Sarcastic Clapping











Take note dear readers if any of the following situations occur….immediately…DO NOT WAIT… DO NOT PASS GO…DO NOT COLLECT $200…immediately rethink your plan and come up with an alternative course of action.

1. Luke Spencer who for the past decade has used a grand total of ONE disguise/alias (Dr. Von Skimmerman) and managed to get kidnapped by Helena in the most wholely boring and pointless kidnapping in the history of kidnapping….who can’t remember he has more than one child and who mistakenly beleives Laura Spencer is a boring hausfrau….thinks your plan is stupid.

2. Max Giambetti….who was recently moaning about the fact he didn’t get his recently legal charge that he’s known since he was like 5 a hooker for his 18th birthday and who is single-handedly responsible for every kidnapping that has befallen his job because he epically epically sucks at his job…..thinks your plan is stupid.

3. Milo Giambetti….who does what his brother says and therefore aslo epically epically sucks at his job beause well look who his boss is……who looks up to Spinelli….SPINELLI OF ALL PEOPLE…and who seems to have the social skills of a flea….thinks your plan is stupid.

This think tank of genius is almost spelling it directly out for Sonny that his latest half-cocked revenge scheme is going to epically fail!  THESE THREE!  If any of these three told me the sky is blue I would question it myself first and we are all in agreement here.  In the history of Sonny’s dumb ideas which include shooting into the room where he knew his pregnant wife was being held, using the “funeral” of his son to cover up his retaliation hit on the family everyone knew he held responsible for Michael’s “death”, getting Michael shot because he didn’t take bodyguards to the warehouse, not understanding the concept of abuse and not to mention the cover up of a crime that would have been ruled JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE and resulted in no jail time for his son…this HAS to rank as his dumbest.

No one is going to be suspicious of a CAR BOMB Sonny?  Ok yes I know it’s the PCPD but it now has Super Cop Dante and Super Cop Lucky.  They’ll at least be suspicous for a few days!

No one is going to think you would do this because of what happened to Lily?  That might work if Idon’t know…you got out of the fecking business then you numbnuts!

No is going to think…”huh similar car bomb to what took out Lily Corrinthos…lets check that out”? 

When the brain damaged hitman is clearly the brains of the operation…..things are very wrong in Whoo-ville.



{June 8, 2010}   Maybe I have it backwards?

You know maybe it’s not that the people in charge of General Hospital think we’re morons. Maybe it’s the characters who are morons and the repeated dialogue is for their benefit and not ours!

Otherwise I can’t really fathom why Sonny Corrinthos is basically taking a census of every female in Port Charles over whether or not he abused them. Are we going to be subjected to this every day until he finds someone who agrees with his limited notion that abuse only happens when it involves fists?  I know self-awareness has never been Sonny’s strong suit…or even a remote possibility but still.  How many times does he have to hear that abuse is not just what Deke did before he gets it?  What does he need at this point? Cue cards? Billboards?  Television ads?  A subsciption to Lifetime Movie Network? 

Who’s he going to talk to next?  Will he randomly knock on Elizabeth’s door?  (HA! I made a funny! Like Guza’s going to allow this crazy thing called cast integration) Will he call up Maxie and ask her?  Lulu? Acutally Lulu would be relevant considering the loads of crap he’s laid on her feet lately for not daring to put his need to know about Dante above all else.  Or you know her apperant moral imperative to place Michael’s well being above say…the law.

Speaking of Michael, can he please stop monologuing on how awful prison is?  Is the concept that prison is a bad place really that revolutionary?  Given the way his entire family has avoided the damn place his entire life, you think would be the apparenlty earth shattering conclusion that it apparently is.  But no…we have to hear about it every three seconds.  I  understand this is  a hard time for him, what with being raped and not being able to say anything about it because it’s not sweeps anymore but still.  Maybe this is just the result of this show ignoring the actual legal system for the past decade but still, let’s not try to reinvent the wheel here.

However on a more positive note, I am loving the Johnny-Kristina interaction lately. Yes I know I’ve railed in the past about the illegal nature of Ethan-Kristina and how creepy I find it.  Does it make me a hypocrite?  Yeah probably.  Maybe my objection to that pairing may in fact be related to my still on going hatred of Ethan’s existance.  And yes Johnny’s pattern of Sonny hate is like sweet dirty talk to my ears.  But if this is set up correctly, I could so get into a Johnny-Kristina storyline.  Johnny swooping in to save Kristina from mean girls at school?  Sweet!  Johnny protesting to Sam that he is a good guy with morals who wouldn’t take advantage of Kristina?  I can believe that.  (Also…Sam….the last time you basically jumped down a guy’s throat for being near your sister, you almost got him killed for something he didn’t do.  Dial it back killer.) Right now I don’t get the vibe they are actually looking at a romance between them but a mututally supportive friendship that as a side benefit will completely piss off Sonny, whichis total win.  Plus Johnny carrying Kristina’s pink back pack is the stuff of teenage girl dreams. 

Just saying…the show keeps this up….you’ll be seeing them as frequently as you see Steven.



I have to be honest that when Johnny Zaccarah first arrived on my screen, I rolled my eyes.  The “greatest mafia son” ever wind up they saddled him with felt uncomfortably familiar with the build up of St. Jaysus Our Deadly Savior.  And the love story they shoved him in with Lulu was maddening in it’s anti-chemistry.  All the constant anvils that Johnny was just like Luke.  Johnny was respected by Jason. It was like the show was telling me that I had to live Johnny because of course I totally love the two characters they constantly compared him to.

Except I didn’t like Luke or Jason.  (I know…you are all shocked by that admission)  And to be 100% honest with you, every time I saw Brandon Barrash I would flash back to his time on Gilmore Girls and doubt the judgement of someone who willingly dated Paris Gellar.    (What do you mean that actors aren’t the same as their characters???)

But then they finally broke up him up with Lulu and hooked him up with Olivia.  On paper and in spoilers it seemed random as all hell but it’s surprisingly super hot. (the fact it requires frequent shirtlessness is a plus!) And quite frankly given the number of blatant times Sonny was sent sniffing in Olivia’s neighborhood….his relationship with her lasted a heck of a lot longer than I thought it would.  But I didn’t fully embrace Johnny until he became a one man truth teller about Sonny Corrinthos. 

It started with Michael getting shot in the head and Johnny correctly observed that it was the fault of every person who took up a gun and told themselves the lie they were doing this to protect women and children and not illegal business practices.  And then in the wake of his sister’s murder, he has become a one man band of Sonny hate. Which is always the way to my heart. 

But then this week….of all the people in the town…after I had gotten to the point I was begging the soap gods for even a random day player….Johnny finally said what quite frankly this show has been avoiding since they started the Kristina abuse storyline.

Johnny: I never had any proof that your father ever actually hit my sister. I never saw it happen. Claudia never told me about it. However, there were many times I was over there and I saw Sonny manhandle Claudia. Sometimes there would be even bruises up and down her arms from where he grabbed her. And his words…Claudia would flinch from Sonny’s words, as if they were fists. You know, sometimes it’s not the actual physical abuse that inflicts the most damage. Sometimes it’s the words. And Sonny called Claudia a whore all the time; told her every day that she was nothing. It’s abuse to promise love, win someone’s trust, and then turn around and to use that vulnerability as, I don’t know, a weapon against them.

After months of walking around telling us all that Sonny is not abusive because he has never hit a woman….Johnny finally spoke the words that needed to be said.  Abuse is not only physical. It is sometimes words.  And Johnny is totally correct that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is often the most damaging. Bruises fade.  You can move away and separate yourself from a physical abuser.  You can’t always predict what words stick in a person’s psyche.  Or when those words will replay themselves. 

Kristina: I know she was your sister, but she did get Michael shot. She wasn’t a nice person.

Johnny: Okay, but that does not make it okay, the way Sonny treated her. I mean, that right there is abuse, to make the victim and everybody else feel like it’s their fault. You said that I hate your father, and there’s really no denying that. But what I really cannot stand about Sonny is the way that he plays himself off like some… nice guy, when he’s caused a lot of damage to a lot of lives. And I don’t just mean my sister. Look what you’re going through right now. Look at Michael.

Yes Claudia was a nutcase whack job of the highest order. I hated her on sight.  But it doesn’t excuse how Sonny treated her.   Plotting to get pregnant, plotting to keep him from finding out she ordered the hit that accidentally caused Michael’s coma, having an affair with Ric…..nothing there was abusive either physically or verbally.  And if Sonny had an issue with any of these, you know the other option? Divorce.  Setting her up to be murdered in front of half the town? Not so much. 

Johnny: No. I couldn’t. You don’t hit somebody you love. And you don’t hit somebody that loves you. It was sad and delusional, but Claudia did love Sonny in her own little screwed up way. That’s why the way he treated her hurt her so bad.

See how much better this message comes across from someone who realizes there is more than one form of abuse and acknowledges that his sister was a whack job?  No justifications of how it was alright what Sonny did to Claudia.  No excuse throwing that it’s the job.  Just the simple truth…you don’t hit someone you love or someone who loves you. It’s a message Kristina needed to hear the first night she confessed that Keifer beat her up and instead she heard about how Sonny would kill him if Alexis hadn’t done it first. 

Alexis: I certainly respect your right to grieve for your sister. And I certainly know how you feel about Sonny. Do you think it was a good idea to have a conversation with his daughter? It could be misleading.

Johnny: I didn’t mislead Kristina.

Alexis: Did you just tell her that Sonny abused Claudia?

Johnny: He did. That’s his thing. He degrades and bullies women. And he’s gonna keep on doing it until you people stop making excuses for him

Alexis, you are a smart woman.  You know this is how Sonny is with women. This is how he was with you.  And Sonny will continue so long as everyone pats his head and reaffirms his deluded notion that he is a good father.  Alexis, you kept your daughter out of his life for years for good solid reasons.  You would constantly point out the destructive nature of Carly and Jason’s relationship.  What did he do to you in order to attempt to get custody of Kristina?  He bullied you. He degraded you.  He enlisted other people to do the same thing.   Alexis come on now….remember how he actually is and not how you want him to be for Kristina’s sake. Remember you had to tell him to stuff the constant self pity about Deke and threatening to kill people in front of her while she was recovering! 

And God…was it glorious to hear Kristina level the truth at her father in her session.  It would have been even more glorious if her doctor told Sonny to shut it with the excuses and actually look up the word abuse.   I mean really Sonny? The doctor is brainwashing Kristina? Kristina got it confused?  Johnny manipulated the situation? You don’t have an entire organization of people that swing into action to save your idiotic behind?   And him asking Carly if he ever abused her while they were married…correct me if I’m wrong folks but didn’t he SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD?    And isn’t he still blaming everyone else for his shooting Dante in the chest?  It’s almost like TIIC heard all the criticism of this story that didn’t acknowledge the fact that Sonny was completely abusive as well as Keifer.  But I have to admit that there is a part of me that fears that even though right now…it looks like there is a very real chance we will have someone acknowledge that Sonny is in fact an abusive asshat…..there is that part of me that watches this show that feels it’s a all a set up….that it will come out in later events that Johnny was attempting to manipulate Kristina with distorted facts just to get back at Sonny.  After all I have watched this show before and seen such things happen.  Everyone vowing to change their ways when Michael was shot and the promptly changing…absolutely nothing for example.  So while I am cautiously optimistic about said truth telling I will cover my bases and say this as well.

Farewell Johnny….you were great while you lasted!



{May 27, 2010}   Crystal blue confusion….

I admit that I am a blonde who’s hair has gone darker as I have gotten older.  So I am no stranger to sterotypical stupid moments where I forget something basic or say something horrifically dumb. Add into this mix the fact I am basically shy and highly prone to embarrassment and you’ll understand why I have taken to the internet to express myself.  (It admittedly doesn’t explain why I have always worked retail jobs that kinda depend on being outgoing and friendly but that’s why there’s therapy people!)  The point of my sharing is to admit that I have come to expect a fair bit of confusion to occur in my daily life and Lord knows since I watch GH, my soap as well.   And usually, there’s one..just one storyline where while it might make me want to spit nails in hatred, at least it makes sense. 

And then there are weeks like the past few on GH.  Where nothing makes sense!

Lets start with the big kettle of fish…The Terribly True Adventures of Guilty but Should Get a Free Pass Michael in Pentonville.  You all did you know prison was a bad place???  It’s completely new to me!  Why people who go there are bad…and like committed crimes….well not like Michael heroically commiting crimes but like the crimes that the enemies of Sonny always commit to take down Sonny.  Thank you Bob Guza for committing such a valuable public service to tell us that prisons are filled with criminals, corrupt guards and rapists.  Cause I’d never know.

And speaking of rapist…..Michael was raped show. We get it.  We the audience figured it out.  We’ve seen a soap before so we know that scrambling away from someone when they touch you is the sign of rape, much like fainting always only means pregnancy.  And I will admit that a well written, thoughtful portrayal of a man struggling with a sexually based attack, trying to come to terms with what not only his victimization but what it says about his sexuality would be groundbreaking.  However considering when Jax was chained spread eagle to a bed while he was kidnapped and forced to sleep with Irina because she threatened to kill Carly, I’m throughly confused as to why we are going down this well with Jason clearly going to end up being Michael’s trusted confidant (because again I have watched this show before) when the same situation happened to Jax….Jason laughed at it.   Giggled the entire time at the very idea that. So when he inevitably becomes sad panda over what has befallen Michael….I’m going to spend roughly 99% of the time wondering if he’s going to go to Jax and apologize for being such a dickwad.  And I know that’s not going to happen so that makes me  more confused as to why I’m supposed to find this dunderhead a hero in the first place!

Plus if the intent of the show is merely to inspire blog posts and internet discussions about whether or not GH would go that route and this is all an elaborate “gotcha” well I have to give an F on it.   It sends a dangerous message much like their notion that abuse is only physical.  This does happen in our society and I think it could be a potentially fantastic storyline to explore.  But to use it as a titliating buzz piece is just wrong.  Go there or don’t but don’t use it as a tease. 

Also speaking of Michael, if someone can explain to me why if Sonny goes to jail, everyone thinks Michael will go free I would be excellent.   I understand the concept of no politician wanting to help the son of a known gangster get out of trouble lest they seem soft on crime.  That makes total sense.  And I have no issues with people wanting to put Sonny in jail. Gold star for admittedly futile efforts there.  But why would Sonny going to jail clear the way for Michael to get out?  I mean know he’s going to get out but what politician would work overtime to free an 18 year old who admitted in open court that he killed a woman, participated in a cover up, fled the country to avoid prosecution and knew all of it was wrong?  Politicians won’t get involved in cases of women serving insane prison terms because their boyfriends made them unwilling drug mules but because Michael, who admitted to killing  a woman and was given the minimum sentence as a freaking gift since everything that backed up his claim of “self defense” (which is still a crock of crap.  Justifiable homicide sure but it wasn’t self defense)  was destroyed they will?  I can live in the Never Never Land they do cause clearly it’s some kind of wonderland.

Now between Claire’s self admitted baby rabies and Sonny’s status as Sperminator of Port Charles, I am deeply terrified that we are well on our way to the arrival of Sonny’s ninth child.    So in theory I have no issue with Lucky giving Claire the rundown on all the brunettes who have failed to take down Sonny but ended up in his bed.  And while I recognize a “wink wink nudge nudge” metajoke when I see one but when Lucky name dropped Hannah only one thought ran through my mind.  “Yeah I know she’s on the list and all but holy hell Detective weren’t you presumed dead, kidnapped and brainwashed through most of her time in Port Charles?  What you weren’t allowed to remember your family at all but worrying about Sonny’s love life was A-Ok as far as Helena was concerned? What the hell type of evil plot is that?” (Also pointing out the repeated nature of these storylines does not mean I’m not going to totally make fun of it if/when this storyline kicks in there show.  Nice try!) 

But then again….when you consider the “brillance” of Helena’s latest plot is it any wonder one of her most famous capers now doesnt’ seem to make much sense in light of that rundown?  For as many times as the show has promised us Helena will reveal her evil plan…I’m still waiting.  Also..Helena disappeares and it never occurs to Nik to check Greece?  Much like Luke’s dreaded Dr. Von Skimmerman “disguise”….Greece has only been her immediate choice of hiding place since well FOREVER.  And how did Luke know A – Helena wasn’t in town and B – was in Greece?  He didn’t check Wyndemere? Pay Nik a visit? Attempt to bribe Alfred? (You know Alfred is totally on Helena’s payroll.  You just know.)  Also still wondering why Nik is being so threatened by information he’s known since roughly 1998 and manipulation he’s seen no evidence of at all.  It would make way more sense if he was being bitchy to Lucky if I don’t know he overheard Lucky and Liz having a mature, supportive discussion or seen Liz asking Lucky to help her with Helena but he hasn’t.   And while I know Helena’s entire plan hinges on all three of them being at odds so she can work….I’m still stuck on what exactly her plan will accomplish and then we’ve entered the vicious cycle of hell and I want to get off this sick cycle carosel!

Alas it’s not just Luke and Lucky stuck in crazy cakes land. Now while Lulu is admittedly a moron of the highest order for trusting Carly one wit after Carly basically blamed her for global warming and all but well she is Lulu.  And it’s not even her I’m all that confused by. No it’s Brooklynn.  I don’t want to hate a Q but I fear I will with this.  She’s in credit trouble and yet I’m supposed to believe neither Ned or Lois is aware of this? HA!  Or that Edward doesnt’ pay like double that amount to keep himself in jaunty hats? Or that the Qs wouldnt’ rally to help her and bring her back under their roof to save her if they got any whiff of issues with Brooklyn? Or that Brooklyn could be in town for like two weeks and the Qs would not have descended on her and Edward force her to move back in as his great-granddaughter?  But all that’s kid’s play compared to the real confusion.

What in the name of Greg Vaughan did she do to her face?  It’s non-moving. It’s scary. It’s distracting.

And Patrick..oh Patrick…when did you regress to your daughter’s age?  What the hell was that today?  He’s the only one who can do any surgery?  I’m not complaining about the subsequent Robin defending Steven as awesome…but my god he was a whiney cry baby today over nothing.  And I’m sorry to the many Scrubs fans out of there…I am still not seeing how this is the start of Lisa being Fatal Attraction.   This is Patrick being a whiney bitch.

Normally I would write off this confusion as the results of a week that was too much work and not enough sleep but I really don’t think it is!



This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!



I think I  need to sue my gym.  See when I joined, they had all the TVs tuned to either ESPN or CBS. Which means I had one place where I could guarantee I would not be assulted with the rage I normally feel when I watch GH.  Having these rage attacks in the safety and privacy of my own home is one thing, but the general public tends to look at you funny when you start spouting obsentities at fictional characters and throwing things at the screen in anger.    Suggestions about checking yourself into a mental hospital (with a legitimate reason even!!!) tend to follow.

So imagine the torture my poor fellow gym members went through when I had the misfortune of catching today’s GH live.  LIVE!!! I didn’t even have the luxury of the fast forward button!  Or the mute!  I was trapped! Trapped!  And today of all days……

First there was the uncomfortable part where I had to explain to everyone near me that the reason everyone’s neck vein was about to explode was because a cop just reported a confession of murder.  And how even though the self-confessed justified killer, who was totally going to turn himself in to save his mobster father’s murdering ass….that was the wrong thing!  That the right thing is for everyone in town to bend over backwards to keep a kid who is already being crushed with guilt stay quiet and under that crushing load so he can “lead a normal life.”  One that apparenlty didn’t involve becoming involved in the mob even though that’s the only career option they’ve ever presented the child with.

Trust me….the looks people gave Elizabeth when she had her public “breakdowns”?  Nothing compared to the looks you get when you try to explain this out loud in English.

It was impossible to explain why I doubled over with laughter when Carly…Carly of all people….started lecturing that Lulu should have “protected” Michael by keeping up the insane cover up that makes no frigging sense on the basis of “family loyalty”.  Carly…who never ever uses the name Spencer.  Who at one point decided she could drum LUCKY FREAKING SPENCER out of the family because he dared to arrest Jason for breaking the law.  Who I think we can all agree would have run to Jason and Sonny before Lulu finished the words “Dante is an undercover cop” had Lulu told her that.  Carly who has been one of the head cheerleaders of “family is who you choose not who you are related to by DNA” for the past decade.  She’s lecturing about family loyalty.  The ironry/rage was so great I almost didn’t feel the barbell as it fell on my foot.  They wanted that reaction from me right? 

And I can’t even touch on how loud I screamed WTF when Carly called Lulu a “selfish bitch”.  You know children really say it best.  Takes one to know one.

Sonny is generally our all around champ when it comes to being a douche, but I must admit I scoffed when he stared in today on how awful it was that Lulu didn’t turn out exactly the way Luke would want and may, may have asked “What? Did he find out Nikolas was about to take his crown as high king douche?”   Look I think we all know Luke isn’t going to be thrilled by this but who the hell cares if Luke isn’t going to be thrilled with her?  Luke’s level of involvement with children not named Ethan these days is….nil.  Wooo her dad who Lulu thinks abandoned her will be disappointed in her.  Big fat whoop.

And then it came…….oh I had high high hopes after Friday that the bane of my existance….the storyline you all know I think was written just to spite me….Jason/Lucky’s ridiciulous and completely out of character BFF-ship was thisclose to being over.  When Lucky pulled the gun on Jason I was 99.99% positive it was finally done becuase as we all know….while Jason can threaten you with death on multiple occassions you can’t step to him or tell him he’s full of shit.  You don’t mess with St. Jaysus like that.  But then…Jason spoke…in the police station….that if it had been any other cop that Michael had confessed to and pulled a gun on him, Jason would have shot said cop but because it was Lucky and Jason doesn’t want to hurt Lucky, well I think the dogs in the pet store next door understood me more clearly than the poor fool on the elliptical machine next to me. 

What the hell was that today?  Am I supposed to be on Carly’s side when she had the exact same revelation that she did in April 2008 that she was the reason Michael is screwed from the get go?  Am I supposed to think Sonny’s isn’t a huge douche?  I know Dante/Lulu have the us vs the world thing going on right now but the show does not have to be so literal in this.   I get Carly feeling betrayed but on what planet is Carly loyal to any family than the one she chose wiht Jason and Sonny? 

And lastly….does Bob Guza really have it out for me and is he determined to make me a friendless loser just for thinking Jason, Sonny and Carly sucks?

It’s the last one. You so don’t have to tell me that.



{April 30, 2010}   Clueless conscienceless morons!

Tell me I was dreaming. Tell me I did not just witness a nationally televised show air an hour that included the lesson that cops are trained to lie, and therefore are devil betrayers that must be killed.

Unfortunately I watch GH so instead of dreaming I was actually living a nightmare.

What in the holy hell did I just watch?

Jason told Kristina and Molly that cops were trained to lie and they bought that crap? They immediately decided that Dante was evil and out to hurt poor innocent Michael?  Carly….Carly of all people screamed at Lulu about betraying her family for a guy she likes?  Sonny, Jason and Carly’s immediate decision upon hearing Dante’s truthful testimony is A – Michael must get out of the country and B – let’s put Carly back on the stand to commit more perjury because she’s so freaking awesome at it?  Lucky actually had to explain to Micahel this whole hiding out thing works better if you stay inside, especially when you are a giant?  (Ok that part was funny but still!) 

And Jason, Sonny and Carly are the heroes of this show? 

God they sunk my battleship!

I have been trying to work out for the past week how Dante telling the truth is on the same level as Jerry Jax/Mr. Craig.  Or why anyone would think that continuing to lie about Michael’s involvement constituted protecting him.  Did they not realize they rattled off about four different defense strategies that would have worked in the five minutes they spent babbling at the judge after Dante spoke?

Michael is a troubled young man.

Michael was in a coma caused by Claudia for a year and has documented brain damage regarding impulse control.

Michael walked in and saw what he thought was his mother and sister being attacked.

For all the talk this show does about Diane being a brilliant legal mind….she couldn’t have argued any one of these instead of risking de-barment for knowningly putting Carly on the stand to lie?  She couldn’t have been successful in getting Michael tried in juvenile court and getting off with therapy and a suspended sentence until he turned 18? 

These dumbasses cause this mess by covering up mitigating circumstances in the first place and then hiding Michael on the freaking island and they think it’s Dante’s fault that Michael might face charges?  Michael being out of the country would have rendered Dante’s testimony null and void?  (Ok it’s the GH legal system. That probably would have happened.) 

Carly….Carly who has never ever used the Spencer name, is about as loyal to Lulu as Noah “Puck” Puckerman is to any girl who won’t give it up, who has put Sonny and Jason before her mother, her current husband and her children’s well being is pissed off that Lulu stuck by her boyfriend?  Carly freaking stuck by Sonny when he shot Lulu’s boyfriend in the chest.  Dante and Lulu are responsible for ruining Michael’s life and not the idiots who put him in this exact situation in the first place? 

And we’re supposed to continue to cheer for these idiots? These are our heroes?   It’s the blind leading the moronic to preach to the idiotic! 

Let me just set these dumbasses straight.  The reason Michael’s life is ruined is because Carly and Jason decided years ago that raising that baby in the mob was a better option than having him raised by the Quatermaines.  A further reason is Sonny had AJ hung on a meathook because AJ was an alcoholic and that brain trust decided that was worse than being raised by a mob boss.  All the times Michael screwed up from the time he was a terrifying mini-Chucky doll till he swung an axe, these numbnuts covered it up, excused it and brushed it off as nothing.  He shot Kate in the chest and they wrote it off as boys will be boys.  The idea of him getting therapy, admitting what he did in court or even apologizing to Kate was seen as a punishment worse than death.  They worried and fretted about Michael wanting to join the family business but used that same business to bribe him into staying with them after he awoke from his coma, used it to get him out of trouble through intimidation and used it to bend the law and get him a temporary driver’s liscene. 

You know…all these things these feckers figured out when he axed Claudia in the first place! 

And now we are so going to sit through months where they whine and moan and try to blame Dante and Lulu and probably Claire for the predicament Michael is in. They will cry and moan about where did they go wrong as parents.  And you know what will happen?  People will line up to tell them they did everything right. They couldn’t have predicted the evilness of Dante.  Everything they did was to protect Michael and mold him into the greatest young man to ever exist.  Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?  Sorry!  But you know it’s true. 

Clueless morons!



First off I must apologize for neglecting you all this week shamelessly.  I had an unexpected tragedy in my family that required me to go back home to deal but I am back and ready to start dealing with the daily nightmare that is GH.

I must say though that I did have a few small moments of glee today.  And surprisingly it did not involve watching “The Power of Madonna” for the 90th time today.    Plus…in a completely shocking turn of events….neither of these events involved Steven Webber!  I know! I didn’t think it was possible either.

Let us start with the most obvious and clearly most deserving of thanks…..we have not been cursed with Jucky in almost two weeks. Oh sure I know that I still have tomorrow and clearly who else will Lucky confide his concerns about Elizabeth and her growing closeness with MCP to?  But with Michael missing the fact that Jason has not called Lucky 24-7 to get him to find Michael makes me smile hugely. 

And in a move I’ve only been asking for since….well she appeared lets be honest….finally someone realized that Helena’s interest in keeping Elizabeth and Lucky apart (so she can raise the newest Cassadine) is more than a little off.  Even more shocking for me…the fact the person was Luke made me grin.  LUKE MADE ME GRIN!  Seriously I did not think it was possible.

So the closing arguments were beyond stupid and Diane’s basically amounted to “Claire is a mean mean person and Claudia is a meaner person who deserved it”.    And yes I will pray for death because seriously they are insisting on showing jury deliberations….but still I did do a dance of joy over the closing arguments which means we are thismuch closer to ending this entire farce of a trial for good!  Who doesn’t get a small flutter of happiness over that? 

So three things….three things that made me happy that involved GH….and I thought those days were over!



There are certain things in life that should be filed under obvious and common sense.  Things such as milk is best stored in the refridgerator.  You do actually need to sleep at night.  Remembering your parents’ and grandparents’ birthdays are kinda important.  And generally I do well with these common sense items but apparently there is one thing that I either A – forgot or B- was completely unaware of.  Yes folks I did something truly, truly stupid.

I watched an entire week’s worth of GH in one sitting.  This week’s worth of GH.  I’m barely alive to tell the tale. 

You see I spent most of my nights this week in a hosptial for my full time job.  And as such, I fell asleep on the hardest, most uncomfortable, smallest couch in the history of the world. (Seriously you all..Sonny would find this couch tiny).  I’ve been sleep deprived and in pain for much of the week.  And do you when I was in the most pain? When I watched all of this week’s GH.  Yeah it’s true.  I can’t even make a joke about it, it’s so freaking sad. 

And since there has been many, many, ohhhhhh so many completely obvious interesting developments this week and as I am still sleep deprived on some levels, I’m not even going to try to make comments in a chronological manner.  It will be more like the order in which I remember they pissed me off.

Alexis, meet the bus.

I don’t think quite enough has been made about the completely botched job GH has done with this important story.  I thought they would never top the mishandling of Robin’s PPD or using Lucky’s drug addiction as a reason to de-ball a character in order to make Jason look awesome.  Clearly I was wrong.  Never say the lowest has been reached folks because clearly GH thinks we are in the middle of a freaking limbo contest!  Look I get that Keifer was an abusive asshole.  I also see that he’s Sonny Junior but I’m not holding my breath waiting for anyone on this show to acknowledge that.  But there were approximately 90 gabillion different ways to write the ending of Keifer is abusive to Kristina.  (And bonus there were also other ways to deal with Kristina pointing the finger at Ethan without making the victim of an abusive relationship look like a vindictive lying witch!)  Kristina could have finally admitted it was Keifer and her first statement fingering Ethan could be used to get him off of charges. Or you know the fact her freaking brother was investigating the attack.  (Conflict of interest….another term Guza clearly thinks only applies to his mobsters.)  Keifer’s parents could use their alleged power and influence to get Keifer into an exclusive prep school before charges can be filed.  They could send him off to another country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.  Or Keifer could have been charged, his parents get it argued into juvenile court and he thereby doesnt’ serve a long term.  When Kristina moves on with a nice guy a year or two later….hello here comes Keifer back to town. 

But nooooooooo.  We have to have Alexis freaking kill him by running him over with her car.  (While he was walking in the middle of the street like a dumbass.)   And now we get to wait for Kristina to find out the truth about this and then blame her mother for everything while she runs to her beloved, sainted father for comfort.  (Although it has lead to Mac being awesomely supportive and dreamy and talking about Georgie sooo…….yeah no still sucks.)

I guess apparently GH ran out of ways to shove Elizabeth under the bus and they needed a new person down there.  And speaking of Elizabeth…

“My brother doesn’t think I’m ready” is not a viable admission standard.

Alright total adorableness of said picture aside, and taking off the fangirl glasses I admitedly have about Steven…he needs to freaking shut it regarding Elizabeth’s mental status.  Yes he’s a doctor…but not a psychiatrist.  So until I see him practicing psychiatrity this whole Steven doens’t think Elizabeth should be out of Shadybrook thing means nothing. She’s not homicidal. She’s not suicidal. She doens’t want to go back to work because the last time she was there the daily fun was who was going to randomly yell Liz was a slut first, Liz or Lulu?  She went to a mental hospital and the entire hospital knows it.  I trip in front of one co-worker and I want to hide from everyone for the entire day!  That’s not a breakdown, it’s freaking normal!  Not to mention,  that was the same damn crap this show pulled during one of the many break ups of Jiz. Jason, who was never a part of the raising of the boys EVER, broke up with her and suddenly Liz couldn’t figure out how to handle her kids.  No one said it was a mental breakdown then. (Although that would explain her entire thought process at the time……)

It’s hard to sell someone has a family guy when….

Ok I recognize an attempt at rehab when I see one, but it’s hard to take Nik’s change of heart when it comes to Spencer being seen seriously when this is what he dresses the child in to play in the sandbox.  That’s what my male cousins wore for school pictures and took off the first second they could!  Spencer is adorable and can rock that sweater vest like no one’s business but oh puh-lease. 

As for Nik’s lament about how he didn’t bond with Spencer because Carly and Jax lied about his paternity, ok he missed out on some time.  I give him that.  What’s his excuse for wanting to leave Spencer an orphan so he could hump a ghost?  Or the fact that Nik effectively destroyed Spencer’s chance at a normal family when he decided that Liz was who he randomly wanted.  Kiss family gatherings goodbye Spencer.  But don’t worry…your father totally has another reason why that’s not his fault either. 

Law and Order is still on the air! PLEASE WATCH IT!

 

Oh wipe the smug off your face Diane.  It’s not like you are making points on this trial based on brilliant legal strategy.  The only reason you will clearly win is either Guza is a moron who doesn’t actually realized we all know how a court works or…..well lets be real that’s what he thinks.  Surprise witnessed don’t exist.  Defandents that threaten the prosecutor in open court are generally censured and often face other charges.  Perjury is perjury and is still a crime even if it is done to try to convict Sonny.  Prosecutors do not do roughly eight-tenths of the defense’s job by introducing reasonable doubt into the picture.  I could go on and on but I’ll need to save this for the next inevitable trial we will have to face.

Shut it for all eternity!

On the one hand, I am glad to see Luke return to the land of douchitude he’s been residing in for the past decade.  It feels like the real GH is back that way.  But when he started in today on cops are just like mobsters with their ego and drive, I wanted Jason and Sonny to randomly decide Luke was guilty of  a crime and he needed to pay with his life. REALLY LUKE? REALLY?  Just shut it you skeevy sanctimonous asshole!  Props to Lulu for pointing out that Luke is a big fat hypocrite for railing at her for dating Dante when he didn’t say boo about Johnny.  And yes I get the fact Ethan geting beat up isnt’ something he likes.  But come on!  Luke knows how prison works.  People accussed of crimes against children are always in danger. That is why they are generally segregated for their own protection.  And the bigger hypocrisy is that Luke has no issues with cops when Lucky can get him out of trouble by pulling strings/calling in favors.  And he equally had no issues with cops when he was the MAYOR of the town and his best friend Robert was the police commissioner.  Shut it you hypocrtical bastard! Just go move to Holland full time already!

Dear Show…please learn how to properly do subtle….

Gosh you all do you think that maybe Liz is going to make a mistake?  Cause I couldn’t tell based on the constant cuts to Steven’s concerned face.  Look I admit my love of Steven, but come on!  The only thing more obvious than today’s Liz is going to make a mistake at work parade are the chem tests they keep putting Ethan/Maya in.

Speaking of Maya, I don’t really have anything negative to say about her right now.  Although clearly she is being aimed at Ethan given the amount run-ins they’ve gotten in the span of two weeks.  And her pressence gave us the greatness that was the Cute Off of the Century…Steven being dreamy in his lab coat versus Edward in his adorably jaunty cap!  And didn’t we all have joy on that day?  If we can get more of that on a regular basis…..well I’d be listen to and clearly respected so I wouldn’t be watching GH. 

I’m sure there’s more….I may have had a rage blackout or two…..but I have to protect my health. I’d rather just visit the hospital than be sent there.

Photos courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven



{March 24, 2010}   4th grade drop outs…

Is anyone else wondering if in fact the writers of GH are really 4th grade drop outs and had their moms fake a resume to get them off the couch and out of the house?  Cause really it would explain oh so much. 

For example it would explain why they have an…….interesting….yeah that’s what we’ll call it…interesting view of genetics.  The first clue should have been during the entire Jake’s paternity debacle when everyone and their mother would comment about how Jake had blue eyes and of course that meant Jason was his father.  Except you know…Liz has blue eyes. And the only Spencer relative that I can think of that has dark eyes is Nik….and you all know how often I want to think of him.  So clearly there are other possibilities for where Jake got blue eyes from. (related…could GH higher a child actor with blue eyes if they were going to keep this up?  Just saying it would help.) 

And today I learned all sorts of things for how genetics work. Like for example, if you share Sonny’s DNA you automatically love him and want to protect him.  Really Sonny? The way you’ve been hounding him to protect Michael and you thought his testimony was to protect you?  I’m not surprised Sonny made it all about him…that’s encoded on his DNA, RNA and tattooed on his forehead.  But that wasnt’ even the most facinating thing we learned today. 

You all….violence is herditary!   And suspecting someone could have beaten a teenage girl is totally cool if your shared father once raped your mother!  Especially if your father knew that this random stranger was your half-brother because they are so much alike!  It makes total and complete sense!  I already had a headache by the time Lulu dropped that knowledge.  What?  I’m not opposed to Ethan finding out about the rape of Laura. All of Luke’s kids have to do it and hell I suggested this exact idea when Ethan first showed up and was all Wondery McWonder as to why Luke and Lucky weren’t close anymore!   And I understand the longstanding statement that Tony Geary hates to go back to that storyline again and again, thus allowing Lulu to accept in the space of 9 hours or so what it took her brother months to accept. And I’m sure by Friday Ethan will be perfectly fine with Luke.  But holy hell they had perfectly organic chances to drop this knowledge on Ethan months ago….and they choose this ham-fisted ridiculous genetic lesson as the way to do it!

The writers dropping out of 4th grade would also explain why they can’t be bothered to check Law & Order for some basic courtroom facts.  It’s completely on past their bed time! It all makes sense now!  A high profile murder case and the jury isn’t sequestered?  The media is trying to sway the non-sequestered jury so it’s up to Sonny’s friends to find the individiual jurors and explain Sonny’s good side to him?  Non-sequestered jurors can go to work and serve witnesses in the case they are deciding?  I….just…..huh? 

It would also explain how Carly can make gigantic leaps of thinking and this one time actually be right! Kids make huge leaps all the time!  While I’m glad someone finally remembered Kristina has a boyfriend and he’s not exaclty been sugar and spice to her all the time…and no I’m not surprised Carly figured this out…..really?  She just remembered it and immediately went “Keifer! It was Keifer!” 

Maybe it might enhance my enjoyment of this show oh so much more if I just remind myself its written by a bunch of adults who are arrested emotionally at age 11?  I work with 11 year olds! I can understand them!  I find their creativity enjoyable!  ohh that might lead to optimism…..what a scary concept to consider!



et cetera