Sarcastic Clapping

It’s clear my friends.  Completely and totally clear.  The writers/producers of General Hospital think we are vegitables completely unable to process basic reasoning.   It is the only explanation for the insanity that came out of the show and the mouth of Bob Guza today.

Let’s start with the show.  Now we’re not even going to touch the Jason “Karate Sensi” Morgan continuing adventures in jail.  Where’s he’s never been before but yet he knows all the tricks on how to survive. Which apparenlty doesn’t include keep your survival lessons to private places so the entire population of prisoners and corrupt guards (it’s GH. I’m not stupid) can see that the 18 year old is in fact as weak as he looks!  Or the fact that conjugal visits are just for married people is apparently not completely well known. 

No, as you probably could guess the stupidity that is the Nik/Liz clearly oncoming “bonding”.  Alright, has Liz been a bit of a bitch to Nik? Yes.  She has. But I maintain that if the show hadn’t committed hardcore to destorying the character for four straight years, most people would be cheering her bitching the Prince of Douchitude.  Yesterday she apologized and offered to meet him half way but re-stated she was not moving into Wyndemere.  Now she has stated her reasons for this decision has nothing to do with Lucky. It has to do with she doesn’t love Nik and Helena lives there still. Now Nik has also heard this exact same message from Lucky without prompting or persusassion of Liz.  In fact Liz doesn’t even know Lucky told Nik the exact same thing.

So what do we learn today? Nik thinks that Liz should move in because he has more money than her.  Oh and Lucky is resentful of his money.  First off I think it’s more accurate that Lucky is resentful of the attitude Nik uses with his money and that 99% of the time, when Lucky requires money…said situation is Nik’s fault. (Loosing insurance for being on probation because of protecting Nik’s fiance in stupid plan to get Nik out of jail ring bells for anyone else?)  So to shorthand this…Nik lives in Douchetropolis, Victimville and thinks his money automatically makes him a great father material.  Alfred and Spencer beg to differ.

After Liz told him to shove it…..we get Cam requesting a daycamp that is deemed too expensive. Now as someone who works with children I know that some daycamps are beyond redonkulous. ($350 for five days???  What the French toast?) However since prior to this exact second, there has never been any indication that Liz is feeling a money crunch…ummm out of nowhere much?  And clearly she’s going to invest the boys’ trust funds in that experimental drug Steven just happened to be talking about at the end of the show.  No one ever said Guza was subtle did they?  And I’ll go on a wild limb here and say she’ll loose all the money and be suddenly destitute and have no choice…NO CHOICE I tell you…but rely on Nik to get her out of this financial mess because he is just so good with his money. (Seeing a con at fifty feet however…..different story)

You know why I don’t buy this? Because I can reason my way out of a paper bag.  I know Liz’s house is paid for.  It was part of that stupid guilt gift Jason gave to make up for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to change a thing about his life.  So she doesn’t have a house payment.  We know from last year that Lucky pays for the boys’ daycare. So she doesn’t pay for that.  When the boys are not in daycare, they are with relatives that don’t charge for baby-sitting. No money there.  And contrary to Guza’s opinion, nurses and detectives make good money.  Also if Liz can invest all this money into an experimental drug, she can’t take a few hundred out for a camp?  Like Jason wouldn’t replace that guilt money when he inevitably finds out.  (And he will because he’s Jason)  And if Steven has enough money for his friend to call him to invest, like he wouldn’t go ahead and pay for his nephew (that’s named after him) to go to camp for the summer? 

There are like 95 different intelligence insulting points wrong with this entire set up that everyone can see through. But that’s only about one-tenth the amount of insulting the latest Bob Guza interview with TV Guide on Michael’s rape is.  Or the subsequent reaction of the soap press that apparently we are complete morons who can’t figure things out on our own.  (Caution…mild spoiler about Carter in the interview)

Who on Earth do they honestly think is confused by this?  The same idiots who honestly think Jason is going to die every month?  If you have watched a soap…even the crappest ones in the history of soapdom (i.e. Swans Crossing……Glory/JT 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!) you know what flinching and reluctance to get close mean. It’s like fainting only ever meaning pregnancy and brain tumor.  He’s flinching and avoiding contact even with St. Jaysus Our Savior. CLEARLY he was raped.  The only way it could be more obvious is if they made him wear a neon sign!

And then there is the “classy” comment Guza made about Michael being a good looking kid with the John Gotti of Port Charles as a dad.  First off, Sonny wishes he was John Gotti.  Secondly…..attractiveness is a contributing factor to rape?  Only pretty people are raped?  No ugly people have ever been the victims of rape?  Why hasn’t a women’s lib group dragged this creatin through the streets and tarred and feathered him yet?  For the last time Guza….rape is a crime of POWER. It has nothing to do with sex and sexual attractiveness.  Especially in the case of prison sexual assault.   Yes Michael would be targeted because of who his father is, but that’s why there this thing called protective custody. Jason’s talked about it so apparently you are aware of what it is. 

Also…love the attitude of “no we didn’t do this” /”oh my god how could we not do this”.  And like we can’t tell “ramifications three-five months” down the line means they are waiting for November sweeps to do a full reveal? Probably after Michael finds a girlfriend.  And she might want to get “closer” as it were?  

Now all this I expect from Bob Guza. After all the same man did helpfully explain to us that because Michael accidentally shot Kate in the stomach (that Sonny, Jason and Carly covered up and he was never made to apologize for ever) it was totes approrpiate for Michael to be shot in the head because we don’t want to be irresponsible about violence and youngsters on GH.  No way. No how.  But the soap press…playing along with this like we don’t know what’s going on. Many blogs have already posted about this and have come to the conclusion Michael was in fact raped. And not just blogs by pissy fans like me.  People like Sarah Bibel at Deep Soap.  SOW has it on their cover for next week.  We already know what happened. So for people like Michael Logan and Michael Fairman to act like this is  such a farrking mystery is beyond insulting.

And the same people wonder constantly why the soap audience is erroding. Here’s a clue geniuses.  We might not like it when you treat us like we believe the little people in the box are real.  We are capable of higher thoughts and we can do things like read between the lines.  We remember things like minute plot points from 25 years ago and we can find clips on You Tube to prove it in intricate, head pounding message board arguments.  We like to be treated with respect and like we do have a brain.  I know this might be an unfathomable girl concept for you but you treat us badly enough we do walk away. As Johnny so correctly observed today there is to abuse than hitting and you Bob Guza and your faithful minions have been emotionally abusing your audience for years.

Why is it the simplist ideas are often the hardest for people to grasp? And while I certainly am a big fan of lazy ways when it comes to things like getting exercise into my daily routine (hey parking the car at the far end of the block is exercise dang it!) and eating healthy (individual peach pie is good for a fruit serving right?)  when it comes to my soaps I want something more than the laziest possible scenario. 

As par for the course…lazy writing has been in abundance on GH these past few days. Well lazier than usual that is.

First there is the High King of the Lazy Plot….Jason’s “noble”  plan to go to jail on nothing charges to protect Michael.  First off lets start with the fact that this whole thing could have been handled by having Jason testify at Sonny’s trial (Since you know everyone testified that he and Sam were in the cabin anyways), perjury himself like Carly did twice and then take a deal to serve time for perjury in a deal he makes that sends him to prison to protect Micahel and Carly.  It would be therefore in character, plausible (well as plausible as anything is that every enemy of Sonny’s is in Pentonville but not one of the flunkies who’s taken the fall for these lunkheads wouldn’t be) and he would still be in jail for like the five days this will last. 

Plus it would also explain why the very real concept of a “prison transfer” has not been brought up by anyone!  Or the fact given the circumstances, Michael would likely get one pretty easily.  Andn it would also stop the ridiculous notion that since My Baby Daddy Judge Carroll dared to sentence Michael for a crime he did commit (and admitted to…in open court under oath) that was a pretty freaking big gift since you know all the evidence that backed up Michael’s story was destroyed by the Trio of Terror, then the only logical course of action is to blackmail him into letting Michael go.

I hadnt’ gone deaf from running pokers in my ears during Jason and Lucky’s “goodbye” scene to miss that Lucky was cheerfully advocating blackmailing a judge to Dante.  You all if that is Lucky’s alleged “Spencer edge”? Then it can go away.  If Lucky and Dante are sooo disillusioned with the way the court handled Michael’s case (And really Lucky’s lived in this town for how long and he thought it was going to go that way?  MORON!) then here’s the simple solution. They quit the force and start a  PI firm.  Wow! What an out there concept! But no…now we have to deal with two upstanding cops who were militantly anti-mob becoming dirty to protect a child of the mob who would and has spit on them more than once just because they are cops!

But that isn’t nearly as stupid as the tidal wave of idiotacy that is coming from Wyndemere these days.  Can someone please explain to me why Nik would allow Helena to move in, have access to the child she kidnapped before and within fifty feet of the child he beleives is his and use small words so I can understand it.  And while you are at it…if you can figure out why Helena is being able to manipulate himwith information he’s known since approximately 1998 that would be great as well.  He keeps going around town telling everyone he’s got an eye on Helena and he’s handling her.  Yeah tell that to the dead lab tech.  And Tracy.  But because the entire plot of Helena switching the paternity test requires her to stay in town and talk loudly about how she’s going to use this baby to destory the Spencers, then she must illogically stay at Wyndemere and not…say her own freaking suite with Thor at the MetroCourt.

I have enough issues going on in my life right now that I don’t need to watch GH with the following expression on my face for the entire hour.

For the one thing it causes frown lines.  For another it’s not very attractive if not even Steven Lars Webber can pull it off!  And for a final point, one of the hallmarks of daytime is you can figure out what is going on.  And I don’t mean in the repetivie, only morons could miss the point way…I mean in the “Hey I forgot to tape yesterday but the show is still governed by the rules of logic and reason” sort of way.

Because today’s episode?  I think Lost is less confusing!

Ok now first off yes I was eye rolling of the notion that Lucky Spencer, father of TWO children got a one bedroom apartment and put a giant pool table in it just like the one Jason has.  Sure GH….I so beleive that.  But someone please tell me the point of that entirely stupid scene?  Nik couldn’t ask… a lawyer? Alexis?  Anyone else this?  I give Lucky credit for not slugging his assuming ass but really they haven’t spoken and Nik thinks this is the appropraite way to start talking?  Trying to get information he could have gotten from just about anyone else in town?  I just….what the hell was the point? 

Ok now generally I feel the less said about Jason’s “brilliant” and “noble” sacrifice the better. It’s so unbelivable stupid and insane it doesn’t deserve attention.  Because as if, in respect to the idea that if the freaking federal government of the United States of America would go “oh wait…you’ll volunteer to go to jail for a mobster we have evidence to put away?  And while your in jail said mobster will be free to continue to run his criminal empire? Why win win for us all!”  And the idea that I should find this a deep and loving and unselfish sacrifice of Jason, a person who has killed on Sonny’s behalf for years and who helps run this criminal empire, is insulting and makes me want to vomit.   But then Sam started in….and her argument that Jason shouldn’t go to jail because Jake needed him to raise him since Elizabeth is unstable……and I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle her.  Memo to GH…the time to make Jason/Jake happened sailed like three years ago.  As Jason rightly observed yesterday Jake doesn’t have a clue who he is.  And every ounce of social worker in me screams at the notion that tearing a three year away from the only family he’s ever known just because Jason is allegedly his biological father and that should trump all. 

I do admit I laughed at Jason’s expression when Sam brough Jake up.

I think that was supposed to be regret but all I saw was trying to remember who this Jake person was.

Hey look everyone!  It’s a Magical Cancer Patient! Sent to make us all appreciate our lives and improve them in every single way!

Why I bet she has a love of life and stories that will relate in meanigful ways to several characters and give them a new lease on life and love!  Look at the pure goodness and wisdom radiating from her skin!  Why I bet she can even help cure a still un-named mental disorder!

I really want to like this story I do…..but I just have this feeling…..she’s going to be way too Pollyanna for me. Although I do give GH props for being honest in how Magical Cancer Patient will leave us.

Can’t say they aren’t letting us know up front can we?

I have gone on record that I hate how stupid this paternity switch storyline is making everyone…everyone including Helena. But you know what I hate more?  When it forces great talents like Jane Elliot and Constance Towers to play material that is so beneth them.

First off you actually thought Tracy overheard what Helena was talking about I do feel compelled to ask….have you seen a soap opera before? The only way to overhear something is through a door in clear view of everyone who somehow cant’ see you!  Now Tracy and Helena sparring ranks up there with Helena and Alexis sparring truly (and we got both in one episode!) but still playing this ridiculously stupid storyline is beneth all of them.

You know I get that Alexis has had one hell of an early Spring. I do. And I can understand her wanting to see her daughter happy for just a fraction of a second after all that Kristina has been through. I even understand Kristina not wanting to be in the hospital and being ashamed of herself. Totally get all of that. But for reals when did Alexis have a brain transplant?  She credited Nikolas with being good with kids for Kristina smiling?????  Nikolas?  And not say Spencer and his sweater vest?

His fobbing his parenting duties off on Kristina today instead of Alfred is supposed to make me swoon?  Oh what the feck ever GH.  He did nothing.  And while I recognize your way obvious attempts to whitewash the fact Nik is a complete and total tool come on. You spent roughly the last six months having random characters walk around and take pot shots about his parenting skills. Helena even pointed out to Alexis today that he sucks.  And I was supposed to give him credit?  Any credit for Kristina smiling goes to Spencer and his always present sweater vest.  (Also…toatlly impressed both Kristina and Spencer acted like they knew who the other one was! That must be that Cassadine breeding we keep hearing about.)

Oh and when Alexis pointed out to Nik that Helena was clearly up to something and Nik declared he had it under control?  Was I supposed to be impressed?

The man couldn’t tell he was being scammed by Rebecca despite being told point blank by at least three different people that was what she was doing until Lucky let him know Ethan copped to it.  Helena was able to fake her death!  He thinks every day is opposite day! He totally thought that once Lucky had a minute to think about it, he would jump for joy at the prospect of Nik and Liz hooking up.  He thought Liz staying in a hospital that Helena controls (which he knows about) and taking a paterntiy test in a hospital under her real name  with Helena in town was all a good idea AND apparenlty couldnt’ figure out a way to hide a second paternity test from Helena!   I don’t have confidence he could find his way out of Wyndemere if he didn’t have Alfred to tell him where to go! 

This is the person who has Helena under control?

You know on second thought…maybe Alexis didn’t have brain damage after all. Maybe just questionable taste?

Photos by Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!


Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

{March 16, 2010}   Stuck on stupid and offensive

You know the bad thing about GH’s inability to concentrate on more than two stories for any length of time is A – there is no escape when the storylines are epically bad and B – when they are actually trying to be good, the flaws are oh so much more obvious.

Lets start with the just stupid one and work our way into deeply problematic and hypocritical shall we?

Alright to the shock of only the dead, Lucky was named the winner in this round of “Who knocked up Elizabeth Webber?”.  Which we all guessed since he’s the one walking around talking about how much he doesn’t want to be the father and all Elizabeth has been able to talk about is how much she wants Lucky to be the father.  (Plus you know the whole “Lucky is now played by Jonathan Jackson and will therefore be the predetermined winner in anything that doesn’t involve the mob”)    And also to the shock of the dead, Helena is playing paternity games in some elaborate, I’m sure will fail by November sweeps plot point of Guza’s to drag out a festering triangle just a little longer. 

Now as any fan of Helena can tell you I don’t have an issue with Helena being crafty and screwing with the Spencers.  It’s totally in her nature and right up her alley. What I have major issues with is the major players in this storyline being so brain dead that she litterally could change the test in front of them and they would still fall into her plot like domminos.  We have Nikolas, who has heard Helena’s ramblings about wanting a new heir, has gone so far as to order a second paternity test…not questioning why the test was delayed.  We have Lucky, who was kidnapped and brainwashed by Helena, not suggesting his own second paternity test.  And we have Elizabeth, who is aware of paternity shenanigns that go on at GH (as is Nikolas) , who has been told by Helena that she controls Shadybrooke who is taking this test under her real name at General Hospital while Helena is in town. 

We aren’t even going to go into my beloved Steven being bullied by her by a referrence to something we all know won’t be brought up until he discovers proof of the false paternity results and then will be blackmailed into lying to his sister by lets go with Nik since that’s the obvious choice now. (Always bet on obvious. Always!)  I wept.

All these people are aware of Helena’s reputation and no one has even considered that taking a paternity test while she is lurking around under their real names in a hospital she’s been known to run some scams through is a bad idea? 

Idiots. The whole lot of them. Cam needs to take Jake and this new baby come August and run far far away.

And now onto the attempt to be socially relevant.

I have no issues with a well written, good intentioned, well researched social issue storyline on daytime.  Because of  daytime’s unique daily serial nature I feel they are often the best tool to address taboos and storylines that often force us the viewers to look at uncomfortable situations. Because these characters are in our home every day we grow to care about them as our own family members.  And for many of us, issues dont’ really hit home until we personally experience it.  How many of us didn’t really grasp the sacrifice and unselfish decision it is to donate a loved one’s organs was until we watched Tony’s heartbreaking decision to donate BJ’s heart to Maxie?  Look at how Robin’s diagnosis of HIV has changed since it first happened.  At first fans were upset they would eventually watch Robin die from AIDS and now we have seen her marry and have a healthy child of her own while becoming a doctor.  These storylines often work better on soaps than a one hour drama or dramedy becuase the “afterschool special” feel is often not present.  (As much as I love Glee and Artie…”Wheels” is kinda a turd of an episode.)

And a subject like initimate partner violence among teens is an issue that needs to be addressed and seems perfectly fit for daytime.  It’s a storyline that necessarily takes a long time to build.  The multi-dynamics that are played in such relationships can be shown, instead of what we normally see which is the abused wife/girlfriend when she comes into the hospital and the dynamic caring doctor tries to get her to leave.  So in theory I have no issues with Kristina’s abusive relationship with Keifer and the recent beating Keifer laid down over her ditching him to flirt with way older Ethan. 

Except this storyline stayed focus on Kristina and her possible recovery from this for like a minute.  We have fully moved into “Sonny is a good dad and wants to protect his kids” arc.  Also known as trying to whitewash the fact that Sonny shot  Dante in the chest in coldblood. It’s also the start of the “thaw” between Dante and Sonny so they can bond as father and son and Dante will finally understand that Sonny is a good man who cares for his kids and sending him to prison is a bad bad idea. 

Kristina’s fingering of Ethan led to Sonny’s predictable response of immediately threatening revenge….and the painting of the PCPD as incredibly incompent idiots.  Look I’m no fan of Ethan as you all know but come on!  He was seen by multiple people at the time of the beating. Sam was busy telling him that being a con man was so much worse than being a con woman who is sleeping with a professional killer.  Not to mention the fact tha he is a doofus who’s hasn’t even managed to knock the crap out of someone who really deserves it in his book, namely Nikolas.  He’s not hit the big fat floating head people!  It’s not like Nik is hard to miss! 

Plus….look I know evidence is secondary to Sonny’s judgement but if Ethan litterally just beat her up..wouldn’t he be…I don’t know…COVERED IN HER BLOOD?  Wouldn’t her DNA be all over him?  Also..why is his brother still on this case?  Lucky can claim conflict of interest to try to get out of investigating his second cousin that pretends he doesn’t exist Michael….but he’s so clearly still on the case to investigate half-brother Ethan?

Sonny’s entire tirade to Ethan about how there is no scum lower than a so-called man who would lift a hand to a woman or a child?  Look I agree and so does the prison system pyramid of power…but really Sonny? REALLY?  Yeah I’ve never seen you lift a hand to a woman to hit her….I’ve just seen you shake them down after discovering they are wearing a wire for the FBI (Brenda), shoot them in the head while giving birth (Carly), throw money at them and make them crawl for your pleasure because you doubt the depth of their grief (Courtney’s mother), order their murder in front of a room full of witnesses (Claudia), throw barware at them (all of them really) and throw around the words “bitch”, “whore”, “slut”,”tramp” and the like so much I wonder if you are aware those words are deeply offensive (Again all of them). No Sonny’s not laid a hand on a woman to hit her…but it’s not that far of a stretch to see that he very well could.  His emotionally abusive and manipulative dealings with women is one of the reasons it is vile he’s the lead of this show.

Stories such as this are great for umbrella stories that affect the entire canvas.  But instead of focusing on how Sonny’s hatred of women has trickled down to the daughter who desperately wants his attention and has helped shaped her view that it is entirely ok to be treated exactly like this, the show is going in the predictable route of Sonny the avenging father, Jason the truth seeker who will discover the truth and save everyone and somehow making this all about how Luke and Sonny will survive this blow to their friendship….that just returned to BFF status like a week ago with no explanation. 

It is offensive to me that when given such an opportunity to impact so many women and girls in a positive manner, a chance to really take GH in a new direction and really give it’s lead actor some meaty material to work with, this show instead decides it’s best to use such an important plot to further plots of lesser impact and focus it squarely on how it will affect one man and one man alone.

{March 5, 2010}   Wanted: Earth logic

My mom always used to say that common sense was the least common of all the senses.   What she forgot to mention was that some people not only lacked common sense, they also lacked a logical thought process that resembled things we do here on planet Earth.   If she had told me that, maybe then I could understand the thought process of some of the citizens of Port Charles.

For example, Sonny.  Who has apparenlty convinced himself that the fact he pulled the trigger and shot Dante in the chest is completely the fault of everyone in Port Charles but him.  It’s Jax’s fault becuase Jax has the crazy idea that Sonny being in jail for crimes he does commit all the time is a good thing!  And he knew that Dante was Sonny’s son and didnt’ tell him for this elaborate clearly jealousy driven revenge plan.  It’s also  Patrick’s fault for not stopping Sonny in the street and breaking doctor-patient confidentiality to tell him what he overheard Olivia say.  I’m sure he is just kicking himself that AJ is really dead now because you  just know he thinks somehow AJ did this all on purpose.  Why AJ, Jax and Patrick probably built a time machine, went back in time to tell a teenaged Olivia (Cause for serious I have totally forgotten how old she was since they change it every other episode) to hide Dante from Sonny.  And then clearly, they went into the future and hide in Sonny’s house and they shot Dante from over Sonny’s shoulder.

Sonny….people think you should go to jail because you are a fucking criminal.  Stop breaking the law and people might stop trying to send you the big house.  Also, YOU PULLED THE FREAKING TRIGGER OF THE GUN.  YOU PLANNED THE DAMN MURDER ATTEMPT.  Quit your whining that SHOCKER your newly found son doesn’t instantly love you and kinda resents the hell out of the fact that YOU SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST.  My God, I think you get that concept since I have to hear you whine about Deke every three point five seconds.

I’d talk about Carly’s “reminder” to Jax about what he would lose if he continued this ridiculous vendetta against poor poor wrongly persecuted Sonny….but I have blocked that nightmare from my memory.  And Carly logic defies explanation at all times not just this week.

And we are going to file this last one under be careful what you ask for.  See on Thursday my friend and I were emailing each other at work as we usually do.  And we were discussing how curious we were about Nikolas’s thought process because we did not understand it in the least.  Our only explanation was that he thought eveyrone was playing Opposite Day and that’s why it doesn’t matter what words come out of people’s mouths….clearly they mean something else.

Good Lord I was just joking.  His explanation of his thought process the past two days has left me with  more questions than answers.  Liz is in Shadybrooke because she doesn’t know how she feels about him?  It’s not the suicide attempt she pulled when discovering she may possibly be tied to him for life?  If papers are private Helena will totally not go snooping?  And yet he thinks he needs to order a second secret paternity test because of her?  He wants the baby to be his because it will be a bridge to Liz? Like Kristina was for Sonny and Alexis?  Yeah Sonny and Alexis have nothing between them anymore but gosh Alexis is defending Sonny on murder charges?  At that point I was laughing so hard I might have passed out and had to finish the scene the next day.

And he just didnt’ stop.  He’s not seeing Elizabeth or talkign to her per her request, but he’s looking for her at the hospial (everyone seeing through him was made of epic amounts of win) and he’s sending his lawyer over with a ridiculous gift that would almost guarantee some sort of repsonse from her.  He’s not trying to pressure her but he’s going out of his way to press his case to her best friend that she’s leaning on right now.  And when Elizabeth turned down his offer, he asked why Jason could take care of Jake but he couldnt’ take care of his kid?

Well Nik as everyone has pointed out to you multiple times this week, you dont’ take care of the kid you have.  Also….YOU DON’T KNOW THIS IS YOUR CHILD.  And finally…could you use actual FACTS?  Jason isnt’ taking care of Jake. LUCKY is.  And Elizabeth had been attempting to dissolve that trust.  Also….you do realize you argued that if the baby was yours you wanted Elizabeth to hide it from you for years because she doesnt’ want the baby to be a part of your life, you’ll be locked in almost constant custody battles, your child will resent the hell out of you for ignoring him or her (hey Spencer will do that clearly) and you won’t actually be friends at all? 

Think Elizabeth needs a roommate at Shadybrooke? I’m feeling the need to check in.

In the past two days…as is typical with GH…there have been so moments of awesome and some moments of downright horror.  I think we need to start from the bottom and work our way up.

The Horror

I do not want to know what is going on there.  I think it might be safer for us all if we dont’ know what is going on there.  Is he trying to make us long for the glory days of the white man jheri curl perm?  I know Luke has a severe allergy to appearing old (at least that’s my current reason for having nothing to do with Lucky’s children.  I mean I don’t see him passing up the opportunity to tell an entire new generation that Lucky becoming a cop was the worst decision in the history of the entire world!)  but soemtimes you just got to let the fight go.

Probably Only Written to Drive Me Personally Nuts


Can anyone explain the recent bromance between Jason and Lucky to me?  In terms that involve logic and common sense that is?  Cause I don’t get it.  Look I don’t think these two hate each other. I really don’t.  But this buddy-buddy “scratch my back and well Jason won’t really scratch yours but it will appear to be that” stuff is just….insane. First off, is there really no one else in town that Lucky can spill his issues with Elizabeth to besides the last guy she cheated on him with?  You know, the one that is allegedly the biological father of Jake?  The child Lucky beleived for almost a year was his until no one could take the lying about it for Jason’s sake?  I mean I get he can’t talk to Nikolas about this.  Luke is about as unbiased as a Korean short track speed skating fan.  Ethan…well in my mind Ethan doesn’t exist.  Lulu is back to pretending Lucky doesn’t exist.  Leave it to this particular storyline that Guza remembers he freaking isolated Lucky for a decade for no apparent reason! 

I know that in Guza world all stories must involve either Jason or Sonny.  And sure if I beleived for one second Jason cared about Jake, I get the fact that he would be concerned about the out of nowhere trip to Shadybrooke Elizabeth took.  But all this discussing of Lucky’s feelings…Jason giving Lucky advice about how to handle this situation…..the two them practically getting ready to make out in front of us…..makes no sense.  Jason suddenly being cocerned for how this affects Lucky rings false since the previous two years Jason seemed to place concern for Lucky under “concern for the Qs” on his list of priorities.  Also, for all the internet chatter about how Lucky is suddenly super smart (he’s really not…its just the rest of the town is now allowed to consider his ideas instead of laughign at them), only rank idiots of the first order think the perfect person to continually confide your relationships woes to is the secret biological father of the child you are pretending to raise so no dangerous mobsters can harm him or his mother, who cheated on you to produce said child. 

Jason and Lucky being besties is like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston becoming best friends and shopping buddies tomorrow. 

So Stupid It Could Only Involve Nikolas Cassadine

I’m not made of stone.  The sight of Cam and Jake in their matching haircuts visiting the mommy will of course melt me like a giant stick of butter.  They are impossibly cute and Cameron can do no wrong.  Never ever.    But it’s the reason why they came to visit.

Not because their great-grandmother brought them.  Not because their equally awesome and adorable uncle brought them. Not because their parents talked and decided how they would explain mommy’s visit to the funny farm together in a way that is not terrifying to them.  No. They visited because their meddling, can’t take a hint uncle decided this was the perfect opportunity to make himself look like a family man and not the type of guy who ignores his own kid constantly.   

Did it cross his phenomneally huge floating head this might not be the best idea.  As has been noted many many times, Cam and Jake are young.  Very young.  And Shadybrooke is a mentally institution.  Allegedly people who are seriously disturbed are staying there.  You don’t just bring kids into this environment without consulting with their parents.  Which Nik isn’t.  He’s their non-involved uncle.  That’s it. Much like his telling Ethan about Elizabeth’s rape wasn’t his call, taking Cam and Jake to see Elizabeth wasn’t his either. I know it fit in his plan to prove Elizabeth wrong, that he really is the greatest dad ever….but mission fail Dikolas. 

I have many many issues about this ridiculous way to obvious storyline (like Lucky’s clearly the father since he wants it least, Helena will mess wiht test and Nikolas will play right into Helena’s hands so many times we’ll be demanding a DNA test on him before the new year comes in.) but if Shadybrooke is responsible for Elizabeth’s awesomely reality checking Nik about his lacking in the fatherhood department AND finally seeing through his manipulations that he used in the past to keep her near him (i.e. not actually listenign to her and doing the exact opposite of whatever she said)…then three cheers for Shadybrooke.

By the way..this was Nik’s face when he realized his oh so brilliant plan failed.

Watch out Emmy 2011!

So Awesome Words Can Not Describe It!

I admit I might be a little, tiny bit fangirl about Steven Webber.  Just slightly. And yes I have a total soft spot in my heart for his and Robin’s relationship. But come on you guys, how freaking awesome was he on Friday?

First the way he handled Patrick and Robin’s public argument? Fabulous!  (and for the record..I was on Patrick’s side for that! )  The way he just defied the natural order of things in Port Charles and boldly declared the blasphmous statements that being a mob kingpin who donated to a charity 15 years ago didn’t rate preferential treatment and wasn’t immediately shot for it?  Heavenly!  And then there was him and Robin at Kelly’s.

And he and Robin had what is completely rare in Port Charles, the start of a non-sexual male/female friendship! I know! I didn’t think they did these anymore either! While I would not be opposed to them getting romantic somewhere down the line, I love him being able to articulate Patrick’s side to Robin in a way that didn’t threaten her marriage or sound like a big strong man explaining something to the stupid little woman.  Robin was able to express her point of view without being attacked! 

Look how happy that made her!  And he even was somewhat responsible for Scrubs making up today!  Three cheers for the complete awesomeness of Steven!  Too bad the rest of the show couldn’t find it catching.

Photos courtsey of  Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

I want to give credit where credit is due…and when such an unexpectedly awesome, hillarious, snarky and truthful line occurs I think it must be recognized.

So amid the madness of the insanity of “Jason would have attempted to kill Dante in a way more honorable manner” and the absurdity of “Jason lecturing Dante on showing your biological relatives respect”….the line of the day must go to Elizabeth Imogene Webber.

Yes that Elizabeth.

Yes I find the breakdown storyline horrifically underwritten and more than a little insulting.  But if it lead to a moment like this…well I’ll give her a slight break

Liz: So you think staking a claim to this baby is kind of like staking a claim to me?
Nikolas: No, no of course not.
Liz: Are you sure? Because you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?

All that was missing from that was a loud “YA BURNT!” from a random orderly walking around Shadybrooke!

Well played Elizabeth! Well played!

You know I actually do like the Cassadines.  Loved Stefan.  I worship Helena as the goddess she is and I love how she won’t hesitate to cut a bitch.  A good Helena put down is worth it’s weight in gold. Remember when she told Courtney she wouldn’t trust her with the care and feeding of a hamster much less the Cassadine hier? Good times.  Alexis is all things awesome and fabulous.  Mikkos tried to freeze the entire freaking world which is pretty much the definition of bad ass in my book.  And Spencer Cassadine is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one can. 

And then there is Nikolas.  The sanctimonous pissy whiney baby of the bunch.

Oh. My. Freaking. God. You all was he seriously being all whiney about people judging him for his nasty disgusting crime against nature with Elizabeth?  Hello! People who don’t want to be judged maybe should’t exclusively chase engaged/married women!  Call us crazy but people tend to judge a man-whore like that!  And not to mention but who the hell is judging him?  Lucky yelled at him, which he deserved.  Lulu mildly chided him and blamed it all on Liz. Luke never really liked him in the first place and neither did Ethan.  That’s it.  People have not been staring at him at GH.  People have not been debating if he’s  a good father and should Lucky make a move to get custody of Spencer. (Answer…yes. yes he should. then the child would be seen!)  WHO IS JUDGING HIM?????  I’ve seen harsher judgments during the audition rounds on American Idol!

And if apparently there are just random bands of townsfolks just hopping the launch out to Wyndemere to yell the equivilant of slut at him….Number one where do I sign up to join and number two WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T WE SEEN SUCH GLORIOUSNESS?  I think we would all love to see that right?

And for all the talk today and for the past six months about how Cassadine he’s being, I’m sorry. I register an objection for the real Cassadines.  Nik is acting like a Cassdine. Ok Mikkos apparenlty couldnt’ keep it in his pants either but come on!  He’s mooning over Elizabeth (who hates him) and does….nothing?  Stefan made plans and constatnly tried to one up Luke.  Nik is….just waiting for Lucky to stop being mad?  Waiting for Liz to go on vacation? I don’t get it.  In order to get back at Luke for killing her husband and to get the Ice Princess, Helena faked Lucky’s death and brainwashed him to kill Luke.  Nik finds out about a con Rebecca failed to do…failed…and his grand revenge scheme is date her and then dump her.  That was it!  His grandfather tries to freeze the world. His grandmother kidnapped not only his brother but his mother too.  His uncle managed to hide the fact Leslie was alive for years just too keep Laura near him and all this punk ass can come up with is date and dump her?  And everyone thinks he’s going Cassadine?    Stavros is going to become an unfrozen again just to kick his ass for such lameness.

Plus there is the fact he always looks bored.  Pop quiz…the following expression…..

is appropriate to wear when…..

A- deciding what to eat for lunch

B – choosing what clothes to wear

C- picking out which servant gets to raise Spencer this week or

D- telling one of the people who hate you the most about the current love of your month’s traumatic rape at 15 to explain why she hates Valentine’s Day while she is not there and hasn’t given you one lick of permsission to do it.

Clearly the answer is D. I mean…its soooo obvious!

What in the name of all that is holy and pure was that?  Was I supposed to be impressed that he explained Elizabeth’s bizarre breakdown to Ethan? Thankful he took time out of his busy day of doing nothing to explain it?  Did I miss the episode where Elizabeth told Nik it was completely fine with her for him to tell whoever the hell he wanted about her traumatic experience?  You know the one that she went through?  And took her forever to talk about with anyone that wasn’t Lucky?  That one?  Is this what happens when you free some sexually? You get a free pass to just blab your alleged loved one’s private life all over town?  If Elizabeth had wanted Ethan to know that…she would have told him when she was with him. 

And if you are going to do something so completely over the line…could you at least have the decency look, oh I don’t know…..torn, upset…anything about it?  Any emotion. Just pick one.

How did a character that has the awesome backstory of the Cassadines…Laura freakign Spencer’s son…..turn out to be such a lame, whiney douchebag crybaby with a serious boundary issue?

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{January 26, 2010}   The cheese stands alone

Let me be clear. In no way am I defending the grossness of Niz. You all know me better than that.  I am not going to try to defend Elizabeth’s actions.  There is no defense for this.    And yes I have been waiting for Lucky to call Liz and Nik out with the rest of you.  And since the days of the Jason mess I have been wanting someone to scream at Liz.

But the “It’s All Liz’s Fault and She’s the Only One to Blame”  hit parade is ridiculous.  Completely and totally.

First we have Lucky channelling Sonny and calling her every name in the book. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Tramp.  Now yes he has a right to be angry and lash out.  But when the same character called her a “lying whore” after the Jake reveal the entire internet slammed him as not being the real Lucky.    And allegedly he was showing remourse later when he was with Luke but I didn’t see it.  Classic Lucky  Spencer guilt and remourse is him about drowning in self hate.  Not alcohol.  Now let us compare with what he yelled at Nikolas…the equally guilty party.

“Cassadine through and through.”

Now I know for a Spencer this is the height of insult.  But really? That was it?  If Liz got all that and Nikolas didn’t deserve at least a “bastard my mother was right to abandon”?  Lucky was lookign to destroy them and he knows their buttons. Liz’s is the boys.  Nik’s is his insecurity where Laura is concerned.  He went there with Liz. Why the hell not with Nik? 

And lets examine the fallout that’s been Emmy baiting out there.  We have Carly declaring that Liz is now an unfit mother and Jason…..the never changing murderer for hire mind you…..should sweep in and claim Jake…taking that child away from teh only parents he’s ever known and his brother.  Cause that’s so smart.  And Carly…going on about how Liz is a nympho who’s priorities are in her pants…which make her an unfit mother. Carly.  Sitting in judgement of sleeping with two brothers. Has she forgotten why everyone fell for her Michael is Jason’s son lie so easily? SHE SLEPT WITH BROTHERS!  Half of her issues with Jax are due to her cheating on him with Sonny.  And while no she didn’t say anythign to Liz..come on. It’s Carly. She’s going to.  We all know that. 

And Lulu.

Ok so I get that as Nik’s sister she would be inclined to want to protect her brother and I appreciate the fact that she is stuck in the middle here. I do. But holy hell.  She knew about Nik’s feelings for Liz. She blamed Liz completely for them.  She made the comment that at least they weren’t sleeping together, which Nik did not correct and yet she is still furious with Liz more than Nik.  Nik repeatedly owned up to his own fault.  Lulu’s response was basically “yeah yeah….we all know Liz is a slut”.    She even was all angry about the Jason involvement….when hello she basically hand waved that away and told both Liz AND Jason that she totally understood why the Eternal One Night Stand from Hell happened.  She was one of the biggest proppers of Jiz should be together and happy.  She went off on her brother for not forgiving Liz in like five seconds after he found out about the ONS.  People who spent the majority of two years propping a couple do not get to turn around act offended by it.

Now lets move on to her confrontation with Liz…which while she confronted Nik in private….Liz she went after in front of her friends and work colleges.

Where the entire town…for no reason…just stood there and watched.  Robin..who knew about this…did nothing but looked shocked. (Why? She knew what was going on between Liz and Nik. She’s known the longest of anyone) Patrick, who’s been a good friend to Liz…did nothing. Epiphany who doesnt’ hesitiate to tell anyone else to shut up and quit disrupting her hospital just stood there.  Sonny was there because all stories must involve Sonny.  Lisa was there…well I can’t figure out why Lisa is in Port Charles in the first place so confusion over her is nothing new.    Lulu just kept going…again I don’t necessarily disagree that the stuff needed to be said and I recognize a tear a character down to build her back up storyline when I see one.  But really…I’m supposed to buy all these people..most of whom like and respect Liz even when they don’t agree with her choices just stood there? That Ethan of all people had enough sense to get Lulu out of a hospital where there are sick people and her shrieking might do damage to their recovery?    I was feeling gratitude for Ethan? I don’t want to feel anythign for Ethan other than disgust and annoyance at his mere pressence!   

And furthermore…why the feck was Ethan the only one to check on Liz?  Why not Robin who knew this was going on? Why not Patrick who’s always been a good ear to Liz? Why did no one call her brother the Chief of Staff of the hospital and tell him what went down?  No. This random still unwashed grifter was the only one to check on her?  I call shenanigns!

In one episode this show had me agreeing with Nikolas (it is his fault too and he was the instigator), Jason (Carly’s logic was so seriously flawed it’s a wonder she’s able to walk upright) and feeling gratitude for Ethan (for getting Lulu out of there and making sure Liz was ok afterwards.)   I hate all three of them and never EVER want to feel anything other than disgust and boredom from them.  Are my paranoid thoughts right and Guza does know who I am and he’s purposely trying to drive me to a mental institution?  In that case…you win Guza. I check in tomorrow.

I knew from the beginning that GH would never shove Nik under the bus. They trotted out that “going dark because of Rebecca” excuse so often it became a great drinking game!  And lets be honest…the second Jon signed the new contract we all knew Lucky wasn’t going to be shoved under there.  Come on.  We all know if Greg was still there we’d have heard about Maxie, the drugs, Sam and Sarah. We all know it.  Instead all we have heard is Liz and Jason and the Jake lie.  I knew pretty much from minute one that Liz was always going to be the one who shouldered all the blame for this. After all that’s what they did with the implosion of Jason/Liz.  She couldn’t handle the danger was the reason, not Jason’s complete lack of interest in changing anything about himself.  And I have seen a lot, and I do mean a lot of characters shoved under the bus on this show.   So all this does not surprise me.

What does astound me is the praise and cheering on of this behavoir I’m seeing. Yes Liz acted reprehensively. Yes Nik andLiz deserve to get lambasted. But that’s the point. Both of them do. Not just Liz.   Where’s the violent cursing out of Nik? Where’s the accusations that Nik is a damn poacher who’s done this twice before?  That Nik should have learned his lesson after Emily and Courtney?  That if Nik was so damn concerned about his brother, he wouldn’t have been instigating anything with the love of his brother’s life?  Why has no one brought this up!  It’s completely relevant!  Yes these words are about three years too late when it comes to Liz…as they should have come after the Jason incident.  But come on people!  They are two people who screwed up here (pun intended) and only one…the female….is getting the heat.  That’s it.  Nik is getting off LIGHT. 

So let me just say…when this type of behavior befalls your favorite character (and Liz isnt’ mine.  So dont’ go there) and you are crying out about Guza’s hatred of women…I want everyone to remember this exact week…and how loudly you cheered for it. Because it’s reactions like this…that allow Guza to get away with what he does.

et cetera