Sarcastic Clapping

Take note dear readers if any of the following situations occur….immediately…DO NOT WAIT… DO NOT PASS GO…DO NOT COLLECT $200…immediately rethink your plan and come up with an alternative course of action.

1. Luke Spencer who for the past decade has used a grand total of ONE disguise/alias (Dr. Von Skimmerman) and managed to get kidnapped by Helena in the most wholely boring and pointless kidnapping in the history of kidnapping….who can’t remember he has more than one child and who mistakenly beleives Laura Spencer is a boring hausfrau….thinks your plan is stupid.

2. Max Giambetti….who was recently moaning about the fact he didn’t get his recently legal charge that he’s known since he was like 5 a hooker for his 18th birthday and who is single-handedly responsible for every kidnapping that has befallen his job because he epically epically sucks at his job…..thinks your plan is stupid.

3. Milo Giambetti….who does what his brother says and therefore aslo epically epically sucks at his job beause well look who his boss is……who looks up to Spinelli….SPINELLI OF ALL PEOPLE…and who seems to have the social skills of a flea….thinks your plan is stupid.

This think tank of genius is almost spelling it directly out for Sonny that his latest half-cocked revenge scheme is going to epically fail!  THESE THREE!  If any of these three told me the sky is blue I would question it myself first and we are all in agreement here.  In the history of Sonny’s dumb ideas which include shooting into the room where he knew his pregnant wife was being held, using the “funeral” of his son to cover up his retaliation hit on the family everyone knew he held responsible for Michael’s “death”, getting Michael shot because he didn’t take bodyguards to the warehouse, not understanding the concept of abuse and not to mention the cover up of a crime that would have been ruled JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE and resulted in no jail time for his son…this HAS to rank as his dumbest.

No one is going to be suspicious of a CAR BOMB Sonny?  Ok yes I know it’s the PCPD but it now has Super Cop Dante and Super Cop Lucky.  They’ll at least be suspicous for a few days!

No one is going to think you would do this because of what happened to Lily?  That might work if Idon’t know…you got out of the fecking business then you numbnuts!

No is going to think…”huh similar car bomb to what took out Lily Corrinthos…lets check that out”? 

When the brain damaged hitman is clearly the brains of the operation…..things are very wrong in Whoo-ville.

{May 27, 2010}   Crystal blue confusion….

I admit that I am a blonde who’s hair has gone darker as I have gotten older.  So I am no stranger to sterotypical stupid moments where I forget something basic or say something horrifically dumb. Add into this mix the fact I am basically shy and highly prone to embarrassment and you’ll understand why I have taken to the internet to express myself.  (It admittedly doesn’t explain why I have always worked retail jobs that kinda depend on being outgoing and friendly but that’s why there’s therapy people!)  The point of my sharing is to admit that I have come to expect a fair bit of confusion to occur in my daily life and Lord knows since I watch GH, my soap as well.   And usually, there’s one..just one storyline where while it might make me want to spit nails in hatred, at least it makes sense. 

And then there are weeks like the past few on GH.  Where nothing makes sense!

Lets start with the big kettle of fish…The Terribly True Adventures of Guilty but Should Get a Free Pass Michael in Pentonville.  You all did you know prison was a bad place???  It’s completely new to me!  Why people who go there are bad…and like committed crimes….well not like Michael heroically commiting crimes but like the crimes that the enemies of Sonny always commit to take down Sonny.  Thank you Bob Guza for committing such a valuable public service to tell us that prisons are filled with criminals, corrupt guards and rapists.  Cause I’d never know.

And speaking of rapist…..Michael was raped show. We get it.  We the audience figured it out.  We’ve seen a soap before so we know that scrambling away from someone when they touch you is the sign of rape, much like fainting always only means pregnancy.  And I will admit that a well written, thoughtful portrayal of a man struggling with a sexually based attack, trying to come to terms with what not only his victimization but what it says about his sexuality would be groundbreaking.  However considering when Jax was chained spread eagle to a bed while he was kidnapped and forced to sleep with Irina because she threatened to kill Carly, I’m throughly confused as to why we are going down this well with Jason clearly going to end up being Michael’s trusted confidant (because again I have watched this show before) when the same situation happened to Jax….Jason laughed at it.   Giggled the entire time at the very idea that. So when he inevitably becomes sad panda over what has befallen Michael….I’m going to spend roughly 99% of the time wondering if he’s going to go to Jax and apologize for being such a dickwad.  And I know that’s not going to happen so that makes me  more confused as to why I’m supposed to find this dunderhead a hero in the first place!

Plus if the intent of the show is merely to inspire blog posts and internet discussions about whether or not GH would go that route and this is all an elaborate “gotcha” well I have to give an F on it.   It sends a dangerous message much like their notion that abuse is only physical.  This does happen in our society and I think it could be a potentially fantastic storyline to explore.  But to use it as a titliating buzz piece is just wrong.  Go there or don’t but don’t use it as a tease. 

Also speaking of Michael, if someone can explain to me why if Sonny goes to jail, everyone thinks Michael will go free I would be excellent.   I understand the concept of no politician wanting to help the son of a known gangster get out of trouble lest they seem soft on crime.  That makes total sense.  And I have no issues with people wanting to put Sonny in jail. Gold star for admittedly futile efforts there.  But why would Sonny going to jail clear the way for Michael to get out?  I mean know he’s going to get out but what politician would work overtime to free an 18 year old who admitted in open court that he killed a woman, participated in a cover up, fled the country to avoid prosecution and knew all of it was wrong?  Politicians won’t get involved in cases of women serving insane prison terms because their boyfriends made them unwilling drug mules but because Michael, who admitted to killing  a woman and was given the minimum sentence as a freaking gift since everything that backed up his claim of “self defense” (which is still a crock of crap.  Justifiable homicide sure but it wasn’t self defense)  was destroyed they will?  I can live in the Never Never Land they do cause clearly it’s some kind of wonderland.

Now between Claire’s self admitted baby rabies and Sonny’s status as Sperminator of Port Charles, I am deeply terrified that we are well on our way to the arrival of Sonny’s ninth child.    So in theory I have no issue with Lucky giving Claire the rundown on all the brunettes who have failed to take down Sonny but ended up in his bed.  And while I recognize a “wink wink nudge nudge” metajoke when I see one but when Lucky name dropped Hannah only one thought ran through my mind.  “Yeah I know she’s on the list and all but holy hell Detective weren’t you presumed dead, kidnapped and brainwashed through most of her time in Port Charles?  What you weren’t allowed to remember your family at all but worrying about Sonny’s love life was A-Ok as far as Helena was concerned? What the hell type of evil plot is that?” (Also pointing out the repeated nature of these storylines does not mean I’m not going to totally make fun of it if/when this storyline kicks in there show.  Nice try!) 

But then again….when you consider the “brillance” of Helena’s latest plot is it any wonder one of her most famous capers now doesnt’ seem to make much sense in light of that rundown?  For as many times as the show has promised us Helena will reveal her evil plan…I’m still waiting.  Also..Helena disappeares and it never occurs to Nik to check Greece?  Much like Luke’s dreaded Dr. Von Skimmerman “disguise”….Greece has only been her immediate choice of hiding place since well FOREVER.  And how did Luke know A – Helena wasn’t in town and B – was in Greece?  He didn’t check Wyndemere? Pay Nik a visit? Attempt to bribe Alfred? (You know Alfred is totally on Helena’s payroll.  You just know.)  Also still wondering why Nik is being so threatened by information he’s known since roughly 1998 and manipulation he’s seen no evidence of at all.  It would make way more sense if he was being bitchy to Lucky if I don’t know he overheard Lucky and Liz having a mature, supportive discussion or seen Liz asking Lucky to help her with Helena but he hasn’t.   And while I know Helena’s entire plan hinges on all three of them being at odds so she can work….I’m still stuck on what exactly her plan will accomplish and then we’ve entered the vicious cycle of hell and I want to get off this sick cycle carosel!

Alas it’s not just Luke and Lucky stuck in crazy cakes land. Now while Lulu is admittedly a moron of the highest order for trusting Carly one wit after Carly basically blamed her for global warming and all but well she is Lulu.  And it’s not even her I’m all that confused by. No it’s Brooklynn.  I don’t want to hate a Q but I fear I will with this.  She’s in credit trouble and yet I’m supposed to believe neither Ned or Lois is aware of this? HA!  Or that Edward doesnt’ pay like double that amount to keep himself in jaunty hats? Or that the Qs wouldnt’ rally to help her and bring her back under their roof to save her if they got any whiff of issues with Brooklyn? Or that Brooklyn could be in town for like two weeks and the Qs would not have descended on her and Edward force her to move back in as his great-granddaughter?  But all that’s kid’s play compared to the real confusion.

What in the name of Greg Vaughan did she do to her face?  It’s non-moving. It’s scary. It’s distracting.

And Patrick..oh Patrick…when did you regress to your daughter’s age?  What the hell was that today?  He’s the only one who can do any surgery?  I’m not complaining about the subsequent Robin defending Steven as awesome…but my god he was a whiney cry baby today over nothing.  And I’m sorry to the many Scrubs fans out of there…I am still not seeing how this is the start of Lisa being Fatal Attraction.   This is Patrick being a whiney bitch.

Normally I would write off this confusion as the results of a week that was too much work and not enough sleep but I really don’t think it is!

{April 23, 2010}   And back to reality

Well that was short lived. Even by GH standards. 

I had one near historic day of finding three positive things that I could not bitch about in one episode, something that hasn’t happened since a certain fairytail wedding in 2005 mnd you. (Although I’m sure GH thinks we are all now convinced we hallucinated that) And then today happened.  It’s like the GH gods knew I might turn the corner to like some things and went oh no you don’t.  Because today’s show made me beleive Guza is out to kill me via rage-induced airway constriction.  Or he really wants me to have upgrade my TV and is therefore committed to causing me to break mine via thrown chair.  It’s one or other.

You know I understand…well not really but I try to sometimes follow the Bob logic…that Jason, even though he is an unrepentant hitman who makes his living killing people and placing everything and everyone he allegedly loves, is the hero of the show.  And therefore his actions are generally justifiable and well since this is Guza, completely right and moral.   St. Jaysus of the Holy Silencer is never wrong.  Except……..

Today while he broke into Dante’s apartment (Dante’s a cop by the way) to look for Michael (cause Dante follows the Sonny moron code of hiding someone in the most obvious place in the world?) he heard a noise and drew his gun.  Now assuming he thought it was Dante coming home….he was drawing his gun on a cop.  As it was, he drew his gun on a…wait for it cause it is so genius….FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.  Yes Claire is clearly going to lose this case beacuse of course no one wins against Diane’s brilliant legal reasoning of “the prosecutor is a meanie and the victim was an even bigger meanie and they are all jealous of how awesome my client is”  but still she is still a sworn upholder of the law.  And she did nothing to Jason.  Claire even figured out Jason was probably going to kill Dante, granted not hard since that is like 95% of Jason’s dialogue these days but she did nothing. Didn’t even threaten him with arrest.  You know I can suspend disbelief with the best of them…but it’s hard as hell to think Claire is going to put Sonny in jail when she can’t even take a golden opportunity to arrest and prosecute Jason on attempted murder!  (Hell if the standard defense strategy is to say all charges are trumped up on this show….lets really make it happen!)

If only that was the only thing that made me scream.  Oh if only. 

I have made no secret of the fact I can not stand Spinelli. He’s annoying.  His speaking habits are no longer funny and are seriously cause for a riot. Spixie is one of the single most irritating couples ever foisted on the viewing masses.  And yet I do realize I’m supposed to root for and sympathize with Spinelli. Find him funny.  Find his friendship with/slavish affection for Jason adorable and not completely disturbing.  So why, dear readers, why the hell if they want me to like this character so badly, do they do things like have him pontificate that even though he knew by giving Sonny/Jason information about Dante was setting up a murder and even though he knew Lulu cared for Dante and was worried….that he had no regrets about passing on the information.  That’s right folks….today GH preached that setting up a murder attempt was no big, even if a good friend of yours is going to be crushed.  Ladies and gentlemen…..your up and coming hero! 

If only this facial expression meant Maxie realized she had made a horrible choice in befriending these goobers and she needed to run to Mac and beg his forgiveness for his righteous Spinelli hate.  But I know….I know…I am not that lucky at all.

Look everyone…it’s Luke starting to figure out the world’s most obvious paternity switch!

Look…three seconds later Luke is completely distracted and will forget about this until, well at least May sweeps starts.

Although…hey Skye! How you doin?  Now can you explain where in the hell your daughter is please????????

I’m not even going to bother talking about Carly and Jax’s umpteenth fight about how everything bad in Sonny’ s life is Jax’s fault or Olivia and Carly’s snipefest at each other today. Mainly cause Carly and Jax will have the exact same argument next week. (Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?) and quite frankly my ears are still bleeding from all the screeching.   I am also not going to bother discussing the jury deliberations becuase jury deliberations are boring as hell and I still can’t understand why these writers think “comedic” and “nail-biting suspense”  are the same thing.  Or why they continue to think I’ll ever be worried about Sonny or Jason actually being convicted of crimes. As if! 

Dear Lulu,

Iif you could find time in your busy schedule of hating Sonny and being cute with Dante to actually remember the fact you are in fact a Spencer, it would be great. You see a Spencer wouldn’t have trusted Michael, Carly’s son mind you, to stay put at all.  A Spencer would have also realized Maxie has one of the worst track records in the world when it comes to keeping quiet with things that affect Jason and Spinelli.  (Well at least in regards to not telling them. Now you were perfectly right to be confident she wouldnt’ call Mac)  Did you perhaps take the same idiot pills Helena slipped the rest of your family to  make her latest “plan” work?  Just wondering.



Now it’s been a week and I feel I must weight in on the hot topic of the moment. NuMichael.  Yes the timing of the recast was jarring and I too had to remind myself that it actually was Michael confessing to Dante and not Spinelli’s here-to-unknown brother.  (Oh like you didn’t notice the resemblance!)  And I still don’t understand why they fired Drew Garret so rapidly.  But Chad Duell has won me over. And for one simple fact.

He’s a freaking giant!  He has to be pushing six feet right?  I recognized the shoulder-haunch-to-hide-the-fact-I’m-taller-than-everyone pose from Jason Thompson’s scenes with Scott Reeves! 

He’s so much taller than Dante you can tell it when they are sitting!  I am actually salivating in glee for Sonny/Michael scenes.  Because they will be hysterical for the either A – the way obvious height difference or B- the way obvious ways this inept show will try to hide it.  It’s going to be epic and give us all hours of fun and hillarious screencaps to treasure forever!  So for that admittedly shallow, Sonny-hating reason….I’m digging this recast!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

First off I must apologize for neglecting you all this week shamelessly.  I had an unexpected tragedy in my family that required me to go back home to deal but I am back and ready to start dealing with the daily nightmare that is GH.

I must say though that I did have a few small moments of glee today.  And surprisingly it did not involve watching “The Power of Madonna” for the 90th time today.    Plus…in a completely shocking turn of events….neither of these events involved Steven Webber!  I know! I didn’t think it was possible either.

Let us start with the most obvious and clearly most deserving of thanks…..we have not been cursed with Jucky in almost two weeks. Oh sure I know that I still have tomorrow and clearly who else will Lucky confide his concerns about Elizabeth and her growing closeness with MCP to?  But with Michael missing the fact that Jason has not called Lucky 24-7 to get him to find Michael makes me smile hugely. 

And in a move I’ve only been asking for since….well she appeared lets be honest….finally someone realized that Helena’s interest in keeping Elizabeth and Lucky apart (so she can raise the newest Cassadine) is more than a little off.  Even more shocking for me…the fact the person was Luke made me grin.  LUKE MADE ME GRIN!  Seriously I did not think it was possible.

So the closing arguments were beyond stupid and Diane’s basically amounted to “Claire is a mean mean person and Claudia is a meaner person who deserved it”.    And yes I will pray for death because seriously they are insisting on showing jury deliberations….but still I did do a dance of joy over the closing arguments which means we are thismuch closer to ending this entire farce of a trial for good!  Who doesn’t get a small flutter of happiness over that? 

So three things….three things that made me happy that involved GH….and I thought those days were over!

There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!


Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

{March 24, 2010}   4th grade drop outs…

Is anyone else wondering if in fact the writers of GH are really 4th grade drop outs and had their moms fake a resume to get them off the couch and out of the house?  Cause really it would explain oh so much. 

For example it would explain why they have an…….interesting….yeah that’s what we’ll call it…interesting view of genetics.  The first clue should have been during the entire Jake’s paternity debacle when everyone and their mother would comment about how Jake had blue eyes and of course that meant Jason was his father.  Except you know…Liz has blue eyes. And the only Spencer relative that I can think of that has dark eyes is Nik….and you all know how often I want to think of him.  So clearly there are other possibilities for where Jake got blue eyes from. (related…could GH higher a child actor with blue eyes if they were going to keep this up?  Just saying it would help.) 

And today I learned all sorts of things for how genetics work. Like for example, if you share Sonny’s DNA you automatically love him and want to protect him.  Really Sonny? The way you’ve been hounding him to protect Michael and you thought his testimony was to protect you?  I’m not surprised Sonny made it all about him…that’s encoded on his DNA, RNA and tattooed on his forehead.  But that wasnt’ even the most facinating thing we learned today. 

You all….violence is herditary!   And suspecting someone could have beaten a teenage girl is totally cool if your shared father once raped your mother!  Especially if your father knew that this random stranger was your half-brother because they are so much alike!  It makes total and complete sense!  I already had a headache by the time Lulu dropped that knowledge.  What?  I’m not opposed to Ethan finding out about the rape of Laura. All of Luke’s kids have to do it and hell I suggested this exact idea when Ethan first showed up and was all Wondery McWonder as to why Luke and Lucky weren’t close anymore!   And I understand the longstanding statement that Tony Geary hates to go back to that storyline again and again, thus allowing Lulu to accept in the space of 9 hours or so what it took her brother months to accept. And I’m sure by Friday Ethan will be perfectly fine with Luke.  But holy hell they had perfectly organic chances to drop this knowledge on Ethan months ago….and they choose this ham-fisted ridiculous genetic lesson as the way to do it!

The writers dropping out of 4th grade would also explain why they can’t be bothered to check Law & Order for some basic courtroom facts.  It’s completely on past their bed time! It all makes sense now!  A high profile murder case and the jury isn’t sequestered?  The media is trying to sway the non-sequestered jury so it’s up to Sonny’s friends to find the individiual jurors and explain Sonny’s good side to him?  Non-sequestered jurors can go to work and serve witnesses in the case they are deciding?  I….just…..huh? 

It would also explain how Carly can make gigantic leaps of thinking and this one time actually be right! Kids make huge leaps all the time!  While I’m glad someone finally remembered Kristina has a boyfriend and he’s not exaclty been sugar and spice to her all the time…and no I’m not surprised Carly figured this out…..really?  She just remembered it and immediately went “Keifer! It was Keifer!” 

Maybe it might enhance my enjoyment of this show oh so much more if I just remind myself its written by a bunch of adults who are arrested emotionally at age 11?  I work with 11 year olds! I can understand them!  I find their creativity enjoyable!  ohh that might lead to optimism…..what a scary concept to consider!

{March 10, 2010}   Laying down the odds

It’s good to know that after a week that was hell on my tear ducts for familial reasons that when I get back to watching GH some things remain blessedly familiar and comforting.  In fact, they are so comforting I could probably go to Vegas and lay odds down it.

Odds that Sonny Will Realize He’s a Complete Douche

100-1 against


I wish I could say I was surprised that Sonny is conitnuing to take his pity train all over town and trying his damnedest to blame everyone…anyone…under the sun for Dante hating him.  Well everyone but himself for shooting Dante in the chest that is.  But when he asked Jax if Jax ever got tired of his own arrogance…and then proceded to try to guilt Olivia about her decision to not let him be a father….(Seriously?  He was shocked a 15 year old didn’t consider letting a 17 year old thug wannabe be a father?) …and not to mention trying to take credit for Dante being good in math well dear God.  The douchitude knew no bounds.  Add in the fact acting exactly the way Kiefer acts to Kristina to Kristina….well the true 8th wonder of the world is why no one has ever succeed in killing this asswipe. 

Odds that Jason Will Be Seen in Something Other than a Tshirt again.

956 to 1


I know they are at the island and all folks but I remember clearly when Jason and Sam went to Hawaii because they were all convinced he was goign to die of the brain clusters (damn them teasing me with the death of Jason like that) and he was still in that damn black tshirt.  Probably the same shirt he bought when he first went to work for Sonny. Clearly the next time Carly gets married he’ll be all dressified again and he was back in the tshirt by the end of the episode but I’m telling you…this sight first thing made me think I was watching the wrong show.

Odds Lisa Isn’t Really Crazy, Manipulative or a Bitch

75 to 1

Yes I know. Per the Scrubs fans she’s evil. She’s a manipulative skank.  She’s an interloper.  Except I’m still not seeing it.  Yeah she was caught by Patrick in her underware yesterday.  She told him she was grabbing a shower.  What exactly did Patrick think he was going to be walking in on?  Did he think she would be conducting a lecture?  Did she say come find me immediately?  Don’t recall that happening.  Is she a party girl who doesn’t like the fact that her party friend settled down? Yeah but so was Creepy  Pete and Kid Shooter Ian.  It was established long ago that Patrick has really really crappy taste in friends pre-Robin.  There is no reason for her to be Fatal Attraction.  She’s not manipulated Patrick into seeing her naked or going to Jake’s with her.  She doesn’t seem to have his kid stashed somewhere.  She’s not a failed career person. 

Maybe the reason why there has been no movement in this storyline per the Scrubs fans…is that the story isn’t the one you are thinking of?  Maybe Lisa isnt’ so much a third party out to destroy Scrubs…but a third party in the mold of Creepy Pete…a person to make us all see how wonderful it is Patrick has matured. 

I will now go and change my name to prevent my death when certain fans come looking for my head.

Odds That the Kiefer/Kristina Storyline Will Do Justice to an Important Social Issue

I’m sorry did I just see a girl trying on sexy clothes for her abusive boyfriend set to a peppy pop song?  Did I stumble into a Katherine Heigl rom-com by mistake?  And I thought this show scraped the bottom of the barrel when they did  a mob shoot set to Fall Out Boy.  Really show? Really? 

I won’t go into the odds of this show actually exploring the reality that Sonny’s abusive tendancies (yelling, throwing bar ware, liberal use of the word slut as a term of endearment) laid the groundwork for Kristina falling in with an abuser cause quite frankly not even a mob backed bookie will back those long shot odds.  I know the show’s big argument is that Sonny has never hit a woman…but he’s verbally abused them, shook them, emotionally abused and manipulated them, shot them in the freaking head and had them set up to be murdered at his request.  It’s not that much of a difference in my book. 

Plus who wants to bet that somehow this entire thing is blamed on Alexis and it’s used to make Sonny look like a good guy to Dante?  Yeah who wants a sucker bet like that.

Odds I Will EVER Understand the Appeal of Spinelli

2564564518516516 to 1

Let me get this straight. They are trapped in a storm drain…again.  Maxie is getting sick.  And instead of trying to I don’t know…yell for help…anyting other than stare at a laptop…we get Spinelli having a fantasy about Maxie telling him what a macho macho man he is?  And this is one of the root for couples on this show? 

The psychology of Guza’s mind towards women frightens me a little more every day.

Oddds Anything Will Ever Top the Gloriousness of Olivia’s Smackdown to Sonny

5161511515615311321 Katrillion to 1

Dear Lord I know that “shove it where the sun doesn’t shine” attitude won’t last but while it was going on it was glorious.  I’m not a fan of the character Olivia per say and I know she’s sleeping with Johnny so her whole attitude is a little hypocritical to say the least but I’m going to overlook it.  Because it was that good.  For someone to engage in that amount of truth telling and not immediatley be struck down in a hail of bullets just doesn’t happen on this show.  I needed a cigarette after it.  And I don’t smoke. 

Odds I’ll Actually Understand This “Story” With Ethan and Luke

Slim to None

Granted it might help if I understood a word coming out of Ethan’s mouth. Or I cared about him.  Or if I couldn’t tell that because his green card status has been mentioned an uptick of ninety gabillion times a show these days that he’ll end up in a marriage of convience with someone and then end up falling for them for real cause that’s a cliched story Guza hasn’t tried selling as new in a few years.  (Let me guess… Maya Ward? Through some manipulation of Tracey?)  But his entire storyline from the friendshp with Kristina to his “partnership” or whaterver it is with Johnny is just random.  Not that Ethan’s been anything but random since the second he stepped foot in town. 

Of course it might help if I wasn’t driven blind by the sight of this.

How do we force him to get a haircut?  Do you think if we eased up on the hating him for beign all “woo hoo yeah for spitting on Luke and Laura” he’d go?  I’m open to any suggestions at this point.

Odds I Was Going to End this Post Without a Steven Lars Sighting

Slim to None

Hello pretty!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

In the past two days…as is typical with GH…there have been so moments of awesome and some moments of downright horror.  I think we need to start from the bottom and work our way up.

The Horror

I do not want to know what is going on there.  I think it might be safer for us all if we dont’ know what is going on there.  Is he trying to make us long for the glory days of the white man jheri curl perm?  I know Luke has a severe allergy to appearing old (at least that’s my current reason for having nothing to do with Lucky’s children.  I mean I don’t see him passing up the opportunity to tell an entire new generation that Lucky becoming a cop was the worst decision in the history of the entire world!)  but soemtimes you just got to let the fight go.

Probably Only Written to Drive Me Personally Nuts


Can anyone explain the recent bromance between Jason and Lucky to me?  In terms that involve logic and common sense that is?  Cause I don’t get it.  Look I don’t think these two hate each other. I really don’t.  But this buddy-buddy “scratch my back and well Jason won’t really scratch yours but it will appear to be that” stuff is just….insane. First off, is there really no one else in town that Lucky can spill his issues with Elizabeth to besides the last guy she cheated on him with?  You know, the one that is allegedly the biological father of Jake?  The child Lucky beleived for almost a year was his until no one could take the lying about it for Jason’s sake?  I mean I get he can’t talk to Nikolas about this.  Luke is about as unbiased as a Korean short track speed skating fan.  Ethan…well in my mind Ethan doesn’t exist.  Lulu is back to pretending Lucky doesn’t exist.  Leave it to this particular storyline that Guza remembers he freaking isolated Lucky for a decade for no apparent reason! 

I know that in Guza world all stories must involve either Jason or Sonny.  And sure if I beleived for one second Jason cared about Jake, I get the fact that he would be concerned about the out of nowhere trip to Shadybrooke Elizabeth took.  But all this discussing of Lucky’s feelings…Jason giving Lucky advice about how to handle this situation…..the two them practically getting ready to make out in front of us…..makes no sense.  Jason suddenly being cocerned for how this affects Lucky rings false since the previous two years Jason seemed to place concern for Lucky under “concern for the Qs” on his list of priorities.  Also, for all the internet chatter about how Lucky is suddenly super smart (he’s really not…its just the rest of the town is now allowed to consider his ideas instead of laughign at them), only rank idiots of the first order think the perfect person to continually confide your relationships woes to is the secret biological father of the child you are pretending to raise so no dangerous mobsters can harm him or his mother, who cheated on you to produce said child. 

Jason and Lucky being besties is like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston becoming best friends and shopping buddies tomorrow. 

So Stupid It Could Only Involve Nikolas Cassadine

I’m not made of stone.  The sight of Cam and Jake in their matching haircuts visiting the mommy will of course melt me like a giant stick of butter.  They are impossibly cute and Cameron can do no wrong.  Never ever.    But it’s the reason why they came to visit.

Not because their great-grandmother brought them.  Not because their equally awesome and adorable uncle brought them. Not because their parents talked and decided how they would explain mommy’s visit to the funny farm together in a way that is not terrifying to them.  No. They visited because their meddling, can’t take a hint uncle decided this was the perfect opportunity to make himself look like a family man and not the type of guy who ignores his own kid constantly.   

Did it cross his phenomneally huge floating head this might not be the best idea.  As has been noted many many times, Cam and Jake are young.  Very young.  And Shadybrooke is a mentally institution.  Allegedly people who are seriously disturbed are staying there.  You don’t just bring kids into this environment without consulting with their parents.  Which Nik isn’t.  He’s their non-involved uncle.  That’s it. Much like his telling Ethan about Elizabeth’s rape wasn’t his call, taking Cam and Jake to see Elizabeth wasn’t his either. I know it fit in his plan to prove Elizabeth wrong, that he really is the greatest dad ever….but mission fail Dikolas. 

I have many many issues about this ridiculous way to obvious storyline (like Lucky’s clearly the father since he wants it least, Helena will mess wiht test and Nikolas will play right into Helena’s hands so many times we’ll be demanding a DNA test on him before the new year comes in.) but if Shadybrooke is responsible for Elizabeth’s awesomely reality checking Nik about his lacking in the fatherhood department AND finally seeing through his manipulations that he used in the past to keep her near him (i.e. not actually listenign to her and doing the exact opposite of whatever she said)…then three cheers for Shadybrooke.

By the way..this was Nik’s face when he realized his oh so brilliant plan failed.

Watch out Emmy 2011!

So Awesome Words Can Not Describe It!

I admit I might be a little, tiny bit fangirl about Steven Webber.  Just slightly. And yes I have a total soft spot in my heart for his and Robin’s relationship. But come on you guys, how freaking awesome was he on Friday?

First the way he handled Patrick and Robin’s public argument? Fabulous!  (and for the record..I was on Patrick’s side for that! )  The way he just defied the natural order of things in Port Charles and boldly declared the blasphmous statements that being a mob kingpin who donated to a charity 15 years ago didn’t rate preferential treatment and wasn’t immediately shot for it?  Heavenly!  And then there was him and Robin at Kelly’s.

And he and Robin had what is completely rare in Port Charles, the start of a non-sexual male/female friendship! I know! I didn’t think they did these anymore either! While I would not be opposed to them getting romantic somewhere down the line, I love him being able to articulate Patrick’s side to Robin in a way that didn’t threaten her marriage or sound like a big strong man explaining something to the stupid little woman.  Robin was able to express her point of view without being attacked! 

Look how happy that made her!  And he even was somewhat responsible for Scrubs making up today!  Three cheers for the complete awesomeness of Steven!  Too bad the rest of the show couldn’t find it catching.

Photos courtsey of  Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{February 9, 2010}   This again?

Dear Tony Geary

Yes I know. I’m shocked I’m talking to you too!  After reading your interviews where you cheered the complete destruction of Luke and Laura’s history just so you can work with an actor that mumbles all the time (what?  Working with Maurice Bernard wasnt’ enough for you?) and how the fans who were howling in protest were just pigeon-holing you…the greatest actor to ever act…in a time that you found hell on Earth…I thought I would never want to have anything to do with you again.  And then when you spent about 99% of your time during Lucky-gate working in back-handed slams to Greg Vaughan I knew I would never like you again. (I hold grudges. Sue me) 

But brother we have GOT to talk. 

See apparently the show wants us to all beleive the last ten years never happened to Lucky. Well except for that pesky Jiz stuff apparently that is ok for us to remember.  And it’s annoying. ESPECIALLY since this show seems to want us to beleive the only issue that is between Luke and Lucky is still the freaking rape of Laura. 

Look I completely acknowledge this was a major major turning point in Luke and Lucky’s relationship. A game changer as it were.  And it deserved every bit of attention it got. Ten years ago.

Did you catch that? It happened ten years ago.  And by the time Jonathan Jackson left the last time…not only had this subject been worn to the ground but it had been somewhat resolved.  Lucky didn’t hero-worship Luke any more true but they had reached an understanding.  While the rape would always be there it was no longer the main issue between them.   There was this little scene that happened on one of Jonathan’s last days called the “you’re still my hero” scene in Kelly’s. You might want to look that up.

In the time between then and now….many many things happened between Luke and Lucky to cause estrangement. There was Luke’s abandoning his children when Laura became ill. There was shoving the raising of Lulu off on Lucky. There’s the outright contempt he showed Lucky when Lucky did what he felt was right and became a cop.  Let us not forget the ignoring of Lucky’s drug problem and his marriage imploding. Or the parading around town of Ethan as the greatest thing as sliced bread.  All of this is great fodder for Luke and Lucky to play with and wrestle with if this show really wants to rebuild the Lucky/Luke relationship. 

But all you seem to harp on is things that happened over a decade ago and were well covered by that point.  And even more maddening you refuse to acknowledge that is exactly what the two of you are talking about!

I get it. I understand you are tired of playing the rape card. Tired of going to that same well every time. I can respect that. Honest!  But you and GH can not have it both ways. You can’t sit there and act like this is the major issue between them and then not name what it is you are obliquely referring to!  If you want to pretend this is the only major reason Lucky has to distrust his father….and clearly you all do…then you have to name it.  Seriously!

There is tons of fodder for Lucky and Luke to get through. Tons of meaty storylines to play. Watching Luke pour drinks while he listens to Lucky declare that Luke was always right is not a good story. It’s boring. It’s lazy. And it’s completely insulting to those of us who watched Luke act like if Lucky was on fire he wouldn’t spit on him.  (Although clearly that was you deciding you were too good to be bothered with actors you considered beneath you) 

You all want to rebuild Luke and lucky’s relationship? Go for it. Be my guest. But pick a less familar path.  And why not have Luke realize that he was 1000% wrong about Lucky.  And Luke was the asshole…not Lucky.  Might do a world of good for you.

{December 28, 2009}   The worst of the worst…

On a board I post on frequently…the yearly thread of Your Top 10 and Bottom 10 stories has started.  And while compiling my list, I realized I would have to include my nighttime soaps (Glee counts right? Sure it does.) or else I would have no Top 10 to speak of when it came to General Hospital.  As it is I think GH appeared exactly three times. 

But I’m sure to no one’s surprise….I very quickly was able to come up with my Bottom10. Which I know proudly present to you as a belated Christmas gift from me! =)

Bottom Ten
10. Robin’s PPD being morphed into Patrick’s PPD.

Ahhh the start of 2009.  And trust me…if some things hadn’t happened in the last half of the year all of January would have been all over this list.  But really and truly the entire mis-handling of Robin’s PPD has to rank up there as one of the worst excuses of a social issue storyline ever perpetrated on daytime television.  It started out well and I could buy into Robin suffering from PPD.  And honestly, Kimberly McCullough sold her early scenes of Robin not being able to touch Emma with total talent that made you realize why she is a two time Emmy winner.  Then Robin put Emma in a tree.  And no one thought that was insane behavior.  Followed by Patrick telling anyone with a pulse who would stop still long enough to listen all about how Robin just wasn’t dealing with this and how much he had suffered and tried to be helpful….when all he had done was whine about having to act like a father, complain about Robin wanting to work and holding up Elizabeth as a perfect parent not only to Liz but in front of Robin as well. 

When the only bright spot about this storyline was the long departed Hottie Brad the Carpenter…well not much good can be said when that’s the only part I liked.

When this storyline finally ended about four months after it should have I might have done a little dance of joy.
9. Franco’s crush on Jason.

Purely becaues I dont’ think I’m supposed to find it funny.
8. The recent Lucky/Luke stuff….

Yes I saw this coming about two seconds after the Jonathan Jackson/Greg Vaughan switch announcement was made. But it doesn’t mean I like it anymore now than I did when it first occured to me.  Luke has been nothing but a deadbeat, a louse and generally horrific father to Lucky for the past decade.  He’s openly laughed at Lucky’s kidnapping and brainwashing by Helena as a “creative prank”.  He’s treated Lulu and Ethan as better than Lucky. He’s derided Lucky’s career choice and called Lucky’s selfless decision to raise Cam and Jake a “dead end life raising other people’s children.”  And a lot of this happened between February and May.  We also saw Lucky swear off his father and be quite clear he wasn’t so concerned about Luke’s asshatness for his own sake but he wasn’t about to let his mother be disrespected in this manner. 

And of course I swooned. You so didn’ t have to ask that.

Yet these days….I think I am supposed to beleive that two conversations with Lucky where Lucky told Luke off for the millionth time…that NOW Luke is concerned about Lucky. That he’s worried about breaking Lucky’s heart and that’s why he’s inexplicably keeping quiet about Nik/Liz.  All of this without one admittance from Luke that he’s been an unrepentant ass to his son and Lucky has been right about Luke being a worthless deadbeat for years. 

Not buying. At all.  However I do realize the odds of anyone else agreeing with me on this is restricted to Greg Vaughan fans.  So call me bitter. I won’t deny it. But I still say shenanigins to this whole mess.

7. Nik/Liz hook up for no reason.

I know…I thought this was going to be number one to.  No one is surprised more than me by it appearing pretty low on this list.  I have spilled much virtual ink about this abomination on our screens.  But let me try to explain why I so hate this storyline.  First it’s the disguising out and out skeeviness as a “classic soap story”.  It’s the complete lack of thought or actual story plan. Nik’s in love with Rebecca….no he’s not….he wants Liz…there’s a void between LL2…oh no there’s not….Nik loves Elizabeth…Elizabeth doesn’t love Lucky…yes she does…..could they actually write a story instead of just throwing darts at the wall?  There is the absolute lack of chemistry between Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Herbst.  There is the fact Elizabeth looks like she’s trying not to do a Linda Blair impersonation in their scenes and I dont’ think Nikolas has made a facial expression in about three years.  And let us not forget the insanity that is trying to pass as whitewashing and sympathy pleas for two characters that are looking unredeemable with every passing day.  Did you ever think you would live to see the day when this show would pull out Liz’s rape at 15 as a blatant emotional manipulation to try to get the audience to ease up on the hate?

I wept that day….and died a little inside.
6. Claudia’s murder by Michael and the subsequent stupid cover-up and assurance that Michael “did good”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not shocked by Michael killing someone. I was one of the many who called Michael “MyKill” for years all over the internet.  I just still am confused as to why this murder had to be covered up in the first place.  While I don’t beleive it was self-defense as GH believed it was, there were mitigating circumstances all over the place.  The odds of him actually doing hard time for this crime, considering how well connected his father is, was about as great as the chance of Bob Guza actually writing a decent soap opera not centered around the mob.    Does this show honestly believe no one but Jason can use the defense of self-defense or “the other guy had it coming”? 

And Michael “did good” per Sonny?  Vomit.  Vomit. Vomit.
5. The utter confusion and concern by Micheal’s family over why he’s not showing any ill effects of killing a person and why he’s so gun-ho about joining the family business.

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again…maybe if the little psycho had ever faced a consquence in his entire fecking life, he wouldn’t think being a crime lord is the pinnacle of success.  Really? They are shocked by this turn of events?  Didn’t the entire free world see this coming when Carly and Jason decided AJ raising Michael would be just the worst thing in the world?

4. Keifer/Kristina

The most mysogenstic soap on air is lecturing against teen dating violence? Michael says “Axe please!”  Until someone (besides me and Mala) points out this is just Sonny’s behaviors being done by a kid….I’m on team UGH for this one.
3. Rebecca/Nikola’s stupid revenge plan.

Let’s overlook the fact that Guza so misread the room about the anger over killing off Emily Quartermaine in an unnecessarily brutal fashion as grief over the departure o Natalia Livingston, a classic love her or hate her actress.    I won’t even get into the ridiculous history rewrite that Paige Bowen really had twins and sold one on the black market.  I will say that once again a storyline was clearly derailed by Guza’s inability to plan an actual storyline without getting distracted by shiny objects.  And for all the talk about how discovering Rebecca’s “deception” (that she failed at mind you…she didn’t actually get any money from him) would turn Nik into a dark Cassadine….well I am still waiting for him to turn Cassadine.  Helena, Stavros and Stefan probably laughed themselves sick over the idea of dating a woman and then dumping her being considered a plan worthy of a Cassadine. 

2. Lulu’s out of nowhere concern for how Dante taking down Sonny will destroy Sonny…..and her insistence on calling him officer in that full voice snark of hers while they are in public.

Man I was liking Lulu/Dante there for awhile….and then they had to go and have Lulu discover Dante’s secret of being an undercover cop. Now she’s all concerned that Dante’s misison to bring down Sonny will bring trouble. Not for Dante for crossing a mobster (they generally don’t like that) but because it would cause trouble for Sonny. Because Sonny is an “old family friend” (who hasnt’ actually had anything to do with her family since about 2005) and he like gives money to charities. 

Not to mention the ridiculous notiont that Jax calling Dante, who’s cover story is the mob lackey working as a bodyguard for Jax’s step children, is going to blwo the entire operation and not Lulu walking around town calling Dante “officer” at the top of her voice whenever she can.
1. Ethan Lovett is Luke’s son with Holly…..from around the time Laura was pregnant with Lulu and ON SCREEN all the time.

Now this is related to number 8 totally. But Ethan Lovett’s entire creation is the single worst abuse of history I have ever seen a show do.  It spit on Luke and Laura’s history, Robert and Holly’s history and the entire vieweing audience in one fell swoop.  The show acted like we should be swooning over this just because Luke was.  (The less said about Tony Geary’s obvious crush on Nathan Parsons the better for all of humanity.)  Lucky’s completely normal reaction to this was written off as jealousy over how he wasnt’ as awesome as Ethan and he just needed to get over himself.   Not to mention with all the mumbling Ethan does…it would have been completely more feasable to  make him Sonny’s child rather than Luke’s.  I though I had seen Bob Guza hold the audience of this show in contempt before…and then this happened.

So that’s it…the bottom ten for  me. What’s yours?

et cetera