The greatest love story never told…

So earlier this year there was a couple on OLTL that had the Internet mass up nickname of Kish. A medical student and a cop this couple could easily and logically interact with most of the established canvas in the show. They looked gorgeous together. They had chemistry to burn. They had garnered tons of fan support and media attention.  They broke history by being the subject of the first gay love scene shown on daytime television on New Years Eve 2009. Oh did I forget to mention Kish was two smoking hot guys? Cause they were.  Anyways….they had a rabid fanbase that nicknamed themselves the KISH Army and I had never seen such an overwhelmingly positive reaction to a couple ever.   

And then the network rather callously and uncermoniously fired them because the “mainstream audience” didn’t respond to their storyline and apparenlty lowered OLTL’s sweeps ratings.  When they were barely on and the show focused on the attempted incest-rape of a mentally ill young woman by her own derranged father. Which I know is exactly the type of story I want to watch you know?  But yet despite a very tiny airtime count….KISH and their groundbreaking love story was deemed too gay for ABC and Disney’s mainstream audience.

Now I, like many others found that explanation insulting and prejudical beyond belief.  Especially given the way GH has been writing the Spinelli and Jason scenes this week.

I’m usually pretty good at picking up when I’m supposed to find scenes and storylines comedic.  And generally Spinelli is a good choice for comedy. But the scenes centering around Jason’s homecoming from Pentonville….where’s he’s been for all of a MONTH mind you  (ohhhh the horrors!!!) has left me questioning why Kish was deemed too gay for the mainstream while I’m watching Spinelli pout because Jason would rather hug his girlfriend (who has also spent the entire past month coming up with ways to have sex with Jason. ) than his inexplicably still living with him computer expert. 

It’s often been a joke that Spinelli is in love with Jason online but it seems that bit of fannon is now making it’s way to canon.  Let us examine the evidence.

Jason goes to jail to protect Michael. Spinelli spirals into a complete depression because Stone Cold is no longer with him.  A depression so deep he actually manages to look work than he normally does.  Which takes some effort.

His girlfriend-non-wife-essential person-clearly on her way out the door Maxie tries to distract him. Spinelli basically tells her that until Stone Cold is released from Pentonville nothing else matters to him.  This starts Maxie’s stupid plan to flirt with Matt to get Spin’s attention and it doesn’t work to the point I don’t know if Spin is aware Maxie is on crutches and did drastic horrible things to her hair. 

Spinelli goes to visit and Jason during the 24-7 Pentonville visitation program and proceeds to sad panda the entire visit about how much he misses Jason.

Jason comes home and Spinelli procedes to tell his girlfriend to get lost because he has to go shopping and make dinner for Stone Cold. 

He gets pouty because Jason hugged Sam…his girlfriend who was obsessed with conjugal visits and made a really skeevy attempt at phone sex with him…before him. 

Spinelli had a fantasy of him basically being Little Stone Cold complete with fist bumps and what I think was the mobster equivilant of “You complete me”. 

I know one of Spinelli’s defining characteristics has been “worshipful of Jason”.  But there’s admiring the guy and what I’ve been watching these past two days.  Because I swear that is basically the same script soaps give when they go the “Friend in love with friend but said friend is clueless and involved with another person” story.  I would be more surprised to know he’s not in love with Jason at this point. 

And to be quite honest….between the inappropriate chemistry and dialogue with Sonny, Lucky, Michael and Spinelli….maybe GH should go the really shocking route (no for real this time! I promise!) have Jason come out of the closet and become the leader of the Gay Mafia we heard so much about a few years ago.   Surely the mainstream audience will accept that storyline since there will be also guns and violence.

Three simple ways to tell you need to rethink your plan.

Take note dear readers if any of the following situations occur….immediately…DO NOT WAIT… DO NOT PASS GO…DO NOT COLLECT $200…immediately rethink your plan and come up with an alternative course of action.

1. Luke Spencer who for the past decade has used a grand total of ONE disguise/alias (Dr. Von Skimmerman) and managed to get kidnapped by Helena in the most wholely boring and pointless kidnapping in the history of kidnapping….who can’t remember he has more than one child and who mistakenly beleives Laura Spencer is a boring hausfrau….thinks your plan is stupid.

2. Max Giambetti….who was recently moaning about the fact he didn’t get his recently legal charge that he’s known since he was like 5 a hooker for his 18th birthday and who is single-handedly responsible for every kidnapping that has befallen his job because he epically epically sucks at his job…..thinks your plan is stupid.

3. Milo Giambetti….who does what his brother says and therefore aslo epically epically sucks at his job beause well look who his boss is……who looks up to Spinelli….SPINELLI OF ALL PEOPLE…and who seems to have the social skills of a flea….thinks your plan is stupid.

This think tank of genius is almost spelling it directly out for Sonny that his latest half-cocked revenge scheme is going to epically fail!  THESE THREE!  If any of these three told me the sky is blue I would question it myself first and we are all in agreement here.  In the history of Sonny’s dumb ideas which include shooting into the room where he knew his pregnant wife was being held, using the “funeral” of his son to cover up his retaliation hit on the family everyone knew he held responsible for Michael’s “death”, getting Michael shot because he didn’t take bodyguards to the warehouse, not understanding the concept of abuse and not to mention the cover up of a crime that would have been ruled JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE and resulted in no jail time for his son…this HAS to rank as his dumbest.

No one is going to be suspicious of a CAR BOMB Sonny?  Ok yes I know it’s the PCPD but it now has Super Cop Dante and Super Cop Lucky.  They’ll at least be suspicous for a few days!

No one is going to think you would do this because of what happened to Lily?  That might work if Idon’t know…you got out of the fecking business then you numbnuts!

No is going to think…”huh similar car bomb to what took out Lily Corrinthos…lets check that out”? 

When the brain damaged hitman is clearly the brains of the operation…..things are very wrong in Whoo-ville.

You can’t be bad AND boring!

No I have not fallen off a cliff or been drive so mad by the insanity that passes for GH these days that I have been spending time in a real mental health facility. The sad, totally embarrassing truth is being my wonderfully klutzy self I tripped over what I suspect was my own two feet and ended up cracking my elbow.  So I’m sling bound and typing up until the past few days has been difficult and painful.  But rest assured I still have tons to say about the state of affairs in Port Charles.

Which is oh my god how can it be simulatniously bad and BORING????  You can’t be both!  You have to pick one and stick with it!  Was there ever in the history of daytime a more anti-climataic and outright dumb kidnapping than the one Helena did with Luke and Tracy?  Where was the suspense? Where was the mystery?  What the hell was that piece of crap accent Lucky adopted and what was with the world’s most obvious cat burgler outfit he wore?  Did anyone else get lost in his speech to Nikolas? It was about Elizabeth…it wasnt’ about Elizabeth…..Nik said something but I don’t remember because I was too busy wondering what was on that to-do list Tyler Christopher was actually thinking about and when did Nik stop having a neck. 

I was also confused by the notion that Elizabeth can’t afford to send to daycamp…but Lucky has enough money to fly to Greece on a freaking hunch not based in actual reality?  (Just me confused by the notion that Luke being missing this time, as opposed to when he disappears this time every year, was wrong becuse he wouldn’t leave a kid in trouble from teh son who Luke abandoned during his drug addiction, his son’s TWO kidnapping attemps and the whole being trapped in a toxic burning hosptial thing?????) Or the ohhhh so progressive notion that money is truly a great indicator of a man’s worth as a partner.  If Shirley starts waxing about how Nik’s money is soo awesome one more time…I’m poisoning her chemo treatments myself. 

As for Michael all I have to say is…Guza…you are fooling no one. Everyone with eyes, and a few of those who are blind can completely see that Michael was raped.  We also know you are holding out the actual on-air reveal of this for sweeps because that’s the only time you actually write a soap opera.  Quit treating us like we are morons you non-Emmy winning twit. (More on THAT later!)

The making of Brooklyn as basically a prostitue grates on my ever loving last nerve because well they are making a Q a prostitue people!  It’s so wrong! As is the notion working for Carly is a better option for a Q than taking money from Edward.

I really want to see the visiting hours at Pentonville because going by the number of times Jason gets into that visiting room it’s apparently 24 hours a day over there.  Was there not one guard from the last time Jason was there that remembered the last time “Brenda Morgan” showed up at Pentonville she was a blonde and looked completely different?  Also did Guza think we all forgot that was the exact same scam Carly used?  Ok yeah the answer to that is probably.  That is if he remembered he did the exact same thing two years ago.  Which he probably didn’t. He probably thought he was clever or something and dropping a subtle hint about Brenda’s return.

Which quite frankly if that’s his idea of subtle…having characters randomly starting to mention her….well I think we need to chip in and send Guza to writing school to grasp basic concepts here. 

Maybe it will help him win that Emmy that eluded him oh so gracefully last night?

It’s a sad sad thing when the best part of my GH watching experience of the past two weeks is seeing them get TROUNCED at the Emmys.  I know they won several at the technical awards held the previous night and I figured they would for the HD transition.  Julie Berman’s repeat didn’t surprise me because the description of the other reels sucked.  Her’s was about the only somewhat soapy one to choose from.  Billy Miller upsetting both Jonathan Jackson AND Bradford Anderson?  The stuff dreams are made of.  Judging from the continual confusion I saw throughout the internet from people who didn’t understand why Jonathan Jackson submitted the Christmas Eve “Luke you are the most awesome person ever” speech over the confrontation….I think GH was hoping to use THAT performance to propel a win in this category.  If you all didn’t know what was on Carolyn Hennesy’s reel be thankful. Sufiicive to say it involved Max and sex and quite frankly we need discuss it no more than that.  B&B winning best show two years in a row with two years of legitimately soapy episodes over the GH trick of submitting their best gimmick was wonderful. As was the icing on the cake since GH did submitt a Greg Vaughan heavy episode while acting like Jonathan Jackson is the only one who’s ever played the part at the same time.  This my friends is what karma looks like.

As for the rest of the Emmys, I was thrilled to see ATWT get the majority of the acting awards the same week they stopped taping the show.  It was beautiful and was a better tribute to the show than that SAD AND PATHETIC clip tribute they got out of their own mother effing network!  (Yes we just HAD to have a hotel tour didn’t we? I’ve been to the Las Vegas Hilton….it’s not that glamorous.  At all.  In fact, it’s pretty freaking cheesey. It has a Star Trek casino and wedding chapel people! THIS was the home of the Emmys!  Klassy!)  I know there was a lot of grumbling about the lack of tributes to the legends in daytime we’ve lost but I am willing to bet the thought process was that since they died in 2010….honor them at next year’s Emmys.  Which undoubtedly will probably take place in the resturant at the Holiday Inn Airport Hotel in Los Angeles.

Maybe I have it backwards?

You know maybe it’s not that the people in charge of General Hospital think we’re morons. Maybe it’s the characters who are morons and the repeated dialogue is for their benefit and not ours!

Otherwise I can’t really fathom why Sonny Corrinthos is basically taking a census of every female in Port Charles over whether or not he abused them. Are we going to be subjected to this every day until he finds someone who agrees with his limited notion that abuse only happens when it involves fists?  I know self-awareness has never been Sonny’s strong suit…or even a remote possibility but still.  How many times does he have to hear that abuse is not just what Deke did before he gets it?  What does he need at this point? Cue cards? Billboards?  Television ads?  A subsciption to Lifetime Movie Network? 

Who’s he going to talk to next?  Will he randomly knock on Elizabeth’s door?  (HA! I made a funny! Like Guza’s going to allow this crazy thing called cast integration) Will he call up Maxie and ask her?  Lulu? Acutally Lulu would be relevant considering the loads of crap he’s laid on her feet lately for not daring to put his need to know about Dante above all else.  Or you know her apperant moral imperative to place Michael’s well being above say…the law.

Speaking of Michael, can he please stop monologuing on how awful prison is?  Is the concept that prison is a bad place really that revolutionary?  Given the way his entire family has avoided the damn place his entire life, you think would be the apparenlty earth shattering conclusion that it apparently is.  But no…we have to hear about it every three seconds.  I  understand this is  a hard time for him, what with being raped and not being able to say anything about it because it’s not sweeps anymore but still.  Maybe this is just the result of this show ignoring the actual legal system for the past decade but still, let’s not try to reinvent the wheel here.

However on a more positive note, I am loving the Johnny-Kristina interaction lately. Yes I know I’ve railed in the past about the illegal nature of Ethan-Kristina and how creepy I find it.  Does it make me a hypocrite?  Yeah probably.  Maybe my objection to that pairing may in fact be related to my still on going hatred of Ethan’s existance.  And yes Johnny’s pattern of Sonny hate is like sweet dirty talk to my ears.  But if this is set up correctly, I could so get into a Johnny-Kristina storyline.  Johnny swooping in to save Kristina from mean girls at school?  Sweet!  Johnny protesting to Sam that he is a good guy with morals who wouldn’t take advantage of Kristina?  I can believe that.  (Also…Sam….the last time you basically jumped down a guy’s throat for being near your sister, you almost got him killed for something he didn’t do.  Dial it back killer.) Right now I don’t get the vibe they are actually looking at a romance between them but a mututally supportive friendship that as a side benefit will completely piss off Sonny, whichis total win.  Plus Johnny carrying Kristina’s pink back pack is the stuff of teenage girl dreams. 

Just saying…the show keeps this up….you’ll be seeing them as frequently as you see Steven.

And unto us a hero arises (a REAL one)

I have to be honest that when Johnny Zaccarah first arrived on my screen, I rolled my eyes.  The “greatest mafia son” ever wind up they saddled him with felt uncomfortably familiar with the build up of St. Jaysus Our Deadly Savior.  And the love story they shoved him in with Lulu was maddening in it’s anti-chemistry.  All the constant anvils that Johnny was just like Luke.  Johnny was respected by Jason. It was like the show was telling me that I had to live Johnny because of course I totally love the two characters they constantly compared him to.

Except I didn’t like Luke or Jason.  (I know…you are all shocked by that admission)  And to be 100% honest with you, every time I saw Brandon Barrash I would flash back to his time on Gilmore Girls and doubt the judgement of someone who willingly dated Paris Gellar.    (What do you mean that actors aren’t the same as their characters???)

But then they finally broke up him up with Lulu and hooked him up with Olivia.  On paper and in spoilers it seemed random as all hell but it’s surprisingly super hot. (the fact it requires frequent shirtlessness is a plus!) And quite frankly given the number of blatant times Sonny was sent sniffing in Olivia’s neighborhood….his relationship with her lasted a heck of a lot longer than I thought it would.  But I didn’t fully embrace Johnny until he became a one man truth teller about Sonny Corrinthos. 

It started with Michael getting shot in the head and Johnny correctly observed that it was the fault of every person who took up a gun and told themselves the lie they were doing this to protect women and children and not illegal business practices.  And then in the wake of his sister’s murder, he has become a one man band of Sonny hate. Which is always the way to my heart. 

But then this week….of all the people in the town…after I had gotten to the point I was begging the soap gods for even a random day player….Johnny finally said what quite frankly this show has been avoiding since they started the Kristina abuse storyline.

Johnny: I never had any proof that your father ever actually hit my sister. I never saw it happen. Claudia never told me about it. However, there were many times I was over there and I saw Sonny manhandle Claudia. Sometimes there would be even bruises up and down her arms from where he grabbed her. And his words…Claudia would flinch from Sonny’s words, as if they were fists. You know, sometimes it’s not the actual physical abuse that inflicts the most damage. Sometimes it’s the words. And Sonny called Claudia a whore all the time; told her every day that she was nothing. It’s abuse to promise love, win someone’s trust, and then turn around and to use that vulnerability as, I don’t know, a weapon against them.

After months of walking around telling us all that Sonny is not abusive because he has never hit a woman….Johnny finally spoke the words that needed to be said.  Abuse is not only physical. It is sometimes words.  And Johnny is totally correct that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is often the most damaging. Bruises fade.  You can move away and separate yourself from a physical abuser.  You can’t always predict what words stick in a person’s psyche.  Or when those words will replay themselves. 

Kristina: I know she was your sister, but she did get Michael shot. She wasn’t a nice person.

Johnny: Okay, but that does not make it okay, the way Sonny treated her. I mean, that right there is abuse, to make the victim and everybody else feel like it’s their fault. You said that I hate your father, and there’s really no denying that. But what I really cannot stand about Sonny is the way that he plays himself off like some… nice guy, when he’s caused a lot of damage to a lot of lives. And I don’t just mean my sister. Look what you’re going through right now. Look at Michael.

Yes Claudia was a nutcase whack job of the highest order. I hated her on sight.  But it doesn’t excuse how Sonny treated her.   Plotting to get pregnant, plotting to keep him from finding out she ordered the hit that accidentally caused Michael’s coma, having an affair with Ric…..nothing there was abusive either physically or verbally.  And if Sonny had an issue with any of these, you know the other option? Divorce.  Setting her up to be murdered in front of half the town? Not so much. 

Johnny: No. I couldn’t. You don’t hit somebody you love. And you don’t hit somebody that loves you. It was sad and delusional, but Claudia did love Sonny in her own little screwed up way. That’s why the way he treated her hurt her so bad.

See how much better this message comes across from someone who realizes there is more than one form of abuse and acknowledges that his sister was a whack job?  No justifications of how it was alright what Sonny did to Claudia.  No excuse throwing that it’s the job.  Just the simple truth…you don’t hit someone you love or someone who loves you. It’s a message Kristina needed to hear the first night she confessed that Keifer beat her up and instead she heard about how Sonny would kill him if Alexis hadn’t done it first. 

Alexis: I certainly respect your right to grieve for your sister. And I certainly know how you feel about Sonny. Do you think it was a good idea to have a conversation with his daughter? It could be misleading.

Johnny: I didn’t mislead Kristina.

Alexis: Did you just tell her that Sonny abused Claudia?

Johnny: He did. That’s his thing. He degrades and bullies women. And he’s gonna keep on doing it until you people stop making excuses for him

Alexis, you are a smart woman.  You know this is how Sonny is with women. This is how he was with you.  And Sonny will continue so long as everyone pats his head and reaffirms his deluded notion that he is a good father.  Alexis, you kept your daughter out of his life for years for good solid reasons.  You would constantly point out the destructive nature of Carly and Jason’s relationship.  What did he do to you in order to attempt to get custody of Kristina?  He bullied you. He degraded you.  He enlisted other people to do the same thing.   Alexis come on now….remember how he actually is and not how you want him to be for Kristina’s sake. Remember you had to tell him to stuff the constant self pity about Deke and threatening to kill people in front of her while she was recovering! 

And God…was it glorious to hear Kristina level the truth at her father in her session.  It would have been even more glorious if her doctor told Sonny to shut it with the excuses and actually look up the word abuse.   I mean really Sonny? The doctor is brainwashing Kristina? Kristina got it confused?  Johnny manipulated the situation? You don’t have an entire organization of people that swing into action to save your idiotic behind?   And him asking Carly if he ever abused her while they were married…correct me if I’m wrong folks but didn’t he SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD?    And isn’t he still blaming everyone else for his shooting Dante in the chest?  It’s almost like TIIC heard all the criticism of this story that didn’t acknowledge the fact that Sonny was completely abusive as well as Keifer.  But I have to admit that there is a part of me that fears that even though right now…it looks like there is a very real chance we will have someone acknowledge that Sonny is in fact an abusive asshat…..there is that part of me that watches this show that feels it’s a all a set up….that it will come out in later events that Johnny was attempting to manipulate Kristina with distorted facts just to get back at Sonny.  After all I have watched this show before and seen such things happen.  Everyone vowing to change their ways when Michael was shot and the promptly changing…absolutely nothing for example.  So while I am cautiously optimistic about said truth telling I will cover my bases and say this as well.

Farewell Johnny….you were great while you lasted!

The land were basic reasoning goes to die

It’s clear my friends.  Completely and totally clear.  The writers/producers of General Hospital think we are vegitables completely unable to process basic reasoning.   It is the only explanation for the insanity that came out of the show and the mouth of Bob Guza today.

Let’s start with the show.  Now we’re not even going to touch the Jason “Karate Sensi” Morgan continuing adventures in jail.  Where’s he’s never been before but yet he knows all the tricks on how to survive. Which apparenlty doesn’t include keep your survival lessons to private places so the entire population of prisoners and corrupt guards (it’s GH. I’m not stupid) can see that the 18 year old is in fact as weak as he looks!  Or the fact that conjugal visits are just for married people is apparently not completely well known. 

No, as you probably could guess the stupidity that is the Nik/Liz clearly oncoming “bonding”.  Alright, has Liz been a bit of a bitch to Nik? Yes.  She has. But I maintain that if the show hadn’t committed hardcore to destorying the character for four straight years, most people would be cheering her bitching the Prince of Douchitude.  Yesterday she apologized and offered to meet him half way but re-stated she was not moving into Wyndemere.  Now she has stated her reasons for this decision has nothing to do with Lucky. It has to do with she doesn’t love Nik and Helena lives there still. Now Nik has also heard this exact same message from Lucky without prompting or persusassion of Liz.  In fact Liz doesn’t even know Lucky told Nik the exact same thing.

So what do we learn today? Nik thinks that Liz should move in because he has more money than her.  Oh and Lucky is resentful of his money.  First off I think it’s more accurate that Lucky is resentful of the attitude Nik uses with his money and that 99% of the time, when Lucky requires money…said situation is Nik’s fault. (Loosing insurance for being on probation because of protecting Nik’s fiance in stupid plan to get Nik out of jail ring bells for anyone else?)  So to shorthand this…Nik lives in Douchetropolis, Victimville and thinks his money automatically makes him a great father material.  Alfred and Spencer beg to differ.

After Liz told him to shove it…..we get Cam requesting a daycamp that is deemed too expensive. Now as someone who works with children I know that some daycamps are beyond redonkulous. ($350 for five days???  What the French toast?) However since prior to this exact second, there has never been any indication that Liz is feeling a money crunch…ummm out of nowhere much?  And clearly she’s going to invest the boys’ trust funds in that experimental drug Steven just happened to be talking about at the end of the show.  No one ever said Guza was subtle did they?  And I’ll go on a wild limb here and say she’ll loose all the money and be suddenly destitute and have no choice…NO CHOICE I tell you…but rely on Nik to get her out of this financial mess because he is just so good with his money. (Seeing a con at fifty feet however…..different story)

You know why I don’t buy this? Because I can reason my way out of a paper bag.  I know Liz’s house is paid for.  It was part of that stupid guilt gift Jason gave to make up for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to change a thing about his life.  So she doesn’t have a house payment.  We know from last year that Lucky pays for the boys’ daycare. So she doesn’t pay for that.  When the boys are not in daycare, they are with relatives that don’t charge for baby-sitting. No money there.  And contrary to Guza’s opinion, nurses and detectives make good money.  Also if Liz can invest all this money into an experimental drug, she can’t take a few hundred out for a camp?  Like Jason wouldn’t replace that guilt money when he inevitably finds out.  (And he will because he’s Jason)  And if Steven has enough money for his friend to call him to invest, like he wouldn’t go ahead and pay for his nephew (that’s named after him) to go to camp for the summer? 

There are like 95 different intelligence insulting points wrong with this entire set up that everyone can see through. But that’s only about one-tenth the amount of insulting the latest Bob Guza interview with TV Guide on Michael’s rape is.  Or the subsequent reaction of the soap press that apparently we are complete morons who can’t figure things out on our own.  (Caution…mild spoiler about Carter in the interview)

Who on Earth do they honestly think is confused by this?  The same idiots who honestly think Jason is going to die every month?  If you have watched a soap…even the crappest ones in the history of soapdom (i.e. Swans Crossing……Glory/JT 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!) you know what flinching and reluctance to get close mean. It’s like fainting only ever meaning pregnancy and brain tumor.  He’s flinching and avoiding contact even with St. Jaysus Our Savior. CLEARLY he was raped.  The only way it could be more obvious is if they made him wear a neon sign!

And then there is the “classy” comment Guza made about Michael being a good looking kid with the John Gotti of Port Charles as a dad.  First off, Sonny wishes he was John Gotti.  Secondly…..attractiveness is a contributing factor to rape?  Only pretty people are raped?  No ugly people have ever been the victims of rape?  Why hasn’t a women’s lib group dragged this creatin through the streets and tarred and feathered him yet?  For the last time Guza….rape is a crime of POWER. It has nothing to do with sex and sexual attractiveness.  Especially in the case of prison sexual assault.   Yes Michael would be targeted because of who his father is, but that’s why there this thing called protective custody. Jason’s talked about it so apparently you are aware of what it is. 

Also…love the attitude of “no we didn’t do this” /”oh my god how could we not do this”.  And like we can’t tell “ramifications three-five months” down the line means they are waiting for November sweeps to do a full reveal? Probably after Michael finds a girlfriend.  And she might want to get “closer” as it were?  

Now all this I expect from Bob Guza. After all the same man did helpfully explain to us that because Michael accidentally shot Kate in the stomach (that Sonny, Jason and Carly covered up and he was never made to apologize for ever) it was totes approrpiate for Michael to be shot in the head because we don’t want to be irresponsible about violence and youngsters on GH.  No way. No how.  But the soap press…playing along with this like we don’t know what’s going on. Many blogs have already posted about this and have come to the conclusion Michael was in fact raped. And not just blogs by pissy fans like me.  People like Sarah Bibel at Deep Soap.  SOW has it on their cover for next week.  We already know what happened. So for people like Michael Logan and Michael Fairman to act like this is  such a farrking mystery is beyond insulting.

And the same people wonder constantly why the soap audience is erroding. Here’s a clue geniuses.  We might not like it when you treat us like we believe the little people in the box are real.  We are capable of higher thoughts and we can do things like read between the lines.  We remember things like minute plot points from 25 years ago and we can find clips on You Tube to prove it in intricate, head pounding message board arguments.  We like to be treated with respect and like we do have a brain.  I know this might be an unfathomable girl concept for you but you treat us badly enough we do walk away. As Johnny so correctly observed today there is to abuse than hitting and you Bob Guza and your faithful minions have been emotionally abusing your audience for years.

Like a virgin…..

There are certain things that happen on GH that I don’t need to be told.  Because I am a reasonably intelligent viewer I can assume that if I watched a character grow up or at least go through adolescence on the show that I know if they are a virgin. I know this because when a long term character loses their virginity on a soap, we the viewers see this event. The rare time we don’t is in the case of rape, which quite frankly is a whole other kettle of fish about what a virgin is or isn’t that I don’t quite have the banwidth to get into right now. 

What I do not need is a scene where  Max Giambetti is litterally crying in his beer about how poor poor Mikey only wanted a hooker for 18th birthday and how sad it was he went to joint a virgin and how Max is now going to give up sex for the entire time Micheal is in the joint because it’s all his fault Mikey is a virgin behind bars.

I’m going to pause now while I once again loose my lunch.

First off who was really wondering if Michael was a virgin?  Who?  He’s never had a freaking girlfriend!  Oh sure the show talked a good game about bringing one on for him but then they went and recast the actor!  Considering he went from 12 to 17 in the space of a year I wasn’t thinking there was some retcon junior prom in there we just didnt’ see. Say what you want about SORAS…they don’t tend to make up major life events occuring during those time periods. 

And while I have no trouble that someone raised by Sonny “women are just there for my amusement and abusement” Corrinthos would consider using a hooker at all, I find it problematic to have this be revealed while the show is simultaneously trying to curry the sympathy of the unfairly convicted.  Sure I’m positive Max would have found the hooker with a heart of gold.  In fact I’ll even go so far to say that had Guza not decided on The Incredibly Horrible Place Jail Can Be Adventures, that it might have very well been that Michael met his first girlfriend as she would be a barely legal “baby hooker” looking to get out of the life she’s living.  I would award bonus points if she busted into a righteous song about how her body is her business, her business not his!  (Seriously, listen to The Life. Tell me that wouldn’t rock!)

And while I’d rather not think about Max’s sex life thank you very much, I even more so don’t want to hear it being discussed in the middle of Jake’s. With like people around.  Allegedly normal people!!  In hearing distance!  Plus…it’s two years.  TWO years.  It’s not like Michael is going away for life here people!  He could just be the 20 year old virgin which quite frankly is NOT A FREAK OF NATURE OK SHOW????

However all this pales in comparison to the fact this janky conversation is taking place at the same time the show is ohh soo “subtily” tell us Michael has been prision raped.  And of course by subtile I mean being completely obvious to the point blind people can see this reveal coming.   I know I don’t find them appealing at all but Max and Diane are supposed to be a fun light couple.  Trotted out for some brief comic relief and then shipped back to recurring land.  A jokey converstaion about how Max is going to give up sex because he wouldn’t get Mikey a hooker for his birthday and how Diane hates this during a male rape storyline.  There’s a good way to make a point about Michael being a virgin when this happened to him, and then there is this nasty digusting insulting way.

But what could we exepct from a show where the last time this situation happened had Jason laugh about how ridiculous the mere notion of male rape was?

Crystal blue confusion….

I admit that I am a blonde who’s hair has gone darker as I have gotten older.  So I am no stranger to sterotypical stupid moments where I forget something basic or say something horrifically dumb. Add into this mix the fact I am basically shy and highly prone to embarrassment and you’ll understand why I have taken to the internet to express myself.  (It admittedly doesn’t explain why I have always worked retail jobs that kinda depend on being outgoing and friendly but that’s why there’s therapy people!)  The point of my sharing is to admit that I have come to expect a fair bit of confusion to occur in my daily life and Lord knows since I watch GH, my soap as well.   And usually, there’s one..just one storyline where while it might make me want to spit nails in hatred, at least it makes sense. 

And then there are weeks like the past few on GH.  Where nothing makes sense!

Lets start with the big kettle of fish…The Terribly True Adventures of Guilty but Should Get a Free Pass Michael in Pentonville.  You all did you know prison was a bad place???  It’s completely new to me!  Why people who go there are bad…and like committed crimes….well not like Michael heroically commiting crimes but like the crimes that the enemies of Sonny always commit to take down Sonny.  Thank you Bob Guza for committing such a valuable public service to tell us that prisons are filled with criminals, corrupt guards and rapists.  Cause I’d never know.

And speaking of rapist…..Michael was raped show. We get it.  We the audience figured it out.  We’ve seen a soap before so we know that scrambling away from someone when they touch you is the sign of rape, much like fainting always only means pregnancy.  And I will admit that a well written, thoughtful portrayal of a man struggling with a sexually based attack, trying to come to terms with what not only his victimization but what it says about his sexuality would be groundbreaking.  However considering when Jax was chained spread eagle to a bed while he was kidnapped and forced to sleep with Irina because she threatened to kill Carly, I’m throughly confused as to why we are going down this well with Jason clearly going to end up being Michael’s trusted confidant (because again I have watched this show before) when the same situation happened to Jax….Jason laughed at it.   Giggled the entire time at the very idea that. So when he inevitably becomes sad panda over what has befallen Michael….I’m going to spend roughly 99% of the time wondering if he’s going to go to Jax and apologize for being such a dickwad.  And I know that’s not going to happen so that makes me  more confused as to why I’m supposed to find this dunderhead a hero in the first place!

Plus if the intent of the show is merely to inspire blog posts and internet discussions about whether or not GH would go that route and this is all an elaborate “gotcha” well I have to give an F on it.   It sends a dangerous message much like their notion that abuse is only physical.  This does happen in our society and I think it could be a potentially fantastic storyline to explore.  But to use it as a titliating buzz piece is just wrong.  Go there or don’t but don’t use it as a tease. 

Also speaking of Michael, if someone can explain to me why if Sonny goes to jail, everyone thinks Michael will go free I would be excellent.   I understand the concept of no politician wanting to help the son of a known gangster get out of trouble lest they seem soft on crime.  That makes total sense.  And I have no issues with people wanting to put Sonny in jail. Gold star for admittedly futile efforts there.  But why would Sonny going to jail clear the way for Michael to get out?  I mean know he’s going to get out but what politician would work overtime to free an 18 year old who admitted in open court that he killed a woman, participated in a cover up, fled the country to avoid prosecution and knew all of it was wrong?  Politicians won’t get involved in cases of women serving insane prison terms because their boyfriends made them unwilling drug mules but because Michael, who admitted to killing  a woman and was given the minimum sentence as a freaking gift since everything that backed up his claim of “self defense” (which is still a crock of crap.  Justifiable homicide sure but it wasn’t self defense)  was destroyed they will?  I can live in the Never Never Land they do cause clearly it’s some kind of wonderland.

Now between Claire’s self admitted baby rabies and Sonny’s status as Sperminator of Port Charles, I am deeply terrified that we are well on our way to the arrival of Sonny’s ninth child.    So in theory I have no issue with Lucky giving Claire the rundown on all the brunettes who have failed to take down Sonny but ended up in his bed.  And while I recognize a “wink wink nudge nudge” metajoke when I see one but when Lucky name dropped Hannah only one thought ran through my mind.  “Yeah I know she’s on the list and all but holy hell Detective weren’t you presumed dead, kidnapped and brainwashed through most of her time in Port Charles?  What you weren’t allowed to remember your family at all but worrying about Sonny’s love life was A-Ok as far as Helena was concerned? What the hell type of evil plot is that?” (Also pointing out the repeated nature of these storylines does not mean I’m not going to totally make fun of it if/when this storyline kicks in there show.  Nice try!) 

But then again….when you consider the “brillance” of Helena’s latest plot is it any wonder one of her most famous capers now doesnt’ seem to make much sense in light of that rundown?  For as many times as the show has promised us Helena will reveal her evil plan…I’m still waiting.  Also..Helena disappeares and it never occurs to Nik to check Greece?  Much like Luke’s dreaded Dr. Von Skimmerman “disguise”….Greece has only been her immediate choice of hiding place since well FOREVER.  And how did Luke know A – Helena wasn’t in town and B – was in Greece?  He didn’t check Wyndemere? Pay Nik a visit? Attempt to bribe Alfred? (You know Alfred is totally on Helena’s payroll.  You just know.)  Also still wondering why Nik is being so threatened by information he’s known since roughly 1998 and manipulation he’s seen no evidence of at all.  It would make way more sense if he was being bitchy to Lucky if I don’t know he overheard Lucky and Liz having a mature, supportive discussion or seen Liz asking Lucky to help her with Helena but he hasn’t.   And while I know Helena’s entire plan hinges on all three of them being at odds so she can work….I’m still stuck on what exactly her plan will accomplish and then we’ve entered the vicious cycle of hell and I want to get off this sick cycle carosel!

Alas it’s not just Luke and Lucky stuck in crazy cakes land. Now while Lulu is admittedly a moron of the highest order for trusting Carly one wit after Carly basically blamed her for global warming and all but well she is Lulu.  And it’s not even her I’m all that confused by. No it’s Brooklynn.  I don’t want to hate a Q but I fear I will with this.  She’s in credit trouble and yet I’m supposed to believe neither Ned or Lois is aware of this? HA!  Or that Edward doesnt’ pay like double that amount to keep himself in jaunty hats? Or that the Qs wouldnt’ rally to help her and bring her back under their roof to save her if they got any whiff of issues with Brooklyn? Or that Brooklyn could be in town for like two weeks and the Qs would not have descended on her and Edward force her to move back in as his great-granddaughter?  But all that’s kid’s play compared to the real confusion.

What in the name of Greg Vaughan did she do to her face?  It’s non-moving. It’s scary. It’s distracting.

And Patrick..oh Patrick…when did you regress to your daughter’s age?  What the hell was that today?  He’s the only one who can do any surgery?  I’m not complaining about the subsequent Robin defending Steven as awesome…but my god he was a whiney cry baby today over nothing.  And I’m sorry to the many Scrubs fans out of there…I am still not seeing how this is the start of Lisa being Fatal Attraction.   This is Patrick being a whiney bitch.

Normally I would write off this confusion as the results of a week that was too much work and not enough sleep but I really don’t think it is!

File under “Seems like a good idea at the time”

I have many many thoughts reagarding the recent events in Port Charles.  And I will weigh in on them when I have more of a time to give them the time and attention they deserve. (i.e., longer than the five seconds Guza and company took in planning them.  They deserve at least six seconds at least!)

But before going back to work tonight (yeah social work!  Never a regular schedule)….I had to comment on this one….I’ll go with interesting…online development.

Brian Frons apparently has joined Twitter.

Now I have no idea if this is a verified account or not.  However given the sheer amount of cluelessness Brian Frons has demonstrated in the past (i.e. Calling actresses on his show “fat and not attractive”, having to be explained the entire concept of rape did indeed include the idea of having sex while one of the parties was drugged or otherwise incapacitated, greenlighting the repeated showing of Luis Alcazar’s body being thrown from the top of a building just months after 9/11) I am willing to suspend disbeilef and go with the idea Public Online Enemy Number One decided to join Twitter and make himself available to fans.  Or you know how he sees them “those unfortunate souls who resist my training techinques”.

If this account ends up being verified, it has all the earmarks of a deliciously soapy car crash.  And if it’s a brilliant pissed off soap fan?  Well before it’s found out…you and I both know every single frustrated pissed off soap fan will take this opportunity to pop off at “Brian Frons” at 140 characters a shot.  And lets not kid ourselves…..the soap community will be watching it.  And if it’s not Brian? Well he’s about to get an education about how people really feel about him isn’t he?

A shining bright spot of joy

In a sea of insanity….where a father who signed away his legal rights to his son two years ago is acting like he can stop an adoption (Newsflash Sonny…when you sign a termination of parental rights….it’s generally pretty final.  So shut it Weeble.).  Where a comptent (ok semi-comptent) single female lawyer overnight comes down with the biggest case of baby rabies this side of Robin Scorpio in the first season of Night Shift.   Where a hitman going to jail is considered a sacrifice…a sacrifice for his nephew while the very idea of changing anything so he could be in his own son’s life was just a completely foreign concept.  Where the response to the FOURTH request to remove your crazy-ass grandmother from your house and your life is treated as if it’s A- the first time it’s been said and B – just a fluffed up concern that’s really over nothing even though the last time you told the world you had Helena Mother Effing Cassadine under control, you ended up in jail framed for her faked murder.  And where I just watched two cops who have sworn to uphold the law debate bribing a judge because HE SENTENCED A LEGAL ADULT WHO ADMITTED TO KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN OPEN COURT TO FIVE FREAKING YEARS IN JAIL.   In this sea of insanity that is the typical daily GH grind and on a day when ABC proudly announces that James Franco is returning….and all I can see is more pretentious interviews, more backhanded insults to soap fans and the return of Franco’s obsessive love of Jason…so that just causes my head to hurt.  In all this…we need a happy place. 

And today…this show actually gave us one!

Thank you for being a friend Scott Reeves! 

Photo coursey of Lisa W’s Soap Heaven