Sarcastic Clapping

{July 28, 2009}   Highway Danger….

Over at the fabulous Deep Soap, Sara Bibel has a theory that GH has finally run out of mobster movies to rip off and has moved on to driver’s ed films.  After two entire shows devoted to nothing but did Michael or Kristina hit Claudia….I am forced to admit that she is right.  GH has found the most disturbing hybrid of a mobster/driver’s ed scare film to show us.

Let me start off by saying the less said about those “special” effects the better.  I saw better at the end of The Ugly Truth…and those special effects were the funniest thing in that movie.  (Besides guessing if Gerard Butler’s accent was going to make a surprise cameo appearance before the credits rolled.)  Memo to GH…you had better special effects in the 7os when you were about to be cancelled.  It’s a little thing called good writing.  We’ll forgive a lot of cheese if the writing is good.  See just about every cult sci-fi show prior to the X-Files become the 90s phenomena it was. (Coming soon….Beth discusses why Soap fans should take notes from sci fi fans to actually get good stuff.)

Why are the PCPD more involved in this case than who killed the mayor’s mistress?  Logically thinking, and I know Guza-land is the place where logic goes to die, they should be investigating both.  But apparenlty they were preparing to devote all their resources to proving who was behind a hit and run that may or may not happen.  So thank goodness they have the newly appointed medical examiners Robin and Patrick to work on that one.  Thank Gloria Monty we have such competent trained investigative professionals at the helm to watch over that one.   We sure bit the bullet there.

Now how to say this delicately…my main issue with the whole thing is Michael.  I don’t see why everyone is so hell bent to protect this little monster and why the idea of plopping that child down on Kevin Collins’s couch is such a horrific idea.  THE KID NEEDS THERAPY!  Some major behavior-management.  I work with high risk, traumatized children for a living and I do not hesitiate to say I would drop kick this little fartnose into a residential treatment facilitylike yesterday.   I just don’t buy that anyone would be so concerned about keeping this kid out of jail when he clearly needs to be locked up for his own safety.    

Now I like to fault Michael for many many things…starting with his birth marking the begining of the long slow slide into the ridiculous hell we are cursed with right now. But really..could some of the adults actually blame themselves?  Carly and Jax for getting a kid with impulse control issues and brain damage a TEMPORARY DRIVER’S LICENSE?  Sonny for buying a kid with no driving experience and brain damage a freaking sports car?  Why has it occured to none of them this is a bad idea? Clearly when they cue up to the obvious fact that Krisitna is maybe also involved they will all blame Alexis for breathing or not letting Sonny near Kristina or something.

Related…really? Robin comes down and swears that Michael won’t skip bail and it’s allowed?  First off, I’ve watched Law & Order long enough to know how the bail system works.  lets see… kid + shady parents who insist he didn’t do anything + family with its own private freaking island and business contacts in other countries + lawyers out the wazoo = NO WAY IN HELL THAT KID IS GETTING BAIL.  Not to mention….now call me crazy…but wasn’t there this crazy storyline where Jason was in jail for a murder he committed and somehow got bail and then he broke it, allegedly to do something “heroic” and was arrested for it like two seconds later?  I know at the time we were supposed to think it was all just about some supposed jealousy…and we aren’t supposed to remember that time now. (hush….the whole nightmare never happened) BUT OH MY GOD JASON BROKE FREAKING BAIL WHY WOULD HIM GAURANTEEING ANYTHING ABOUT MICHAEL NOT DOING THE SAME DARN THING MEAN ANYTHING MORE THAN A GOOD LAUGH?

It also doesnt’ help anything that no one in this convuluted storyline is remotely rootable.  Michael’s a holy terror. Kristina is a brat.  Carly operates on Carly logic which means makes no sense and inverts all known laws of logic and sense.  Claudia has changed characterizations so often I’m suspecting Sarah Joy Brown needs cue cards just to keep up with her changing character motivations.  Jason and Sam being all concerny mc concern about Kristina and Michael not doing good and giving lectures that basically amount to “do what I say, not as I do” and being completely baffled as to why this sage advice isn’t being followed is stupidity to the extreme.   And Sonny….well whenever he enters a chapel to “pray” I both look for lightening to strike and really wish GH would quit defaming my religion by having Sonny described as a devout Catholic. Really we have enough issues of our own without Sonny’s slippery morality to add in there. I imagine real Bensonhurst residents feel the same thing. 

Seriously who is concerned about any of these people?  Was anyone really wanting that baby to survive?  Didn’t we all secretly wish that Claudia would die too?  Don’t we all know in the end it will be Double Dead Diego and not anyone we currently see on our screen for every segment in the show?

Does no one involved in this show understand the concept of balance?  Yes this is a soap opera and we need umbrella storylines that feature angst.  Got it.  and when well done and featuring the full cast i don’t care to see one storyline the entire show. But this one is so full of holes….so illogical… mind-numbingly stupid….so focused on how will Jason and Sam save everyone………SO FECKING TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!

The entire show was devoted to the mob.  And I don’t mean in the figurative sense we all complain about.  It was all we were shown today.  That was it.  I was craving a sighting of Lulu Spencer. Lulu. I’ve hated her for two years.  When I’m craving a Lulu “I’ll fork my brother over for Jason Morgan repeatedly for no good reason” Spencer sighting  THINGS ARE VERY WRONG.

Leigh says:

I will pester you daily until you do that post on what soap fans could learn from sci fi fans. Daily. I am not kidding.

Very nice rant. Every time I try to rant about this storyline, nothing comes out but a pained “Enhhhhhh”. Nothing about this story makes any physical, logical, or emotional sense. And I don’t care. Well, except about Alexis and the PCPD, but as the show often reminds me, this isn’t about them.

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