Sarcastic Clapping

It’s clear my friends.  Completely and totally clear.  The writers/producers of General Hospital think we are vegitables completely unable to process basic reasoning.   It is the only explanation for the insanity that came out of the show and the mouth of Bob Guza today.

Let’s start with the show.  Now we’re not even going to touch the Jason “Karate Sensi” Morgan continuing adventures in jail.  Where’s he’s never been before but yet he knows all the tricks on how to survive. Which apparenlty doesn’t include keep your survival lessons to private places so the entire population of prisoners and corrupt guards (it’s GH. I’m not stupid) can see that the 18 year old is in fact as weak as he looks!  Or the fact that conjugal visits are just for married people is apparently not completely well known. 

No, as you probably could guess the stupidity that is the Nik/Liz clearly oncoming “bonding”.  Alright, has Liz been a bit of a bitch to Nik? Yes.  She has. But I maintain that if the show hadn’t committed hardcore to destorying the character for four straight years, most people would be cheering her bitching the Prince of Douchitude.  Yesterday she apologized and offered to meet him half way but re-stated she was not moving into Wyndemere.  Now she has stated her reasons for this decision has nothing to do with Lucky. It has to do with she doesn’t love Nik and Helena lives there still. Now Nik has also heard this exact same message from Lucky without prompting or persusassion of Liz.  In fact Liz doesn’t even know Lucky told Nik the exact same thing.

So what do we learn today? Nik thinks that Liz should move in because he has more money than her.  Oh and Lucky is resentful of his money.  First off I think it’s more accurate that Lucky is resentful of the attitude Nik uses with his money and that 99% of the time, when Lucky requires money…said situation is Nik’s fault. (Loosing insurance for being on probation because of protecting Nik’s fiance in stupid plan to get Nik out of jail ring bells for anyone else?)  So to shorthand this…Nik lives in Douchetropolis, Victimville and thinks his money automatically makes him a great father material.  Alfred and Spencer beg to differ.

After Liz told him to shove it…..we get Cam requesting a daycamp that is deemed too expensive. Now as someone who works with children I know that some daycamps are beyond redonkulous. ($350 for five days???  What the French toast?) However since prior to this exact second, there has never been any indication that Liz is feeling a money crunch…ummm out of nowhere much?  And clearly she’s going to invest the boys’ trust funds in that experimental drug Steven just happened to be talking about at the end of the show.  No one ever said Guza was subtle did they?  And I’ll go on a wild limb here and say she’ll loose all the money and be suddenly destitute and have no choice…NO CHOICE I tell you…but rely on Nik to get her out of this financial mess because he is just so good with his money. (Seeing a con at fifty feet however…..different story)

You know why I don’t buy this? Because I can reason my way out of a paper bag.  I know Liz’s house is paid for.  It was part of that stupid guilt gift Jason gave to make up for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to change a thing about his life.  So she doesn’t have a house payment.  We know from last year that Lucky pays for the boys’ daycare. So she doesn’t pay for that.  When the boys are not in daycare, they are with relatives that don’t charge for baby-sitting. No money there.  And contrary to Guza’s opinion, nurses and detectives make good money.  Also if Liz can invest all this money into an experimental drug, she can’t take a few hundred out for a camp?  Like Jason wouldn’t replace that guilt money when he inevitably finds out.  (And he will because he’s Jason)  And if Steven has enough money for his friend to call him to invest, like he wouldn’t go ahead and pay for his nephew (that’s named after him) to go to camp for the summer? 

There are like 95 different intelligence insulting points wrong with this entire set up that everyone can see through. But that’s only about one-tenth the amount of insulting the latest Bob Guza interview with TV Guide on Michael’s rape is.  Or the subsequent reaction of the soap press that apparently we are complete morons who can’t figure things out on our own.  (Caution…mild spoiler about Carter in the interview)

Who on Earth do they honestly think is confused by this?  The same idiots who honestly think Jason is going to die every month?  If you have watched a soap…even the crappest ones in the history of soapdom (i.e. Swans Crossing……Glory/JT 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!) you know what flinching and reluctance to get close mean. It’s like fainting only ever meaning pregnancy and brain tumor.  He’s flinching and avoiding contact even with St. Jaysus Our Savior. CLEARLY he was raped.  The only way it could be more obvious is if they made him wear a neon sign!

And then there is the “classy” comment Guza made about Michael being a good looking kid with the John Gotti of Port Charles as a dad.  First off, Sonny wishes he was John Gotti.  Secondly…..attractiveness is a contributing factor to rape?  Only pretty people are raped?  No ugly people have ever been the victims of rape?  Why hasn’t a women’s lib group dragged this creatin through the streets and tarred and feathered him yet?  For the last time Guza….rape is a crime of POWER. It has nothing to do with sex and sexual attractiveness.  Especially in the case of prison sexual assault.   Yes Michael would be targeted because of who his father is, but that’s why there this thing called protective custody. Jason’s talked about it so apparently you are aware of what it is. 

Also…love the attitude of “no we didn’t do this” /”oh my god how could we not do this”.  And like we can’t tell “ramifications three-five months” down the line means they are waiting for November sweeps to do a full reveal? Probably after Michael finds a girlfriend.  And she might want to get “closer” as it were?  

Now all this I expect from Bob Guza. After all the same man did helpfully explain to us that because Michael accidentally shot Kate in the stomach (that Sonny, Jason and Carly covered up and he was never made to apologize for ever) it was totes approrpiate for Michael to be shot in the head because we don’t want to be irresponsible about violence and youngsters on GH.  No way. No how.  But the soap press…playing along with this like we don’t know what’s going on. Many blogs have already posted about this and have come to the conclusion Michael was in fact raped. And not just blogs by pissy fans like me.  People like Sarah Bibel at Deep Soap.  SOW has it on their cover for next week.  We already know what happened. So for people like Michael Logan and Michael Fairman to act like this is  such a farrking mystery is beyond insulting.

And the same people wonder constantly why the soap audience is erroding. Here’s a clue geniuses.  We might not like it when you treat us like we believe the little people in the box are real.  We are capable of higher thoughts and we can do things like read between the lines.  We remember things like minute plot points from 25 years ago and we can find clips on You Tube to prove it in intricate, head pounding message board arguments.  We like to be treated with respect and like we do have a brain.  I know this might be an unfathomable girl concept for you but you treat us badly enough we do walk away. As Johnny so correctly observed today there is to abuse than hitting and you Bob Guza and your faithful minions have been emotionally abusing your audience for years.


So back in 2005-2006, I started a little fan campaing.  I don’t why you are all acting surprised. I admitted to randomly naming myself Chief Battle Planner for LL2.  I had Greg Vaughan convinced for like two minutes I was stalking him and going through his trash at home.  (No really. I did.)  And I am writing a blog where I bitch about soaps. OF COURSE I have started/participated in a fan campaign or two.   Anyways, at the time the only storyline it seemed TIIC could come up with for LL2 was either being really pretty lamps in the ongoing boredom and skeeviness of Nik/Courtney. (I apologize now for the repressed memories that brought up) or Lucky ending up almost dying in the hopsital and then them not having ANY MONEY becaues apparenlty cops and nurses make one cent above the poverty line as far as Guza is concerned.  So some LL2/Lucky fans sent in band aids, begging for any story that did not center around the hospital and the insulting notion that cops and nurses made no money and had no idea how this thing called health insurance worked. That was all we asked for.

We got Summer of Sleaze and Pregnancy of Secret Pain instead. 

So you’d think we’d learn our lesson and just keep our mouths shut. Don’t ask for anything.  I know Scrubs fans asked for a baby and don’t we remember the “fun” of Robin’s baby rabies and Patrick’s pregnancy? Just keep your mouth shut.

Clearly we did not learn that lesson.

When the whole Ethan debacle started….even before it scaled its heights of ridiculous Lucky bashing…there were more than a few calls from the fans to actually mine LUCKY’S history for stories instead of creating random newbies no one cared about.  That Lucky had this great history that was just begging to be further explored and used to create storylines for him.  I even recall writing such a phrase myself in a letter to the magazines.  (Thankfully, they cut that part out.)

So what does Guza decide to do with said suggestion?  Have Lucky tell Toothy why his relationship with Luke sucks and why he doesn’t want to live his life like Luke? (I understand that Tony Geary is tired of playing the rape reveal over and over. Well he’s been on vacation. Why not use that time to do it now?  Have Toothy come to his own decision on how to deal with it? Or is that too much like planning or organic storytelling?)  Revisit Lucky’s computer skills and have him work with Dominante on taking down Sonny and Jason?  Give the boy a birthday?  (Seriously Lucky’s been a part of the canvas since like 1993…and I have no recollection of him EVER having a birthday party.  I know there is a clip out there of Robert gettign the phone call that Lucky arrived…..but if the boy celebrated a birthday on screen i’m blanking on it.  If he has…help a sister out here!) 

Oh no. Nothing like that.  Nothing that might respect the character and treat him with some dignity.

No…the history Guza has decided to mine is Lucky being a clueless idiot regardign another person’s interest in Elizabeth.  Yes because didn’t every Lucky fan love this back when we heard Lucky apologize/thank Jason every five seconds for BREATHING?  Now granted I know that Lucky is naturally not going to suspect his brother is being a big fat dickhead to him.  And he’ll excuse anything right now as Nik being Cassadine.  And yes I do realize that Nik going Cassadine is going to be the excuse Guza trots out when he gets bored with this (i.e. Tyler’s performance/Niz doesn’t bring home the press notice and awards he wants) and goes back to Lucky and Nik being all BFFs/brother again.  And yes I am fully aware that judging by the way Emily has been mentioned an upwards of 75 times in the past two weeks…that means most likely Rebecca IS Emily afterall and this was all just a Helena plot….but still.  NOT WHAT WE MEANT THERE GUZA!

Lucky Spencer being made to look like an idiot/fool for trusting people he loves got old about mid-way through the first time they did this.  Not to mention it pretty much helped tank Elizabeth in the eyes of many fans.  (Jason too there for awhile but Steve took his shirt off so well…..yeah I don’t understand Jason fans). Before anythign started there was already blowback landing on Tyler/Nik on his own board and beyond.  (I admit I find SoapZone’s tendancy to use “oh but he earned it” and “But in three months” as punchlines hysterical.  And the use of the Dikolas nickname. Kudos to you who thought of that!)  And yet given the spin they are desperately trying to give this (and you can’t tell me those words Becky and Tyler are saying didn’t first come directly from Guza’s mouth. It’s the only explanation for the WTF nature of the comments) I get the impression they expect us to root for Niz…or feel sorry for them……or find the fact that Nik spends 99% of his time talking about Rebecca and Emily before hitting on Liz hot or something……….or not to notice the spin and the situations are almost identical to Nik/Courtney. (Again…I AM SORRY FOR THE BAD MEMORIES!  PLEASE FORGIVE ME!)

Just who are they aiming this show for again?    Do they think Lucky Spencer is the random newbie character that no one cares about ?  Nik is the Spencerdine sibling who gets told he has Laura’s heart?  Huh?  When the fans ask for something, do they go out of their way to make it as painful, ridiculous and awful as all get out as a punishment to us for daring to question their allegedly great vision of the show and refusing to be “challegened” by their “new” directions?  (Can this direction really be considered new when they tried this in 1999 and no one bought it then?  I know it was Colton Scott in the role and not Tyler but that doesn’t mean we forgot all about it Guza….and Tyler.) 

I’ve noticed Guza’s irrational hatred of Lucky Spencer for years now…and initially I chalked up to the fact that Lucky was the character most viewers cited as to who SHOULD be the center/hero of the show instead of Jason and Sonny.  He had to write Lucky as marginal and Jason’s whipping boy so there would be no viable threat to the mob world order.  Especially when Guza tries to pit Jason against Lucky.  Clearly…as we have noted before here…only crazy women would want to wind up with a dog like Lucky Spencer.

Greg walking

Oh yeah…any excuse to show that picture.

But now I think it has to be personal.  There has to be some reason Guza is punishing Greg Vaughan.  He ran over Guza’s puppies.  He laughed during a meeting where Guza was explaining how Toxic Balls was going to be this great dramatic storyline.  Guza has hit on him for years and he recently told him that it was never going to happen and to stop it before he told the world about via a restraining order. 

Or my old standby of Guza is aware I exist and lives to crush my hopes and dreams. 

It’s the last one.  I know its the last one.

{July 7, 2009}   Tomorrow Still Comes….

“We have to watch All My Children today. Crazy Janet has Natalie in the well and I have to see if Trevor gets her out.”

With a statement like that is it any wonder I had to watch?  I was all of 12 years old, spending the day with my friend Christy, waiting for my mom to pick me up after work. We had been up half the night before celebrating her 12th birthday with the sleepover to end all sleepovers and we had probably only been up for no more than two hours.  I had barely watched any daytime before that day.  Even though my mom had been a stay-at-home mom until the year before I didn’t remember her watching TV at all in the afternoon. 

But Christy’s mom loved All My Children.  Had watched it for years.  And this past year, Christy had gotten hooked for her own reasons. So that afternoon, sitting in the loft area of their home, while her mom watched downstairs, Christy and I watched.  She explained to me who everyone was and when she got stuck, she’d yell down a question to her mom.  She’d answer and we’d move on with the storyline.  It took one episode and I was hooked. 

So I guess it’s Christy and her mom’s fault I can’t kick this addiction.

Oh I no longer watch All My Children anymore.  That got easier after Sarah Michelle Gellar left to slay the undead.  (insert your own joke about Jason Morgan and Dead Diego here.)  No the addiction I can’t shake is soaps.  No matter how hard I try. No matter how much less rage inducing my life would become if I would just unplug and stop watching, stop reading and leave the world of daytime behind.

I think about it when I sit there, slack-jawed at the stupidity and lack of logic.  A day where I don’t wonder how is I can remember a show’s history while a writing team with access to the show bible can’t be bothered to check on it.  A day where I don’t want to see the writers’ copy of the dictonary because their idea of “romantic” and “exciting” is clearly different than mine. A day without tumor-related visions being sold as the “most romantic story ever told in daytime”.  A day without praying for permanent unemployment for people I hopefully will never meet.

And I say hopefully because I seriously doubt I would be able to refrain from bodily harm if I ever do meet one Bob Guza, Jill Farren Phelps or Brian Frons. God forbid I see all three of them. 

I don’t know why I can’t kick General Hospital. Lingering affection for the level of greatness the show gained in the late 90s?  Perhaps. My unwavering devotion and weakness for the pairing of Lucky and Elizabeth, my first absolutely no hold bar full out shippage?  Doesn’t help matter for sure.   The occassional episodes that are mob free and therefore enjoyable? 

It’s not like I haven’t tried.  But much like the mob movies the show loves to rip off tell us, once I think I’m out, they pull me back in.  They tease my favorite pairing. They do a full scale old time full cast event.  They bring back Genie Freaking Francis.  They allow Greg Vaughan to be shirtless. 

But i will not deny that like many a GH fan… the show sometimes causes me to stroke out in rage.  And fold over in hysterical laughter at stupidity.  Roll my eyes at the complete lapse of logic. 

And that’s just from reading the spoilers/rumors.  Actually watching the show occassionally makes it worse. 

So in an effort to maintain my sanity…and to not overly annoy my friends who allow me to go on and on about this…I’ve come here.  Hopefully to make new friends…share new thoughts…expand my friend base….and a slight desire to get my opinion out there among a seeming sea of Jason Morgan is the Greatest squealers.

et cetera