Sarcastic Clapping

In a sea of insanity….where a father who signed away his legal rights to his son two years ago is acting like he can stop an adoption (Newsflash Sonny…when you sign a termination of parental rights….it’s generally pretty final.  So shut it Weeble.).  Where a comptent (ok semi-comptent) single female lawyer overnight comes down with the biggest case of baby rabies this side of Robin Scorpio in the first season of Night Shift.   Where a hitman going to jail is considered a sacrifice…a sacrifice for his nephew while the very idea of changing anything so he could be in his own son’s life was just a completely foreign concept.  Where the response to the FOURTH request to remove your crazy-ass grandmother from your house and your life is treated as if it’s A- the first time it’s been said and B – just a fluffed up concern that’s really over nothing even though the last time you told the world you had Helena Mother Effing Cassadine under control, you ended up in jail framed for her faked murder.  And where I just watched two cops who have sworn to uphold the law debate bribing a judge because HE SENTENCED A LEGAL ADULT WHO ADMITTED TO KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN OPEN COURT TO FIVE FREAKING YEARS IN JAIL.   In this sea of insanity that is the typical daily GH grind and on a day when ABC proudly announces that James Franco is returning….and all I can see is more pretentious interviews, more backhanded insults to soap fans and the return of Franco’s obsessive love of Jason…so that just causes my head to hurt.  In all this…we need a happy place. 

And today…this show actually gave us one!

Thank you for being a friend Scott Reeves! 

Photo coursey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!

{April 28, 2010}   So worth the wait!

Finally someone said it! Finally someone in this town has called Carly Corrinthos out on her parenting skills!  After years of seeing person after person in this town tell Carly that she is the best mother ever and how awesome she is as a mother someone finally spoke the plain truth.  She so totally sucks at this job. Yes I think she loves Michael and Morgan….but lets face it. Both those kids are screwed because of her. 

And our unlikely hero? Claire of all people. Yes Claire of the bizarre diction.  Claire who’s going to loose the case because Diane’s legal argument of “Claudia was a big meanie” is working!  Claire who spent half the trial trying to prove who shot Dante, not who whacked Claudia. That Claire was a-maz-ing today.

Claire: What I’ve done? What about what you’ve done?  Do you ever look in the mirror?  What kind of loving mother supports the bastard who got her son shot in the head?

The exact damn thing I’ve been wondering for months! And she didnt’ stop there.  Oh no, our fearless Claire was just getting started. 

Carly: You don’t know anythign about me or my kids (Ed- the hell she doesn’t. I think she has you pegged woman) You’re a self-serving bitch trying to use my kids to advance your career. That makes you pathetic Claire. Not to mention heartless.  (ED- Takes one to know one there)

Claire:  That’s just rich. Married to a mobster and you stay with him even though you know you are putting your kids in the middle of all this violence?  Sonny is a criminal and your kids are safer witout him around.  You should be thanking me.

Carly: When hell freezes over.

Claire:  You claim to be this protective and loving mother?  Well you put Sonny’s welfare above your kids any chance you get.  So what is it? What?  You got so lost and caught up in being his savior that you didn’t bother to consider the danger he poses to your kids?

Day-um. I am not used to that level of truthiness being leveled at one time.  Especially not by another woman and even more especially not to Carly.  It was electifying.  It was magnificent and she still wasnt’ done.  Clearly Carly didn’t have any frame of referrence for such a brilliant attack so she was left with this comeback after noticing the picture of a baby Claire had on her computer.  She said Claire didn’t have what it took to be a mother with a look on her face that I can only describe as “Smuggy Mc Smuggerson.”

But our girl Claire…she was not swayed by such a lowball obvious tactic.  She hit right back.

Claire:  If you we’re protecting you’re kids, you’d help me convict Sonny. I’ve done more to protect your kids than you ever have


Sometimes words…truly aren’t necessary.


There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!


Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

{March 29, 2010}   Bad Romance

There is a lot and I do mean a lot to complain about when it comes to GH.  The horrifically mysogenstic spoutings of Luke Spencer last week for example.  The disturbing view that violence against women is inherited.  The nugget that a man can know his children…expect if they are girls cause woo women are just insanely unfathomable.  The fact that when there is a battle scene between Duh Face and Smirk Face…we are all losers my friends.  Or the fact that a story about a teenage girl’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend is more about her father and will it wreck his friendship with his rapist friend while her psudeo uncle wonders for the ninty milionth time if he’s going to kill an innocent person and does that make him a bad person.  Or the fact that with the amount of money this show blows on glassware for Sonny to break we probably could have kept a whole housefull of Quatermaines we know and love dearly. 

But I’m not going to talk about any of that right now.  Sure I will, we’ve got another week or two in this story before Guza tries to show us how women really are the root of all evil.  No this show has left a bad taste in my mouth due to one thing……..

Jucky. Has. To. Stop.  Immediately. 

I understand that a decade ago…Lucky and Jason were friendlish. I know Jason helped out when Lucky left home after learning about the rape of his mother by his father. Jason gave Lucky some jobs so he could earn money.  But things have kind of changed since then.  Little things really….things like…ohh I don’t know…..Jason sleeping with Lucky’s wife, getting her pregnant, helping conceal and lie about paternity of said child and basically fobbing off his parental duties on Lucky because God forbid that Jason ever try to change his life for someone. 

Maybe this is me just being an unfathomable girl but I would think such things would be considered dealbreakers when it comes to friendship. 

It would be one thing if this happened years ago….but it happened two years ago.  Jake is still a little boy.  It’s not like this occured when Lucky was thought to be dead and came back brainwashed.  Jake was conceived in 2007! And much of 2008 was Jason carrying on an emotional affair with Lucky’s wife all the freaking time.   The end of 2008 saw Jason’s rivals of the minute THE RUSSIANS kidnapping Jake becuase Jason and Elizabeth were morons who didn’t understand the concept of secret very well.   2009 saw Jason witnessing Niz making out and him not saying a darn thing about it to Lucky, despite discussing it with Sam. 

Yet every bleeding time Lucky sees Jason these days…he feels compelled to give him a rundown on his love life.  On Friday he opened up more to Jason about how he was feeling about the whole paternity shenangins with this current baby.  This is after he pretty much gave Luke the brush off on the same topic of conversation not that long ago.   LUKE!!! The very same Luke this show has bent over backwards trying to convince us in the last few months that Lucky is oh so close to again and that Lucky doesn’t shut Luke out anymore. It’s all behind them now.  Lucky confided his disappointment to Jason instead of Luke.

It’s ridiculous.  And completely out of character for Lucky to be so chummy with a guy who betrayed him repeatedly without a second thought.  He didn’t forgive Nik’s existance on the planet for roughly three years.  (I of course am still holding a grudge for that one)  When Lucky was growing up sure he hung out with Sonny and Jason…but a big part of the reason he went to them for help when he ran away after the rape reveal was he knew it would drive his parents nuts.  He first went to work with Helena to drive Luke nuts…then he joined up with Sonny and Jason to drive Laura nuts.  It was revenge.  And even then the boy scout Lucky only did legal jobs for them. 

Then Lucky was kidnapped, brainwashed and returned to town.  He didn’t exactly welcome Jason with open arms.  (And rightfully so because Jason was his main rival for Elizabeth at the time)  He continued to reject the mob affliated life his father had by becoming a photographer (so WTF….never understood that one) and then he became a cop….a natural choice for a person who was raised to see right and wrong and act immediately on that.  As Lucky said not that long ago….he sees his badge as a way to level out the playing field for those who can’t pay for justice like Sonny, Jason and his father can with dirty money.    THAT Lucky Spencer would not be taking investigationg cues from a mob hitman. 

Because that is exactly what he is doing. Pretty it up all you want with talk of “cops being allowed to seem comptent in PC” or “Lucky being smarter” or whatever excuse you want you use.  The bottom line is Lucky is investigating only what Jason wants him to investigate.  Jason wanted Lucky off of the investigation into Claudia’s murder…Lucky was able to plead COI due to his relationship with Carly and Michael to get pulled.  (Strangely being cousins is a  COI but half-brothers couldn’t get him out of investigating Nik or Ethan. Who knew?)  Jason wants to know what Johnnny is up to….so now Lucky does.   Jason thinks there is a problem with the timeline of Kristina’s story…so now Lucky is investigating his brother’s innocence.   (Although I personally think that might have more to do with the fact Jason doesn’t want to fight with Sam about this anymore) 

That is not being smarter…that’s being a mob lackey.  And that is NOT what Lucky Spencer is.

The last time Lucky was bretrayed…the show had purposefully written him into an isolated corner so the whole world would be convinced that Jason/Liz was the best match ever made.    It made some sort of sense he immediately latched onto Sam because there was literrally no one else he could talk to. He had figured out his siblings knew at least about the one night stand and said nothing to him.  His father was nowhere around. His oldest friend was dead.  His mother was comatose again.  But this time?  People know what happened and are on Lucky’s side.  They would be willing to listen to him.  His mother is back in his life.  He has a new partner in Dante. (where’s my departed Cruz?)  Luke is suddenly cool with him. He and Ethan are inexplicably friendly.  Lulu doesn’t treat him like gum on the bottom of her shoe anymore.  And yet the only person he feels he can talk to is the last person the love of his life betrayed him with?  That’s not a “Spencer edge”. That’s not being “smarter”. It’s being a bigger moron than words can adequately explain. 

Jucky must end. I dont’ care if Steve Burton and Jonathan Jackson have taken a blood brothers oath to only do scenes together. I don’t care if it’s a rider in thier contracts.  It must stop. It makes no sense and it it one of the biggest ways to destroy the character of Lucky Spencer.

{March 23, 2010}   On a mission to make me post.

You know sometimes I am convinced that the decision process among the “creative types” of General Hosptial comes down to one question and one question only.    Casting, storylines, promos, press releases are all judged by the same standard.

Will this piss off the blogging/internet community?  If the answer is yes…full steam ahead!

Because sometimes the only answer is they have to live to piss us off.

Case in point…the out of nowhere, still unexplained firing of Drew Garrett.  Now I’ve made no secret over the years of my blazing hatred of Michael, which is second only to my blazing hatred of his mother, father and uncle.  His birth was the catalyst for Guza to completely restructure this show around the disturbing premise that mobsters were the most noble of noble.   AJ became the biggest monster ever to step foot on planet Earth.   Raising your child in the mob is way better than with a wealthy, hillarious dysfunctional family.  Oh and hanging some one on a meat hook is a totally appropriate way to resolve child custody disputes. 

And Michael has been a hideous hose beast since the very second he got out of the coma.  I’ve begged and pleaded for Jason to use him for target practice.  His insisting on being mad at no one but Carly about his being in a coma was ridiculous.  I have no idea why making him face a consequence is such a horrific idea.   And I’m equally clueless as to why everyone is stunned when Michael acts like a psychopath who doesn’t understand his actions are wrong when they never tell him his actions are wrong. 

But the one thing that I have never quibbled with is the way Drew Garrett played Michael. He was fabulous. A true talent and credit to Mark Teshner’s casting genius.  he looked like he could be the son of Carly and AJ.  He acted the way you would think a child raised by two amoral sociopaths like Sonny and Jason would act.  You may have wanted to smack the ever living crap out of him you never forgot where Michael was coming from.  Yes it was Hellmouth but you still understood it.  That was a total credit to Drew.

I am not anti-recast, as my ever dear love for Greg Vaughan shows.  A recast can be wonderful. But it generally helps if the news isn’t a “here one day, gone the next.” Drew’s replacement is already shooting on set.  The show has released the same comment they did when they switched Gre g and Jonathan Jackson….and when Natalia left for the second time.  Sure it’s entirely possibly this was nothing more than a contract dispute but who isn’t gossiping about this right now?  I think no one.

I’ll say it right now…letting Drew Garrett go was a mistake.  He’s great and will become a huge star.  I have no opinion on this new guy other than his credits seem a little too Disneyfied for me to be totally confident about this…..but I’m willing to have an open mind.

One thing I am done having an open mind or hope about is this show’s continual decision to pee all over the legal system.  It stands to reason that if a show is going to center itself around criminals occassionally they are going to go to trial.  So could they possibly do the smallest research on how the justice system actually works?   I mean at all?  The jury selection for Sonny’s trial? A joke.  I know that finding an impartial jury is impossible.  and it’s hard to not throw a stick and miss someone who hasn’t slept wtih Sonny or slept with someone who slept with Sonny.  But could they at least not act like people loudly proclaiming how they have already made up their mind on the verdict is bad form?   Or that in a trial that is getting media coverage like this one supposedly is…..that the jury is sequestered? Meaning they do’nt walk around town, bumping into their ex-boyfriends and offering to talk about a trial they can’t talk about.  I know we are all aware that Sonny will not spend a single second  in jail.   But the simple fact is that Law & Order is on cable at least 24 hours a day.  If they are feeling the economic pinch over there and aren’t subscribing to cable I am willing to start a collection and buy them a complete season of L&O.  The complete series if we raise enough and go for Trial by Jury.   It’s not that hard to get the small things right! He can still make every prosecutor look incompetent! He can still selectively apply the laws! I won’t complain about it. (much….) But I can not stand this blatant insulting of my intelligence anymore!

{March 10, 2010}   Laying down the odds

It’s good to know that after a week that was hell on my tear ducts for familial reasons that when I get back to watching GH some things remain blessedly familiar and comforting.  In fact, they are so comforting I could probably go to Vegas and lay odds down it.

Odds that Sonny Will Realize He’s a Complete Douche

100-1 against


I wish I could say I was surprised that Sonny is conitnuing to take his pity train all over town and trying his damnedest to blame everyone…anyone…under the sun for Dante hating him.  Well everyone but himself for shooting Dante in the chest that is.  But when he asked Jax if Jax ever got tired of his own arrogance…and then proceded to try to guilt Olivia about her decision to not let him be a father….(Seriously?  He was shocked a 15 year old didn’t consider letting a 17 year old thug wannabe be a father?) …and not to mention trying to take credit for Dante being good in math well dear God.  The douchitude knew no bounds.  Add in the fact acting exactly the way Kiefer acts to Kristina to Kristina….well the true 8th wonder of the world is why no one has ever succeed in killing this asswipe. 

Odds that Jason Will Be Seen in Something Other than a Tshirt again.

956 to 1


I know they are at the island and all folks but I remember clearly when Jason and Sam went to Hawaii because they were all convinced he was goign to die of the brain clusters (damn them teasing me with the death of Jason like that) and he was still in that damn black tshirt.  Probably the same shirt he bought when he first went to work for Sonny. Clearly the next time Carly gets married he’ll be all dressified again and he was back in the tshirt by the end of the episode but I’m telling you…this sight first thing made me think I was watching the wrong show.

Odds Lisa Isn’t Really Crazy, Manipulative or a Bitch

75 to 1

Yes I know. Per the Scrubs fans she’s evil. She’s a manipulative skank.  She’s an interloper.  Except I’m still not seeing it.  Yeah she was caught by Patrick in her underware yesterday.  She told him she was grabbing a shower.  What exactly did Patrick think he was going to be walking in on?  Did he think she would be conducting a lecture?  Did she say come find me immediately?  Don’t recall that happening.  Is she a party girl who doesn’t like the fact that her party friend settled down? Yeah but so was Creepy  Pete and Kid Shooter Ian.  It was established long ago that Patrick has really really crappy taste in friends pre-Robin.  There is no reason for her to be Fatal Attraction.  She’s not manipulated Patrick into seeing her naked or going to Jake’s with her.  She doesn’t seem to have his kid stashed somewhere.  She’s not a failed career person. 

Maybe the reason why there has been no movement in this storyline per the Scrubs fans…is that the story isn’t the one you are thinking of?  Maybe Lisa isnt’ so much a third party out to destroy Scrubs…but a third party in the mold of Creepy Pete…a person to make us all see how wonderful it is Patrick has matured. 

I will now go and change my name to prevent my death when certain fans come looking for my head.

Odds That the Kiefer/Kristina Storyline Will Do Justice to an Important Social Issue

I’m sorry did I just see a girl trying on sexy clothes for her abusive boyfriend set to a peppy pop song?  Did I stumble into a Katherine Heigl rom-com by mistake?  And I thought this show scraped the bottom of the barrel when they did  a mob shoot set to Fall Out Boy.  Really show? Really? 

I won’t go into the odds of this show actually exploring the reality that Sonny’s abusive tendancies (yelling, throwing bar ware, liberal use of the word slut as a term of endearment) laid the groundwork for Kristina falling in with an abuser cause quite frankly not even a mob backed bookie will back those long shot odds.  I know the show’s big argument is that Sonny has never hit a woman…but he’s verbally abused them, shook them, emotionally abused and manipulated them, shot them in the freaking head and had them set up to be murdered at his request.  It’s not that much of a difference in my book. 

Plus who wants to bet that somehow this entire thing is blamed on Alexis and it’s used to make Sonny look like a good guy to Dante?  Yeah who wants a sucker bet like that.

Odds I Will EVER Understand the Appeal of Spinelli

2564564518516516 to 1

Let me get this straight. They are trapped in a storm drain…again.  Maxie is getting sick.  And instead of trying to I don’t know…yell for help…anyting other than stare at a laptop…we get Spinelli having a fantasy about Maxie telling him what a macho macho man he is?  And this is one of the root for couples on this show? 

The psychology of Guza’s mind towards women frightens me a little more every day.

Oddds Anything Will Ever Top the Gloriousness of Olivia’s Smackdown to Sonny

5161511515615311321 Katrillion to 1

Dear Lord I know that “shove it where the sun doesn’t shine” attitude won’t last but while it was going on it was glorious.  I’m not a fan of the character Olivia per say and I know she’s sleeping with Johnny so her whole attitude is a little hypocritical to say the least but I’m going to overlook it.  Because it was that good.  For someone to engage in that amount of truth telling and not immediatley be struck down in a hail of bullets just doesn’t happen on this show.  I needed a cigarette after it.  And I don’t smoke. 

Odds I’ll Actually Understand This “Story” With Ethan and Luke

Slim to None

Granted it might help if I understood a word coming out of Ethan’s mouth. Or I cared about him.  Or if I couldn’t tell that because his green card status has been mentioned an uptick of ninety gabillion times a show these days that he’ll end up in a marriage of convience with someone and then end up falling for them for real cause that’s a cliched story Guza hasn’t tried selling as new in a few years.  (Let me guess… Maya Ward? Through some manipulation of Tracey?)  But his entire storyline from the friendshp with Kristina to his “partnership” or whaterver it is with Johnny is just random.  Not that Ethan’s been anything but random since the second he stepped foot in town. 

Of course it might help if I wasn’t driven blind by the sight of this.

How do we force him to get a haircut?  Do you think if we eased up on the hating him for beign all “woo hoo yeah for spitting on Luke and Laura” he’d go?  I’m open to any suggestions at this point.

Odds I Was Going to End this Post Without a Steven Lars Sighting

Slim to None

Hello pretty!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

No this is not a rant about the inexplicable BFF-ship of Lucky and Jason. Although that will be coming. 

As you probably now saw….hell froze over and GH finally changed it’s opening credits.   Yes the daily reminder of characters and actors cruelly cast aside through the writers’ bloodlust is no more.  As is the way awesome drinking game of “Drink everytime you spot a dead/departed character/actor!”  Cause for real, sometimes being drunk before the first commerical break on a Mob Monday is the only way to go.

First I’d like to congratulate ABC on releasing these on You Tube a day early so all us bloggers/board posters can Zappruder these 60 seconds as if our lives depended on it.  Thanks for understanding our priorities! 

Now to grade this sucker!

I’ve been long asking for GH to hire some of it’s 14 year old fanart making fans to do their photoshop for them.  I see they took this advice to mean hire 14 year old You Tube video makers to create its credits.  I think I saw some of those effects advertised in Sony Vega! 

For a show that is so damn determined to be most depressing, blood-filled soap on the air….didn’t the cast pictures seem a little…sunny?  Well that and Sonny.  But really who didn’t figure he’d be first?  I mean Jason almost cracked a smile! SAINTED HITMEN DON’T SMILE!!!!!  They shoot you if you even tell them to say cheese while taking their pictures!! 

I did like the use of the actors actual names….however I still argue that if GH used it’s cast better we wouldn’t have to be reminded who half of these people are all the time.  Who else went “Matt?  Matt? OH! Matt! He’s still on this show?” when Jason Cook showed up?  (Seriously what the hell did he or Greg Vaughan ever do to these show runners that deem they never get/got used?  Kill their dogs?  Eat their children?  Be just too pretty and awesome to be real? I want to know!)

Allegedly the redone credits were so it would be easier to add in/delete cast members.  So we should in theory have no more situations where they fire one actor and leave him in the opening credits the day that his much over-hyped replacement starts airing. (Yup…still bitter!) However these credits have been finished since October per the actors.  Three cast members have been added since then.  Did you see Kiefer, Lisa or Steven Lars?  Ok the first two we could do without but the awesomeness of Steven Lars?  That is like a day without sunshine mister! It’s the end of February…these credits have been finished a little over three months and they haven’t been able to add in THREE cast members. This….could be a sad sad scary omen of things to come. 

The placement of the characters didn’t suprise me.  I figured La Familia Corrinthos would be right up front.  I knew Tony Geary would be smirking at me at the end…probably just to spite me!  It was actually pretty close to placement of the old opening really. 

But the background images.  Lets just be honest. 99% of that was background footage from the first horrific season of Night Shift.  I recognized the Sason sex SUV from the first episode.  CGI Wyndemere is quite frankly the funniest thing to ever be shown on this show outside of the Mile High Bridge of Terror and Jason and the boat.  I coudn’t even really tell you what the order of the cast was at that point because I was way too busy calling on the power of Greyskull. 

And as many have said….Faces of the Heart is the way better theme song. Period. No discussion necessary!

So attempt….B+    Execution?  D-.

Oh holy hell….

There was a time when the sight of Jason, Sonny and Carly lecturing Michael about how using violence to solve problems wasn’t the answer made my head whip around so quick I had whiplash for a month at the sheer hypocirsy of the entire thing. 

Then today happened.  And I think you all know what I am referring to….

Now first off while I agree that Luke lecturing anyone on fidelity while Mumbles Mate Spencer is still on my screen is ludicrious.  But Nik has GOT to stop throwing stones from his glass house in HeadUpHisAssistand, Diklyvania.    This is his third relationship with a woman that was otherwise involved when he decided he had to be with her forever.   He’s giving the EXACT same speeches and justifications that he gave when anyone (generally Lucky) dared to question him about pursuing married Emily or maried Courtney.   He’s even blaming Lucky in the exact same manner as when he used to blame Zander and Jax for why he just HAD to be with the women they loved.  One time in this situation I might be a little forgiving…but three times? Dude you have a poaching habit and need to find a cure.

And then…then when Lucky breaks up the fight and rightly wonders why two allegedly grown men are acting worse than his six year old and two year old (And I think Jake and Cameron totally would rocked that tag team bout)  Nikolas let loose the little gem that Lucky needs to remember that he is Lucky’s brother and he loves him.

I don’t say this lightly but you are right Jason. This does call for the pounding of the head. 

Nik loves Lucky? Wasnt’ he just trying to figure out a way to get Lucky to fall for Rebecca, dump Elizabeth to be with Rebecca all so Nik could be with Elizabeth?  And who was so beaten up about his betrayal of his brother that he loves that he uttered the words “but just because he loves you doesn’t mean I don’t get to too!”  Um actually Prince Humperdick…THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS! 

Maybe I’m being too hard on Nik. He certainly beat a hasty retreat out of the Haunted Star after that. Although I suspect that is more to do with what I suspect is his master plan to have anyone else on the canvas tell Lucky the truth except him.  Nik certainly seems convinced that if someone else tells Lucky…Lucky will be just gosh golly gee willikers willing to let Nik have at it with Elizabeth.   I thought…ok…that’s it…the clear WTF moment of the day. 

And then Luke….wondered when exactly he became the last person Lucky trusted and the first one he doubted.

I know adorablely expressive Steven without your too cute glasses!  How can he not know????? It’s not like he wasn’t there the exact second it happened.  It’s not like he didn’t have a major part in that…what with confessing to raping his mother and all.  And it’s not like for the past decade we haven’t seen Luke do things like dump the raising of Lulu into Lucky’s lap and then screeches at him when the somewhat adult Lulu makes a decision Luke doesnt’ agree with .  (Remember the fun of Lulu dating a Baldwin was totally Lucky and Nik’s fault?)  It’s not like he’s done nothing but treat him like poo on his shoe ever since Lucky joined the police force…except for the times when it could get Luke or Lulu out of trouble…then Luke is all for it. It’s not like he openly treats Ethan better than him. It’s not like he effing laughed off Lucky’s kidnapping by Helena as a “creative prank”.  And really? He thinks that Lucky’s decsion to live his life on his own terms is an act of rebellion?  Luke…that was Lucky workign for Helena for all of a week.  Not this.  Get over yourself and give that high horse you are on an apple.  He needs the nourishment from hauling your overinflated ass around. 

Not that I’ve ever liked these two characters in years……or ever in Nik’s case…..but really are they trying to outdo Sonny and Jason in the most vile character department? Was the entire point of this storyline to make me stop hating on Jason and Sonny?  In that case well played GH….well played.

But if it’s not…well Luke and Nikolas…Satan called…you two are the new Princes of Soullessness.

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

I have two sisters.  And I admit that we don’t talk all the time due to living in three different states.  But I do know the highlights.  If they’re dating someone…if they are moving….if they have taken up a new hobby….if they are going on a short trip. I basically know what is going on both their lives.

Now how is it possible that I can do that….and Lucky Spencer has two siblings (I still refuse to accept Ethan. DNA test results by text message my ass!)  who live in the same town as him, who see him somewhat frequently..and they know nothing about him.

Lulu asked her brother (off screen of course because apparently actually SEEING Lucky Spencer is just wrong.  Why it might send the message people A- know who he is, B- like him and C-he’s an important legacy character or something.  Lets not make it seem like the audience wants something other than the Trials of Michael.  God forbid I know!  ) to meet her at Jake’s for kareoke.  Now normally on the surface this does not seem like a bad idea. In fact it would seem like a fun family outing.  But let us take a closer look at the facts shall we? 

Fact one- Lucky is a recovering drug addict who as part of his recovery stopped drinking alcohol.  Which everyone knows because he told them.  And Lulu was one of the few people who visited him more than once to almost tell about Jason and Liz’s one night stand from hell…so it’s not like she’s unaware of what happened there.  Fact two – Jake’s is a bar.  Where they serve alcohol.  Again well known fact.  Who does this? 

Now maybe they have had a conversation where Lucky has said that it doesn’t bother him if people drink around him. Entirely possible.  Although how could I know this since the show doesn’t dare show us something related to LUCKY SPENCER.  Why that’s just crazy talk!

Also today Nik asked Elizabeth what was going on between her and his brother. Again on the surface a normal conversation.  However it came up in the context of discussing a most awkward kiss almost two months ago….and in a manner that seemed to indicate Nik didn’t have a clue.  When he’s seen BOTH of them multiple times since then…and in fact as mainly only seen his brother with Liz nearby. Now they maybe the world’s most amiable divorced couple….but seriously?  He would thought they would get back together during the hospital crisis can’t figure this one out?

Today just reinforced for me that really Lucky Spencer has the worst siblings in daytime.  Lulu has been inexplicably begging him to make nice with their so-called new brother because SHE likes the mumbler.  That their father wanted her to flirt with and the mumbler went along with this plan.  really?  Really?  That was forgivable behavior in this chick’s book?  She’s screeched at him she would forget him before she forgot Johnny Zaccarra…before breaking up with him months later.  And lets not forget her lying ot him for months about the Jason thing.  Nikolas barely registers Lucky exists on most days…even less if he stands a chance to get laid.  He randomly lectured Lucky on how Lucky liking Rebecca for Rebecca and not for being Emily’s clone was creepy.  This of course was while HE was stalkign her because she looked like Emily.  He knew for sure the longest that Lucky was on drugs and had access to a gun but did jack shit about it for months. And when it finally bordered on inconvient for him that Lucky was on drugs…he did two half-hearted interventions.  Sure he might have paid for Lucky’s rehab stay…but I could almost feel the eye roll on that one.  You could, and trust me I have, make the argument that Nik was a leading contributor TO his drug addiction…since the ridiculous Lucky cant’ earn any money storyline that led to him becoming obessed with being a hero and productive STARTED because Lucky took a bullet for NIK’S fiance. 

I can also tell you how both of Lucky’s addictions are Emily’s fault as well..but that’s another post.

If maybe I saw Lucky being a dick to his brother and sister, I could understand it.  But he isn’t.  He defends his sister when she does not deserve it at all.  He spent most of his time with Rebecca telling her that Nikolas wasn’t a creepy stalker.  He took responsiblity for Lulu getting pregnant and forgave her for her henious betrayal in backing Jason over him.  He’s risked his job more times to help Nik out than anyone.  And now the show feels the need to throw Ethan in the mix to rag on him for…well I’m not sure why exactly but I’m sure the show thinks theres a good reason.

Is it too late to reveal Lucky is Laura’s son with Scotty?  PLEASE??????

et cetera