holy Silencer is never wrong.  Except……..

Today while he broke into Dante’s apartment (Dante’s a cop by the way) to look for Michael (cause Dante follows the Sonny moron code of hiding someone in the most obvious place in the world?) he heard a noise and drew his gun.  Now assuming he thought it was Dante coming home….he was drawing his gun on a cop.  As it was, he drew his gun on a…wait for it cause it is so genius….FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.  Yes Claire is clearly going to lose this case beacuse of course no one wins against Diane’s brilliant legal reasoning of “the prosecutor is a meanie and the victim was an even bigger meanie and they are all jealous of how awesome my client is”  but still she is still a sworn upholder of the law.  And she did nothing to Jason.  Claire even figured out Jason was probably going to kill Dante, granted not hard since that is like 95% of Jason’s dialogue these days but she did nothing. Didn’t even threaten him with arrest.  You know I can suspend disbelief with the best of them…but it’s hard as hell to think Claire is going to put Sonny in jail when she can’t even take a golden opportunity to arrest and prosecute Jason on attempted murder!  (Hell if the standard defense strategy is to say all charges are trumped up on this show….lets really make it happen!)

If only that was the only thing that made me scream.  Oh if only. 

I have made no secret of the fact I can not stand Spinelli. He’s annoying.  His speaking habits are no longer funny and are seriously cause for a riot. Spixie is one of the single most irritating couples ever foisted on the viewing masses.  And yet I do realize I’m supposed to root for and sympathize with Spinelli. Find him funny.  Find his friendship with/slavish affection for Jason adorable and not completely disturbing.  So why, dear readers, why the hell if they want me to like this character so badly, do they do things like have him pontificate that even though he knew by giving Sonny/Jason information about Dante was setting up a murder and even though he knew Lulu cared for Dante and was worried….that he had no regrets about passing on the information.  That’s right folks….today GH preached that setting up a murder attempt was no big, even if a good friend of yours is going to be crushed.  Ladies and gentlemen…..your up and coming hero! 

If only this facial expression meant Maxie realized she had made a horrible choice in befriending these goobers and she needed to run to Mac and beg his forgiveness for his righteous Spinelli hate.  But I know….I know…I am not that lucky at all.

Look everyone…it’s Luke starting to figure out the world’s most obvious paternity switch!

Look…three seconds later Luke is completely distracted and will forget about this until, well at least May sweeps starts.

Although…hey Skye! How you doin?  Now can you explain where in the hell your daughter is please????????

I’m not even going to bother talking about Carly and Jax’s umpteenth fight about how everything bad in Sonny’ s life is Jax’s fault or Olivia and Carly’s snipefest at each other today. Mainly cause Carly and Jax will have the exact same argument next week. (Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?) and quite frankly my ears are still bleeding from all the screeching.   I am also not going to bother discussing the jury deliberations becuase jury deliberations are boring as hell and I still can’t understand why these writers think “comedic” and “nail-biting suspense”  are the same thing.  Or why they continue to think I’ll ever be worried about Sonny or Jason actually being convicted of crimes. As if! 

Dear Lulu,

Iif you could find time in your busy schedule of hating Sonny and being cute with Dante to actually remember the fact you are in fact a Spencer, it would be great. You see a Spencer wouldn’t have trusted Michael, Carly’s son mind you, to stay put at all.  A Spencer would have also realized Maxie has one of the worst track records in the world when it comes to keeping quiet with things that affect Jason and Spinelli.  (Well at least in regards to not telling them. Now you were perfectly right to be confident she wouldnt’ call Mac)  Did you perhaps take the same idiot pills Helena slipped the rest of your family to  make her latest “plan” work?  Just wondering.



Now it’s been a week and I feel I must weight in on the hot topic of the moment. NuMichael.  Yes the timing of the recast was jarring and I too had to remind myself that it actually was Michael confessing to Dante and not Spinelli’s here-to-unknown brother.  (Oh like you didn’t notice the resemblance!)  And I still don’t understand why they fired Drew Garret so rapidly.  But Chad Duell has won me over. And for one simple fact.

He’s a freaking giant!  He has to be pushing six feet right?  I recognized the shoulder-haunch-to-hide-the-fact-I’m-taller-than-everyone pose from Jason Thompson’s scenes with Scott Reeves! 

He’s so much taller than Dante you can tell it when they are sitting!  I am actually salivating in glee for Sonny/Michael scenes.  Because they will be hysterical for the either A – the way obvious height difference or B- the way obvious ways this inept show will try to hide it.  It’s going to be epic and give us all hours of fun and hillarious screencaps to treasure forever!  So for that admittedly shallow, Sonny-hating reason….I’m digging this recast!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

First off I must apologize for neglecting you all this week shamelessly.  I had an unexpected tragedy in my family that required me to go back home to deal but I am back and ready to start dealing with the daily nightmare that is GH.

I must say though that I did have a few small moments of glee today.  And surprisingly it did not involve watching “The Power of Madonna” for the 90th time today.    Plus…in a completely shocking turn of events….neither of these events involved Steven Webber!  I know! I didn’t think it was possible either.

Let us start with the most obvious and clearly most deserving of thanks…..we have not been cursed with Jucky in almost two weeks. Oh sure I know that I still have tomorrow and clearly who else will Lucky confide his concerns about Elizabeth and her growing closeness with MCP to?  But with Michael missing the fact that Jason has not called Lucky 24-7 to get him to find Michael makes me smile hugely. 

And in a move I’ve only been asking for since….well she appeared lets be honest….finally someone realized that Helena’s interest in keeping Elizabeth and Lucky apart (so she can raise the newest Cassadine) is more than a little off.  Even more shocking for me…the fact the person was Luke made me grin.  LUKE MADE ME GRIN!  Seriously I did not think it was possible.

So the closing arguments were beyond stupid and Diane’s basically amounted to “Claire is a mean mean person and Claudia is a meaner person who deserved it”.    And yes I will pray for death because seriously they are insisting on showing jury deliberations….but still I did do a dance of joy over the closing arguments which means we are thismuch closer to ending this entire farce of a trial for good!  Who doesn’t get a small flutter of happiness over that? 

So three things….three things that made me happy that involved GH….and I thought those days were over!

I have enough issues going on in my life right now that I don’t need to watch GH with the following expression on my face for the entire hour.

For the one thing it causes frown lines.  For another it’s not very attractive if not even Steven Lars Webber can pull it off!  And for a final point, one of the hallmarks of daytime is you can figure out what is going on.  And I don’t mean in the repetivie, only morons could miss the point way…I mean in the “Hey I forgot to tape yesterday but the show is still governed by the rules of logic and reason” sort of way.

Because today’s episode?  I think Lost is less confusing!

Ok now first off yes I was eye rolling of the notion that Lucky Spencer, father of TWO children got a one bedroom apartment and put a giant pool table in it just like the one Jason has.  Sure GH….I so beleive that.  But someone please tell me the point of that entirely stupid scene?  Nik couldn’t ask… a lawyer? Alexis?  Anyone else this?  I give Lucky credit for not slugging his assuming ass but really they haven’t spoken and Nik thinks this is the appropraite way to start talking?  Trying to get information he could have gotten from just about anyone else in town?  I just….what the hell was the point? 

Ok now generally I feel the less said about Jason’s “brilliant” and “noble” sacrifice the better. It’s so unbelivable stupid and insane it doesn’t deserve attention.  Because as if, in respect to the idea that if the freaking federal government of the United States of America would go “oh wait…you’ll volunteer to go to jail for a mobster we have evidence to put away?  And while your in jail said mobster will be free to continue to run his criminal empire? Why win win for us all!”  And the idea that I should find this a deep and loving and unselfish sacrifice of Jason, a person who has killed on Sonny’s behalf for years and who helps run this criminal empire, is insulting and makes me want to vomit.   But then Sam started in….and her argument that Jason shouldn’t go to jail because Jake needed him to raise him since Elizabeth is unstable……and I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle her.  Memo to GH…the time to make Jason/Jake happened sailed like three years ago.  As Jason rightly observed yesterday Jake doesn’t have a clue who he is.  And every ounce of social worker in me screams at the notion that tearing a three year away from the only family he’s ever known just because Jason is allegedly his biological father and that should trump all. 

I do admit I laughed at Jason’s expression when Sam brough Jake up.

I think that was supposed to be regret but all I saw was trying to remember who this Jake person was.

Hey look everyone!  It’s a Magical Cancer Patient! Sent to make us all appreciate our lives and improve them in every single way!

Why I bet she has a love of life and stories that will relate in meanigful ways to several characters and give them a new lease on life and love!  Look at the pure goodness and wisdom radiating from her skin!  Why I bet she can even help cure a still un-named mental disorder!

I really want to like this story I do…..but I just have this feeling…..she’s going to be way too Pollyanna for me. Although I do give GH props for being honest in how Magical Cancer Patient will leave us.

Can’t say they aren’t letting us know up front can we?

I have gone on record that I hate how stupid this paternity switch storyline is making everyone…everyone including Helena. But you know what I hate more?  When it forces great talents like Jane Elliot and Constance Towers to play material that is so beneth them.

First off you actually thought Tracy overheard what Helena was talking about I do feel compelled to ask….have you seen a soap opera before? The only way to overhear something is through a door in clear view of everyone who somehow cant’ see you!  Now Tracy and Helena sparring ranks up there with Helena and Alexis sparring truly (and we got both in one episode!) but still playing this ridiculously stupid storyline is beneth all of them.

You know I get that Alexis has had one hell of an early Spring. I do. And I can understand her wanting to see her daughter happy for just a fraction of a second after all that Kristina has been through. I even understand Kristina not wanting to be in the hospital and being ashamed of herself. Totally get all of that. But for reals when did Alexis have a brain transplant?  She credited Nikolas with being good with kids for Kristina smiling?????  Nikolas?  And not say Spencer and his sweater vest?

His fobbing his parenting duties off on Kristina today instead of Alfred is supposed to make me swoon?  Oh what the feck ever GH.  He did nothing.  And while I recognize your way obvious attempts to whitewash the fact Nik is a complete and total tool come on. You spent roughly the last six months having random characters walk around and take pot shots about his parenting skills. Helena even pointed out to Alexis today that he sucks.  And I was supposed to give him credit?  Any credit for Kristina smiling goes to Spencer and his always present sweater vest.  (Also…toatlly impressed both Kristina and Spencer acted like they knew who the other one was! That must be that Cassadine breeding we keep hearing about.)

Oh and when Alexis pointed out to Nik that Helena was clearly up to something and Nik declared he had it under control?  Was I supposed to be impressed?

The man couldn’t tell he was being scammed by Rebecca despite being told point blank by at least three different people that was what she was doing until Lucky let him know Ethan copped to it.  Helena was able to fake her death!  He thinks every day is opposite day! He totally thought that once Lucky had a minute to think about it, he would jump for joy at the prospect of Nik and Liz hooking up.  He thought Liz staying in a hospital that Helena controls (which he knows about) and taking a paterntiy test in a hospital under her real name  with Helena in town was all a good idea AND apparenlty couldnt’ figure out a way to hide a second paternity test from Helena!   I don’t have confidence he could find his way out of Wyndemere if he didn’t have Alfred to tell him where to go! 

This is the person who has Helena under control?

You know on second thought…maybe Alexis didn’t have brain damage after all. Maybe just questionable taste?

Photos by Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!


Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

et cetera