Sarcastic Clapping

It’s clear my friends.  Completely and totally clear.  The writers/producers of General Hospital think we are vegitables completely unable to process basic reasoning.   It is the only explanation for the insanity that came out of the show and the mouth of Bob Guza today.

Let’s start with the show.  Now we’re not even going to touch the Jason “Karate Sensi” Morgan continuing adventures in jail.  Where’s he’s never been before but yet he knows all the tricks on how to survive. Which apparenlty doesn’t include keep your survival lessons to private places so the entire population of prisoners and corrupt guards (it’s GH. I’m not stupid) can see that the 18 year old is in fact as weak as he looks!  Or the fact that conjugal visits are just for married people is apparently not completely well known. 

No, as you probably could guess the stupidity that is the Nik/Liz clearly oncoming “bonding”.  Alright, has Liz been a bit of a bitch to Nik? Yes.  She has. But I maintain that if the show hadn’t committed hardcore to destorying the character for four straight years, most people would be cheering her bitching the Prince of Douchitude.  Yesterday she apologized and offered to meet him half way but re-stated she was not moving into Wyndemere.  Now she has stated her reasons for this decision has nothing to do with Lucky. It has to do with she doesn’t love Nik and Helena lives there still. Now Nik has also heard this exact same message from Lucky without prompting or persusassion of Liz.  In fact Liz doesn’t even know Lucky told Nik the exact same thing.

So what do we learn today? Nik thinks that Liz should move in because he has more money than her.  Oh and Lucky is resentful of his money.  First off I think it’s more accurate that Lucky is resentful of the attitude Nik uses with his money and that 99% of the time, when Lucky requires money…said situation is Nik’s fault. (Loosing insurance for being on probation because of protecting Nik’s fiance in stupid plan to get Nik out of jail ring bells for anyone else?)  So to shorthand this…Nik lives in Douchetropolis, Victimville and thinks his money automatically makes him a great father material.  Alfred and Spencer beg to differ.

After Liz told him to shove it…..we get Cam requesting a daycamp that is deemed too expensive. Now as someone who works with children I know that some daycamps are beyond redonkulous. ($350 for five days???  What the French toast?) However since prior to this exact second, there has never been any indication that Liz is feeling a money crunch…ummm out of nowhere much?  And clearly she’s going to invest the boys’ trust funds in that experimental drug Steven just happened to be talking about at the end of the show.  No one ever said Guza was subtle did they?  And I’ll go on a wild limb here and say she’ll loose all the money and be suddenly destitute and have no choice…NO CHOICE I tell you…but rely on Nik to get her out of this financial mess because he is just so good with his money. (Seeing a con at fifty feet however…..different story)

You know why I don’t buy this? Because I can reason my way out of a paper bag.  I know Liz’s house is paid for.  It was part of that stupid guilt gift Jason gave to make up for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to change a thing about his life.  So she doesn’t have a house payment.  We know from last year that Lucky pays for the boys’ daycare. So she doesn’t pay for that.  When the boys are not in daycare, they are with relatives that don’t charge for baby-sitting. No money there.  And contrary to Guza’s opinion, nurses and detectives make good money.  Also if Liz can invest all this money into an experimental drug, she can’t take a few hundred out for a camp?  Like Jason wouldn’t replace that guilt money when he inevitably finds out.  (And he will because he’s Jason)  And if Steven has enough money for his friend to call him to invest, like he wouldn’t go ahead and pay for his nephew (that’s named after him) to go to camp for the summer? 

There are like 95 different intelligence insulting points wrong with this entire set up that everyone can see through. But that’s only about one-tenth the amount of insulting the latest Bob Guza interview with TV Guide on Michael’s rape is.  Or the subsequent reaction of the soap press that apparently we are complete morons who can’t figure things out on our own.  (Caution…mild spoiler about Carter in the interview)

Who on Earth do they honestly think is confused by this?  The same idiots who honestly think Jason is going to die every month?  If you have watched a soap…even the crappest ones in the history of soapdom (i.e. Swans Crossing……Glory/JT 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!) you know what flinching and reluctance to get close mean. It’s like fainting only ever meaning pregnancy and brain tumor.  He’s flinching and avoiding contact even with St. Jaysus Our Savior. CLEARLY he was raped.  The only way it could be more obvious is if they made him wear a neon sign!

And then there is the “classy” comment Guza made about Michael being a good looking kid with the John Gotti of Port Charles as a dad.  First off, Sonny wishes he was John Gotti.  Secondly…..attractiveness is a contributing factor to rape?  Only pretty people are raped?  No ugly people have ever been the victims of rape?  Why hasn’t a women’s lib group dragged this creatin through the streets and tarred and feathered him yet?  For the last time Guza….rape is a crime of POWER. It has nothing to do with sex and sexual attractiveness.  Especially in the case of prison sexual assault.   Yes Michael would be targeted because of who his father is, but that’s why there this thing called protective custody. Jason’s talked about it so apparently you are aware of what it is. 

Also…love the attitude of “no we didn’t do this” /”oh my god how could we not do this”.  And like we can’t tell “ramifications three-five months” down the line means they are waiting for November sweeps to do a full reveal? Probably after Michael finds a girlfriend.  And she might want to get “closer” as it were?  

Now all this I expect from Bob Guza. After all the same man did helpfully explain to us that because Michael accidentally shot Kate in the stomach (that Sonny, Jason and Carly covered up and he was never made to apologize for ever) it was totes approrpiate for Michael to be shot in the head because we don’t want to be irresponsible about violence and youngsters on GH.  No way. No how.  But the soap press…playing along with this like we don’t know what’s going on. Many blogs have already posted about this and have come to the conclusion Michael was in fact raped. And not just blogs by pissy fans like me.  People like Sarah Bibel at Deep Soap.  SOW has it on their cover for next week.  We already know what happened. So for people like Michael Logan and Michael Fairman to act like this is  such a farrking mystery is beyond insulting.

And the same people wonder constantly why the soap audience is erroding. Here’s a clue geniuses.  We might not like it when you treat us like we believe the little people in the box are real.  We are capable of higher thoughts and we can do things like read between the lines.  We remember things like minute plot points from 25 years ago and we can find clips on You Tube to prove it in intricate, head pounding message board arguments.  We like to be treated with respect and like we do have a brain.  I know this might be an unfathomable girl concept for you but you treat us badly enough we do walk away. As Johnny so correctly observed today there is to abuse than hitting and you Bob Guza and your faithful minions have been emotionally abusing your audience for years.


{June 1, 2010}   Like a virgin…..

There are certain things that happen on GH that I don’t need to be told.  Because I am a reasonably intelligent viewer I can assume that if I watched a character grow up or at least go through adolescence on the show that I know if they are a virgin. I know this because when a long term character loses their virginity on a soap, we the viewers see this event. The rare time we don’t is in the case of rape, which quite frankly is a whole other kettle of fish about what a virgin is or isn’t that I don’t quite have the banwidth to get into right now. 

What I do not need is a scene where  Max Giambetti is litterally crying in his beer about how poor poor Mikey only wanted a hooker for 18th birthday and how sad it was he went to joint a virgin and how Max is now going to give up sex for the entire time Micheal is in the joint because it’s all his fault Mikey is a virgin behind bars.

I’m going to pause now while I once again loose my lunch.

First off who was really wondering if Michael was a virgin?  Who?  He’s never had a freaking girlfriend!  Oh sure the show talked a good game about bringing one on for him but then they went and recast the actor!  Considering he went from 12 to 17 in the space of a year I wasn’t thinking there was some retcon junior prom in there we just didnt’ see. Say what you want about SORAS…they don’t tend to make up major life events occuring during those time periods. 

And while I have no trouble that someone raised by Sonny “women are just there for my amusement and abusement” Corrinthos would consider using a hooker at all, I find it problematic to have this be revealed while the show is simultaneously trying to curry the sympathy of the unfairly convicted.  Sure I’m positive Max would have found the hooker with a heart of gold.  In fact I’ll even go so far to say that had Guza not decided on The Incredibly Horrible Place Jail Can Be Adventures, that it might have very well been that Michael met his first girlfriend as she would be a barely legal “baby hooker” looking to get out of the life she’s living.  I would award bonus points if she busted into a righteous song about how her body is her business, her business not his!  (Seriously, listen to The Life. Tell me that wouldn’t rock!)

And while I’d rather not think about Max’s sex life thank you very much, I even more so don’t want to hear it being discussed in the middle of Jake’s. With like people around.  Allegedly normal people!!  In hearing distance!  Plus…it’s two years.  TWO years.  It’s not like Michael is going away for life here people!  He could just be the 20 year old virgin which quite frankly is NOT A FREAK OF NATURE OK SHOW????

However all this pales in comparison to the fact this janky conversation is taking place at the same time the show is ohh soo “subtily” tell us Michael has been prision raped.  And of course by subtile I mean being completely obvious to the point blind people can see this reveal coming.   I know I don’t find them appealing at all but Max and Diane are supposed to be a fun light couple.  Trotted out for some brief comic relief and then shipped back to recurring land.  A jokey converstaion about how Max is going to give up sex because he wouldn’t get Mikey a hooker for his birthday and how Diane hates this during a male rape storyline.  There’s a good way to make a point about Michael being a virgin when this happened to him, and then there is this nasty digusting insulting way.

But what could we exepct from a show where the last time this situation happened had Jason laugh about how ridiculous the mere notion of male rape was?

{May 27, 2010}   Crystal blue confusion….

I admit that I am a blonde who’s hair has gone darker as I have gotten older.  So I am no stranger to sterotypical stupid moments where I forget something basic or say something horrifically dumb. Add into this mix the fact I am basically shy and highly prone to embarrassment and you’ll understand why I have taken to the internet to express myself.  (It admittedly doesn’t explain why I have always worked retail jobs that kinda depend on being outgoing and friendly but that’s why there’s therapy people!)  The point of my sharing is to admit that I have come to expect a fair bit of confusion to occur in my daily life and Lord knows since I watch GH, my soap as well.   And usually, there’s one..just one storyline where while it might make me want to spit nails in hatred, at least it makes sense. 

And then there are weeks like the past few on GH.  Where nothing makes sense!

Lets start with the big kettle of fish…The Terribly True Adventures of Guilty but Should Get a Free Pass Michael in Pentonville.  You all did you know prison was a bad place???  It’s completely new to me!  Why people who go there are bad…and like committed crimes….well not like Michael heroically commiting crimes but like the crimes that the enemies of Sonny always commit to take down Sonny.  Thank you Bob Guza for committing such a valuable public service to tell us that prisons are filled with criminals, corrupt guards and rapists.  Cause I’d never know.

And speaking of rapist…..Michael was raped show. We get it.  We the audience figured it out.  We’ve seen a soap before so we know that scrambling away from someone when they touch you is the sign of rape, much like fainting always only means pregnancy.  And I will admit that a well written, thoughtful portrayal of a man struggling with a sexually based attack, trying to come to terms with what not only his victimization but what it says about his sexuality would be groundbreaking.  However considering when Jax was chained spread eagle to a bed while he was kidnapped and forced to sleep with Irina because she threatened to kill Carly, I’m throughly confused as to why we are going down this well with Jason clearly going to end up being Michael’s trusted confidant (because again I have watched this show before) when the same situation happened to Jax….Jason laughed at it.   Giggled the entire time at the very idea that. So when he inevitably becomes sad panda over what has befallen Michael….I’m going to spend roughly 99% of the time wondering if he’s going to go to Jax and apologize for being such a dickwad.  And I know that’s not going to happen so that makes me  more confused as to why I’m supposed to find this dunderhead a hero in the first place!

Plus if the intent of the show is merely to inspire blog posts and internet discussions about whether or not GH would go that route and this is all an elaborate “gotcha” well I have to give an F on it.   It sends a dangerous message much like their notion that abuse is only physical.  This does happen in our society and I think it could be a potentially fantastic storyline to explore.  But to use it as a titliating buzz piece is just wrong.  Go there or don’t but don’t use it as a tease. 

Also speaking of Michael, if someone can explain to me why if Sonny goes to jail, everyone thinks Michael will go free I would be excellent.   I understand the concept of no politician wanting to help the son of a known gangster get out of trouble lest they seem soft on crime.  That makes total sense.  And I have no issues with people wanting to put Sonny in jail. Gold star for admittedly futile efforts there.  But why would Sonny going to jail clear the way for Michael to get out?  I mean know he’s going to get out but what politician would work overtime to free an 18 year old who admitted in open court that he killed a woman, participated in a cover up, fled the country to avoid prosecution and knew all of it was wrong?  Politicians won’t get involved in cases of women serving insane prison terms because their boyfriends made them unwilling drug mules but because Michael, who admitted to killing  a woman and was given the minimum sentence as a freaking gift since everything that backed up his claim of “self defense” (which is still a crock of crap.  Justifiable homicide sure but it wasn’t self defense)  was destroyed they will?  I can live in the Never Never Land they do cause clearly it’s some kind of wonderland.

Now between Claire’s self admitted baby rabies and Sonny’s status as Sperminator of Port Charles, I am deeply terrified that we are well on our way to the arrival of Sonny’s ninth child.    So in theory I have no issue with Lucky giving Claire the rundown on all the brunettes who have failed to take down Sonny but ended up in his bed.  And while I recognize a “wink wink nudge nudge” metajoke when I see one but when Lucky name dropped Hannah only one thought ran through my mind.  “Yeah I know she’s on the list and all but holy hell Detective weren’t you presumed dead, kidnapped and brainwashed through most of her time in Port Charles?  What you weren’t allowed to remember your family at all but worrying about Sonny’s love life was A-Ok as far as Helena was concerned? What the hell type of evil plot is that?” (Also pointing out the repeated nature of these storylines does not mean I’m not going to totally make fun of it if/when this storyline kicks in there show.  Nice try!) 

But then again….when you consider the “brillance” of Helena’s latest plot is it any wonder one of her most famous capers now doesnt’ seem to make much sense in light of that rundown?  For as many times as the show has promised us Helena will reveal her evil plan…I’m still waiting.  Also..Helena disappeares and it never occurs to Nik to check Greece?  Much like Luke’s dreaded Dr. Von Skimmerman “disguise”….Greece has only been her immediate choice of hiding place since well FOREVER.  And how did Luke know A – Helena wasn’t in town and B – was in Greece?  He didn’t check Wyndemere? Pay Nik a visit? Attempt to bribe Alfred? (You know Alfred is totally on Helena’s payroll.  You just know.)  Also still wondering why Nik is being so threatened by information he’s known since roughly 1998 and manipulation he’s seen no evidence of at all.  It would make way more sense if he was being bitchy to Lucky if I don’t know he overheard Lucky and Liz having a mature, supportive discussion or seen Liz asking Lucky to help her with Helena but he hasn’t.   And while I know Helena’s entire plan hinges on all three of them being at odds so she can work….I’m still stuck on what exactly her plan will accomplish and then we’ve entered the vicious cycle of hell and I want to get off this sick cycle carosel!

Alas it’s not just Luke and Lucky stuck in crazy cakes land. Now while Lulu is admittedly a moron of the highest order for trusting Carly one wit after Carly basically blamed her for global warming and all but well she is Lulu.  And it’s not even her I’m all that confused by. No it’s Brooklynn.  I don’t want to hate a Q but I fear I will with this.  She’s in credit trouble and yet I’m supposed to believe neither Ned or Lois is aware of this? HA!  Or that Edward doesnt’ pay like double that amount to keep himself in jaunty hats? Or that the Qs wouldnt’ rally to help her and bring her back under their roof to save her if they got any whiff of issues with Brooklyn? Or that Brooklyn could be in town for like two weeks and the Qs would not have descended on her and Edward force her to move back in as his great-granddaughter?  But all that’s kid’s play compared to the real confusion.

What in the name of Greg Vaughan did she do to her face?  It’s non-moving. It’s scary. It’s distracting.

And Patrick..oh Patrick…when did you regress to your daughter’s age?  What the hell was that today?  He’s the only one who can do any surgery?  I’m not complaining about the subsequent Robin defending Steven as awesome…but my god he was a whiney cry baby today over nothing.  And I’m sorry to the many Scrubs fans out of there…I am still not seeing how this is the start of Lisa being Fatal Attraction.   This is Patrick being a whiney bitch.

Normally I would write off this confusion as the results of a week that was too much work and not enough sleep but I really don’t think it is!

{April 23, 2010}   And back to reality

Well that was short lived. Even by GH standards. 

I had one near historic day of finding three positive things that I could not bitch about in one episode, something that hasn’t happened since a certain fairytail wedding in 2005 mnd you. (Although I’m sure GH thinks we are all now convinced we hallucinated that) And then today happened.  It’s like the GH gods knew I might turn the corner to like some things and went oh no you don’t.  Because today’s show made me beleive Guza is out to kill me via rage-induced airway constriction.  Or he really wants me to have upgrade my TV and is therefore committed to causing me to break mine via thrown chair.  It’s one or other.

You know I understand…well not really but I try to sometimes follow the Bob logic…that Jason, even though he is an unrepentant hitman who makes his living killing people and placing everything and everyone he allegedly loves, is the hero of the show.  And therefore his actions are generally justifiable and well since this is Guza, completely right and moral.   St. Jaysus of the Holy Silencer is never wrong.  Except……..

Today while he broke into Dante’s apartment (Dante’s a cop by the way) to look for Michael (cause Dante follows the Sonny moron code of hiding someone in the most obvious place in the world?) he heard a noise and drew his gun.  Now assuming he thought it was Dante coming home….he was drawing his gun on a cop.  As it was, he drew his gun on a…wait for it cause it is so genius….FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.  Yes Claire is clearly going to lose this case beacuse of course no one wins against Diane’s brilliant legal reasoning of “the prosecutor is a meanie and the victim was an even bigger meanie and they are all jealous of how awesome my client is”  but still she is still a sworn upholder of the law.  And she did nothing to Jason.  Claire even figured out Jason was probably going to kill Dante, granted not hard since that is like 95% of Jason’s dialogue these days but she did nothing. Didn’t even threaten him with arrest.  You know I can suspend disbelief with the best of them…but it’s hard as hell to think Claire is going to put Sonny in jail when she can’t even take a golden opportunity to arrest and prosecute Jason on attempted murder!  (Hell if the standard defense strategy is to say all charges are trumped up on this show….lets really make it happen!)

If only that was the only thing that made me scream.  Oh if only. 

I have made no secret of the fact I can not stand Spinelli. He’s annoying.  His speaking habits are no longer funny and are seriously cause for a riot. Spixie is one of the single most irritating couples ever foisted on the viewing masses.  And yet I do realize I’m supposed to root for and sympathize with Spinelli. Find him funny.  Find his friendship with/slavish affection for Jason adorable and not completely disturbing.  So why, dear readers, why the hell if they want me to like this character so badly, do they do things like have him pontificate that even though he knew by giving Sonny/Jason information about Dante was setting up a murder and even though he knew Lulu cared for Dante and was worried….that he had no regrets about passing on the information.  That’s right folks….today GH preached that setting up a murder attempt was no big, even if a good friend of yours is going to be crushed.  Ladies and gentlemen…..your up and coming hero! 

If only this facial expression meant Maxie realized she had made a horrible choice in befriending these goobers and she needed to run to Mac and beg his forgiveness for his righteous Spinelli hate.  But I know….I know…I am not that lucky at all.

Look everyone…it’s Luke starting to figure out the world’s most obvious paternity switch!

Look…three seconds later Luke is completely distracted and will forget about this until, well at least May sweeps starts.

Although…hey Skye! How you doin?  Now can you explain where in the hell your daughter is please????????

I’m not even going to bother talking about Carly and Jax’s umpteenth fight about how everything bad in Sonny’ s life is Jax’s fault or Olivia and Carly’s snipefest at each other today. Mainly cause Carly and Jax will have the exact same argument next week. (Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?) and quite frankly my ears are still bleeding from all the screeching.   I am also not going to bother discussing the jury deliberations becuase jury deliberations are boring as hell and I still can’t understand why these writers think “comedic” and “nail-biting suspense”  are the same thing.  Or why they continue to think I’ll ever be worried about Sonny or Jason actually being convicted of crimes. As if! 

Dear Lulu,

Iif you could find time in your busy schedule of hating Sonny and being cute with Dante to actually remember the fact you are in fact a Spencer, it would be great. You see a Spencer wouldn’t have trusted Michael, Carly’s son mind you, to stay put at all.  A Spencer would have also realized Maxie has one of the worst track records in the world when it comes to keeping quiet with things that affect Jason and Spinelli.  (Well at least in regards to not telling them. Now you were perfectly right to be confident she wouldnt’ call Mac)  Did you perhaps take the same idiot pills Helena slipped the rest of your family to  make her latest “plan” work?  Just wondering.



Now it’s been a week and I feel I must weight in on the hot topic of the moment. NuMichael.  Yes the timing of the recast was jarring and I too had to remind myself that it actually was Michael confessing to Dante and not Spinelli’s here-to-unknown brother.  (Oh like you didn’t notice the resemblance!)  And I still don’t understand why they fired Drew Garret so rapidly.  But Chad Duell has won me over. And for one simple fact.

He’s a freaking giant!  He has to be pushing six feet right?  I recognized the shoulder-haunch-to-hide-the-fact-I’m-taller-than-everyone pose from Jason Thompson’s scenes with Scott Reeves! 

He’s so much taller than Dante you can tell it when they are sitting!  I am actually salivating in glee for Sonny/Michael scenes.  Because they will be hysterical for the either A – the way obvious height difference or B- the way obvious ways this inept show will try to hide it.  It’s going to be epic and give us all hours of fun and hillarious screencaps to treasure forever!  So for that admittedly shallow, Sonny-hating reason….I’m digging this recast!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{December 28, 2009}   The worst of the worst…

On a board I post on frequently…the yearly thread of Your Top 10 and Bottom 10 stories has started.  And while compiling my list, I realized I would have to include my nighttime soaps (Glee counts right? Sure it does.) or else I would have no Top 10 to speak of when it came to General Hospital.  As it is I think GH appeared exactly three times. 

But I’m sure to no one’s surprise….I very quickly was able to come up with my Bottom10. Which I know proudly present to you as a belated Christmas gift from me! =)

Bottom Ten
10. Robin’s PPD being morphed into Patrick’s PPD.

Ahhh the start of 2009.  And trust me…if some things hadn’t happened in the last half of the year all of January would have been all over this list.  But really and truly the entire mis-handling of Robin’s PPD has to rank up there as one of the worst excuses of a social issue storyline ever perpetrated on daytime television.  It started out well and I could buy into Robin suffering from PPD.  And honestly, Kimberly McCullough sold her early scenes of Robin not being able to touch Emma with total talent that made you realize why she is a two time Emmy winner.  Then Robin put Emma in a tree.  And no one thought that was insane behavior.  Followed by Patrick telling anyone with a pulse who would stop still long enough to listen all about how Robin just wasn’t dealing with this and how much he had suffered and tried to be helpful….when all he had done was whine about having to act like a father, complain about Robin wanting to work and holding up Elizabeth as a perfect parent not only to Liz but in front of Robin as well. 

When the only bright spot about this storyline was the long departed Hottie Brad the Carpenter…well not much good can be said when that’s the only part I liked.

When this storyline finally ended about four months after it should have I might have done a little dance of joy.
9. Franco’s crush on Jason.

Purely becaues I dont’ think I’m supposed to find it funny.
8. The recent Lucky/Luke stuff….

Yes I saw this coming about two seconds after the Jonathan Jackson/Greg Vaughan switch announcement was made. But it doesn’t mean I like it anymore now than I did when it first occured to me.  Luke has been nothing but a deadbeat, a louse and generally horrific father to Lucky for the past decade.  He’s openly laughed at Lucky’s kidnapping and brainwashing by Helena as a “creative prank”.  He’s treated Lulu and Ethan as better than Lucky. He’s derided Lucky’s career choice and called Lucky’s selfless decision to raise Cam and Jake a “dead end life raising other people’s children.”  And a lot of this happened between February and May.  We also saw Lucky swear off his father and be quite clear he wasn’t so concerned about Luke’s asshatness for his own sake but he wasn’t about to let his mother be disrespected in this manner. 

And of course I swooned. You so didn’ t have to ask that.

Yet these days….I think I am supposed to beleive that two conversations with Lucky where Lucky told Luke off for the millionth time…that NOW Luke is concerned about Lucky. That he’s worried about breaking Lucky’s heart and that’s why he’s inexplicably keeping quiet about Nik/Liz.  All of this without one admittance from Luke that he’s been an unrepentant ass to his son and Lucky has been right about Luke being a worthless deadbeat for years. 

Not buying. At all.  However I do realize the odds of anyone else agreeing with me on this is restricted to Greg Vaughan fans.  So call me bitter. I won’t deny it. But I still say shenanigins to this whole mess.

7. Nik/Liz hook up for no reason.

I know…I thought this was going to be number one to.  No one is surprised more than me by it appearing pretty low on this list.  I have spilled much virtual ink about this abomination on our screens.  But let me try to explain why I so hate this storyline.  First it’s the disguising out and out skeeviness as a “classic soap story”.  It’s the complete lack of thought or actual story plan. Nik’s in love with Rebecca….no he’s not….he wants Liz…there’s a void between LL2…oh no there’s not….Nik loves Elizabeth…Elizabeth doesn’t love Lucky…yes she does…..could they actually write a story instead of just throwing darts at the wall?  There is the absolute lack of chemistry between Tyler Christopher and Rebecca Herbst.  There is the fact Elizabeth looks like she’s trying not to do a Linda Blair impersonation in their scenes and I dont’ think Nikolas has made a facial expression in about three years.  And let us not forget the insanity that is trying to pass as whitewashing and sympathy pleas for two characters that are looking unredeemable with every passing day.  Did you ever think you would live to see the day when this show would pull out Liz’s rape at 15 as a blatant emotional manipulation to try to get the audience to ease up on the hate?

I wept that day….and died a little inside.
6. Claudia’s murder by Michael and the subsequent stupid cover-up and assurance that Michael “did good”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not shocked by Michael killing someone. I was one of the many who called Michael “MyKill” for years all over the internet.  I just still am confused as to why this murder had to be covered up in the first place.  While I don’t beleive it was self-defense as GH believed it was, there were mitigating circumstances all over the place.  The odds of him actually doing hard time for this crime, considering how well connected his father is, was about as great as the chance of Bob Guza actually writing a decent soap opera not centered around the mob.    Does this show honestly believe no one but Jason can use the defense of self-defense or “the other guy had it coming”? 

And Michael “did good” per Sonny?  Vomit.  Vomit. Vomit.
5. The utter confusion and concern by Micheal’s family over why he’s not showing any ill effects of killing a person and why he’s so gun-ho about joining the family business.

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again…maybe if the little psycho had ever faced a consquence in his entire fecking life, he wouldn’t think being a crime lord is the pinnacle of success.  Really? They are shocked by this turn of events?  Didn’t the entire free world see this coming when Carly and Jason decided AJ raising Michael would be just the worst thing in the world?

4. Keifer/Kristina

The most mysogenstic soap on air is lecturing against teen dating violence? Michael says “Axe please!”  Until someone (besides me and Mala) points out this is just Sonny’s behaviors being done by a kid….I’m on team UGH for this one.
3. Rebecca/Nikola’s stupid revenge plan.

Let’s overlook the fact that Guza so misread the room about the anger over killing off Emily Quartermaine in an unnecessarily brutal fashion as grief over the departure o Natalia Livingston, a classic love her or hate her actress.    I won’t even get into the ridiculous history rewrite that Paige Bowen really had twins and sold one on the black market.  I will say that once again a storyline was clearly derailed by Guza’s inability to plan an actual storyline without getting distracted by shiny objects.  And for all the talk about how discovering Rebecca’s “deception” (that she failed at mind you…she didn’t actually get any money from him) would turn Nik into a dark Cassadine….well I am still waiting for him to turn Cassadine.  Helena, Stavros and Stefan probably laughed themselves sick over the idea of dating a woman and then dumping her being considered a plan worthy of a Cassadine. 

2. Lulu’s out of nowhere concern for how Dante taking down Sonny will destroy Sonny…..and her insistence on calling him officer in that full voice snark of hers while they are in public.

Man I was liking Lulu/Dante there for awhile….and then they had to go and have Lulu discover Dante’s secret of being an undercover cop. Now she’s all concerned that Dante’s misison to bring down Sonny will bring trouble. Not for Dante for crossing a mobster (they generally don’t like that) but because it would cause trouble for Sonny. Because Sonny is an “old family friend” (who hasnt’ actually had anything to do with her family since about 2005) and he like gives money to charities. 

Not to mention the ridiculous notiont that Jax calling Dante, who’s cover story is the mob lackey working as a bodyguard for Jax’s step children, is going to blwo the entire operation and not Lulu walking around town calling Dante “officer” at the top of her voice whenever she can.
1. Ethan Lovett is Luke’s son with Holly…..from around the time Laura was pregnant with Lulu and ON SCREEN all the time.

Now this is related to number 8 totally. But Ethan Lovett’s entire creation is the single worst abuse of history I have ever seen a show do.  It spit on Luke and Laura’s history, Robert and Holly’s history and the entire vieweing audience in one fell swoop.  The show acted like we should be swooning over this just because Luke was.  (The less said about Tony Geary’s obvious crush on Nathan Parsons the better for all of humanity.)  Lucky’s completely normal reaction to this was written off as jealousy over how he wasnt’ as awesome as Ethan and he just needed to get over himself.   Not to mention with all the mumbling Ethan does…it would have been completely more feasable to  make him Sonny’s child rather than Luke’s.  I though I had seen Bob Guza hold the audience of this show in contempt before…and then this happened.

So that’s it…the bottom ten for  me. What’s yours?

{November 4, 2009}   Can’t they watch Law & Order?

What the hell?

I just….don’t….what?

Ok so when Jason kills and Sonny orders a killing, its in “self-defense” and it’s to “protect the family”.

Yet when Michael…kills Claudia, who kidnapped his mother in front of half the town, who was just outed as the person responsible for his getting shot in the head, who he just walked on trying to kidnap his baby sister….which to  my mind is mitigating circumstances and pretty much gaurantee Michael would get off basically scott free in a jury trial…we have to cover it up….

I mean heaven forbid Michael actually has to face his consequence…I know the horror there! 

This is the same show that had Logan murdered in a fashion that was so blatantly self-defense that it was practically written in magic marker on the back of the set.  Yet whenever anyone else who isn’t Jason commits a justified homicide….we have to cover it up.  Elizabeth’s shooting of the RUSSIAN is the exception rather than the rule and I’m not convinced that wasn’t allowed because it was to protect Jason’s son.  (Upcoming poll…how long till Guza reverses that?  I say…February tops) 

Does this show realize self defense is allowed to be used by people other than Jason and Sonny?

{July 28, 2009}   Highway Danger….

Over at the fabulous Deep Soap, Sara Bibel has a theory that GH has finally run out of mobster movies to rip off and has moved on to driver’s ed films.  After two entire shows devoted to nothing but did Michael or Kristina hit Claudia….I am forced to admit that she is right.  GH has found the most disturbing hybrid of a mobster/driver’s ed scare film to show us.

Let me start off by saying the less said about those “special” effects the better.  I saw better at the end of The Ugly Truth…and those special effects were the funniest thing in that movie.  (Besides guessing if Gerard Butler’s accent was going to make a surprise cameo appearance before the credits rolled.)  Memo to GH…you had better special effects in the 7os when you were about to be cancelled.  It’s a little thing called good writing.  We’ll forgive a lot of cheese if the writing is good.  See just about every cult sci-fi show prior to the X-Files become the 90s phenomena it was. (Coming soon….Beth discusses why Soap fans should take notes from sci fi fans to actually get good stuff.)

Why are the PCPD more involved in this case than who killed the mayor’s mistress?  Logically thinking, and I know Guza-land is the place where logic goes to die, they should be investigating both.  But apparenlty they were preparing to devote all their resources to proving who was behind a hit and run that may or may not happen.  So thank goodness they have the newly appointed medical examiners Robin and Patrick to work on that one.  Thank Gloria Monty we have such competent trained investigative professionals at the helm to watch over that one.   We sure bit the bullet there.

Now how to say this delicately…my main issue with the whole thing is Michael.  I don’t see why everyone is so hell bent to protect this little monster and why the idea of plopping that child down on Kevin Collins’s couch is such a horrific idea.  THE KID NEEDS THERAPY!  Some major behavior-management.  I work with high risk, traumatized children for a living and I do not hesitiate to say I would drop kick this little fartnose into a residential treatment facilitylike yesterday.   I just don’t buy that anyone would be so concerned about keeping this kid out of jail when he clearly needs to be locked up for his own safety.    

Now I like to fault Michael for many many things…starting with his birth marking the begining of the long slow slide into the ridiculous hell we are cursed with right now. But really..could some of the adults actually blame themselves?  Carly and Jax for getting a kid with impulse control issues and brain damage a TEMPORARY DRIVER’S LICENSE?  Sonny for buying a kid with no driving experience and brain damage a freaking sports car?  Why has it occured to none of them this is a bad idea? Clearly when they cue up to the obvious fact that Krisitna is maybe also involved they will all blame Alexis for breathing or not letting Sonny near Kristina or something.

Related…really? Robin comes down and swears that Michael won’t skip bail and it’s allowed?  First off, I’ve watched Law & Order long enough to know how the bail system works.  lets see… kid + shady parents who insist he didn’t do anything + family with its own private freaking island and business contacts in other countries + lawyers out the wazoo = NO WAY IN HELL THAT KID IS GETTING BAIL.  Not to mention….now call me crazy…but wasn’t there this crazy storyline where Jason was in jail for a murder he committed and somehow got bail and then he broke it, allegedly to do something “heroic” and was arrested for it like two seconds later?  I know at the time we were supposed to think it was all just about some supposed jealousy…and we aren’t supposed to remember that time now. (hush….the whole nightmare never happened) BUT OH MY GOD JASON BROKE FREAKING BAIL WHY WOULD HIM GAURANTEEING ANYTHING ABOUT MICHAEL NOT DOING THE SAME DARN THING MEAN ANYTHING MORE THAN A GOOD LAUGH?

It also doesnt’ help anything that no one in this convuluted storyline is remotely rootable.  Michael’s a holy terror. Kristina is a brat.  Carly operates on Carly logic which means makes no sense and inverts all known laws of logic and sense.  Claudia has changed characterizations so often I’m suspecting Sarah Joy Brown needs cue cards just to keep up with her changing character motivations.  Jason and Sam being all concerny mc concern about Kristina and Michael not doing good and giving lectures that basically amount to “do what I say, not as I do” and being completely baffled as to why this sage advice isn’t being followed is stupidity to the extreme.   And Sonny….well whenever he enters a chapel to “pray” I both look for lightening to strike and really wish GH would quit defaming my religion by having Sonny described as a devout Catholic. Really we have enough issues of our own without Sonny’s slippery morality to add in there. I imagine real Bensonhurst residents feel the same thing. 

Seriously who is concerned about any of these people?  Was anyone really wanting that baby to survive?  Didn’t we all secretly wish that Claudia would die too?  Don’t we all know in the end it will be Double Dead Diego and not anyone we currently see on our screen for every segment in the show?

Does no one involved in this show understand the concept of balance?  Yes this is a soap opera and we need umbrella storylines that feature angst.  Got it.  and when well done and featuring the full cast i don’t care to see one storyline the entire show. But this one is so full of holes….so illogical… mind-numbingly stupid….so focused on how will Jason and Sam save everyone………SO FECKING TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!

The entire show was devoted to the mob.  And I don’t mean in the figurative sense we all complain about.  It was all we were shown today.  That was it.  I was craving a sighting of Lulu Spencer. Lulu. I’ve hated her for two years.  When I’m craving a Lulu “I’ll fork my brother over for Jason Morgan repeatedly for no good reason” Spencer sighting  THINGS ARE VERY WRONG.

I know better than to expect something like logic or well thought out planning when it comes to a GH story.  Or promo.  Clearly such things are not what the audience wants.  Clearly the ratings are going through the roof  because we just love nonsensical storytelling…


But really this whole “Who hit Claudia” storyline?  OMG!  It makes toxic balls look well planned and logical!

First off it’s reminding me of Who Hit Sam last February.  And really who gave a crap about that? Sam survived and wasn’t even that hurt but for a solid two months all we heard was who hit Sam and how awful it was that either Elizabeth, Monica, Nik or Carly hit Sam. How hard this would be on Jason. Blah blah blah.   And in the end? What the heck did it change but allow Guza yet another chance to defame the Quatermaines?  Woo.

So the first glaring problem with the storyline is this…..Who the hell thinks hitting Claudia with a car was a bad idea?  Who is all worried that she won’t survive?  Aren’t we all more upset that she did survive?  If Claudia left today would anyone really give a crap? 

Now lets move on to Carly’s involvement.  Ummm isn’t she supposed to be on bedrest? I know what Carly wants Carly gets and if she wants to have this baby then by God she will because Carly can control the universe like that, but really? She A – was aware Morgan effing exists and B- she HAD to go look by the side of the road (when Morgan said “in the woods”.  Apparently Carly can also manipulate time and space!) for that freaking medal at night?  All so she can save Claudia, the woman who shot her son?  ohh GH writers PLEASE stop trying to use ironry correctly. Much like Alanis, it’s not your strong suit.

Michael…well if you didn’t know something was going to happen with Michael and the car after the umpteen million referrences to the accident that happened to Jason with AJ…well then Hi….let me welcome you to GH. You clearly haven’t been watching long. I suppose Michael’s bad driving will be blamed on AJ and not the fact he shouldn’t freaking have a driver’s licence much less a “temporary” one.  Anything so Sonny and Jason won’t take the blame dont’ you know.  (which has always confused me because AJ and Jason were brothers. So techincally some of Michael’s traits did come from Jason… it CAN BE JASON’S FAULT!  Woo hoo!) 

And of course Jason is going to make all evidence of Michael being there disappear.  Way to show Michael crime doesn’t pay there Morality Morgan! Way to preach it! Don’t know why that kid doesn’t get the fact that the mafia is not a great life, what with all the hard time and consequences you both have to face.  It’s like when Sam lectures Krisitna on not acting out of conrol and following the rules.   No clue why those lessons fell on deaf ears.   Nope. None at all. 

Kristina…oh Kristina.  I can’t actually hate too much on her being on the road like that except to say I have no illusions that while Kristina will be in speical issues storyline hell with domestic violence there will be absolutely no mention or realization that her father is the biggest domestic abuser in daytime. I am so looking forward to the show where we see Kiefer hitting Kristina is wrong…but between Sonny and Claudia its just foreplay!  That will be fun won’t it?  It will just be like the week they had Michael and Kate tell us violence was never the answer for kids, while showing Sonny and Jason threatening everyone within a five mile radius.   However I will say that good lord what genes are responsible for her inability to keep guilt off her face?  Cause seriously I think Martians could see it.  Did she take notes from Jason about how to keep your feelings “secret”? Cause you know he was so awesome at it. 

Not to mention, where the hell is her bodyguard? you know the ones we heard Sonny had on her due to the DANGER?  Wouldn’t said bodyguards already have killed punk boyfriend?  Or is that further proof of the complete ineptitude of Sonny’s security force?  I know….it’s the latter. 

Alexis was just there so Sonny and Carly can blame her and make her look stupid right? 

And you know what really stinks?  We will be subjected to countless hours and hours of this horse hockey pucks.  It will be the over-arching story of all August and into November sweeps (cause Guza does nothing without thinking about sweeps).  And just who will be responsible?

Some no account dayplayer.  Some random person who happened to be out the same night that we never saw.  IT WILL BE DEAD DIEGO!  Sorry to spoil it for you.

Don’t you just love it when you know in advance that the entire storyline will be bs and a waste of time?

Inevitably when I watch GH, I am reminded of The Princess Bride and the great always quotable Inigo Montoya. 

“I do not think that word means what you think it means.” 

This is not a new feeling per say.  I felt many many times when three-fourths of the canvas would show up to praise Jason inanely about alleged sacrifices he made for Jake during the unending time of Jason’s secret pain. I would grab my trusty, not so rusty copy of Websters’ and try to figure out how a word that means “the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim” was being applied to a person who was giving up nothing in exchange to continue on in the exact same manner he was living before the child showed up.   I would sit there with the confused puppy look on my face, almost yelling at the TV “But he hasn’t even bought a diaper!  He’s not offered anything!  He was offered a chance to be a deadbeat dad and he took it!  He doesn’t even seem interested in that kid. PLEASE SOMEONE SHOW ME THE SACRIFICE.”

Believe me…my neighbors are soo much happier with me now that story has finally been concluded. 

This strange dictionary of Guza’s causes me confusion. And as someone who actually watched during Toxic Testicles, Monkey Virus, Re-peat Ball,  Amelia and the really odd plot to make Sam famous in order to get revenge on her and Jason the Noblest Snitch Ever to Snitch to Save the World’s Only Innocent Mob-Employed Computer Hacker, it embarrasses me that this show confuses me.  Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance confused me.  The never ending popularity of Paris Hilton confuses me.  General Hospital should not confuse me over something as simple as word usage. 

Watching Kristina and Michael throwing around judgment on Alexis is infuriating on many levels.  While the actors are good and some of the reactions are totally on target.  The self-centeredness, the emphasis on how this is going to affect them.  Total teenager.  But them calling her a slut?  Kristina complaining that Alexis is the most embarrassing parent on Earth?  I know these two just became teenagers yesterday….but are they forgetting the fact that I can almost not recall the last relationship Sonny had that did not involve cheating.  Oh wait, yes I can.  A little horrific thing known the Internet over as Soliey.

Sonny Corrinthos sleeping with a woman that is A – one of those kid’s AUNT/godmother, B- is closer to their own age than anyone else Sonny has ever dated, C- he once gave the safe sex talk to and D- he got busted with in a hotel room amid gunfire and someone trying to kill him is more embarrassing than anything Alexis could dream of doing.  Now this might be because I can remember the night of One Night Stands from Hell and know that Alexis was in the hospital almost dying from a breathing attack brought on by her lung cancer so therefore sex was not on her mind at all and therefore the said one night stand with the Mayor just couldn’t have happened.   (I get a little testy about ret-conned history when it just happened three years ago.) And it could be because I consider Soliey one of the worst couples ever dreamed up. 

Or it could be because I’m completely right. 

Here…I’ll tap into my teenage outrage scale.  And since I work with highly emotional teenagers this wont’ be that hard.  Mom gets outed as having a one night stand by a man who is accused of murder and is obviously trying to save his own neck.  Upsetting.  Dad gets busted in a hotel room by my hit man uncle as he races to save Dad’s life once again and finds my aunt in lingerie.  Hit man uncle’s gunshots have caused other guests to call the police and a crowd, including reporters get pictures of my dad outside a hotel room with my aunt (who is pretty darn close to my age), clearly standing in her underwear and Dad’s coat.  They then continue a very public affair despite everyone being skeeved out about it beyond belief in the pages of the papers and throughout the town’s gossip chain.  They also took time to explain to me that they were dating so it’s not like I am clueless about this relationship or in Kristina’s case, my mother knew about it and disapproved as much as everyone. 

Yeah still not seeing the moral high ground these two are giving to Sonny. 

I am well aware of the GH code which states Sonny and Jason are greater than all people at all times no matter what. I probably will write pages over time about the characters this show destroys to keep these two nitwits front, center and as alleged heroes.  I can ignore all that and just lump it like I do with other shows where the leads annoyed me but I adored the supporting characters. (Roswell Dreamer fans I’m looking right at you) All I ask is that it makes sense.  And that my ability to remember things longer than a commercial break be respected.    Or failing all that…they at least consult a dictionary and use the right freaking word!

et cetera