Sarcastic Clapping

It’s clear my friends.  Completely and totally clear.  The writers/producers of General Hospital think we are vegitables completely unable to process basic reasoning.   It is the only explanation for the insanity that came out of the show and the mouth of Bob Guza today.

Let’s start with the show.  Now we’re not even going to touch the Jason “Karate Sensi” Morgan continuing adventures in jail.  Where’s he’s never been before but yet he knows all the tricks on how to survive. Which apparenlty doesn’t include keep your survival lessons to private places so the entire population of prisoners and corrupt guards (it’s GH. I’m not stupid) can see that the 18 year old is in fact as weak as he looks!  Or the fact that conjugal visits are just for married people is apparently not completely well known. 

No, as you probably could guess the stupidity that is the Nik/Liz clearly oncoming “bonding”.  Alright, has Liz been a bit of a bitch to Nik? Yes.  She has. But I maintain that if the show hadn’t committed hardcore to destorying the character for four straight years, most people would be cheering her bitching the Prince of Douchitude.  Yesterday she apologized and offered to meet him half way but re-stated she was not moving into Wyndemere.  Now she has stated her reasons for this decision has nothing to do with Lucky. It has to do with she doesn’t love Nik and Helena lives there still. Now Nik has also heard this exact same message from Lucky without prompting or persusassion of Liz.  In fact Liz doesn’t even know Lucky told Nik the exact same thing.

So what do we learn today? Nik thinks that Liz should move in because he has more money than her.  Oh and Lucky is resentful of his money.  First off I think it’s more accurate that Lucky is resentful of the attitude Nik uses with his money and that 99% of the time, when Lucky requires money…said situation is Nik’s fault. (Loosing insurance for being on probation because of protecting Nik’s fiance in stupid plan to get Nik out of jail ring bells for anyone else?)  So to shorthand this…Nik lives in Douchetropolis, Victimville and thinks his money automatically makes him a great father material.  Alfred and Spencer beg to differ.

After Liz told him to shove it…..we get Cam requesting a daycamp that is deemed too expensive. Now as someone who works with children I know that some daycamps are beyond redonkulous. ($350 for five days???  What the French toast?) However since prior to this exact second, there has never been any indication that Liz is feeling a money crunch…ummm out of nowhere much?  And clearly she’s going to invest the boys’ trust funds in that experimental drug Steven just happened to be talking about at the end of the show.  No one ever said Guza was subtle did they?  And I’ll go on a wild limb here and say she’ll loose all the money and be suddenly destitute and have no choice…NO CHOICE I tell you…but rely on Nik to get her out of this financial mess because he is just so good with his money. (Seeing a con at fifty feet however…..different story)

You know why I don’t buy this? Because I can reason my way out of a paper bag.  I know Liz’s house is paid for.  It was part of that stupid guilt gift Jason gave to make up for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to change a thing about his life.  So she doesn’t have a house payment.  We know from last year that Lucky pays for the boys’ daycare. So she doesn’t pay for that.  When the boys are not in daycare, they are with relatives that don’t charge for baby-sitting. No money there.  And contrary to Guza’s opinion, nurses and detectives make good money.  Also if Liz can invest all this money into an experimental drug, she can’t take a few hundred out for a camp?  Like Jason wouldn’t replace that guilt money when he inevitably finds out.  (And he will because he’s Jason)  And if Steven has enough money for his friend to call him to invest, like he wouldn’t go ahead and pay for his nephew (that’s named after him) to go to camp for the summer? 

There are like 95 different intelligence insulting points wrong with this entire set up that everyone can see through. But that’s only about one-tenth the amount of insulting the latest Bob Guza interview with TV Guide on Michael’s rape is.  Or the subsequent reaction of the soap press that apparently we are complete morons who can’t figure things out on our own.  (Caution…mild spoiler about Carter in the interview)

Who on Earth do they honestly think is confused by this?  The same idiots who honestly think Jason is going to die every month?  If you have watched a soap…even the crappest ones in the history of soapdom (i.e. Swans Crossing……Glory/JT 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!) you know what flinching and reluctance to get close mean. It’s like fainting only ever meaning pregnancy and brain tumor.  He’s flinching and avoiding contact even with St. Jaysus Our Savior. CLEARLY he was raped.  The only way it could be more obvious is if they made him wear a neon sign!

And then there is the “classy” comment Guza made about Michael being a good looking kid with the John Gotti of Port Charles as a dad.  First off, Sonny wishes he was John Gotti.  Secondly…..attractiveness is a contributing factor to rape?  Only pretty people are raped?  No ugly people have ever been the victims of rape?  Why hasn’t a women’s lib group dragged this creatin through the streets and tarred and feathered him yet?  For the last time Guza….rape is a crime of POWER. It has nothing to do with sex and sexual attractiveness.  Especially in the case of prison sexual assault.   Yes Michael would be targeted because of who his father is, but that’s why there this thing called protective custody. Jason’s talked about it so apparently you are aware of what it is. 

Also…love the attitude of “no we didn’t do this” /”oh my god how could we not do this”.  And like we can’t tell “ramifications three-five months” down the line means they are waiting for November sweeps to do a full reveal? Probably after Michael finds a girlfriend.  And she might want to get “closer” as it were?  

Now all this I expect from Bob Guza. After all the same man did helpfully explain to us that because Michael accidentally shot Kate in the stomach (that Sonny, Jason and Carly covered up and he was never made to apologize for ever) it was totes approrpiate for Michael to be shot in the head because we don’t want to be irresponsible about violence and youngsters on GH.  No way. No how.  But the soap press…playing along with this like we don’t know what’s going on. Many blogs have already posted about this and have come to the conclusion Michael was in fact raped. And not just blogs by pissy fans like me.  People like Sarah Bibel at Deep Soap.  SOW has it on their cover for next week.  We already know what happened. So for people like Michael Logan and Michael Fairman to act like this is  such a farrking mystery is beyond insulting.

And the same people wonder constantly why the soap audience is erroding. Here’s a clue geniuses.  We might not like it when you treat us like we believe the little people in the box are real.  We are capable of higher thoughts and we can do things like read between the lines.  We remember things like minute plot points from 25 years ago and we can find clips on You Tube to prove it in intricate, head pounding message board arguments.  We like to be treated with respect and like we do have a brain.  I know this might be an unfathomable girl concept for you but you treat us badly enough we do walk away. As Johnny so correctly observed today there is to abuse than hitting and you Bob Guza and your faithful minions have been emotionally abusing your audience for years.

{March 16, 2010}   Stuck on stupid and offensive

You know the bad thing about GH’s inability to concentrate on more than two stories for any length of time is A – there is no escape when the storylines are epically bad and B – when they are actually trying to be good, the flaws are oh so much more obvious.

Lets start with the just stupid one and work our way into deeply problematic and hypocritical shall we?

Alright to the shock of only the dead, Lucky was named the winner in this round of “Who knocked up Elizabeth Webber?”.  Which we all guessed since he’s the one walking around talking about how much he doesn’t want to be the father and all Elizabeth has been able to talk about is how much she wants Lucky to be the father.  (Plus you know the whole “Lucky is now played by Jonathan Jackson and will therefore be the predetermined winner in anything that doesn’t involve the mob”)    And also to the shock of the dead, Helena is playing paternity games in some elaborate, I’m sure will fail by November sweeps plot point of Guza’s to drag out a festering triangle just a little longer. 

Now as any fan of Helena can tell you I don’t have an issue with Helena being crafty and screwing with the Spencers.  It’s totally in her nature and right up her alley. What I have major issues with is the major players in this storyline being so brain dead that she litterally could change the test in front of them and they would still fall into her plot like domminos.  We have Nikolas, who has heard Helena’s ramblings about wanting a new heir, has gone so far as to order a second paternity test…not questioning why the test was delayed.  We have Lucky, who was kidnapped and brainwashed by Helena, not suggesting his own second paternity test.  And we have Elizabeth, who is aware of paternity shenanigns that go on at GH (as is Nikolas) , who has been told by Helena that she controls Shadybrooke who is taking this test under her real name at General Hospital while Helena is in town. 

We aren’t even going to go into my beloved Steven being bullied by her by a referrence to something we all know won’t be brought up until he discovers proof of the false paternity results and then will be blackmailed into lying to his sister by lets go with Nik since that’s the obvious choice now. (Always bet on obvious. Always!)  I wept.

All these people are aware of Helena’s reputation and no one has even considered that taking a paternity test while she is lurking around under their real names in a hospital she’s been known to run some scams through is a bad idea? 

Idiots. The whole lot of them. Cam needs to take Jake and this new baby come August and run far far away.

And now onto the attempt to be socially relevant.

I have no issues with a well written, good intentioned, well researched social issue storyline on daytime.  Because of  daytime’s unique daily serial nature I feel they are often the best tool to address taboos and storylines that often force us the viewers to look at uncomfortable situations. Because these characters are in our home every day we grow to care about them as our own family members.  And for many of us, issues dont’ really hit home until we personally experience it.  How many of us didn’t really grasp the sacrifice and unselfish decision it is to donate a loved one’s organs was until we watched Tony’s heartbreaking decision to donate BJ’s heart to Maxie?  Look at how Robin’s diagnosis of HIV has changed since it first happened.  At first fans were upset they would eventually watch Robin die from AIDS and now we have seen her marry and have a healthy child of her own while becoming a doctor.  These storylines often work better on soaps than a one hour drama or dramedy becuase the “afterschool special” feel is often not present.  (As much as I love Glee and Artie…”Wheels” is kinda a turd of an episode.)

And a subject like initimate partner violence among teens is an issue that needs to be addressed and seems perfectly fit for daytime.  It’s a storyline that necessarily takes a long time to build.  The multi-dynamics that are played in such relationships can be shown, instead of what we normally see which is the abused wife/girlfriend when she comes into the hospital and the dynamic caring doctor tries to get her to leave.  So in theory I have no issues with Kristina’s abusive relationship with Keifer and the recent beating Keifer laid down over her ditching him to flirt with way older Ethan. 

Except this storyline stayed focus on Kristina and her possible recovery from this for like a minute.  We have fully moved into “Sonny is a good dad and wants to protect his kids” arc.  Also known as trying to whitewash the fact that Sonny shot  Dante in the chest in coldblood. It’s also the start of the “thaw” between Dante and Sonny so they can bond as father and son and Dante will finally understand that Sonny is a good man who cares for his kids and sending him to prison is a bad bad idea. 

Kristina’s fingering of Ethan led to Sonny’s predictable response of immediately threatening revenge….and the painting of the PCPD as incredibly incompent idiots.  Look I’m no fan of Ethan as you all know but come on!  He was seen by multiple people at the time of the beating. Sam was busy telling him that being a con man was so much worse than being a con woman who is sleeping with a professional killer.  Not to mention the fact tha he is a doofus who’s hasn’t even managed to knock the crap out of someone who really deserves it in his book, namely Nikolas.  He’s not hit the big fat floating head people!  It’s not like Nik is hard to miss! 

Plus….look I know evidence is secondary to Sonny’s judgement but if Ethan litterally just beat her up..wouldn’t he be…I don’t know…COVERED IN HER BLOOD?  Wouldn’t her DNA be all over him?  Also..why is his brother still on this case?  Lucky can claim conflict of interest to try to get out of investigating his second cousin that pretends he doesn’t exist Michael….but he’s so clearly still on the case to investigate half-brother Ethan?

Sonny’s entire tirade to Ethan about how there is no scum lower than a so-called man who would lift a hand to a woman or a child?  Look I agree and so does the prison system pyramid of power…but really Sonny? REALLY?  Yeah I’ve never seen you lift a hand to a woman to hit her….I’ve just seen you shake them down after discovering they are wearing a wire for the FBI (Brenda), shoot them in the head while giving birth (Carly), throw money at them and make them crawl for your pleasure because you doubt the depth of their grief (Courtney’s mother), order their murder in front of a room full of witnesses (Claudia), throw barware at them (all of them really) and throw around the words “bitch”, “whore”, “slut”,”tramp” and the like so much I wonder if you are aware those words are deeply offensive (Again all of them). No Sonny’s not laid a hand on a woman to hit her…but it’s not that far of a stretch to see that he very well could.  His emotionally abusive and manipulative dealings with women is one of the reasons it is vile he’s the lead of this show.

Stories such as this are great for umbrella stories that affect the entire canvas.  But instead of focusing on how Sonny’s hatred of women has trickled down to the daughter who desperately wants his attention and has helped shaped her view that it is entirely ok to be treated exactly like this, the show is going in the predictable route of Sonny the avenging father, Jason the truth seeker who will discover the truth and save everyone and somehow making this all about how Luke and Sonny will survive this blow to their friendship….that just returned to BFF status like a week ago with no explanation. 

It is offensive to me that when given such an opportunity to impact so many women and girls in a positive manner, a chance to really take GH in a new direction and really give it’s lead actor some meaty material to work with, this show instead decides it’s best to use such an important plot to further plots of lesser impact and focus it squarely on how it will affect one man and one man alone.

In the past two days…as is typical with GH…there have been so moments of awesome and some moments of downright horror.  I think we need to start from the bottom and work our way up.

The Horror

I do not want to know what is going on there.  I think it might be safer for us all if we dont’ know what is going on there.  Is he trying to make us long for the glory days of the white man jheri curl perm?  I know Luke has a severe allergy to appearing old (at least that’s my current reason for having nothing to do with Lucky’s children.  I mean I don’t see him passing up the opportunity to tell an entire new generation that Lucky becoming a cop was the worst decision in the history of the entire world!)  but soemtimes you just got to let the fight go.

Probably Only Written to Drive Me Personally Nuts


Can anyone explain the recent bromance between Jason and Lucky to me?  In terms that involve logic and common sense that is?  Cause I don’t get it.  Look I don’t think these two hate each other. I really don’t.  But this buddy-buddy “scratch my back and well Jason won’t really scratch yours but it will appear to be that” stuff is just….insane. First off, is there really no one else in town that Lucky can spill his issues with Elizabeth to besides the last guy she cheated on him with?  You know, the one that is allegedly the biological father of Jake?  The child Lucky beleived for almost a year was his until no one could take the lying about it for Jason’s sake?  I mean I get he can’t talk to Nikolas about this.  Luke is about as unbiased as a Korean short track speed skating fan.  Ethan…well in my mind Ethan doesn’t exist.  Lulu is back to pretending Lucky doesn’t exist.  Leave it to this particular storyline that Guza remembers he freaking isolated Lucky for a decade for no apparent reason! 

I know that in Guza world all stories must involve either Jason or Sonny.  And sure if I beleived for one second Jason cared about Jake, I get the fact that he would be concerned about the out of nowhere trip to Shadybrooke Elizabeth took.  But all this discussing of Lucky’s feelings…Jason giving Lucky advice about how to handle this situation…..the two them practically getting ready to make out in front of us…..makes no sense.  Jason suddenly being cocerned for how this affects Lucky rings false since the previous two years Jason seemed to place concern for Lucky under “concern for the Qs” on his list of priorities.  Also, for all the internet chatter about how Lucky is suddenly super smart (he’s really not…its just the rest of the town is now allowed to consider his ideas instead of laughign at them), only rank idiots of the first order think the perfect person to continually confide your relationships woes to is the secret biological father of the child you are pretending to raise so no dangerous mobsters can harm him or his mother, who cheated on you to produce said child. 

Jason and Lucky being besties is like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston becoming best friends and shopping buddies tomorrow. 

So Stupid It Could Only Involve Nikolas Cassadine

I’m not made of stone.  The sight of Cam and Jake in their matching haircuts visiting the mommy will of course melt me like a giant stick of butter.  They are impossibly cute and Cameron can do no wrong.  Never ever.    But it’s the reason why they came to visit.

Not because their great-grandmother brought them.  Not because their equally awesome and adorable uncle brought them. Not because their parents talked and decided how they would explain mommy’s visit to the funny farm together in a way that is not terrifying to them.  No. They visited because their meddling, can’t take a hint uncle decided this was the perfect opportunity to make himself look like a family man and not the type of guy who ignores his own kid constantly.   

Did it cross his phenomneally huge floating head this might not be the best idea.  As has been noted many many times, Cam and Jake are young.  Very young.  And Shadybrooke is a mentally institution.  Allegedly people who are seriously disturbed are staying there.  You don’t just bring kids into this environment without consulting with their parents.  Which Nik isn’t.  He’s their non-involved uncle.  That’s it. Much like his telling Ethan about Elizabeth’s rape wasn’t his call, taking Cam and Jake to see Elizabeth wasn’t his either. I know it fit in his plan to prove Elizabeth wrong, that he really is the greatest dad ever….but mission fail Dikolas. 

I have many many issues about this ridiculous way to obvious storyline (like Lucky’s clearly the father since he wants it least, Helena will mess wiht test and Nikolas will play right into Helena’s hands so many times we’ll be demanding a DNA test on him before the new year comes in.) but if Shadybrooke is responsible for Elizabeth’s awesomely reality checking Nik about his lacking in the fatherhood department AND finally seeing through his manipulations that he used in the past to keep her near him (i.e. not actually listenign to her and doing the exact opposite of whatever she said)…then three cheers for Shadybrooke.

By the way..this was Nik’s face when he realized his oh so brilliant plan failed.

Watch out Emmy 2011!

So Awesome Words Can Not Describe It!

I admit I might be a little, tiny bit fangirl about Steven Webber.  Just slightly. And yes I have a total soft spot in my heart for his and Robin’s relationship. But come on you guys, how freaking awesome was he on Friday?

First the way he handled Patrick and Robin’s public argument? Fabulous!  (and for the record..I was on Patrick’s side for that! )  The way he just defied the natural order of things in Port Charles and boldly declared the blasphmous statements that being a mob kingpin who donated to a charity 15 years ago didn’t rate preferential treatment and wasn’t immediately shot for it?  Heavenly!  And then there was him and Robin at Kelly’s.

And he and Robin had what is completely rare in Port Charles, the start of a non-sexual male/female friendship! I know! I didn’t think they did these anymore either! While I would not be opposed to them getting romantic somewhere down the line, I love him being able to articulate Patrick’s side to Robin in a way that didn’t threaten her marriage or sound like a big strong man explaining something to the stupid little woman.  Robin was able to express her point of view without being attacked! 

Look how happy that made her!  And he even was somewhat responsible for Scrubs making up today!  Three cheers for the complete awesomeness of Steven!  Too bad the rest of the show couldn’t find it catching.

Photos courtsey of  Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

I want to give credit where credit is due…and when such an unexpectedly awesome, hillarious, snarky and truthful line occurs I think it must be recognized.

So amid the madness of the insanity of “Jason would have attempted to kill Dante in a way more honorable manner” and the absurdity of “Jason lecturing Dante on showing your biological relatives respect”….the line of the day must go to Elizabeth Imogene Webber.

Yes that Elizabeth.

Yes I find the breakdown storyline horrifically underwritten and more than a little insulting.  But if it lead to a moment like this…well I’ll give her a slight break

Liz: So you think staking a claim to this baby is kind of like staking a claim to me?
Nikolas: No, no of course not.
Liz: Are you sure? Because you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?

All that was missing from that was a loud “YA BURNT!” from a random orderly walking around Shadybrooke!

Well played Elizabeth! Well played!

{January 26, 2010}   The cheese stands alone

Let me be clear. In no way am I defending the grossness of Niz. You all know me better than that.  I am not going to try to defend Elizabeth’s actions.  There is no defense for this.    And yes I have been waiting for Lucky to call Liz and Nik out with the rest of you.  And since the days of the Jason mess I have been wanting someone to scream at Liz.

But the “It’s All Liz’s Fault and She’s the Only One to Blame”  hit parade is ridiculous.  Completely and totally.

First we have Lucky channelling Sonny and calling her every name in the book. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Tramp.  Now yes he has a right to be angry and lash out.  But when the same character called her a “lying whore” after the Jake reveal the entire internet slammed him as not being the real Lucky.    And allegedly he was showing remourse later when he was with Luke but I didn’t see it.  Classic Lucky  Spencer guilt and remourse is him about drowning in self hate.  Not alcohol.  Now let us compare with what he yelled at Nikolas…the equally guilty party.

“Cassadine through and through.”

Now I know for a Spencer this is the height of insult.  But really? That was it?  If Liz got all that and Nikolas didn’t deserve at least a “bastard my mother was right to abandon”?  Lucky was lookign to destroy them and he knows their buttons. Liz’s is the boys.  Nik’s is his insecurity where Laura is concerned.  He went there with Liz. Why the hell not with Nik? 

And lets examine the fallout that’s been Emmy baiting out there.  We have Carly declaring that Liz is now an unfit mother and Jason…..the never changing murderer for hire mind you…..should sweep in and claim Jake…taking that child away from teh only parents he’s ever known and his brother.  Cause that’s so smart.  And Carly…going on about how Liz is a nympho who’s priorities are in her pants…which make her an unfit mother. Carly.  Sitting in judgement of sleeping with two brothers. Has she forgotten why everyone fell for her Michael is Jason’s son lie so easily? SHE SLEPT WITH BROTHERS!  Half of her issues with Jax are due to her cheating on him with Sonny.  And while no she didn’t say anythign to Liz..come on. It’s Carly. She’s going to.  We all know that. 

And Lulu.

Ok so I get that as Nik’s sister she would be inclined to want to protect her brother and I appreciate the fact that she is stuck in the middle here. I do. But holy hell.  She knew about Nik’s feelings for Liz. She blamed Liz completely for them.  She made the comment that at least they weren’t sleeping together, which Nik did not correct and yet she is still furious with Liz more than Nik.  Nik repeatedly owned up to his own fault.  Lulu’s response was basically “yeah yeah….we all know Liz is a slut”.    She even was all angry about the Jason involvement….when hello she basically hand waved that away and told both Liz AND Jason that she totally understood why the Eternal One Night Stand from Hell happened.  She was one of the biggest proppers of Jiz should be together and happy.  She went off on her brother for not forgiving Liz in like five seconds after he found out about the ONS.  People who spent the majority of two years propping a couple do not get to turn around act offended by it.

Now lets move on to her confrontation with Liz…which while she confronted Nik in private….Liz she went after in front of her friends and work colleges.

Where the entire town…for no reason…just stood there and watched.  Robin..who knew about this…did nothing but looked shocked. (Why? She knew what was going on between Liz and Nik. She’s known the longest of anyone) Patrick, who’s been a good friend to Liz…did nothing. Epiphany who doesnt’ hesitiate to tell anyone else to shut up and quit disrupting her hospital just stood there.  Sonny was there because all stories must involve Sonny.  Lisa was there…well I can’t figure out why Lisa is in Port Charles in the first place so confusion over her is nothing new.    Lulu just kept going…again I don’t necessarily disagree that the stuff needed to be said and I recognize a tear a character down to build her back up storyline when I see one.  But really…I’m supposed to buy all these people..most of whom like and respect Liz even when they don’t agree with her choices just stood there? That Ethan of all people had enough sense to get Lulu out of a hospital where there are sick people and her shrieking might do damage to their recovery?    I was feeling gratitude for Ethan? I don’t want to feel anythign for Ethan other than disgust and annoyance at his mere pressence!   

And furthermore…why the feck was Ethan the only one to check on Liz?  Why not Robin who knew this was going on? Why not Patrick who’s always been a good ear to Liz? Why did no one call her brother the Chief of Staff of the hospital and tell him what went down?  No. This random still unwashed grifter was the only one to check on her?  I call shenanigns!

In one episode this show had me agreeing with Nikolas (it is his fault too and he was the instigator), Jason (Carly’s logic was so seriously flawed it’s a wonder she’s able to walk upright) and feeling gratitude for Ethan (for getting Lulu out of there and making sure Liz was ok afterwards.)   I hate all three of them and never EVER want to feel anything other than disgust and boredom from them.  Are my paranoid thoughts right and Guza does know who I am and he’s purposely trying to drive me to a mental institution?  In that case…you win Guza. I check in tomorrow.

I knew from the beginning that GH would never shove Nik under the bus. They trotted out that “going dark because of Rebecca” excuse so often it became a great drinking game!  And lets be honest…the second Jon signed the new contract we all knew Lucky wasn’t going to be shoved under there.  Come on.  We all know if Greg was still there we’d have heard about Maxie, the drugs, Sam and Sarah. We all know it.  Instead all we have heard is Liz and Jason and the Jake lie.  I knew pretty much from minute one that Liz was always going to be the one who shouldered all the blame for this. After all that’s what they did with the implosion of Jason/Liz.  She couldn’t handle the danger was the reason, not Jason’s complete lack of interest in changing anything about himself.  And I have seen a lot, and I do mean a lot of characters shoved under the bus on this show.   So all this does not surprise me.

What does astound me is the praise and cheering on of this behavoir I’m seeing. Yes Liz acted reprehensively. Yes Nik andLiz deserve to get lambasted. But that’s the point. Both of them do. Not just Liz.   Where’s the violent cursing out of Nik? Where’s the accusations that Nik is a damn poacher who’s done this twice before?  That Nik should have learned his lesson after Emily and Courtney?  That if Nik was so damn concerned about his brother, he wouldn’t have been instigating anything with the love of his brother’s life?  Why has no one brought this up!  It’s completely relevant!  Yes these words are about three years too late when it comes to Liz…as they should have come after the Jason incident.  But come on people!  They are two people who screwed up here (pun intended) and only one…the female….is getting the heat.  That’s it.  Nik is getting off LIGHT. 

So let me just say…when this type of behavior befalls your favorite character (and Liz isnt’ mine.  So dont’ go there) and you are crying out about Guza’s hatred of women…I want everyone to remember this exact week…and how loudly you cheered for it. Because it’s reactions like this…that allow Guza to get away with what he does.

How the hell have these two dumbasses kept this scecret for so long?

I mean seriously…first Nik’s instance on stalking and his thought process that apparently if he proclaims his love long enough…Liz will choose him and everything will just be grand and beautiful.  Lets ask Steven what he thinks about that.

Yeah I’m not having it either.

Then these two in front of Elizabeth’s co-workes…and with the subtle of a Gene Simmons sales pitch go off into a closet….which quite frankly they never EVER need to go in again. 

It’s no use Steven….Earth logic is far too advance for these simpletons.

Look i know its a soap and sometimes stupid things have to happen for an eavesdropped reveal….but really?  If you go into a closet to discuss how your affair is so freaking forbidden and to try to talk someone into the beleif they love you……MAKE SURE THE DAMN DOOR IS SHUT!

Seriously! I know Nik can’t see past his own nose but how the hell does Elizabeth who is the QUEEN of  “this must never ever be spoken of or discussed or discovered becuase it will destroy everything” miss that?  HOW? She is looking right at it!

Good Lord Nik’s not exactly been quiet about his feelings… it’s not like Lucky would miss Nik’s screaming.  And huge puffy body stomping out.  Or better yet since Lucky is now so perfect and awesome and all things right and wonderful…I’m sure he now has super sonic hearing and can hear conversations through closed doors.

DUMBASSES!  Holy hell they suck at the secret thing!

Pictures thanks to Lisa W’sS Soap Heaven

{December 28, 2009}   The worst of the worst…

On a board I post on frequently…the yearly thread of Your Top 10 and Bottom 10 stories has started.  And while compiling my list, I realized I would have to include my nighttime soaps (Glee counts right? Sure it does.) or else I would have no Top 10 to speak of when it came to General Hospital.  As it is I think GH appeared exactly three times. 

But I’m sure to no one’s surprise….I very quickly was able to come up with my Bottom10. Which I know proudly present to you as a belated Christmas gift from me! =)

Bottom Ten
10. Robin’s PPD being morphed into Patrick’s PPD.

Ahhh the start of 2009.  And trust me…if some things hadn’t happened in the last half of the year all of January would have been all over this list.  But really and truly the entire mis-handling of Robin’s PPD has to rank up there as one of the worst excuses of a social issue storyline ever perpetrated on daytime television.  It started out well and I could buy into Robin suffering from PPD.  And honestly, Kimberly McCullough sold her early scenes of Robin not being able to touch Emma with total talent that made you realize why she is a two time Emmy winner.  Then Robin put Emma in a tree.  And no one thought that was insane behavior.  Followed by Patrick telling anyone with a pulse who would stop still long enough to listen all about how Robin just wasn’t dealing with this and how much he had suffered and tried to be helpful….when all he had done was whine about having to act like a father, complain about Robin wanting to work and holding up Elizabeth as a perfect parent not only to Liz but in front of Robin as well. 

When the only bright spot about this storyline was the long departed Hottie Brad the Carpenter…well not much good can be said when that’s the only part I liked.

When this storyline finally ended about four months after it should have I might have done a little dance of joy.
9. Franco’s crush on Jason.

Purely becaues I dont’ think I’m supposed to find it funny.
8. The recent Lucky/Luke stuff….

Yes I saw this coming about two seconds after the Jonathan Jackson/Greg Vaughan switch announcement was made. But it doesn’t mean I like it anymore now than I did when it first occured to me.  Luke has been nothing but a deadbeat, a louse and generally horrific father to Lucky for the past decade.  He’s openly laughed at Lucky’s kidnapping and brainwashing by Helena as a “creative prank”.  He’s treated Lulu and Ethan as better than Lucky. He’s derided Lucky’s career choice and called Lucky’s selfless decision to raise Cam and Jake a “dead end life raising other people’s children.”  And a lot of this happened between February and May.  We also saw Lucky swear off his father and be quite clear he wasn’t so concerned about Luke’s asshatness for his own sake but he wasn’t about to let his mother be disrespected in this manner. 

And of course I swooned. You so didn’ t have to ask that.

Yet these days….I think I am supposed to beleive that two conversations with Lucky where Lucky told Luke off for the millionth time…that NOW Luke is concerned about Lucky. That he’s worried about breaking Lucky’s heart and that’s why he’s inexplicably keeping quiet about Nik/Liz.  All of this without one admittance from Luke that he’s been an unrepentant ass to his son and Lucky has been right about Luke being a worthless deadbeat for years. 

Not buying. At all.  However I do realize the odds of anyone else agreeing with me on this is restricted to Greg Vaughan fans.  So call me bitter. I won’t deny it. But I still say shenanigins to this whole mess.

7. Nik/Liz hook up for no reason.

I know…I thought this was going to be number one to.  No one is surprised more than me by it appearing pretty low on this list.  I have spilled much virtual ink about this abomination on our screens.  But let me try to explain why I so hate this storyline.  First it’s the disguising out and out skeeviness as a “classic soap story”.  It’s the complete lack of thought or actual story plan. Nik’s in love with Rebecca….no he’s not….he wants Liz…there’s a void between LL2…oh no there’s not….Nik loves Elizabeth…Elizabeth doesn’t love Lucky…yes she does…..could they actually write a story instead of just throwing darts at the wall?  There is the absolute lack of chemistry between Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Herbst.  There is the fact Elizabeth looks like she’s trying not to do a Linda Blair impersonation in their scenes and I dont’ think Nikolas has made a facial expression in about three years.  And let us not forget the insanity that is trying to pass as whitewashing and sympathy pleas for two characters that are looking unredeemable with every passing day.  Did you ever think you would live to see the day when this show would pull out Liz’s rape at 15 as a blatant emotional manipulation to try to get the audience to ease up on the hate?

I wept that day….and died a little inside.
6. Claudia’s murder by Michael and the subsequent stupid cover-up and assurance that Michael “did good”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not shocked by Michael killing someone. I was one of the many who called Michael “MyKill” for years all over the internet.  I just still am confused as to why this murder had to be covered up in the first place.  While I don’t beleive it was self-defense as GH believed it was, there were mitigating circumstances all over the place.  The odds of him actually doing hard time for this crime, considering how well connected his father is, was about as great as the chance of Bob Guza actually writing a decent soap opera not centered around the mob.    Does this show honestly believe no one but Jason can use the defense of self-defense or “the other guy had it coming”? 

And Michael “did good” per Sonny?  Vomit.  Vomit. Vomit.
5. The utter confusion and concern by Micheal’s family over why he’s not showing any ill effects of killing a person and why he’s so gun-ho about joining the family business.

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again…maybe if the little psycho had ever faced a consquence in his entire fecking life, he wouldn’t think being a crime lord is the pinnacle of success.  Really? They are shocked by this turn of events?  Didn’t the entire free world see this coming when Carly and Jason decided AJ raising Michael would be just the worst thing in the world?

4. Keifer/Kristina

The most mysogenstic soap on air is lecturing against teen dating violence? Michael says “Axe please!”  Until someone (besides me and Mala) points out this is just Sonny’s behaviors being done by a kid….I’m on team UGH for this one.
3. Rebecca/Nikola’s stupid revenge plan.

Let’s overlook the fact that Guza so misread the room about the anger over killing off Emily Quartermaine in an unnecessarily brutal fashion as grief over the departure o Natalia Livingston, a classic love her or hate her actress.    I won’t even get into the ridiculous history rewrite that Paige Bowen really had twins and sold one on the black market.  I will say that once again a storyline was clearly derailed by Guza’s inability to plan an actual storyline without getting distracted by shiny objects.  And for all the talk about how discovering Rebecca’s “deception” (that she failed at mind you…she didn’t actually get any money from him) would turn Nik into a dark Cassadine….well I am still waiting for him to turn Cassadine.  Helena, Stavros and Stefan probably laughed themselves sick over the idea of dating a woman and then dumping her being considered a plan worthy of a Cassadine. 

2. Lulu’s out of nowhere concern for how Dante taking down Sonny will destroy Sonny…..and her insistence on calling him officer in that full voice snark of hers while they are in public.

Man I was liking Lulu/Dante there for awhile….and then they had to go and have Lulu discover Dante’s secret of being an undercover cop. Now she’s all concerned that Dante’s misison to bring down Sonny will bring trouble. Not for Dante for crossing a mobster (they generally don’t like that) but because it would cause trouble for Sonny. Because Sonny is an “old family friend” (who hasnt’ actually had anything to do with her family since about 2005) and he like gives money to charities. 

Not to mention the ridiculous notiont that Jax calling Dante, who’s cover story is the mob lackey working as a bodyguard for Jax’s step children, is going to blwo the entire operation and not Lulu walking around town calling Dante “officer” at the top of her voice whenever she can.
1. Ethan Lovett is Luke’s son with Holly…..from around the time Laura was pregnant with Lulu and ON SCREEN all the time.

Now this is related to number 8 totally. But Ethan Lovett’s entire creation is the single worst abuse of history I have ever seen a show do.  It spit on Luke and Laura’s history, Robert and Holly’s history and the entire vieweing audience in one fell swoop.  The show acted like we should be swooning over this just because Luke was.  (The less said about Tony Geary’s obvious crush on Nathan Parsons the better for all of humanity.)  Lucky’s completely normal reaction to this was written off as jealousy over how he wasnt’ as awesome as Ethan and he just needed to get over himself.   Not to mention with all the mumbling Ethan does…it would have been completely more feasable to  make him Sonny’s child rather than Luke’s.  I though I had seen Bob Guza hold the audience of this show in contempt before…and then this happened.

So that’s it…the bottom ten for  me. What’s yours?

You know Greg Vaughan is rapidly proving to be the master of Twitter.  Starting off with a bang by describing getting sick and falling in the shower (admit it…it took you a little bit of time to realize exactly what he was talking about after that image popped in your mind), then kicking butt and killing all rumors about his character being sent to recurring/him being fired by responding directly to the rumors…and now awesomely timing his return to Twitter after some pretty ASSISH spoilers/actions that has most ALL fans begging for him to be allowed to have a real reaction…with the following message…

It’s been a great day!! Closing down for the night. Good night! Luckys time will come in due time!!KARMA’S a bitch! That’s the way of life!

Dear Greg…I love you and never EVER stop tweeting. EVER.  Don’t listen to the haters. Keep on keeping on!

This totally means Lucky is getting more than the 30 seconds the show gave him before shoving him offscreen for weeks on end after he found out about Jake right?  It also means Lucky is going after his disloyal ass of a brother doesn’t it?

As you know I have had a suspicion that part of this storyline is to allow Lucky to really get to react to this type of betrayal that he wasnt’ allowed to before.  And also it is a way, granted stupid, character destroying and completely short-sighted, to get Lucky and Elizabeth to really deal with thier issues.  (Although why this instead of I don’t know couples therapy that Lucky is clearly willing to do is beyond me. )  I never said it was a good plan or the primary plan…but it does seem to be plan B. Plan my friend Talena said is clearly “Nik: Look at me I’m Dark and Evil!” 

So here how I would like it to go….which means I completely and totaly admit that this is the last way it will ever go because Guza lives to torment me and if I say I like it….well its a guarnatee it won’t happen.

but here is what will be way better than what we’ll get.

After Lucky finds out, he cuts Liz and Nik completely out of his life.  He screams at them both, throws a more than a few punches at Nik and tells them they desereve each other.  He storms off home, and refuses to talk to anyone. not Lulu who comes to plead Nik’s case (you know she will).  Not Luke. Not Ethan. Not Rebecca who is out looking to get revenge of her own.  (She can sleep with Sonny for all I care.)  Liz and Nik agree to give him some time to cool off and they’ll approach him later. He’s Lucky. He’ll understand. He’ll come around.  After all he’s not going to abandon the boys. THey’ll catch him the next time he comes to see the boys.

The day comes…a knock at Liz’s door…and surprise surprise….Lucky has sent Ethan over to get the boys.  Ethan has a message.  Lucky will not abandon his sons but he will not deal with Elizabeth or Nik.  If there is any decisions to make about the boys, Elizabeth is to contact Ethan, Ethan will contact Lucky.  Both are stunned.  Lucky’s never done this before. And he’s talking to Ethan? Trusting Ethan with his boys?  There’s no reason not to trust Ethan with the boys…Elizabeth can’t exactly argue this in front of the boys…she lets them go with Ethan.

When Lucky does surface around town, he awesomely ignores them both. Total cold shoulder.  When Elizabeth is around, he makes sure to flirt with females near him, especialy if Rebecca is nearby.  Elizabeth gets increasingly upset and jealous lemon face. Lucky has never been this cold to her, never gone this long without talking to her.  She tries to force a converstaion and he keeps it very short, reverting to calling her “Lizzie” like he used to when she annoyed him as a teenager.  Nik continues to go all allegedly dark…becoming more and more withdrawn as he realizes Elizabeth is more concerned about getting Lucky to at least talk to her for the boys sake if nothing else than giving him attention and his ohhhh so dark plan against Rebecca failed…….to the shock of no one.

The inevitable pregnancy happens.  Elizabeth is not going to tell Nik. He’s withdrawn, unreachable, he’s dark and she’s doing what she always does when a guy goes dark…running in the opposite direction. There is no way she’s going to be able to convince Lucky to take a paternity test. She’s stuck.  She confides in Robin who suggests they compare Jake’s DNA to the baby’s.  They would be able to tell if Jake and the baby have the same father.  Elizabeth doesn’t think it will work but can’t come up with a good idea on how to explain why this idea is full of holes, so she agrees to it, wondering how she’ll figure this one out when it shows the baby and Jake doesnt’ have the same father. 

The test comes back and Robin announces that the baby and Jake clearly have the same father. Lucky is the father.  Elizabeth reads the test in shock.  That would mean….Jake’s paternity test was wrong.  How is she going to tell Lucky? There is no way he’s going to beleive her about any of this. There’s no way she can ask Robin to tell him without explaining the entire debacle the last time this happened.  Elizabeth tries to tell Lucky the truth but he doesn’t beleive it….reminds her about the last time she told him she was pregnant and how that didn’t work out so well for him. 

because he’s now dark and evil….Nik joins forces with Helena and agrees to a plan to destory the Spencers.  Deciding to raise some ghosts…they decide to burn down Lucky’s house..reminding everyone of the bike fire from long ago.  Unknown to them, the night they set out to do their plan,  Lucky is off on a stakeout and Elizabeth is at the house with Cam and Jake…determined to make Lucky listen to her and for them to fight this out for once and for all.  When the fire starts, Elizabeth is knocked unconscious by a falling celing beam.  Ethan and Luke (cause Guza wouldn’t be able to resist) see the house burnign and race in.  They save Elizabeth and the boys. Mac contacts Lucky on stakeout to let him know what is going on.

At the hospital, Lucky races to check on the boys.  Making sure they are ok, Robin asks him to come out into the hallway where she fills him on Elizabeth’s condition and the condition of the baby. Lucky protests he doesn’t want to know, it’s not his problem. Robin says she doesn’t know the entire story, but she does know that Elizabeth and his baby are fighting for their lives.  She ran the test herself.  Lucky points out he never gave any DNA for a paternity test. Robin says true…but she compared it to Jake’s…Jake and the baby share the same father. 

Discovering that his plan put Elizabeth and the boys in harm’s way, Nik is horrified. What would Emily think?  He swears off ties with Helena and leaves town.

come on…it’s way better than what we are probably getting….

So here’s the thing.  I have a long well documented history of delusional optmistic wanking thought when it comes to my shows and couples.  I have this bizarre and slightly concerning ability to take any horrific spoiler, rage about it for a few hours (or days depending), then swallow the bitter pills down and come up with some way that it can all work out to some sort of thing that would be ok.

And even though I am very often wrong and horrifically and spectaularlly so at times, I still do it.  People in the past have asked me to give “pep talks”. Yes I know its a little demented but at times so is watching this show.  You have to do what you have to do to survive it.  Sometimes its drinking, sometimes its drugs, sometimes its delusionally optmistic pep talks on a message board. 

So the fact that I thought this theory up doesn’t suprise me at all. 

So here we go….the hot topic of the moment….Nik and Liz having sex on Monday.  In what looks like judging from the promo to be  a typical Nik red light porno production. 


Oh you thought I was going to put up that beast of a promo? HA! Delusional as I may be I’m not completely cracked. Yet.

Let me get this out of the way, it’s vile. It’s nasty. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting and Nikolas Cassadine is DEAD to me for all time.  Liz too for now but she grovels enough at Lucky and I know me…I’m easy I’ll want my pretty LL2 back.   However…..

Here’s the thing.  See back when Jake was kidnapped for the second time there was a feeling that I and other viewers commented on. It felt like the writers were trying to make up for the way they tried to portray Lucky acting like a cop as being akin to being the unfeeling devil incarnate while Jake was kidnapped.  Lucky and Liz leaned on each other.  They supported each other. They banded together.  It was clear the show was trying to correct Sam’s actions from the first kipnapping but it also seemed like it was trying to make it up to Lucky.  So that got me thinking.

At the height of Jason/Liz insanity, when they were emotionally cheating all over town and Lucky’s every blessed breath was written as him being jealous, evil and stupid, the fans were begging for Lucky to have a real reaction when he found out everything. The man had been lied to for ove  a year. He had been betrayed in a horrific way and he was played for  a fool.  We begged for it. Fans went to PAs and come up with ways to tell the writers that the fans wanted to see was Lucky beat the tar out of Jason.  Greg even laughed and said “No one hits Jason.” 

And when all was revealed to Lucky, what reaction did he get? Number one – the scenes everyone had been waiting for were burried and not spoiled until about two days before they aired.  Number two – Lucky got one awesome punch, one awesomely pissed off statement to Elizabeth, stalked off and promptly disappeared for the rest of the Black/White Ball. No one even bothered to go looking for him when his oldest friend was murdered.  Number three – when he did surface he had been “around”.  Number four – he was distant from Liz while they helped Nik for “Emily’s sake” but by the end of the month, he was talking to her again and offering to continue to protect Jake and be Jake’s father. 

His reaction lasted all of thirty seconds.

So which brings me to Niz.  Now I know trusting rumors is about as reliable as trusting anything that comes out Bob Guza’s mouth, but the thing is….no one seems to think that Nik/Liz are going to be this big romantic couple.  Not even people who claim to like them.  As I have ranted about previously, they aren’t really writing this with any kind of sense, what with Nik’s constant talking of Emily/Rebecca before deciding he wants to make out with Liz and no explanation from Liz why she wants this.  The show has made no attempt (as they do with all other pairs engaged in nasty cheating) as writing the cheaters as right and justified.   The whole trust of the story is it’s wrong. It’s dirty. It’s evil.  Jason doesnt’ like it people.  When Jason has concerns, you are doomed to fail.   And all indications are that Lucky is going to blast them for this when he finds out.  He’s been picking up on things being hinkey between them. There’s no indication he’s going to be lied to for forever and a day.  Admittedly most of this is Guza’s talk of a Spencers vs Cassadine story involving the youner Spencers, which Lucky wouldn’t particiapte in unless he knew becuase as we all remember Nik and Lucky made an agreement that the feud was their father’s war.  So this time it sounds like Lucky is going to have the reaction the fans wanted him to have back then.

So maybe…just maybe…the nastiness that will have me boycotting all things ABC on Monday…is a way to allow Lucky to have that reaction.  To allow Lucky and Elizabeth to really get into this topic that they haven’t yet.  Back when all the 2009 previews were made, both Becky and Greg said in separate fan events that reuniting them was fine, but don’t just put them together to tear them apart the next time Jason was single.  Let them really work on their issues.  Which surprise surprise they haven’t.  Shocker I know!    But see in order to let them do that, you know what Guza would have to write?  That Jiz was wrong. That it was vile.  That it shouldn’t have happened. That it was a mistake.  And as we all know, nothing involving Jason is ever ever a mistake.  EVER.  Even when he’s wrong, he’s not  He is our Savior and that’s that.

But we can say that about Nik.   He’s a pet yes, but not nearly as pettish as Jason.  Nik’s storyline has been permanently in crap town since he poached Courtney from Jax.  Tumor-ghost sex people. TUMOR-GHOST SEX.   Plow patents.  PLOW PATENTS.  Not exactly storylines to write home about.  EVER. 

Now granted this does involve beleive ABC/GH has a higher opinion of Greg Vaughan and the character of Lucky Spencer than they normally do.  (usually he ranks just above gum on the bottom of their shoes.) However randomly, the only thing that eclipsed Steve Burton Contract Watch 2009 was Greg Vaughan Contract Watch 2009.  Partially because of his refutting the rumors on Twitter, but the magazines would not let it go. They followed up on it at least twice.  And that rumor pops up roughly every six weeks.  Most Greg fans don’t even pay attention to it any more.  All the stories about the hatred of the Ethan story mentioned the horrific writing/treatment of Lucky in it.  Including SID, which lets face it, is basically written by Guza and Fron’s assistants/wives. 

Look it helps me sleep at night so there’s that.  BUT its entirely possible that while I will HATE this completely the ending might not be as horrific as the two years of Jiz. Which is always a good thing.

Oh for the love of Pete!

Can GH just pick ONE crappy storyline and stick with it?

First we have to contend with the STILL unexplained ickiness of Liz/Nik macking on each other whenever they come within five feet of each other.  On top of Nik’s STILL unexplained plan to destroy Rebecca by what…dating her?  I know most of his ex girlfriends do end up dead so maybe that is the only plan he can think of but really….THIS is Nik going “Cassadine”? THIS is what Tyler and Bob Guza are trumpeting CONSTANTLY about what a fabulous storyline this is?  I have seen better explained and plotted storylines on a very special episode of Saved By the Bell

But now….now because Jason sees Lucky acting like a father to Jake in public (GASP!) because apparenlty Lucky and Sonny actually think it’s perfectly normal to bring children to a carnival.  (Just me laughing at Nik’s reaction of horror at the thought of bringing Spencer to the carnival? It was like Liz asked him to dress Spencer like a normal five year old.)  So we get the patenented eye-rolling Jiz stop and stare routine.  Gosh with such subtile displays of secrecy it’s a wonder why half the town knows this “secret” of Jake’s paternity.  How the Russians and Anthony Zaccarah figured out enough to threaten Jake and Elizabeth constantly is just beyond me.  Totally is.  Way to keep things on the downlow there guys!

But because of said stop and stare routine…Jake runs off….as a two year old at a carnival is prone to do. Really folks its why some person invented child leashes.  Now let me remind you all that Jake has been kidnapped twice. Both times when Liz was distracted.  And both times eveyrone in town all but gave up the child for dead. (although the second time did give us the insanely amusing scenes of Jason blowing up a roadhouse THEN realizing Jake was in there, screaming for an 18 month old to crawl through fire to come to him…a total stranger.  I know Jason is the Savior of Us All but really you need to be at least three to realize something so heady)  The second kidnapping was sooo traumatic…so a reminder of the DANGER that Jason lives with every day it brough the joyous day when the lightbulb finally went off in Liz’s head that hey…this might not be the best environment to raise children in (oh I’m sorry …i’m supposed to find that tragic right? Must have skipped that dose of kool aid) .

And yet in order for us to have ALL the children (except Cam and Spencer who are apparently old enough to ride all the rides by themselves.  Apparenlty Spencer kept a dose of “Magic Teenager Syrup” in his pockets)  be in danger…cause god forbid Guza write something where he doesn’t try to kill a child just cause……NO ONE FREAKING NOTICES JAKE RUNNING OFF ????

I mean yes on the plus side this is yet another thing, like global warming, my ulcer, the entire existance of the Quad from Hell and the show from 2006-2008 that I can lay in full blame on the feet of Jason…but still……

Can Guza just pick ONE crappy insulting to Lucky at all times storyline and be done with it?

et cetera