Sarcastic Clapping

This week, strange and miraculous things have been happening all over Port Charles.  Events that used to happen with regularity in the 70s and 80s, but have rapidly declined since the advent of the Bob Guza era.  I apologize for not chiming in sooner but you must understand I was rendered into speechlessness after these occurances.

You all…..people are speaking the truth about the mob and they aren’t immediately killed for OR the newest meanest most evil mobster ever to walk the face of the Earth!  They’ve been truthful. They’ve been brutual.  They’ve been awesome.  And they are causing me to reach for the cigarettes because it is that good.  And it’s not been just one day….the majority of this week has been one “holy shit am I really seeing this happen” moment after the next!

Let us start with the apology we all thought was never going to happen.

Jason:  I came here to apologize to you and it’s long overdue. You were right when you told AJ that he was Michael’s father. I should never have pretended that he was my son.

I’m sorry did I hear that correctly?  The Great and Powerful, Never Wrong Jason Morgan just say he was wrong?  That Robin was right all those years ago?  Yeah this was about 12 years and one running out of the freaking country too late, but hell it took him roughly a decade to realize that “Hey, AJ might not have liked being hung on a meathook because we arbitarily decided he was devil“.  He is brain damaged after all.  But this is the very thing we all expected to hear when Michael got shot in the freaking head and it never came.  (Secret pain over DANGER takes up a lot of your time apparently)  And yet out of nowhere, Jason seeks out Robin to apologize?  Yes she immediately said the Qs were crazy and who knows what would have happened if Michael had been raised by them.  (I think no felonies until he was 21 and wacky cross-dressing hijinks if Dillon was any indication!) But nothing, and I mean nothing tops the awesomeness of Jason Morgan saying he was wrong.

Olivia: So Dante blows the whistle, Michael gets arrested, Dante takes him in. But Sonny’s ripping himself apart over this. And as a parent, I got to say, I understand everything he’s going through.

Johnny: Yeah. Well, Sonny’s pain will be over soon enough. Maybe after a couple of weeks of crying and chest-thumping, he’ll be back to business as usual

Ok admittedly Johnny is clearly now doomed since he’s gunning to take down Sonny.  We all know how well that goes.  But the old adage goes know thy enemy and does John have Sonny’s number down COLD.  Michael gets shot in the head, Sonny continues to tell Jason how to run the mob.  Claudia miscarries the baby, Sonny swears revenge in like five seconds.  He shoots Dante in the chest, Sonny spends the next month crying about how it’s really a crime against him.  I guess there is one positive outcome of Sonny’s record lack of self-awareness….it does make for some consistent behavior patterns.

Johnny, I salute you and if you need any help with your doomed plan….CALL ME! 

Spinelli: Dante is a policeman, obviously. But you would be facing the most severe penalty, namely life in prison, should this murder be tied to you. Now, of equal importance, and perhaps even more importance, is that Dante is Mr. Sir’s firstborn son. He’ll never forgive you for killing him. And the loss of Dante would also have a grave impact on his new siblings– Kristina, Morgan, even young Michael, who might blame himself for yet another death. And finally, haven’t we learned by now that violence in the wake of violence only serves to perpetuate that tragic cycle? Please, I beg of you, do not do this. Don’t kill Dante. And if the plan is already put in motion, stop it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry is that SPINELLI making this argument? The same Spinelli who rationalized setting up a cop to be murdered?  Spinelli is arguing in a logical and pretty coherent manner?

BRB…must check the temperature in hell!

Olivia: I get that you love your kids, Sonny, but you’re willfully blind to the way that your life affects them.

Sonny: My kids mean everything to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re okay.

Olivia: I get that, and I know that that’s why you went through this trial for Michael. But the damage is already done. My God, Sonny, look at the way that that kid’s been raised. Look at the things that he’s seen– the lying and the violence. The bullet in his head. I know that your intentions are good, but you’ve got to admit that you’re just–you’re toxic to your children.

Sonny: I know I made mistakes, okay? And–but I have done the best I could with Michael and all my kids.

Olivia: But your best doesn’t matter, ’cause you can’t seal them off from all the violence in your world. You can’t make sure that none of them is ever going to get hurt.

Alright yes she is still on hypocrite train for dating Johnny…but as she is not pregnant (yet…) and she did successfully raise a good, law-abiding, respectful, hot, smart cop who respects women I say Olivia knows of where she speaks.  After all isn’t Dante perfect proof that if Sonny has nothing to do with you, you turn out awesome?  Of course the other proof of that is Morgan. 

Judge Carroll: Mr. Corinthos, in the light of your son’s confession, all charges against you in regard to the death of your wife, Claudia Zacchara Corinthos, are withdrawn. You are a free man, for the time being. Now, before I adjourn, I would like to take this opportunity to reprimand counsel for defense and prosecution, various and sundry witnesses, and anyone else who conspired to conceal the truth and waste the people’s time, money, and patience. Mr. Corinthos, Mrs. Jacks, you have perjured yourselves and may be so charged. Ms. Miller, Ms. Walsh, you have suborned perjury and may be so charged. Ms. Walsh, you may be further charged with malicious prosecution if there is any evidence that you knew the defendant was innocent and decided to pursue this case, hoping for a high profile conviction for the purpose of your own career advancement. This country is founded on the principle of the rule of law. And good men and women have fought and died, and continue to fight and die, to secure that principle, and you spit all over it. You should all be grateful for this same rule of law, because if it was up to me, I would send the lot of you to prison for the next 20 years. You disgust me. Now, get the hell out of my courtroom. We are adjourned.

Can we keep him? Can we?  Yes it is cruel to tease us with the image of family-style jail cells. (Although the image is hysterical. Think of the madcap fun that would be!) but finally, after years of judges acting like the way Sonny and company act in trial is totally reasonable….apparenlty at least one judge in Port Charles actually went to law school!  Or at least watched enough Law & Order reruns to fake it.  Judge Carroll will you be my sugar daddy?

And now….the moment….the smackdown of the century……delivered by the goddess of truth Tracy Quatermaine herself!

Carly: Why? Am I being too harsh? Am I not nice enough? Am I not understanding? I mean, I get you’re in love, and hell, you’re standing by your man, but you did it to my son.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my God.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery. 

Lulu: Tracy, I don’t need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I’m just stating facts. Why don’t you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael’s in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It’s a little late for that. Michael’s had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don’t misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he’s going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.

Carly: I wonder. I really wonder if Lulu sided with Dante, and Dante busted Luke–I mean, really busted Luke–would you be so quick to defend her?

First off Carly, never EVER try to step to Tracy. You are hopelessly outmatched in the wits and logic department. Secondly, catch Tracy on the right day and she’d be the first one in line to haul Luke’s happy ass to jail. Hell she would call Lucky ino to do the arrest for her, in front of the every paying Haunted Star customer.  So I guess we are right back to point number one where in that argument, Carly is hopelessly outgunned.  Take a lesson from Johnny Carly! Know your opponent! 

Can I get an Amen? I mean this week has been so awesome for the truthiness there is really only one response…..Kurt show us how it’s done!

{April 23, 2010}   And back to reality

Well that was short lived. Even by GH standards. 

I had one near historic day of finding three positive things that I could not bitch about in one episode, something that hasn’t happened since a certain fairytail wedding in 2005 mnd you. (Although I’m sure GH thinks we are all now convinced we hallucinated that) And then today happened.  It’s like the GH gods knew I might turn the corner to like some things and went oh no you don’t.  Because today’s show made me beleive Guza is out to kill me via rage-induced airway constriction.  Or he really wants me to have upgrade my TV and is therefore committed to causing me to break mine via thrown chair.  It’s one or other.

You know I understand…well not really but I try to sometimes follow the Bob logic…that Jason, even though he is an unrepentant hitman who makes his living killing people and placing everything and everyone he allegedly loves, is the hero of the show.  And therefore his actions are generally justifiable and well since this is Guza, completely right and moral.   St. Jaysus of the Holy Silencer is never wrong.  Except……..

Today while he broke into Dante’s apartment (Dante’s a cop by the way) to look for Michael (cause Dante follows the Sonny moron code of hiding someone in the most obvious place in the world?) he heard a noise and drew his gun.  Now assuming he thought it was Dante coming home….he was drawing his gun on a cop.  As it was, he drew his gun on a…wait for it cause it is so genius….FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.  Yes Claire is clearly going to lose this case beacuse of course no one wins against Diane’s brilliant legal reasoning of “the prosecutor is a meanie and the victim was an even bigger meanie and they are all jealous of how awesome my client is”  but still she is still a sworn upholder of the law.  And she did nothing to Jason.  Claire even figured out Jason was probably going to kill Dante, granted not hard since that is like 95% of Jason’s dialogue these days but she did nothing. Didn’t even threaten him with arrest.  You know I can suspend disbelief with the best of them…but it’s hard as hell to think Claire is going to put Sonny in jail when she can’t even take a golden opportunity to arrest and prosecute Jason on attempted murder!  (Hell if the standard defense strategy is to say all charges are trumped up on this show….lets really make it happen!)

If only that was the only thing that made me scream.  Oh if only. 

I have made no secret of the fact I can not stand Spinelli. He’s annoying.  His speaking habits are no longer funny and are seriously cause for a riot. Spixie is one of the single most irritating couples ever foisted on the viewing masses.  And yet I do realize I’m supposed to root for and sympathize with Spinelli. Find him funny.  Find his friendship with/slavish affection for Jason adorable and not completely disturbing.  So why, dear readers, why the hell if they want me to like this character so badly, do they do things like have him pontificate that even though he knew by giving Sonny/Jason information about Dante was setting up a murder and even though he knew Lulu cared for Dante and was worried….that he had no regrets about passing on the information.  That’s right folks….today GH preached that setting up a murder attempt was no big, even if a good friend of yours is going to be crushed.  Ladies and gentlemen…..your up and coming hero! 

If only this facial expression meant Maxie realized she had made a horrible choice in befriending these goobers and she needed to run to Mac and beg his forgiveness for his righteous Spinelli hate.  But I know….I know…I am not that lucky at all.

Look everyone…it’s Luke starting to figure out the world’s most obvious paternity switch!

Look…three seconds later Luke is completely distracted and will forget about this until, well at least May sweeps starts.

Although…hey Skye! How you doin?  Now can you explain where in the hell your daughter is please????????

I’m not even going to bother talking about Carly and Jax’s umpteenth fight about how everything bad in Sonny’ s life is Jax’s fault or Olivia and Carly’s snipefest at each other today. Mainly cause Carly and Jax will have the exact same argument next week. (Oh did I need to put spoiler alert there?) and quite frankly my ears are still bleeding from all the screeching.   I am also not going to bother discussing the jury deliberations becuase jury deliberations are boring as hell and I still can’t understand why these writers think “comedic” and “nail-biting suspense”  are the same thing.  Or why they continue to think I’ll ever be worried about Sonny or Jason actually being convicted of crimes. As if! 

Dear Lulu,

Iif you could find time in your busy schedule of hating Sonny and being cute with Dante to actually remember the fact you are in fact a Spencer, it would be great. You see a Spencer wouldn’t have trusted Michael, Carly’s son mind you, to stay put at all.  A Spencer would have also realized Maxie has one of the worst track records in the world when it comes to keeping quiet with things that affect Jason and Spinelli.  (Well at least in regards to not telling them. Now you were perfectly right to be confident she wouldnt’ call Mac)  Did you perhaps take the same idiot pills Helena slipped the rest of your family to  make her latest “plan” work?  Just wondering.



Now it’s been a week and I feel I must weight in on the hot topic of the moment. NuMichael.  Yes the timing of the recast was jarring and I too had to remind myself that it actually was Michael confessing to Dante and not Spinelli’s here-to-unknown brother.  (Oh like you didn’t notice the resemblance!)  And I still don’t understand why they fired Drew Garret so rapidly.  But Chad Duell has won me over. And for one simple fact.

He’s a freaking giant!  He has to be pushing six feet right?  I recognized the shoulder-haunch-to-hide-the-fact-I’m-taller-than-everyone pose from Jason Thompson’s scenes with Scott Reeves! 

He’s so much taller than Dante you can tell it when they are sitting!  I am actually salivating in glee for Sonny/Michael scenes.  Because they will be hysterical for the either A – the way obvious height difference or B- the way obvious ways this inept show will try to hide it.  It’s going to be epic and give us all hours of fun and hillarious screencaps to treasure forever!  So for that admittedly shallow, Sonny-hating reason….I’m digging this recast!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{March 10, 2010}   Laying down the odds

It’s good to know that after a week that was hell on my tear ducts for familial reasons that when I get back to watching GH some things remain blessedly familiar and comforting.  In fact, they are so comforting I could probably go to Vegas and lay odds down it.

Odds that Sonny Will Realize He’s a Complete Douche

100-1 against


I wish I could say I was surprised that Sonny is conitnuing to take his pity train all over town and trying his damnedest to blame everyone…anyone…under the sun for Dante hating him.  Well everyone but himself for shooting Dante in the chest that is.  But when he asked Jax if Jax ever got tired of his own arrogance…and then proceded to try to guilt Olivia about her decision to not let him be a father….(Seriously?  He was shocked a 15 year old didn’t consider letting a 17 year old thug wannabe be a father?) …and not to mention trying to take credit for Dante being good in math well dear God.  The douchitude knew no bounds.  Add in the fact acting exactly the way Kiefer acts to Kristina to Kristina….well the true 8th wonder of the world is why no one has ever succeed in killing this asswipe. 

Odds that Jason Will Be Seen in Something Other than a Tshirt again.

956 to 1


I know they are at the island and all folks but I remember clearly when Jason and Sam went to Hawaii because they were all convinced he was goign to die of the brain clusters (damn them teasing me with the death of Jason like that) and he was still in that damn black tshirt.  Probably the same shirt he bought when he first went to work for Sonny. Clearly the next time Carly gets married he’ll be all dressified again and he was back in the tshirt by the end of the episode but I’m telling you…this sight first thing made me think I was watching the wrong show.

Odds Lisa Isn’t Really Crazy, Manipulative or a Bitch

75 to 1

Yes I know. Per the Scrubs fans she’s evil. She’s a manipulative skank.  She’s an interloper.  Except I’m still not seeing it.  Yeah she was caught by Patrick in her underware yesterday.  She told him she was grabbing a shower.  What exactly did Patrick think he was going to be walking in on?  Did he think she would be conducting a lecture?  Did she say come find me immediately?  Don’t recall that happening.  Is she a party girl who doesn’t like the fact that her party friend settled down? Yeah but so was Creepy  Pete and Kid Shooter Ian.  It was established long ago that Patrick has really really crappy taste in friends pre-Robin.  There is no reason for her to be Fatal Attraction.  She’s not manipulated Patrick into seeing her naked or going to Jake’s with her.  She doesn’t seem to have his kid stashed somewhere.  She’s not a failed career person. 

Maybe the reason why there has been no movement in this storyline per the Scrubs fans…is that the story isn’t the one you are thinking of?  Maybe Lisa isnt’ so much a third party out to destroy Scrubs…but a third party in the mold of Creepy Pete…a person to make us all see how wonderful it is Patrick has matured. 

I will now go and change my name to prevent my death when certain fans come looking for my head.

Odds That the Kiefer/Kristina Storyline Will Do Justice to an Important Social Issue

I’m sorry did I just see a girl trying on sexy clothes for her abusive boyfriend set to a peppy pop song?  Did I stumble into a Katherine Heigl rom-com by mistake?  And I thought this show scraped the bottom of the barrel when they did  a mob shoot set to Fall Out Boy.  Really show? Really? 

I won’t go into the odds of this show actually exploring the reality that Sonny’s abusive tendancies (yelling, throwing bar ware, liberal use of the word slut as a term of endearment) laid the groundwork for Kristina falling in with an abuser cause quite frankly not even a mob backed bookie will back those long shot odds.  I know the show’s big argument is that Sonny has never hit a woman…but he’s verbally abused them, shook them, emotionally abused and manipulated them, shot them in the freaking head and had them set up to be murdered at his request.  It’s not that much of a difference in my book. 

Plus who wants to bet that somehow this entire thing is blamed on Alexis and it’s used to make Sonny look like a good guy to Dante?  Yeah who wants a sucker bet like that.

Odds I Will EVER Understand the Appeal of Spinelli

2564564518516516 to 1

Let me get this straight. They are trapped in a storm drain…again.  Maxie is getting sick.  And instead of trying to I don’t know…yell for help…anyting other than stare at a laptop…we get Spinelli having a fantasy about Maxie telling him what a macho macho man he is?  And this is one of the root for couples on this show? 

The psychology of Guza’s mind towards women frightens me a little more every day.

Oddds Anything Will Ever Top the Gloriousness of Olivia’s Smackdown to Sonny

5161511515615311321 Katrillion to 1

Dear Lord I know that “shove it where the sun doesn’t shine” attitude won’t last but while it was going on it was glorious.  I’m not a fan of the character Olivia per say and I know she’s sleeping with Johnny so her whole attitude is a little hypocritical to say the least but I’m going to overlook it.  Because it was that good.  For someone to engage in that amount of truth telling and not immediatley be struck down in a hail of bullets just doesn’t happen on this show.  I needed a cigarette after it.  And I don’t smoke. 

Odds I’ll Actually Understand This “Story” With Ethan and Luke

Slim to None

Granted it might help if I understood a word coming out of Ethan’s mouth. Or I cared about him.  Or if I couldn’t tell that because his green card status has been mentioned an uptick of ninety gabillion times a show these days that he’ll end up in a marriage of convience with someone and then end up falling for them for real cause that’s a cliched story Guza hasn’t tried selling as new in a few years.  (Let me guess… Maya Ward? Through some manipulation of Tracey?)  But his entire storyline from the friendshp with Kristina to his “partnership” or whaterver it is with Johnny is just random.  Not that Ethan’s been anything but random since the second he stepped foot in town. 

Of course it might help if I wasn’t driven blind by the sight of this.

How do we force him to get a haircut?  Do you think if we eased up on the hating him for beign all “woo hoo yeah for spitting on Luke and Laura” he’d go?  I’m open to any suggestions at this point.

Odds I Was Going to End this Post Without a Steven Lars Sighting

Slim to None

Hello pretty!

Photos courtsey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven

{January 27, 2010}   Beauty and the Beast

I was going to comment today about Carly’s observation about how she doesn’t have any female friends and how that might be related to her feeling the need to be a hypocrtical skank who thinks she can decide who gets custody and forgets her own history at the same time.  I was going to comment about how freaking ridiculous it is that it’s only dawning on the Mob Crew to fully vet Dominic when he’s been working closely with them for months.  Didn’t he blackmail his way into this?  Do Sonny and Jason do background checks with the same firms that check out all these people on reality tv?  Or the fact that apparenlty Dante is some sort of bizarre FBI/NYPD hybrid cop that I don’t get at all.  There was also the insanity of Sam the undercover PI…A- not understanding what undercover means  (does she use her name when she’s going on her own undercover assignments?) and B – telling Kristina that dressing to please a man was just so silly and beneath her.   I don’t call her the Underware PI for nothing folks.

And then…somethign truly terrifying appeared on my screen. Something more cringe inducing than Niz.  YES IT IS THAT HORRIFIC!

What is that??????  I’m supposed to take Spinelli seriously as A – a real person, B – an adult capable of carring on a mature relationship with Maxie and C – a top of the line computer hacker who has supreme mastery of search engines…..and they dress him like he’s a mentally challenged three year old?  They want me to beleive the non-husband or whatever he is to a fashionista like Maxie is allowed to have something that hideous in his closet?

I just ….i can’t….I need something awesome to take my mind off the trauma.

There! That’s better! 

And while I do like Scrubs, I’m telling you all….if they broke up in an organic non-Guza fashion (so yeah that won’t happen) and it wasn’t sleazy like Niz….man oh man would I love me some Steven/Robin.  I know people like Stebin…but I am more partial to Roven myself.  They are adorable.  Pocket-sized.  Doctors.  Legacy characters.  What’s not to love?

Screencaps courtsey of LisaW’s Soap Heaven

et cetera