Sarcastic Clapping











{June 8, 2010}   Maybe I have it backwards?

You know maybe it’s not that the people in charge of General Hospital think we’re morons. Maybe it’s the characters who are morons and the repeated dialogue is for their benefit and not ours!

Otherwise I can’t really fathom why Sonny Corrinthos is basically taking a census of every female in Port Charles over whether or not he abused them. Are we going to be subjected to this every day until he finds someone who agrees with his limited notion that abuse only happens when it involves fists?  I know self-awareness has never been Sonny’s strong suit…or even a remote possibility but still.  How many times does he have to hear that abuse is not just what Deke did before he gets it?  What does he need at this point? Cue cards? Billboards?  Television ads?  A subsciption to Lifetime Movie Network? 

Who’s he going to talk to next?  Will he randomly knock on Elizabeth’s door?  (HA! I made a funny! Like Guza’s going to allow this crazy thing called cast integration) Will he call up Maxie and ask her?  Lulu? Acutally Lulu would be relevant considering the loads of crap he’s laid on her feet lately for not daring to put his need to know about Dante above all else.  Or you know her apperant moral imperative to place Michael’s well being above say…the law.

Speaking of Michael, can he please stop monologuing on how awful prison is?  Is the concept that prison is a bad place really that revolutionary?  Given the way his entire family has avoided the damn place his entire life, you think would be the apparenlty earth shattering conclusion that it apparently is.  But no…we have to hear about it every three seconds.  I  understand this is  a hard time for him, what with being raped and not being able to say anything about it because it’s not sweeps anymore but still.  Maybe this is just the result of this show ignoring the actual legal system for the past decade but still, let’s not try to reinvent the wheel here.

However on a more positive note, I am loving the Johnny-Kristina interaction lately. Yes I know I’ve railed in the past about the illegal nature of Ethan-Kristina and how creepy I find it.  Does it make me a hypocrite?  Yeah probably.  Maybe my objection to that pairing may in fact be related to my still on going hatred of Ethan’s existance.  And yes Johnny’s pattern of Sonny hate is like sweet dirty talk to my ears.  But if this is set up correctly, I could so get into a Johnny-Kristina storyline.  Johnny swooping in to save Kristina from mean girls at school?  Sweet!  Johnny protesting to Sam that he is a good guy with morals who wouldn’t take advantage of Kristina?  I can believe that.  (Also…Sam….the last time you basically jumped down a guy’s throat for being near your sister, you almost got him killed for something he didn’t do.  Dial it back killer.) Right now I don’t get the vibe they are actually looking at a romance between them but a mututally supportive friendship that as a side benefit will completely piss off Sonny, whichis total win.  Plus Johnny carrying Kristina’s pink back pack is the stuff of teenage girl dreams. 

Just saying…the show keeps this up….you’ll be seeing them as frequently as you see Steven.

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I have to be honest that when Johnny Zaccarah first arrived on my screen, I rolled my eyes.  The “greatest mafia son” ever wind up they saddled him with felt uncomfortably familiar with the build up of St. Jaysus Our Deadly Savior.  And the love story they shoved him in with Lulu was maddening in it’s anti-chemistry.  All the constant anvils that Johnny was just like Luke.  Johnny was respected by Jason. It was like the show was telling me that I had to live Johnny because of course I totally love the two characters they constantly compared him to.

Except I didn’t like Luke or Jason.  (I know…you are all shocked by that admission)  And to be 100% honest with you, every time I saw Brandon Barrash I would flash back to his time on Gilmore Girls and doubt the judgement of someone who willingly dated Paris Gellar.    (What do you mean that actors aren’t the same as their characters???)

But then they finally broke up him up with Lulu and hooked him up with Olivia.  On paper and in spoilers it seemed random as all hell but it’s surprisingly super hot. (the fact it requires frequent shirtlessness is a plus!) And quite frankly given the number of blatant times Sonny was sent sniffing in Olivia’s neighborhood….his relationship with her lasted a heck of a lot longer than I thought it would.  But I didn’t fully embrace Johnny until he became a one man truth teller about Sonny Corrinthos. 

It started with Michael getting shot in the head and Johnny correctly observed that it was the fault of every person who took up a gun and told themselves the lie they were doing this to protect women and children and not illegal business practices.  And then in the wake of his sister’s murder, he has become a one man band of Sonny hate. Which is always the way to my heart. 

But then this week….of all the people in the town…after I had gotten to the point I was begging the soap gods for even a random day player….Johnny finally said what quite frankly this show has been avoiding since they started the Kristina abuse storyline.

Johnny: I never had any proof that your father ever actually hit my sister. I never saw it happen. Claudia never told me about it. However, there were many times I was over there and I saw Sonny manhandle Claudia. Sometimes there would be even bruises up and down her arms from where he grabbed her. And his words…Claudia would flinch from Sonny’s words, as if they were fists. You know, sometimes it’s not the actual physical abuse that inflicts the most damage. Sometimes it’s the words. And Sonny called Claudia a whore all the time; told her every day that she was nothing. It’s abuse to promise love, win someone’s trust, and then turn around and to use that vulnerability as, I don’t know, a weapon against them.

After months of walking around telling us all that Sonny is not abusive because he has never hit a woman….Johnny finally spoke the words that needed to be said.  Abuse is not only physical. It is sometimes words.  And Johnny is totally correct that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is often the most damaging. Bruises fade.  You can move away and separate yourself from a physical abuser.  You can’t always predict what words stick in a person’s psyche.  Or when those words will replay themselves. 

Kristina: I know she was your sister, but she did get Michael shot. She wasn’t a nice person.

Johnny: Okay, but that does not make it okay, the way Sonny treated her. I mean, that right there is abuse, to make the victim and everybody else feel like it’s their fault. You said that I hate your father, and there’s really no denying that. But what I really cannot stand about Sonny is the way that he plays himself off like some… nice guy, when he’s caused a lot of damage to a lot of lives. And I don’t just mean my sister. Look what you’re going through right now. Look at Michael.

Yes Claudia was a nutcase whack job of the highest order. I hated her on sight.  But it doesn’t excuse how Sonny treated her.   Plotting to get pregnant, plotting to keep him from finding out she ordered the hit that accidentally caused Michael’s coma, having an affair with Ric…..nothing there was abusive either physically or verbally.  And if Sonny had an issue with any of these, you know the other option? Divorce.  Setting her up to be murdered in front of half the town? Not so much. 

Johnny: No. I couldn’t. You don’t hit somebody you love. And you don’t hit somebody that loves you. It was sad and delusional, but Claudia did love Sonny in her own little screwed up way. That’s why the way he treated her hurt her so bad.

See how much better this message comes across from someone who realizes there is more than one form of abuse and acknowledges that his sister was a whack job?  No justifications of how it was alright what Sonny did to Claudia.  No excuse throwing that it’s the job.  Just the simple truth…you don’t hit someone you love or someone who loves you. It’s a message Kristina needed to hear the first night she confessed that Keifer beat her up and instead she heard about how Sonny would kill him if Alexis hadn’t done it first. 

Alexis: I certainly respect your right to grieve for your sister. And I certainly know how you feel about Sonny. Do you think it was a good idea to have a conversation with his daughter? It could be misleading.

Johnny: I didn’t mislead Kristina.

Alexis: Did you just tell her that Sonny abused Claudia?

Johnny: He did. That’s his thing. He degrades and bullies women. And he’s gonna keep on doing it until you people stop making excuses for him

Alexis, you are a smart woman.  You know this is how Sonny is with women. This is how he was with you.  And Sonny will continue so long as everyone pats his head and reaffirms his deluded notion that he is a good father.  Alexis, you kept your daughter out of his life for years for good solid reasons.  You would constantly point out the destructive nature of Carly and Jason’s relationship.  What did he do to you in order to attempt to get custody of Kristina?  He bullied you. He degraded you.  He enlisted other people to do the same thing.   Alexis come on now….remember how he actually is and not how you want him to be for Kristina’s sake. Remember you had to tell him to stuff the constant self pity about Deke and threatening to kill people in front of her while she was recovering! 

And God…was it glorious to hear Kristina level the truth at her father in her session.  It would have been even more glorious if her doctor told Sonny to shut it with the excuses and actually look up the word abuse.   I mean really Sonny? The doctor is brainwashing Kristina? Kristina got it confused?  Johnny manipulated the situation? You don’t have an entire organization of people that swing into action to save your idiotic behind?   And him asking Carly if he ever abused her while they were married…correct me if I’m wrong folks but didn’t he SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD?    And isn’t he still blaming everyone else for his shooting Dante in the chest?  It’s almost like TIIC heard all the criticism of this story that didn’t acknowledge the fact that Sonny was completely abusive as well as Keifer.  But I have to admit that there is a part of me that fears that even though right now…it looks like there is a very real chance we will have someone acknowledge that Sonny is in fact an abusive asshat…..there is that part of me that watches this show that feels it’s a all a set up….that it will come out in later events that Johnny was attempting to manipulate Kristina with distorted facts just to get back at Sonny.  After all I have watched this show before and seen such things happen.  Everyone vowing to change their ways when Michael was shot and the promptly changing…absolutely nothing for example.  So while I am cautiously optimistic about said truth telling I will cover my bases and say this as well.

Farewell Johnny….you were great while you lasted!



This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!



et cetera